Indigo Dreaming

New Territory. Again!

2011-11-13T22:18:00.000+11:00

'Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time.'

- Leo F Buscaglia

Once again we have moved into uncharted territory with swelling of the right arm and upper body. The shortness of breath, and inability to pass urine, became a huge concern. Monday morning of last week when the Community nurse arrived to help with shower and dressing change, she indicated her concern, deciding to make a phone call to the palliative care team once the dressings were firmly in place. I felt relieved, due to my confidence in their ability to assess the situation and their wisdom in making appropriate decisions. Before the Community Nurse departed she used a portable ultrasound to check the bladder confirming it was not the culprit. No problems there it seemed. Back to the drawing board!

The Palliative Care nurse undertook a thorough examination before telephoning the Palliative Care doctor. In the meantime, I received a call from the co-ordinater at the Mater hospital. We discussed the current crisis, she took notes relaying the information to 'Dr Amazing' who indicated he would probably like to see me admitted to the hospital for observation and further assessment. Radiation was mentioned, although given my previous experience, it made me shudder. That was certainly not my preferred choice!

Given that 'Dr Amazing' is away this week, and knowing that I am so reliant on Haydn for personal care, including dressing changes, the Palliative Care doctor decided to try an 8mg injection of Dexmethsone immediately with 4mg tablets taken daily, in the hope it would reduce swelling to the area. The hope is that, with swelling reduced, I will breathe a little easier and feel more comfortable which obviously means passing urine regularly.

It is now one week later and I have been on the steroid [Dexmethsone] for almost a week. There has been some easing of symptoms. This feels like a difficult journey to undertake! It does appear that this dreadful disease which now appears to be a fungating tumour is spreading quickly, and aggressively, across the chest wall, causing swelling of glands and vessels. Not a pleasant sight or thought! My right arm is so swollen it is hard to believe the skin does not burst. The arm and hand are covered in tiny bubbles and we can only wonder what is in store? There are absolutely no clothes in my wardrobe that fit me and leaving the house has become somewhat distressing. This is the most incredible journey. I have discussed with Palliative Care my wish to be given whatever is necessary to ease my pain and ensure my comfort as much as possible.

'We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.'

- Leo F Buscaglia

The Old Girl is Slowing Down

2011-10-23T22:49:00.008+11:00

The Waratah is the floral emblem of NSW. This is my very first flower on a shrub that has been in for some years; some joy in my life. Perfect timing!

My breast cancer recurrence. The lesion is progressing rapidly, requiring daily dressing changes. There are no answers to the problem!

'There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathise with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life's sores the better.'

-Oscar Wilde

Not too much to write about this post, mainly because of fatigue, and lymphoedema, which has the ability to control my life. Suitable management is certainly required and I have not yet found the secret to maintaining lymph flow.

The excitement of observing my first NSW Waratah brought with it much joy, given that we had a period of heavy rain and these shrubs do not like 'wet feet.' I have thoroughly enjoyed looking out through the kitchen window at the magnificent red Waratah, knowing that they are not particularly easy to cultivate. Having lost one bush makes this one even more 'special.'

You may notice some changes in my writing. I am no longer thinking 'straight' due to large doses of opiates required to ease pain symptoms. I have suggested to my doctor that we work only towards making me as comfortable as possible; seems to be working, but not sure if I am making 'sense' with my writing or on the phone.

I have been assessed, and approved, for a Community Aged Care Package. When the Assessor arrived, she made the comment that I must surely know people in high places...smile:) Given that these packages are for the aged - usually 70 and over - the assessor was amazed that I had made it as far as I had. The package provides assistance, subsidised by the Australian Government. To reduce the cost of residential care, the Government provide home services, keeping the elderly, or disabled, in their own homes for as long as possible. I fit in there somewhere! The assessor was fantastic, stating that one of the workers does commercial cooking and could therefore prepare meals in advance for both Haydn and me. Seven hours per week at a cost of less than $10 per hour, is marvellous. I am thrilled with the standard of care that we receive. Haydn has made it clear that he will do whatever it takes to keep me at home if that is where I wish to be. I think care would be difficult as, bein classed as 'High Care,' I would be placed with the elderly, including dementia patients etc. I would have no control over my pain medications and would be at the mercy of staff in an institution. Cannot imagine requiring medications for 'break through' pain, only to be told it would be given when they are ready. Knowing that some partners find it difficult to cope with a breast cancer diagnosis, let alone having to deal with what Haydn goes through daily, I now see a side not seen previously. He amazes me! Although I have waited 15 years, I am so pleased that he is here with me. I cannot fault the gentle man that 'fronts' up regularly to take excellent care of me. Had I left when I had previously considered it, I would be struggling financially, emotionally and physically. That would have presented multiple problems for me.

I require assistance with showering due to the removal of the dressings, and the bleeding that follows, making it impossible to shower myself without help. Having the use of only my left hand it is a bit of a trick as we endeavour to stem the blood flow. The community nurse that visits to do my dressing changes three times per week is going to start ringing me when she is at the gate. I will then be able to prepare myself for the shower, she will be close by when it is time for me to get out. Sounds like it may be just what I need and it will give Haydn a break. He is concerned that if something should happen to him there will be no-one to help me with personal care. Given that my package could include some personal care, including showering, it would be too confronting for someone, other than a Registered Nurse, to help me out of the shower. All in all, I believe I am in the best place possible, with the most appropriate care suitable for my needs. I also have the Palliative Care team on hand. They are a phone call away and I have come to know them well over the past three years.

I have now removed the caption and appear to have lost something in the process. I am not sure if I managed to cut and paste the complete entry so do hope the end makes sense.

Way of the Warrior

2011-10-10T22:22:00.000+11:00

'Generally speaking, the Way of the Warrior is the resolute acceptance of death'

-Miyamoto Musashi

On Thursday of last week I kept my appointment with 'Dr Amazing,' in spite of the fact that I had only commenced my first cycle of oral chemotherapy the day before. I find it interesting that when I make my appointments at the front desk, I invariably get a phone call prior to the date to say the time has been changed to 12.30pm which is the final morning appointment, thereby allowing more time for him to spend with us. I know how beneficial the time is for me and I would like to think it goes both ways. May God Bless you Dr Amazing! Up to that point, in my mind, I had continued to come up with any number of 'valid' reasons for delaying the chemotherapy process. Eventually, out of respect for the good doctor, and, as a 'duty' to myself, I gave in and took the first of my tablets.

Doctor made no comment regarding the delay. He simply explained that it did not matter what I did, this 'monster,' as I have come to refer to it, is not me. It is a mutation, distorted cells that have now chosen my body as a host. He again advised that, with my type of cancer, the success, or otherwise, was always an unknown. The consultation raised many emotions, firstly for Haydn and me, and then for the doctor. We let him know that we have discussed the situation at home and felt that retaining some 'quality of life' was more important than 'fighting,' doing battle to add maybe weeks or months to the natural outcome. As he observed the chest wall, he talked about his role in healing, doing what he is trained to do because that is his chosen field of work work. To prolong life is his aim. Here we are discussing the direction we have chosen and he shed a tear as he said he also needs to be able to come to the same place of acceptance in which we appear to be. It was rather nice to have him gather a tissue from the box and 'shed a tear' with us. I expressed my gratitude and thanked him for what I see as a real blessing. If I must go through this it is comforting to know we are on the same team.

He then asked about blurred/double vision, shortness of breath etc, explaining that he would like to do CT Scans to rule out spread to brain, lungs and liver. Given that I have had mild headaches and shortness of breath since my last scans, it makes sense to check particularly as my last doctor's visit with my General Practitioner led me to believe this would not 'kill' me. Where to from here then?

Although my local doctors tell me this is not common, I had an ACAT Assessment last week to see if I am eligible for Government funded assistance to 'free' Haydn up at home. The assessor was Chinese, very practical, with nursing experience in hospice and palliative care. She was not surprised by the description of my chest wall, saying it was quite common, even in young breast cancer patients. I liked her idea of trying yoghurt, which is apparently very cool and soothing. Definitely worth a try on a smaller area!

All in all, there are no real surprises. Tomorrow when I see my general medical practitioner, I will discuss with him the necessity of prescribing suitable pain medications knowing I would like to ensure I am as comfortable as possible for as long as possible.

Message from Paul

2011-09-26T23:06:00.002+10:00

'We don't accomplish anything in this world alone... and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one's life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something.'

- Sandra Day O'Connor

At a time that I want desperately to write, I simply find I do not have the energy. Never before have I experienced fatigue like I live with now. The lymphoedema of my right arm has become a serious problem! I am due to see the physiotherapist at the hospital on Wednesdday and, although I know there will be benefits, a one hour consultation is not sufficient time to correct a condition that is rapidly deteriorating. I spend day after day sitting and staring into space thinking of things other than the pain

At the time of my breast cancer diagnosis, I was advised of the work of a Bio Chemist who had successfully treated many cancer patients. I decided to pay P a visit and was impressed when he spoke of correcting my underlying body chemistry. That made sense to me! Unfortunately, during treatment P received adverse publicity and was banned from continuing to practise as a bio chemist. We remained in contact.

My condition has left me with little energy for those close to me; even less for friends and acquaintances further down the list. Yesterday I received a message from P asking me to ring him today as well as enquiring after my health. P reminded me that we share a friendship that will weather any storm. I was touched!

Today I called bio-chemist P. We discussed my condition, which gave me the opportunity to tell him that life is difficult. I can see no doors opening for me. No way of reclaiming my life; giving back some of the quality that has disappeared. I appreciated P's response when he said 'We are not giving up! You have been a thread in the tapestry of my life for too many years. I do not want a hole.'

It seems I am overcome by the frustrations of ongoing health problems. I am looking for release from the pain. There has to be a solution!

At a time that I so desperately need the benefits of your response dear friends, I find myself struggling to do my own posts, or even to read and comment on yours which is heartbreaking for me.

I Think I Can

2011-09-14T21:46:00.002+10:00

'What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.'

- Albert Pike

How could you not love a doctor that opens a consultation with 'I've missed you; where have you been?' I was surprised! I was back in my 'comfort zone' with 'Dr Amazing.' When leaving his rooms last time, I understood he wanted to see me three weeks after commencing chemotherapy, so there was no need to take up his valuable time after saying 'no' to chemo.

He was happy to discuss the disease progression, listening intently when I expressed my thoughts. I asked him if he had seen anything like this previously and was surprised to learn that, although he had not seen it in Australia, it was not uncommon in African women. I mentioned different conversations that I had with health care professionals, and the possibility of this being radiation damage. Given that this is local chest wall recurrence it appears to respond differently to treatment. When I mentioned the possibility of cancer cells not being killed by radiation, then travelling along the vessels until they reach a point that has been damaged by radiation, or may even have glands infiltrated by cancer, it stops dead in its tracks. With nowhere to go it then breaks through the skin that has been 'zapped' and weakened. 'Dr Amazing' immediately said that he would be doing his own research. He was going to head into the Radiation Department to begin asking questions. Maybe some good can come from this! I like his style!

'Dr Amazing' checked and photographed the wound, expressing his concern at how aggressive it has become. He asked about the degree of pain and it was obvious that he really cared; he wanted to do everything possible to alleviate some of the pain and suffering. He even commented that my face was beginning to look ashen from the pain. He once again discussed the potential benefits of chemotherapy simply to manage symptoms. I could almost be sold on the idea! I was surprised when he mentioned using me as a Case Study. Strangely, I found myself warming to the idea. Dr Andre feels that not having had chemotherapy previously could increase the benefits. He comes across as being such a caring, compassionate man, genuinely interested in helping his patients, that it is almost impossible not to want to help him.

I remember that being with Jeremy gave me a sense of being the person I most enjoyed being. I truly felt that it was a special bond we shared; something reserved for just the two of us. It was not until I travelled to Victoria to bury my son that I realised his 'special' charm was part of who he was. Everyone that had the privilege of spending time with him felt exactly the same. You truly believed you were the most important person in his life. It gave me such a kick to realise he had that effect on all who knew and loved him. 'Dr Amazing' is exactly the same! As I sit in his consulting rooms, I truly believe I am his number one patient and yet I know in my heart that as soon as the next patient walks in, they will feel exactly the same. Oh what a blessing!

Given that he is prepared to research the effects of radiation on localised breast cancer recurrence and that he is interested enough to make me a 'Case Study' does put a different slant on things. Knowing that Jeremy always said he wanted me to do less for him and more for myself in order to overcome this wretched disease has me thinking. As I have continued to struggle to do do this for myself, I think it is time to do this differently. Feeling truly blessed to have 'Dr Amazing' as my oncologist it is time to consider chemotherapy treatment for him, in the hope that others may benefit from my experience. I know that he would like to be better equipped to stop such cancers dead in their tracks. Together, we just may be able to make a difference!

Tomorrow when I go for lymphatic drainage on this swollen painful limb, I will call into the pathology department for the preparatory blood tests, followed by a visit to the pharmacy to collect the prescription for the Xeloda. One small step for....

Please Pray

2011-09-04T16:36:00.000+10:00

'If thou shouldst never see my face again, pray for my soul. More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of.'

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

'Lord don't take my tears or my cross away
For I would grow weary and forget to pray.
I want to serve You all of my days,
I'll share You with others along life's way.

Lord may I never take for granted
All the Blessings You send my way,
Let my heart give You all my Praises,
Following Jesus I will never dismay.

For my tears will keep me humble
Though many times I fall and crumble,
Lord grant me strength for each new day,
Lord don't take my tears or my cross away.

Teach me Lord to never grow careless
Or grow weary in my walk each day,
Remind me Lord how much I need You,
Lord don't take my tears or my cross away.

Lord You see each wave as billows roll
You hear each prayer on Earth extol,
You understand every heartache and tear,
I thank You Lord You are always near.

Lord, You promised a better day is coming
Our cross we'll bear no more,
We'll live with You for all Eternity,
Upon Heavens bright and golden shore.'

This poem was posted on my Facebook wall by a very dear friend (thank you Alice.)

The Facts and The Conclusions

2011-09-03T00:05:00.016+10:00

'It is not a question of God allowing or not allowing things to happen. It is part of living. Some things we do to ourselves, other things we do to each other. Our Father knows about every bird which falls to the ground, but He does not always prevent it from falling. What are we to learn from this? That our response to what happens is more important than what happens. Here is a mystery: one man’s experience drives him to curse God, while another man’s identical experience drives him to bless God. Your response to what happens is more important than what happens.'

–Chip Brogden

A picture tells a thousand words. If you notice the region between the arm and the wound, you will see that it is fluid filled and very inflamed, causing a great deal of pain and discomfort. There is a concern that with little movement of fluid, cellulitis is a potential risk.

I have decided to do a review of test results and findings. This will provide an overview of the disease, and its progression, allowing me to summarise at a later time.

Fact: When Haydn and I retired in July 2008 there were plans to farm, socialise and travel; and not necessarily in that order.

Fact: Although Haydn had owned the land for approximately 20 years, the new house was built with a view to living comfortably in retirement. All of these things take money; we thought we were prepared for all possible outcomes.

Fact: It was only a matter of weeks before I began suffering debilitating pain; pain that had me watching television from the couch throughout the night while walking down the driveway screaming in agony during the day. Pain that prevented me from attending local Tai Chi and yoga classes as a way of exercising and meeting people.

Fact: It April 2009 that I was eventually referred to a Consultant Neurologist who recognised my suffering and requested a MRI. I was prescribed Oxycontin and Lyrica [pregabalin] for the pain.

Conclusion: Appearances consistent with amorphous metastatic infiltration of the right thoracic outlet involving muscles, brachial plexus and vascular encasement with axillary lymphadenopathy.

Fact: Radiotherapy was the only treatment offered. At no time was I told of the potential for secondary cancer as a result of treatment. Due to the severity of my pain, I failed to do my own research. I was told that the recommended dose would minimise the risks and maximise the benefits given that the area could not be re-radiated. I accepted that it was to be done in 'good faith,' therefore I chose to place my trust with the doctor.

This picture was taken well before the end of treatment as Haydn refused to take pictures as my flesh began to burn like a blowfly on a barbecue.

Fact: Approximately 5 days before last scheduled treatment I went in as usual and prepared myself to be 'zapped.' It was then I was told by the lovely Mel to put my clothes on again. She proceeded to hold my hand as she took me with her to the Nurses' Station where she abused them for allowing me to go home the previous day without receiving, what she called 'appropriate' treatment for the burns. More importantly, she asked why my Radiation Oncologist had not been notified of the damage. There were sparks flying. In hindsight, maybe the 'good' doctor could have reviewed the situation.

Conclusion: I think it is obvious.

Fact: In May 2009 my Radiation Oncologist referred me for a CT of Neck, Chest, Abdomen and Pelvis.

Conclusion: Tumour recurrence at about the level of the surgical site extending through into the root of the neck. Malignant lymph nodes in the right axilla. Oncologist made no recommendations. It now appears this may have been the beginning of the secondary soft tissue cancer, resulting from radiation damage.

Fact: In January 2010 a CT of the Neck and Chest resulted in evidence of a new soft tissue lesion which arrived anterior to the right first costosternal joint. Lesion measures 15 x 17mm. Commenced Arimidex [Aromatase Inhibitor] At this time the increasing nerve pain in my right arm/hand had effected my ability to function normally in the home. Domestic duties, previously undertaken so easily, had now become difficult. Much of the fun of cooking was gone. I was also thinking seriously about life on the farm. No longer able to drive a motor vehicle due to prescribed medication and disability, I began to feel 'trapped.' It was my blog 'buddies,' Memory-of and Facebook friends that allowed me to have the friendships lacking in real life. Fatigue was an issue as talking on the telephone wore me out. I felt deserted by friends that found the 180km 'round trip' from Newcastle just too far to travel. Once again, we were disadvantaged by the isolation.

Fact: In February 2010 a PET Scan noted several foci of increased FDG uptake within the upper arm/chest, including 3-4 lymph nodes. A large right jugular node was also noted. Increased uptake noted in several nodes throughout the right chest wall.

Conclusion: There are several right upper arm and chest lymph nodes, including a contralateral left tracheobronchial lymph node, which are consistent with malignant disease. The Referring Physician was the same Radiation Oncologist who, at no time, recommended further treatment.

Fact: In April 2010 a Right Arm Venous Doppler showed a chephalic vein thrombosed over a 9cm segment.

Fact: Comparison PET Scan - by now radiation damage from treatment and testing puts me at increased risk.

Conclusion: Comparison with February 2010 PET-CT scan demonstrates significant reduction in intensity of activity in the persisting nodes in the right axilla, right neck and right parasternal Aromatase Inhibitors.

Fact: In January 2011 'Dr Amazing' requested a Radionuclide Bone Scan.

Conclusion: No evidence of boney metastases.

Fact: CT Neck, Chest, Abdomen and Pelvis

Conclusion: Increasing size of right supraclavicular lobular masses with associated bone destruction.

Suspicious change in the area of right inferior lung scarring which may reflect further benign change or small mass.

Post surgery right axillary changes mostly due to radiotherapy with also a suspicious nodal metastasis which has not enlarged.

Fact: In May 2011 Neck CT shows previously noted left supra-clavicular adenopathy with a solitary nodule measuring approximately 6mm remains relatively unchanged.
The right medial clavicular mass has enlarged and now measures approximately 4.3cm x 19.5cm in transverse and AP dimensions. Again underlying permeative bone destruction of the medial clavicle and its cortical margin is noted.
CT Chest - same date compare to January study. There is an ill-defined soft tissue stranding in the axilla which was previously noted and is unchanged. A nodule in the right pectoralis is likely secondary to post radiation effects.

Conclusion: The right supra-clavicular lobular mass with associated bone destruction has increased since the previous scan.

Fact: In June 2011 Dr Amazing requested a PET scan which showed an avid FDG uptake in the right chest wall lesion which now measures 67.6mm height, 53.5mm at greatest width and 20.7mm. There is a periosteal invasion with FDG uptake in the right medial clavicle. Immediately lateral to this lesion there is a small FDG avid nodule in probably a subpectoral site.
There are at least three further lesions in the anterior chest wall from the nodule to immediately anterior to the liver.

Conclusion: Today's scan is consistent with FDG avid malignancy in the right chext wall, axilla, superior mediastinum and right axilla. There is no definite evidence for FDG avid disease in the right brachial plexus (light at the end of the tunnel)

Remember Me

2011-08-27T23:06:00.000+10:00

'Remember me in the family tree

My name, my days, my strife;

Then I'll ride upon the wings of time

And live an endless life.'

- Linda Goetsch

In a conversation with my daughter M recently I was reminded of what I see as the importance of what I do. My 14 year old Granddaughter had asked her Mother about coming to visit. Being aware of my current circumstances, T had asked about them coming to stay at the farm. She pointed out to her Mum that she was afraid I would be gone before she really got to know me. I felt truly blessed to be told that my caring, delightful 14 y.o. Granddaughter really wanted to spend more time getting to know me. Is it only distance that separates us, or is it possible to live in close proximity and still not know someone?

It is a set of circumstances that has kept us apart over recent years. My daughter has been undergoing chemotherapy, plus being fed another dreadful drug for a condition that is not cancer related. While I have been enduring side effects of illness, and treatment, daughter M has had a dreadful time with no family support at all. It has amazed me that, as a single Mum with three children, she has continued to put one foot in front of the other in order to get through the days, in spite of regular hospital admissions and every conceivable side effect. Having endured treatment, she now has to live with unimaginable pain, as a result of rheumatoid arthritis - a side effect of treatment. Unfortunately, she was not informed of the potential for anything like that, so she does not know if she would have continued treatment, given all the facts.

Over recent weeks Haydn and I have been planning a road trip to Victoria [health permitting] to spend time with my family. In the meantime, I have made the decision to stop spending time shredding personal papers. Beautiful cards written so lovingly, bundled in ribbon, along with many years of personal letters and journals, will all be left here for family members to read if they so desire. After all, if my family feel they do not know me, they can get to know me through others eyes, through reading all that has been written over the years. I have always been an avid letter writer.

Of course, that also includes my blog which, I trust, will be like the indelible influence of a loving grandmother. I explained to my daughter that information missing now, will surely be highlighted in both my writing, and the thoughts of others, who have so lovingly taken the time to send me such beautiful cards as well as to correspond over the years.

On that glorious day when we are united as family in Eternity we will already have made our acquaintance.

Thank You for Holding my Hand

2011-08-23T23:02:00.000+10:00

'When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.'

- Henri Nouwen

I have chosen this quote simply because it expresses how I feel 'at this time.' To those of you who hold my hand on this journey, you have my love and gratitude. I have learnt that it requires sensitivity and caring and is certainly your gift to me. Advice can serve no purpose at this time.

Today began with my monthly doctor's appointment. Yet again I left the Practice giving thanks for the day that Dr S became my Medical Practitioner. I could feel the sadness in him as he went about filling in forms that will allow free access to physiotherapy treatments for lymphatic drainage and also a request for ongoing Psycho Oncology services with Cath. Dr S's facial expression, when he checked my wound, said it all. My Community Nurse had suggested I ask for his opinion on a nasty vein in the area. Her concern is that it may burst and, being on warfarin, could be frightening for me. Knowing what may happen allows me feel more comfortable. Dr S is now trying to keep me one step ahead of the pain by providing suitable pain medications. He has also suggested fortnightly visits, or more often if necessary.

From there it was off to see my Bowen Therapist who worked solely on lymphatic drainage which she has never done before. She estimated that my arm could contain as much as two to three kilos of extra fluid. I would say that is quite possible. I weighed myself this morning and my weight had 'shot up' three kilos in just over one week. It happened so easily. The treatment has certainly stirred things up; I have had to 'go within,' replacing pain with joy since the treatment. It is interesting to note the way the fluid has moved out of some areas. Instead of living with a swollen, lymphoedema limb, I now have a right arm that has ridges, lumps and dents. I am normally very careful when having manual lymphatic drainage as I did develop cellulitis on one occasion, post treatment. I normally see a therapist at the hospital, however, she has been away for a month and the next available appointment is the end of September; I simply could not wait that long. Dr S has suggested another physiotherapy practice, hence the Referral which will give me five free treatments.

Tomorrow we have another trip to Newcastle; it will allow me to keep my Psycho Oncology appointment. At times like this that I can see real benefits in relocating. Going back to town sounds like a plan. Dr S suggested it today and it is something that definitely deserves consideration. This is one of those times that I would like nothing more than for my daughter in Victoria to be well enough for us to spend lots of time together.

The Last Word

2011-08-21T17:31:00.002+10:00

'All our life passes in this way: we seek rest by struggling against certain obstacles, and once they are overcome, rest proves intolerable because of the boredom it produces.'
BLAISE PASCAL, Pensees

Although I had promised myself there would be no further dialogue on the matter of the missed breakfast, and the assistance given to the neighbours, I cannot help but have the 'last word' in order to clarify the situation. Sunday morning breakfast was far from the only occasion that I was left 'Feeling Let Down and Disappointed' It happens frequently.

Indigo Dreaming is a Blog of 'My Life;' a record for my children and grandchildren. I deliberately choose to keep most of what happens in my personal relationship away from these pages. I remain mindful that what is written here is a record for life. The written/spoken word cannot be taken back. Why destroy a relationship that has taken years to build. My life is about learning to love unconditionally, which means many things are allowed to 'go through to the keeper.'

The reality for me is that the cancer, recurring in my glands, has spread to the area under the breast. It follows the ribs from the outside in towards the centre. The lesions emerge, appearing to 'pop' out, breaking the surface in pea size lumps. They are inflamed, red, angry and extremely painful. Pain is managed by increasing doses of opiates Wound malodour is a distressing symptom, making life more difficult, requiring regular visits from a specialised Wound Care Nurse. The original fungating wound has increased in size. It is similar looking to a volcano, spewing out its contents, causing me much pain in the area surrounding it. It seems chemotherapy is the only treatment for something that appears to have come from a young specialist who choose to give more, rather than less radiation, knowing that the area cannot be re-radiated.

For me, and my loved ones, it is not a 'pretty' picture. I have no use of my right lymphoedema hand/arm and it continues to hang limply, like a lump of lead, by my side. Domestic duties are difficult. Meal times a bit of a nightmare as H eats only to live; he is not particularly interested in food. Food preparation was always my domain; I loved to experiment with food. I do have domestic assistance and love it when Carole and Tracy arrive each Monday morning. My home sparkles when they leave but they do not help me to get dinner on the table each night.

I guess the reason that I look forward to the opportunity of going out to eat is that it takes me away from the reality, and boredom, of mealtimes at home. I have convinced myself that lambs fry and bacon is good for my iron levels. Although H is extremely good at providing transport for my appointments, we have no 'social' life together. Breakfast at the Paterson B and B is a 'big thing' for me. I no longer have years to look forward to. Without a miracle, my life is being measured in days, week and months.

Grandchild Number 10

2011-08-19T22:57:00.000+10:00

'A garden of Love grows in a Grandmother's heart.'

- Author Unknown

I would like to be well enough to make the 15 hour road trip to Victoria in order to spend time with my family; to hold my new Granddaughter, Layla Isabell, in my arms. Layla already holds a special place in my heart. She was born on 26 May. I am learning to make full use of modern technology, giving me the opportunity to keep an eye on her progress. These three pictures were taken in June, the month after her birth. Adorable!

Too Much!

2011-08-18T23:11:00.001+10:00

'I must learn to love the the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.'

- Theodore Isaac Rubin

I have had second thoughts since my last Post. As a result, the decision has been made to simply thank you for your Comments and to let you know that I am very grateful to you for the feedback, both on the blog and by private email. I will not respond individually for fear of further implicating myself. There is a history attached to the story; I know things will not change. For me, it is undesirable! I do have a plan and will go about taking steps to implement it.

Today I had a phone call from my Tai Chi teacher. Attending classes in the village has been an interesting experience. I began yoga and Tai Chi when we moved permanently to the farm. I had expectations of meeting the locals and forming friendships. Three years of classes and yet my absence appeared to have gone unnoticed in spite of the fact that my circumstances were known. Until Vickie, teacher, phoned recently, there had been no word from anyone. She asked about making the trip from Dungog to Gresford to meet me for coffee. I suggested the farm was a good spot as Haydn has now mastered the coffee maker and cappuccinos are on the menu. Cappuccinos were my poison of choice after Jeremy's accident! They were the very things that kept me alive at the time. They have now been recognised as my downfall, contributing to my current health crisis.

It was interesting to learn from Vickie that she felt the room 'lit up' on my arrival. I asked her if that could somehow be responsible for the the ladies of Gresford making no effort to be friendly.

Now! That is another post.

'Do not give too much to feelings. An overly sensitive heart is an unhappy possession on this earth'

- Johan Wolfgang von Goeth

Feeling Let Down and Disappointed

2011-08-17T23:29:00.001+10:00

'Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong - sometimes it's letting go.'

- Author Unknown

Although I attempt to keep personal details of my relationship with Haydn private, I am in desperate need of counsel. You, my 'Blog Buddies are 'it!'

Sunday at the farm is our morning to 'sleep in' and listen to the radio although, as retirees, we are able to do pretty much as we like. We had made plans to breakfast at the local B & B, which meant there was no rush. At 7.20am we were disturbed by a phone call from K, a friend and neighbour of Haydns [he had previously made it clear she was his friend.] I was not told exactly what K said; Haydn mumbled something to her along the lines of 'maybe' having something to do. He told K he would ring her back. When he spoke to me he said that D [K's partner] would need to go back to hospital. Haydn knew that D was supported by a fully trained nurse; both K and D are nurses. A friend, up from Sydney for the weekend was there to help. Haydn had given K a hand to muster her cattle on Saturday as she needed to get them ready to be trucked.

There has been an ongoing problem in my relationship with Haydn since he befriended K and D. On Sunday, his language made it clear that he felt some kind of obligation to help K. I suggested he just go ahead as our outing was spoiled anyway. He has always chosen to act defensively when K is involved. Is it my problem that I feel I play 'second fiddle' when K is involved? I reminded him of a previous occasion when there was an incident and I made it clear to him that it may come to making a choice between the two of us. I was frightened by his reaction on Sunday; I know he has a temper, while I am a pacifist. While I remained cool, he swore at me, telling me that I had 'pushed' him too far. There was slamming of something in the laundry, although I could not tell what was happening as I simply went about organising my medications with my back to him. I think it was a quote from Shakespeare that went something along the lines of - 'methinks he doth protest too much.'

I was bewildered! It seemed like a simple matter to explain to K that we had made plans for breakfast. It was self-explanatory! Maybe I am a simpleton! To be kind to me he may even have been able to apologise on behalf of K for the early morning phone call. Instead of that he was determined to help her no matter what cost.

The situation reminded me of why I felt the need to see a therapist. Has the isolation of life at the farm, along with being in a relationship that appears to be lacking in love, finally caused me to drop my bundle? Unfortunately, D has had several operations since February when her kidney was removed. The past being the best predictor of the future leaves me thinking that, with my own deteriorating condition, I may well find myself alone at the farm, while Haydn tends to K and D. I intend to avoid that at all costs!

'The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.'

Eleanor Roosevelt

Og Mandino Quote

2011-08-11T17:43:00.000+10:00

'I will greet this day with love in my heart. And how will
I do this? Henceforth will I look on all things with love
and I will be born again. I will love the sun for it warms
my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit.
I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will
love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome
happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for
it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due;
yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge'...

- Og Mandino

Who am I?

2011-08-07T00:15:00.001+10:00

'Words of comfort, skillfully administered, are the oldest therapy known to man'

- Louis Nizer

It's official! I'm in therapy!

Myappointment with Cath [Psycho Oncologist] went well on Wednesday. Why is it thatafter chatting for an hour, covering topics that I consider to be very beneficial, I do not remember the ground covered? I went in expecting to talk about myfeelings of anger, mainly towards a particular member of hospital staff, and Ileft not having mentioned it even once.

Cath very quickly picked up that with so much happening to me at this time, I am in a position where it feels like I can't be myself. My identity is connected with my activities of the past; the very things that I have lost! It often seems to me that I am worthless; a feeling that does not sit comfortably!

'Human identity is the most fragile thing that we have, and it's often only found in moments of truth.'

-Alan Rudolph

Not once did I heard her use traditional text book 'stuff.'We actually held dialogue. I was surprised when she referred to me as having Post Traumatic Stress. There was a brief explanation as to how it occurs with each new crisis increasing existing stress. I jokingly told her it was not a good idea to put a label on me as I just may want to live up to it

As the session drew to a close, Cath said she wanted to see me next week. It's important! I have homework. Love being in therapy; it brings with it a sense of peace!

I often wonder if I am the only one that has unanswered questions. Do you feel that you need help as your journey progresses?

To Chemo or Not to Chemo

2011-08-04T17:11:00.003+10:00

'Most cancer patients in this country die of chemotherapy. Chemotherapy does not eliminate breast, colon or lung cancers. This fact has been documented for over a decade. Yet doctors still use chemotherapy for these tumours…Women with breast cancer are likely to die faster with chemo than without it.' -
Alan Levin, M.D

Arrived in time for my appointment with Dr Amazing determined to listen; I simply wanted to hear what he had to say in response to my own research.

Firstly, he went through the information regarding HYPERBARIC OXYGEN THERAPY and I was disappointed to be told that I am not a potential candidate due to active cancer cells in what is now being called a fungating tumour. Dr Andre did make it clear that if it was purely Radiation Necrosis the Oxygen Therapy would be useful. He handed me the information and explained that the physicians at the hospital would be more than happy to discuss my case with me personally. So, NO Nanoknife Surgery, NO Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy.

We then went to the use of chemotherapy. Dr Andre asked me why it is that when I am in his rooms I say 'Yes, Yes, Yes,' only to ring two days later and say 'No, No, No.' I laughingly said that is what happens when I am away from his influence. When Dr Andre asked the nurse to take a photograph of my lesion, Haydn asked her to take one of Dr Andre for me to take home. That way, I could look at it when I felt myself waivering..haha.

We asked if chemotherapy would work on my type of cancer. The answer was 'I don't know.' When I suggested to Doctor that this was 'my' body growing this 'monster' so it had to be my underlying body chemistry that needed to be changed, he agree. Just how we do that he does not know. Seems to me that chemotherapy could be nothing more than a 'Band Aid' fix in my case!

I explained my thoughts on being 'locked in' to waiting rooms and hospital visits at this stage of my life. Immediately, and I mean immediately, he suggested oral as a way of avoiding that situation. Once again, I left the hospital agreeing to let him know as quickly as possible of my decision.

'To be complete, a healing system must be able to cover the entire field of human experiences-physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Any system which denies any part of this trinity fails in its attempt to heal to the same extent to which it denies any part or parts.'
-Stanley Burroughs

Is My Heart is Elsewhere?

2011-07-31T22:59:00.001+10:00

'Impossible situations can become possible miracles.'

– Robert H. Schuller

Not looking too bad at the end of May

Not looking too good at the end of July

Both Haydn and I feel incredibly sad as we observe my body, and its ability to grow this disgusting, fungating, odorous mass. It is difficult not to be affected by the sight and odour as it is right under my nose.

My right arm is now akin to a lump of lead hanging loosely by my side. I have to practically stand on my head to dress the top half of my body; makes dressing interesting, and slow. Thank goodness for pull up stretch jeans.

On Friday we had a 2 hour wait to be seen by the Radiation Oncologist. It was a non event!. As usual, he had little more to say than Mmm, Mmm.. I pray that he will learn from this experience. The waiting room was filled with patients, many appearing to be dreadfully ill and yet living in hope that their treatment will give them another opportunity to live their life to the full.

Next stop was to spend time with the most amazing, compassionate Wound Care Nurse who managed to have me laughing, and crying at the same time. She explained how radiation either allows, or causes this to happen. She also said that she sees it far too often. Having given me lots of information, along with dressings to try, she applied a lovely Mepilex Lite, soft Silicone dressing which she said would last for several days.

We arrived home, dressing intact, and yet I could feel the itchiness of the skin below. After some time, unable to stand the discomfort any more, I went to the mirror and removed the dressing. The sight of the wound disgusted me; having had it covered for some time it was repulsive! I simply sobbed uncontrollably.

Although my state of mind was not good I choose that particular time to check the cost of the dressings.Tess had recommended a wholesale site. One of her favourites, a silver Silicone costs $285 for 5 dressings. Oh boy! Will this ever end? Over the years, the costs associated with cancer, and its treatment, have been astronomical.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with 'Dr Amazing' who will give me information on the potential risks and benefits of chemotherapy. Everything in me says the risks begin with the insertion of the port given the breakdown in my skin's integrity. As my body continues to fight this 'monster' it leaves little in the way of nutrients to keep me strong and healthy.

I still believe there is a way to 'beat' this disease. It is up to me to find 'it.'

Once again, I reflect on the isolation of life at the farm. Although I do have financial security, and a very loyal 'best friend' who loves me and cares for me, I am wondering if it is sufficient. Two of my children live in the state of Victoria. My youngest son was born and died in the same state. I intend to use the Funeral Company that employs my eldest son. Apparently I am entitled to a 'good deal' with huge discounts. It all makes sense! Is that my heart whispering to me that it is time to come home?

'Let your heart be your compass, your
mind your map, your soul your guide...
and you will never get lost'
-Unknown.

Psycho Oncology Appointment

2011-07-24T21:44:00.001+10:00

'Wisdom is to finish the moment, to find the journey's end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours.'

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Recently I met with my Breast Cancer Support Group [Group 33] for lunch. It had been several months since I had joined my friends at the monthly lunches. They found it necessary to summon me! These women are very good at giving me a 'reality check' and deemed it necessary. It was good to get together! I felt the love; surrounded by people who care, making it good for my soul. It was the perfect opportunity for them to observe my lesion, as well as notice the changes in my manual dexterity. They were shocked!

Vickie, being the outspoken member of the group, with experience in both nursing and palliative care, decided that I needed help. Time for me to see a counsellor! She mentioned the name of a psychologist; fortunately it was one that I had seen previously when she was attached to the chemotherapy and radiotherapy departments at the hospital. A time was set for Wednesday 20 July.

There was much laughter during the 2 hour session; in fact it was freeing. Cath established very quickly that she felt I had a form of Post Traumatic Stress, explaining that it is quite normal, even to be expected, with each new crisis building on pre-existing conditions. I laughingly accused her of putting a label on me! I felt a tremendous benefit in talking to a counsellor who, although she does not have cancer herself, works daily with patients who do, hence the name 'Psyco Oncology.'

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what we discussed during our session except that Cath indicated she felt it would be good to have a further session focusing on my feelings in regard to the hospital and possibly radiation damage. It seems to me that with so many positives coming out of my appointments with my Health Care Professionals at the hospital, it is a shame to allow my feeling towards one young, inexperienced doctor, get in the way of all the good. It is possible that education and youth are no match for experience and wisdom. In my case following the text books has meant ignoring the fact that we are all individuals and there is no 'one size fits all' approach. My understanding is that this will change. It will probably not be in my lifetime, however, things are changing. There are approximately 60% of patients that will benefit from the tried and true research, leaving a high percentage of the population that need to be treated as individuals. I think I know which group I come into! Hmmm...

Message from Spirit

2011-07-20T22:38:00.010+10:00

Nankeen Kestrel courtesy of
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nankeen_Kestrel

This morning we woke a little later than usual, due mainly to a previous late night and a cool, damp morning. Life seemed almost perfect as we listened to the rain on the rooftop over the sound of our favourite radio commentator. Just the day to stay in bed! Unfortunately that was not going to happen as I had an appointment with my Psycho-Oncology lady. As usual, Haydn was to wear his driver's cap.

I prepared for the shower and, as I found myself peering through the foggy glass shower screen towards Barrington Tops, I noticed what I thought was a familiar bird on the railing. Rather than looking outwards, possibly for prey, I noticed it was turned towards me. It appeared to be looking me in the eye. I assumed it was a baby King Parrot; there had been one around over the past couple of days. Thankfully, Haydn chose that time to brush his teeth. We were able to talk about our visitor. I was thrilled when Haydn said he thought it was some sort of falcon. Of course, I sent him running for my spectacles, along with the bird book. He was quick to point out that it was Nankeen Kestrel (Falco cenchroides.) I could not help but notice that it continued to sit and watch, appearing to make eye contact, which I found most unusual.

Once dried, I reached for my copy of Animal Dreaming by Scott King, who writes that Aboriginal Legend says that the Kestrel is the protector of the warrior spirit. I can expect to be watched and protected against any further attack. An Ancestor Spirit to some tribes, the hawk/falcon is the bringer of good tidings, healthy change and victory. To have a hawk visit suggests I am to receive a sign or a gift from spirit. My visitor alerts me to watch for signs guiding me to the next phase of life. It reminds me to be vigilant; willing to act quickly. I am reminded that it is OK to ask for messages during prayer and meditation. This is a time that I can ask for, and expect to receive, Spirit's guidance.

'Love and desire are the spirit's wings to great deeds.'

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IRE-Nanoknife

2011-07-10T22:55:00.000+10:00

‘To love is to risk not being loved inreturn. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must betaken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing’ – Author Unknown

I have just come from reading a Post by Nolly Posh (aka Vicki @ http://nollyposh.blogspot.com/2011/07/nanoknife.html on the subject of IRE Nanoknife. Thank you Vicki; this has given me new hope. Apparently, this treatment, which can be performed on soft tissue cancers, is being utilised at the Alfred Hospital in Melbourne.

That in itself brings back memories. In March 1990 my late husband Raymond was admitted to the Alfred where he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. After more than 7 hours in surgery, his neurologist came out and broke the news. His words! 'This is very serious!' It was! At 48 years of age Ray was paralysed completely down the left side. At that time, we owned and operated, the Lakes Entrance Squash and Fitness Centre. Eldest son Damian was left in charge of the Centre, with help from a special friend Marianne Hocking. Jeremy, who was only 8, was 'off loaded' to an amazing family. The Allen family looked after him as one of their own. It is times like that you feel truly blessed to have such amazing friends.

Unfortunately, at that time it was determined that Ray also had a tumour on the lung. It was necessary for him to undergo intensive rehabilitation before he became a candidate to surgically remove the lesion on the lung. We were transported daily, by ambulance, from the Alfred to the Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre for Ray to undergo radiotherapy. The facilities were 'amazing' (there we go again with THAT word) in that they provided accommodation at all times which enabled me to be with Raymond 24/7. We were truly blessed to have a Cardio Thoracic Registrar on the ward that advised me to take Raymond home two weeks post op. Fortunately, he recognised that Ray was at risk of depression which could possibly have kept him there for an extended period of time. I remember the fear I felt as we left the hospital. Ray was only just out of the wheelchair. I need not have worried. As we drove through the Latrobe Valley, heading for Lakes Entrance, we stopped for coffee. From that moment Ray's condition improved. We were going home, after 18 weeks. The family would be waiting; we would be together again.

This post did not quite go in the direction in which I intended, however, it does give you a little more insight into my 'decision making' process. Either Ray or I have been on the 'cancer' journey since 1978. He lost his battle in 1994. I had a melanoma removed in 1996. With the exception of 2 years, either he or I have had cancer. I don't see,, or hear the fat lady

Tomorrow, I will be ringing my Breast Care co-ordinator to relay this latest information, in the belief that I will be well informed. Better able to make decisions that will do more good than harm. There has to be a way than chemotherapy.

Is This Radiation Necrosis?

2011-07-03T22:24:00.000+10:00

Confronting!

Painful

'Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are'

-Pema Chodron

The past 10 days have certainly kept me out of mischief with appointments and tests taking up any spare time, as well as keeping me away from the keyboard. 'Dr Amazing' continues to 'amaze.'

Who would have believed that, in the Public System, I would see my Oncologist, Physiotherapist and have PET Scan within 4 working days? Truly Amazing! On the fifth day I had my first phone call regarding the results.

Dr Andre has kept me well informed with phone calls each day, including updates. When he called me Wednesday he had just received the written report on the PET Scan. He was actually in Taree, which is probably 3 hours travel from the hospital at which he consults. He opened the conversation by asking if I had time for him to read the report to me. How cute is that? On listening to the report, I felt deflated and let down, wondering if this clavicular lesion is indeed recurrence of my original breast cancer or radiation necrosis as suggested by one of the doctors at the Mater Hospital at the time of my PET Scan.

I have chosen to go through my medical files over the past few days and, interestingly, I find that the lesion pictured above above is the very one that appeared within one month of completing a heavy dose of radiation. The MRI at that time had shown 'appearances consistent with amorphous infiltration of the right thoracic outlet involving muscles, brachial plexus and vascular encasement and axillary lymphadenopathy.'

While 'Dr Amazing' is concerned at what appears to be spread to several new areas, I now find it has been there, according to test results, in tests requested by my radiation oncologist. I will now be asking Dr Andrea to review all copies of the reports and reassess my situation. Taking a wild guess, I would say that, had my radiation oncologist referred me back to a medical oncologist, my current circumstances may well be different.. I was certainly disadvantaged, I would say, by the fact that my medical oncologist [ married to my radiation oncologist] has been off on maternity leave for over twelve months. Of course, this had to happen to me during that time.

According to mythology 'It's not over till the fat lady sings' and I have not yet heard her sing. Haha..

In the meantime, Cheryl is consoling herself with copious amounts of coffee, cookies and chocolate.

Confirmation of What?

2011-06-27T22:19:00.000+10:00

'Whenever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm'

- Hippocrates

Regular readers of Indigo Dreaming would be aware that 'Dr Amazing' saw me on Wednesday of last week. Friday I received a phone call informing me of today's PET Scan appointment.

Being only short notice, the instructions for the scan had been given verbally. Haydn had written them on the back of a newspaper that went into the recycling bin the following day. As he had a 10.45am doctor's appointment himself, he dropped me at the hospital and went on his way. Knowing that I had to fast for six hours I was suspicious when Haydn said that he had been told I could drink tea, coffee and water. Before ordering my cappuccino I thought it wise to check with Nuclear Medicine. I was disappointed to learn that my cappuccino was on hold until the completion of my test which would be well after 3pm.

Staff were wonderful as usual! The nurse did weight and height before inserting the cannula. She then called the doctor who would ask me the routine questions. I mentioned that I had a clavicular lesion which appeared to be something 'different.' She was happy to have a look. I felt empowered when she asked me if it was radiation necrosis. I believe it was confirmation of what I had always suspected, in spite of the Radiation Oncologist being in denial.. The problem for me now is that I have no idea of where to from here. Tonight I asked the question of Professor 'Google' in the hope of finding answers to what appear to be unanswerable questions.

My understanding is that 'Dr Amazing' will have results by Wednesday.

'Change Starts When Someone sees the Next Step' - William Drayton

2011-06-26T22:08:00.000+10:00

'Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.'

- Author Unknown

Thursday morning arrived; we were up early in readiness for our departure to attend my 8am appointment with the Physiotherapist at the Mater Hospital. Leaving the farm before 7am left me sufficient time to pop my head into the radiotherapy waiting room. I wanted to check if my Sister and Brother-in-Law were there. B-I-L Brian is currently undergoing radiation, following hormone treatment for prostate cancer. Unfortunately, our paths did not cross on that day.

I headed upstairs and waited in anticipation of Judith's arrival. Her face broke into a smile when she recognised me. Interestingly, my file was not available, due to my appointment with 'Dr Amazing' as Emmy now has me referring to him. Shortly, there was a knock at the door heralding the arrival of my file. I was impressed! The Mater is a huge facility. It is very easy for things to go missing, which was the case with my scans recently. They did not reappear for months.

Judith noted that it was 14 months since my last appointment. I was happy to give the explanation that her instructions were always clear, allowing me every opportunity to undertake practise on my own. With a home based programme, along with regular Tai Chi and Yoga classes, I have been successful in my efforts to keep the swelling under control. It is only when changes occur that I get myself into trouble. This appeared to be one of those occasions.

It was a surprise, and somewhat of a relief, to hear her say the lower arm was surprisingly soft on examination. A good starting place! We have learned from experience that manual lymphatic drainage is not necessarily a good thing for me owing to a case of cellulitis following treatment with another therapist. During the examination, she was able to check areas that would be effected by spread to the brachial plexus. She did speak to me as she worked, noting both good and not so good points.

I let her know that Dr Andre wanted her to call him at the end of our consult. The hour went quickly. I felt comfortable to question her on her findings, asking her about her 'report' to 'Dr Amazing.' She did say that in spite of the 'positives' she was concerned about many issues.

At lunchtime on Friday, Haydn and I had gone downstairs to our vehicle when we heard the telephone ringing upstairs. There was no way we could make it back up in time to answer it so we made the decision to let it go to Message Bank. It was then the Cell Phone began to ring however, it was in a bag on the rear seat. Oh well! Time to attend to those calls on our return. That was not to be! The upstairs phone rang again; Haydn went bounding up the stairs three at a time. He called loudly to inform me that it was the Mater Hospital advising me of an appointment had been made for a PET Scan. As I headed upstairs the Cell Phone started again. This was getting to be ridiculous! This time, breathing heavily, I answered it to hear the voice of 'Dr Amazing.' He too was ringing to let me know about my upcoming PET Scan. My mind was ticking over. This sounds like 'serious' stuff.

It's Official! I've Been Classed as 'Unique'

2011-06-24T23:12:00.003+10:00

'Our inner strengths, experiences and truths cannot be lost, destroyed or taken-away. Every person has an inborn worth and can contribute to the human community. We all can treat one another with dignity and respect, provide opportunities to grow toward our fullest lives and help one another discover and develop our unique gifts. We each deserve this and we all can extend it to others'

- Author Unknown

In spite of my best intentions, I still seem to be conspicuous by my absence from these pages. Some of you are aware that I agreed to a huge challenge by staying at the farm alone for 4 days while Haydn went to town to 'babysit' his grandchildren allowing his Daughter and Son-in-Law to travel to Fiji. In his absence it rained, and it rained and it rained. I did not even attempt to drive to the mail box after the first day. Four inches of rain in 48 hours left the ground sodden and water logged.

On the Friday morning I received a phone call from the hospital giving me the news that I was scheduled to begin chemo on Friday 24th at 2.30pm. It came as a complete shock! I had an appointment with my 'amazing' oncologist yesterday. It was Wednesday 22nd and there were questions to be asked. Concerns and fears causing me angst. On Monday I phoned the Physical Therapies Department of the hospital and was excited to be given a one hour appointment with Judith for Lymphatic Drainage on Thursday morning at 8am. I was thinking it could be the swelling that was preventing me from raising my arm. If only!

During the consultation with Dr Andre, I mentioned the sudden onset of the loss of the use of my right arm. Dr Andre looked up, put his pen down, and began to carry out tests on the arm. His apprehension was immediately obvious. I waited patiently for him to complete his assessment before commenting. He then said that we would possibly have to change our plans. Having ticked several of the boxes that were a concern to me on the Liposomal Doxorubicin Chemotherapy Patient Information Sheet, he noted that they were all skin related. He listened as I told him about my severe allergic reactions to minor things like ant bites. When he learned that I had not had any chemo education, he suggested that I was unprepared. The chemo would need to be postponed for the present.

It was then he 'hit' me with the 'biggie,' which was simply the possibility that the cancer may already have spread to the brachial plexus again. That would be the most likely explanation for the loss of the use of my right arm. Maybe it has nothing whatsoever to do with lymphoedema?

Knowing that he had just travelled to the United States and Canada for an Oncology Conference, I asked him if he had any experience to call on with cancer taking this form. He smiled his beautiful smile and replied 'You're Unique.' It's Official!

'As we grow as unique persons, we learn to respect the uniqueness of others.'

- Robert H Schuller

He asked me to have the physiotherapist call him after she had completed her assessment and therapy. He also said that as I had not had any chemotherapy previously, there were several other drugs that could be used. He would leave the Patient Information Sheets at the desk for me to pick up after my appointment with the Physiotherapist. It was then he said that, depending on the findings of the physical therapy session, he may need to do a PET Scan to determine exactly what is happening with this 'monster.' I will begin working on the next post, with some results, first thing in the morning. Thanks for reading♥

It's Happening Way Too Fast

2011-06-16T22:49:00.001+10:00

‘Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practise wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.’ – Mary Anne Radmacher

It is hard for me to accept how quickly changes are taking place in my body.

Haydn left Tuesday morning to stay with his 3 grandchildren while his Daughter and Son-in-Law visit Fiji with a view to purchasing property.

I admit to feeling a little nervous about being on my own at the farm, in spite of the fact that it was entirely my decision to 'go it alone.' My lesion had been weeping; it seemed unnecessary to 'expose' my cancer, or myself, to the children. I have services available here; it is simply a matter of making a phone call.

Wednesday afternoon my skin felt like it had the 'creepy crawlies.' Several times I went to the mirror to check for insects on my neck only to find there was nothing. I also felt as if there were maggots crawling beneath the skin's surface, just as I do now. The feeling persisted!

Things appeared to be reasonably normal when I awoke this morning. On going to shower, I noticed my lesion was, once again, weeping. It was from the original sight, which was not expected. Attempting to place shampoo into the palm of my right hand, I found I could not lift my right arm at all. I was shocked! I found myself having to physically lift it with my left hand. The whole thing seemed to have happened overnight.

As the day has gone on I have been aware of the heaviness of my right arm. It is a 'dead' weight! It is more difficult than ever to perform any tasks. Previously, I had been able to raise it unassisted. I am no longer able to do that! I am unsure of what will happen now. Today I have done a lot of screaming and yelling in the belief it is a way of releasing some of the built up tension that has been slowly accumulating since my CT Scan in late January, heralding the beginning of the progress of this 'monster.'.

Where to From Here?

2011-06-11T22:57:00.000+10:00

'A bodily disease which we look upon as whole and entire in itself, may, after all, be but a symptom of some ailment in the spiritual past.'

- Nathaniel Hawthorn

It has been some time since my last Post, possibly because life seems to have been a succession of appointments and tests. It is now time to contemplate my options, although they may appear to be limited.

This 'little beauty' has grown from less than 3cm to approximately 20cm since the end of January. How much longer will it continue to behave in this way? No one knows!

My 'amazing' oncologist has recommended a course of chemotherapy, although he admits it may have little or no effect. The recommendation is for an infusion of Liposomal Doxorubicin by drip into the vein. This would take place every 28 days.

I have been told that not every one gets all of the potential side effects and yet my concern is always the same. If anyone is going to get them, it will be me. There are two issues that perturb me. One is the possible risk of localised reaction at the sight. Given that I have very little use of my right arm/hand, should the reaction in the left be severe, it leaves me in a bind. The same applies for the possible risk of peripheral neuropathy, including hand and foot syndrome. Given that my skin reaction to previous radiation was severe, I am at also at an increased risk for radiation recall. Do I really need to go through that again?

Is there a suitable treatment for recurring, metastatic breast disease that does not have a list a mile long of potentially life threatening risks and side effects?

At this time, I am contemplating saying 'NO' to chemo and taking a chance on moving away from the farm, and the isolation, to put myself into a position somehow that will allow me to spend time in the company of people and also to be of service.

More on that option later!

The Day Before Yesterday

2011-05-25T22:13:00.031+10:00

'The more serious the illness, the more important it is for you to fight back, mobilising all your resources, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical'

-Norman Cousins

It seems to me that spiritual, emotional and intellectual health are deeply intertwined, having a profound affect on each other. Although I often feel I would give anything not to be experiencing this dreadful disease with all its side effects, I make every effort to look at it in a more positive light, using it for my own spiritual growth. This allows me to better deal with the chronic pain, as well as the limits placed on me by the diminishing use of my right arm/hand, as well as the clavicular lesion that is beginning to cause more problems. It allows me to find more meaning and purpose to my life and to live more fully in the 'now,' This brings me back to my soul and offers spiritual transformation and self realisation.

For reasons unknown, I have now become more conscious that it has taken me a great deal of pain and suffering to virtually 'force' me to grow spiritually and emotionally. In 'The Alchemy of Illness,' Kat Duff teaches us that the Indigenous communities believe that illness is the most reliable means of revelation and knowledge. We are forever changed by the experience of serious illness, learning things we would never have learned otherwise. Enriched Spiritual Health offers us comfort, meaning, harmony and purpose, hope strength and inner peace. Imagine how much easier life would be if we set out to develop these skills. Spiritual growth is about finding meaning and purpose in our life, discovering who we truly are and connecting with inner strength/peace hope and comfort in troubled times.- from information taken from Cynthia Perkins, M. Ed.

Experiencing life completely and consciously, even in the midst of great pain and suffering, is the essence of true spiritual growth. 'Be still and know that I am God' is the mantra that I use during my most difficult times.

The day before yesterday I woke to find my clavicular lesion weeping haemoserous. Although I was scheduled to have a fine needle biopsy on Monday I cancelled the appointment. I immediately phoned my' amazing' new Medical Oncologist, Dr Andre, explaining that I was fearful of the thought of a needle penetrating the wound. I feel there is no guarantee that it will not be the beginning of an open, ulcerating sore. I understand that my decision may, in effect, make it more difficult for him to choose suitable drugs should chemotherapy turn out to be my only option. I felt the procedure carries too many risks for my liking. He is adorable! He simply said that was' perfectly fine' with him. Although the changes were obvious, with the centre becoming opaque on Sunday, changing to blood filled Monday, I simply was not prepared for the weeping to begin Tuesday. My understanding is that this is the beginning of the ulceration, possible fungation of my tumour.

As we had planned to take my near new notebook computer into Maitland to have the data transferred I called in to see the on duty palliative care nurse regarding dressings. Sally said it was out of her area of expertise and nominated the community nurse who called in to see me today. Although I found her to be delightful, I immediately removed the dressing on her departure as I felt the dressing was not large enough and the tape was attached to an area of radiation damage. I find dressings and tape very irritating. Guess it will be up to Haydn to work it out with me. As usual!

Outcome of Today's Appointment

2011-05-19T22:28:00.000+10:00

'I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be 'happy.' I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all, to matter and to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.'

-Leo C Rosten

Today I saw my 'amazing' oncologist who, once again, has shown himself to be compassionate and caring. CT Scan results show my clavicular lesion having gone from 2.5cm (.098 inches) to 19cm (7.48 inches) in 4 months. Not good!

The recommendation is that I have a Core Biopsy on Monday and then speak to my oncologist. During the consultation Dr Van asked a fellow specialist from the Radiology department if further radiation would be an effective; he felt radiation would be 'fast acting.' She said that it could be done, however, the lesion, which is becoming more like a 'wound' each day would most certainly open up. The probability is that I would be left with an ulcerating hole. Dr Van then phoned my regular Radiation Oncologist (Dr Gupta) to discuss the situation. He pointed out my concerns. Those being that this is a secondary tumour caused by the heavy dose radiation given in June 2009. That being the case, the cancer may not be estrogen positive and the reason the Aromatose Inhibitors have had no effect. An appointment was made to see Dr Gupta on 31 May with a view to further radiation of the area. Chemotherapy is also being considered.

Our trip home gave me the opportunity for contemplative prayer. Having opened the Request for the Core Biopsy I noted that Dr Van had not specified that it is to be done under Ultrasound. Already with increased pain and inflammation in the area, as well as the hardness of the lesion, which, in my opinion, may make a biopsy difficult and painful I am having second thoughts. Nerve endings are affected and it is possible that a biopsy may cause the lump to weep with no guarantee that it would heal quickly and without further problems. I also believe that radiating the area again is simply asking for trouble and I feel Dr Gupta will show his reluctance at the time of our next consultation. He knows how I feel! I know I am playing 'Devil's Advocate' however, the situation requires drastic action. My next post will discuss further options.

I sensed that Dr Van was referring to the correlation between the radiation and the tumour when he quietly said he is sorry that this is happening to me. I promptly burst into tears!

Where to from here?

Farm Life

2011-05-16T21:32:00.000+10:00

'If something comes to life in others because of you,
then you have made an approach to immortality.'

-Norman Cousins (1912-1990)

'My heart leaps up when I behold a rainbow in the sky.'
-William Wordsworth (1770-1850)

'God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.'
J.G. Holland

‘Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away all the time, knowing she has wings.’

– Victor Hugo

'Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.'
Langston Hughes

‘The living self has one purpose only: to come into its own fullness of being, as a tree comes into full blossom, or a bird into spring beauty, or a tiger into lustre.’

- D H Lawrence

Managed to get a glimpse of this goanna as it scurried across the paddock

It is hard to believe how quickly these creatures move for their size

This beautiful Tawny Frogmouth Owl recently appeared on the railing of the Al Fresco area as the barbeque was cooking

'The wailing owl screams solitary to the mournful moon.'
-David Mallet

Determined to try to keep things 'light' this week, I have simply taken some pictures from the 'Farm' file adding quotes that I like.

Tomorrow I have another CT Scan to determine if there is any spread to the pelvis and the abdomen followed by an appointment with my oncologist Thursday to get the results.

It is my intention to ask very direct questions with the expectation of complete honesty. It is important for me to know exactly what I am facing.

The Cancer for Which There is No Cure and Few Treatment Options

2011-05-11T22:40:00.005+10:00

'Start by doing what's necessary;
then do what's possible;
and suddenly you are doing the impossible'

Francis of Assisi

At the time of my breast cancer diagnosis in 2003 there was nothing to photograph.

In December 2005 I underwent surgery to remove this tumour that had begun to grow on the outside of the breast. It appeared to be fungating.

After very successful surgery, and 5 days in hospital, things were looking decidedly better. My chosen surgeon's handiwork was remarkable!

In April 2009, after months of agonising pain, a diagnosis of recurrence in the brachial plexus was made. I underwent 30 sessions of radiotherapy believing that it was the only option available to relieve the pain and treat the cancer.

At no time, either before or during treatment, was I informed that there was an increased risk of secondary cancer.

Haydn refused to take photographs as the therapy continued. The burning and blistering was probably 4 times worse than the pictures show.

I am now living with soft tissue cancer caused, according to my Medical Oncologist, from the high doses of radiation. Hidden away under the lesion is my 'tatoo.'

We are now measuring and photographing the lesion to keep track of its growth.

In an attempt to further educate myself on the possible outcomes of my 'latest' tumour I have been making an effort to research 'fungating' tumours. My first attempt left me feeling quite distressed. It is important that I take one step at a time, and do not get ahead of myself, which is easily done. I did have a discussion with one of the Palliative Care nurses, however, although well intended, the possible outcomes are quite frightening.

It seems my latest tumour is a fungating tumour and, although not normally fatal, complications can be. I am hoping that through blogging I will learn more about possible treatments and outcomes. I understand these tumours can be very confronting as they are so unsightly. The stench is unbelievable! The risk of morbidity is high! Overall not something to look forward to!

Although I am jumping ahead slightly, I am looking at both Manuka Honey and Medical Maggots as possible treatment options for the wound. I think it will be up to me to find the best treatment options in an all out effort to live as well as I am able, for as long as I am able.

May God bless you for sharing the journey.

Paul Comes Good

2011-05-04T22:26:00.007+10:00

"You cannot poison your body into health with drugs, chemo or radiation. 'Health' can only be achieved with healthful living." -T.C. Fry

Yesterday, while visiting my General Practitioner, I found yet another reason to hold him in high regard. He took the time to explain the likely outcome of my soft tissue lesion. Having previously been told by the surgeon that, in his opinion, surgery could do more harm than good, I have been at a loss to know in which direction to turn. Dr Sales likened my tumour to the body of an optopus. Should that body be removed, it would still leave arms (tentacles) intact. The surgery could leave a gaping wound that may not heal, as well as active cancer in the many area of the tentacles. With disruption to the blood and lymphatic system, and without efficient circulation of both, skin function would be severely impaired resulting in congestion and build up of waste material in the tissue, ultimately causing tissue death. The end result is a fungating wound not able to heal. Apparently they are very confronting, as well as being extremely smelly and uncomfortable. Definitely something to be avoided!

I mentioned to Dr Sales how much I appreciated the fact that he had taken me on as his patient when my own doctor, of long standing, had given up on me. We made a pact (kind of) that he would continue to seek answers as for as long as it takes. It is a very special human being that takes on a new patient with a chronic disease when his books have been closed for years. I am also Bulk Billed, meaning that he makes practically no money from me.

Tonight I am also pleased to be able to say that I have now had a phone call from Paul, my Biochemist friend. Without saying more than is necessary, I feel it is critical to point out that Paul is no longer able to practise in his chosen field. He was written up nationally as being a 'cancer con man' in 2005 and, after a lengthy court battle, he lost all rights to practise as well as all computer records. I remained loyal to him as I felt his past had nothing to do with my present, and treatment. He has always said he is very grateful to me and will do whatever he can to be of assistance.

When he called me today he explained that people do not always get back to him when they say they will, plus the fact that he is dealing with different time zones. He assured me that he will always come good, however, it may not be in 'my' time. Thanks Paul. I was also interested to learn that many people still hear of him by word of mouth and he spends quite a lot of time seeking appropriate treatment for those in need. Not bad for someone that is a 'con man' and who does not receive any payment for the work he does in spite of being in an unfortunate financial position.

He apparently has a 'consensus' and has come up with a 'plan of action' for me. I will have to order some Chelated Potassium online bit will be able to purchase the other product recommended at my local Health Food store.

I remain optimistic that, with appropriate treatment, we will be able to prevent this lesion breaking through the skin's surface where it could do a lot of damage.

X Marks the Spot

2011-05-01T13:12:00.000+10:00

'The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes us patient, sensitive, and 'Godlike.' It teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.'

Helen Keller

As mentioned in my previous post, research has me believing that my current cancer crisis is a result of radiation treatment that was, not only ineffective, but damaging. The lesion growing on the clavicle is actually at the site of the radiation tattoo given prior to my treatment. It was intended to be used as a guide, allowing the rays to be directed accurately. With this 'monster' growing on my clavicle, it is obvious that the 'tattoo' is almost directly below it and only millimetres away. Too close for there not to be some relationship between the two.

From what I can make out, it is possible that the cancer cells were damaged with treatment rather than killed. At no time was I told that secondary cancer was a possible [probable] side effect. I now ask myself why I did not undertake more of my own research; as I would normally have done ? In reality, I had been in severe pain for months and felt so relieved to actually be given the diagnosis of Breast Cancer recurrence in the Brachial Plexus that it was exciting for me to learn that it would 'cure' my pain, thus reducing my need for Opiates. I believed the Radiation Oncologist when he told me it was my only option. He offered me Hope!

Apparently, when the cells are damaged they become radical cells causing the body to produce growth hormones in an effort to heal. Instead of having a slow growing lesion I now have a cancer behaving aggressively. Each day I scrutinise the area to determine if there is an increase in size. It is currently about 8cm.

Cancer of the soft tissue is not normally fatal. What I do not know is how I am supposed to overcome the pain and suffering that is beginning to rule my life again. I refuse to increase my Oxycontin dosage, after all, getting off of the opiates was the reason I agreed to undertake Radiation Therapy in June 2009.

I spoke to a Biochemist friend and I believed him when he told me that he had scheduled a conference call with three other Health Care Professionals for 11am Wednesday morning. I was to call him Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately, when I made the call he abruptly said that HE TOLD ME he would call me Thursday. I felt disappointed! I mentioned it to Haydn who, fortunately, had overheard the original conversation. The arrangement was that I WAS TO RING Wednesday afternoon. I have heard nothing since and my pride will not allow me to call him again as he appeared to give me the 'short shift' on the last call.

Guess that leaves me on my own for the time being as I wait for for another door to open.

My Breast Cancer Recurrence

2011-04-25T22:26:00.013+10:00

Although not a particularly clear picture, it does give some idea of the recurrence of my breast cancer in the soft tissue surrounding the clavicle.

'Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it.'

Ovid Quote [Ancient Roman classical Poet and Author of Metamorphoses, 43BC-17]

Although this entry is about the reason for my absence on these pages, it is also a platform for me to give thanks to those that have taken the time to contact me voicing concern at my absence. I am amazed that so many have emailed me personally, enquiring after my well being. I am indebted to you for the gift of your friendship. Please let me say that you have become more like 'family' than my own.

To be perfectly honest, I am not really sure why it has taken me so long to organise myself to do what I love most; that is to blog. We did manage to do a road trip to Victoria for which I am very grateful. I succeeded in spending time with each of my three children and their families. On our return, I decided to act on my concerns, making an urgent appointment to see my doctor. He agreed that immediate action was necessary. The lesion on my clavicle, growing rapidly and causing the area surrounding it to become very inflamed, required treatment.

My appointment with my Radiation Oncologist did not go particularly well. I asked him if what I was looking at could have been caused by the radiation given to treat my cancer. He avoided my eyes and denied that was the reason, although his silence told me all I needed to know.

I then saw my Medical Oncologist who, once again, proved himself to be 'my kind' of doctor. He explained that what he was looking at appeared to be breast cancer recurrence in the soft tissue. He said it is not uncommon, and, although it is not usually fatal, complications can kill. Chemotherapy is not given routinely as it is not effective. Dr Van has requested another CT scan prior to seeing him on 19 May. I must admit to being slightly concerned about radiation given the number of scans undertaken over the past 5 years. My last one was in January.

Tonight I decided to seek information on possible cause and treatment of cancer recurrence in the soft tissue. I was not surprised to find that on one of the reliable Cancer Council websites, radiation given to treat breast cancer has shown to be a possible cause of recurrence in soft tissue. Naturally, the risks are greater the higher the doses of radiation given, and I was given what was considered to be the highest [safe] dose.

Where to from here? I have no idea really...

The Events as I Know Them

2011-03-03T22:48:00.001+11:00

'As to diseases make a habit of two things - to help, or at least, to do no harm'

- Hippocrates, Greek Physician

Thank you to all that have taken the time to email, or get in touch regarding my test results. Your thoughtfulness is comforting... and very much appreciated.

After what felt like a very long wait I have now seen my absolutely brilliant oncologist. I like what I see even more the second time around. As Dr Andre Van sat at his desk reading the report he began to feel around my neck region. I, very bravely, asked him if it would make it easier for him if my clothing was removed. That done, he continued to probe... while reading. Initially he questioned his perspicacity in requesting the tests, however, as he went on he began to see the wisdom of his decision. It was only when the nurse entered the room that he became aware that we had not followed protocol by undressing behind the curtain.

What was thought to be a problem in the right lung is a collapsed lobe as a result of radiation damage; it could, in fact possibly be a small mass. That will be observed!

As thought, there appears to be a change, with suspicious nodal metastasis in the right axilla.

There is some confusion owing to the increasing size of several lobular masses in the area of the right supraclavicular region with associated bone destruction. Given that Dr Van was seeing me for only the second time, he impressed me with his willingness to seek information and answers. On reading previous reports, he suggested that a biopsy of the lesion in question had been performed. I felt ready to dispute that when he told me the date and location of the test. I quickly realised that, at that time, I was searching for answers; looking for a reason for the unbearable pain that had me screaming in agony each and every day. I have few memories of that time other than the pain. What I do remember is the first time I was given opiates and the sleep that came easily. Alleluia!

It seems there is one mass in particular that was positive prior to radiation. It was the very thing I thought the radiation was to address. To learn that it has been there the whole time, and has grown, came as a surprise as I have had no treatment for it. OK So I am grateful to this wonderful doctor who is giving me yet another chance, however, there have been several emotions processed to reach this point. It would seem the radiation has been of little, or no use, and may even have done more harm than good.

Dr Van did say I am not without options. He made a phone call to my Radiation Oncologist, followed by a call to Dr Logan who is an Oncological Surgeon. Miraculously, I have been given an appointment for a consultation with Dr Logan on 11 March.

I am going into this with an open mind, however, it does appear that my options will be limited due to the build up of fluid in that region and the degree of damage from radiation.

In the meantime, my Femara has been replaced with Aromasin (exemestane.) I have been warned of the increasing susceptibility to joint swelling and pain with this new medication.

This entry has been done in record time for which I apologise. Do hope you can make sense of it. As one week has passed since my appointment you know it is not my 'usual' style to leave it this long to report. I am really trying to get my head arounds these facts!

This Week I Learned

2011-02-20T22:28:00.024+11:00

'A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strength; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognises your disabilities but emphasises your possibilities' - William Arthur Ward

It has been some time since we have spent a day at home; I have missed being online. Haydn is determined to purchase a motor vehicle to replace the Mitsubishi Pajero 4WD as quickly as possible. He is very aware that not having a second vehicle adds to my feelings of isolation. The plan to sell the Pajero in order to free up some cash was not well thought through; as retirees our expenses exceed our income. Thankfully, we receive a regular income from the complex containing 5 industrial sheds. There is also a superannuation fund that we endeavour not to touch. It is possible to spend the income should it be necessary. Haydn is mindful of the cost of health care in this country; there will always be money put aside should we need it. We plan to use some of the money from the sale of the vehicle for holidays. In the 15 years we have been together, we have had one week away, apart from a wonderful honeymoon in Tasmania in 1996. No! We are definitely not living the 'high' life. Quite simply, farming 67 hectares does not produce income. Haydn has worked and saved all his life. The fruits of his labour are obvious when you drive onto the farm. He is doing what he loves. I am thrilled to see him have this opportunity.

The Nissan Maxima, as winner of Wheels Car of the Year for the past two years, caught Haydn's eye; we have now made the discovery there are very few second-hand vehicles available. We have been 'on the go' and online for over a month. Finding low kilometres, with full service history, is almost impossibility! Fleet vehicles are' hit and miss' when it comes to service. Haydn is of the 'old' school and changes the oil every 5,000 kilometres. As a result of this we have travelled to Sydney twice in the past week. Along with other activities, including looking at every car lot in Newcastle/Lake Macquarie, it seems to have caught up with me. As a result, I decided to take a 'raincheck' on lunch with my Breast Cancer Support Group today. I spent a leisurely day at home which included time for meditation. It was all about 'me!'

At last! I am getting to the thought behind today's post! Yesterday I learned that IT IS possible to make a huge contribution with an almost useless right hand. We called into a shopping centre on the Central Coast for lunch and some groceries. As I was paying for my things I observed Haydn who stood transfixed, eyes on the check-out operator, who managed to 'swing' a three litre bottle of milk, a six pack of yogurt and all other groceries into the plastic bag with her left hand. She had somehow managed to open the bag with an almost useless right hand. I watched, inspired and fascinated, determined to come home and do better myself. In fact it is my intention to call the store in order to see if it is possible to speak personally to this young woman. I would like to know if she is naturally left handed or has she developed these skills in order to 'survive' in this, sometimes, tough world? She was amazing!

Your Heavenly Body

2011-02-16T22:29:00.000+11:00

'The most beautiful system [The Universe] could only proceed from the dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being' - Isaac Newton

Ever wonder what your heavenly body will be like? The Bible gives us three answers to the questions. 'How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?' First, it speaks of anatomy:'...Men have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another, fish another.' (1 Corinthians 15:35 NIV)

Just as fish are designed to handle the pressures of the ocean and birds are designed to fly, your heavenly body will be custom-made for eternity. (Imagine travelling not merely at the speed of light, but the speed of thought!) Next it speaks of astronomy: The sun has one kind of splendour, the moon another and the stars another; star differs from star in splendour. So will it be with the resurrection of the dead...' (1 Corinthians 15:41 NIV) There will be degrees of honour and differences of reward when we get to Heaven. Your service now is what determines your status then 'God' will give to each person according to what he has done.' (Romans 2:6 NIV) Finally, it speaks of agriculture....'it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power.' (1Corinthians 15:43 NIV) It's said the old Saxon word for cemetery means 'God's acre.' How wonderful; Christians don't get buried, they get planted!

There's a Bulletin Board in the Mayo Clinic which reads:
'Cancer is limited: it cannot cripple love, it cannot shatter hope, it cannot erode faith, it cannot eat away peace, it cannot destroy confidence, it cannot kill friendship, it cannot shut out memories, it cannot silence courage, it cannot invade the soul, it cannot reduce eternal life, it cannot quench the spirit and it cannot lesson the power of the resurrection.

This information, given to me by a friend, was taken from: http://www.thewordfortoday.com.au/

Is it a 'Cause for Concern?'

2011-02-11T22:46:00.000+11:00

The NSW coal mining industry has enjoyed a period of extraordinary growth over the past few years

'A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses.'
Hippocrates

Coal prices have risen on the back of increased demand from China. Higher prices have stimulated investment in the NSW coal industry. There have been a number of new mining developments, or major expansions, to existing mines. Several of these are in close proximity in the Hunter Valley. Is this then a cause for concern?

I do not believe that my breast cancer has anything to do with the mining industry. I do believe that there are potential health risks associated with mining. I will go so far as to say though that there does appear to be a cancer 'cluster' right here in this area with its magnificent views. Looking across the Allyn Valley, at times, we see the haze from the mines. Our home is not in close proximity to any of the homes on the six adjoining properties. Being a rural area, we live on 67 hectares, or almost 200 acres for those not familiar with the metric system. Of the six adjoining properties, at least one person in each of five of them has, or has had, cancer. Last year we attended funeral services for two of them. Although Haydn has owned the land for 20 years, we have been residents for less than three years

Apart from information gleaned from local papers, I have done no research into potential health risks associated with mining. I did find it interesting that the couple that looked at the property last weekend stated emphatically that, although the husband works in the mines, he will not live anywhere near them. After their first inspection, they have said they can see themselves living here.

My relationship with Haydn is not an issue; fortunately the lines of communication have been opened. There has been a huge shift! At 64 years of age, he is prepared to sell acreage that he has lovingly tended for 20 years in order to give me the opportunity to return to the city. This would enable me to spend time with friends and seek treatment as necessary. Is it the right thing to do at this stage? The more interest in the farm the people show, the higher my stress levels. I have shed tears of frustration this past week knowing that Haydn was put in the same position many years ago when his first wife became ill. I do not believe it is right for him to go through it again!

A huge 'Thank You' for your response to my previous post and your compliments on our home and view.

Our First Inspection

2011-02-05T23:03:00.002+11:00

At the time the house was built it was going to be our 'dream' home.

The kitchen is a 'dream' in which to work.

The ensuite has windows facing both north and south making it 'perfect' for a morning bath

The view and verandah; perfect for Al Fresco dining

Crossing the cattle grid and heading home

The view 365 days of the year

Beauty surrounds us

Haydn loves his cattle which are Red Angus or Red Angus/Devon cross

'Contemplation often makes life miserable.

We should act more, think less and stop watching ourselves live.'

-Chamfort ~French playwright 1741 to 1794

Since retiring, and having to face the reality of the recurrence of my breast cancer, it seems I have been wearing myself out thinking. Yes! There have been many challenges but none that I have not been given the strength to endure. At last it has begun to 'sink' in that my fatigue is due, in part, to overthinking! I have made the decision that, in order to become more proactive, it is necessary to open the lines of communication between Haydn and myself. After 15+ years you would have thought that was a lesson learnt.

As mentioned in a previous post, I hadve been questioning, of late, my relationship with Haydn. We have come a long way in a short time since doing more talking! The past two weeks have seen many 'issues' resolved. I am so very grateful to 'The King' (his 'nickname' in my previous blog) for being 'open' to ideas and ready to make changes. I have suggested there may be things that I do that get under his skin. If so, he needs to bring them out into the open.

The King coasts along which, in reality, is 'cool.' I now realise that he offers me another type of 'unconditional' love. We enjoy a love that endures in spite of unfavourable circumstances. We spoke yesterday of the many relationships that fail when the going gets tough. In our case, we simply get going and just keep on keeping on. Admittedly, there are certain behaviours that cause me some angst, however, that is not who Haydn is. I have learnt from him!

Now back to the reason for the post. At the end of September the farm was listed for sale. As a result, it is no longer under contract; it was a 90 day contract. There was not one inspection until today, when that changed. We had our first inspection! The verdict - it is hard not to like!!! We wait, in anticipation, for a second inspection.

We have learnt in life that 'things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out.' - Author Unknown

What does it Mean?

2011-02-01T22:49:00.054+11:00

'Half of what I say is meaningless; but I say it so that the other half may reach you.'

- Kahlil Gibran

Somehow I cannot help but feel that darkness has surrounded me for longer than I would like. I have taken a step forward in search of the love, light and laughter that was once my very being. This will be a brief post; to keep Indigo Dreaming alive.

Tomorrow I see my doctor and will be asking him about my test results. I do not wish to feel overly excited, however, I look forward in anticipation to the possibility that he may be able to make a phone call on my behalf. It would be wonderful to learn the outcome of the tests prior to 24 February.

It seems I have not become totally absorbed with my own problems; I am in receipt of an email that has humbled me. I consider the outcome a Gift from God. Shortly after Jeremy's accident I was fortunate to learn of Memorial web sites. I felt that setting one up would give me an interest and also provide the perfect opportunity to keep my son's memory alive. While looking at other sites I realised graphics were being done to enhance the sites; I had no idea how to go about making them! I became aware that as my photos were not digital, I had to work out how to scan them to give me images to work with. It is amazing to see just what can be achieved by a very determined Mother mourning the loss of a much loved child. Jezz would be proud of me!It all seems so long ago! I became involved with a group called Angel Families Online where I formed the most amazing friendships and received all the help I needed. In the process, I learned to do simple graphics while finding others who willingly gave up their time to assist me. The result can be seen here:

http://jeremy-radford.memory-of.com/About.aspx

Many Memory-of friends are also FaceBook friends. I feel sure the writer of the following email will not mind that I have chosen to share it with you. She writes, (in part only:)

'I always went to your son's page because he was a so special. God sent him to you and he was your 'miracle' baby. I have seen the pics of the whole breast procedure on fb and it brought tears to my eyes. I have a mass on my left breast. I ignored going to specialist until seeing this. You have taught me a lesson.'

I have chosen to share just a small portion of this email, rather than keep it private. It is my intention for readers to seek counsel thus providing a plan of action and appropriate treatment. It is important to understand that early intervention usually provides better outcomes. 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself.'

P.S. My doctor proved himself to be worth his weight in gold today. A quick phone call and my results were on his computer screen ready for viewing. My bone scan does not show any bony metastases which is good news for me. CT Scan not as clear. There appears to be a 6mm node with poorly defined margins in the right neck. There is also an enlarging nodule in the right pectoralis now measuring 18mm. There is also a rounded 12mm nodule at the medial edge of the scar which has changed. Suspicious change in the area of the right inferior lung which may reflect further benign change or small new mass. Whew!!!!!

So my dear friends, having decided that my doctor's room will, in future, be used as a crying room I can start anytime. This is not necessarily news I wanted to hear, however, it is not something I will unduly concern myself with until I have the opportunity to discuss my condition with my oncologist. At the end of the day, I am still waiting for my appointment on 24 February. And. I did survive January 2011!

My love and gratitude to all. Chez xo

I am Being Tested

2011-01-27T20:36:00.001+11:00

All human wisdom is summed up in two words ~ wait and hope

- Alexandre Dumas Pere

In spite of my very best intentions, it seems I am to be tested. Having spoken to Dr Van's secretary on Tuesday I was expecting to hear from him either today or tomorrow with my test results.

Today I did receive a phone call from Dr Van's secretary. She advised me that the test results are pending and doctor is going on leave tomorrow. He has therefore advised me to keep my appointment on 24 February. I guess that leaves me little else but to wait and hope. I am grateful for the phone call although it did not stop me from sobbing uncontrollably at the news.

In the meantime, I am looking at my left arm which now has a large pocket of fluid at the elbow as a result of the cannula being inserted for the contrast and isotopes. I have no idea what that means but I do know that I feel some concern at anything that has the potential to cause me problems with the only arm that works. It is bad enough that I have severe carpal tunnel symptoms as a result of using my left hand on the keypad of the laptop. Something I can only change when I have my new laptop set up with Dragon, speech recognition software.

Speaking of which, I had been advised by the retail store from which I purchased my new notebook computer in December that the cost of the data transfer would be $140. Given that my thumb is continually numb from RSI symptoms I phoned the store this morning to enquire as to the length of time it would take to do the transfer. I was informed it could be done today. I quickly showered and headed in only to be told on arrival that, as I had not done my own set-up, there would be an additional cost of $99 and it would not be ready until Monday (today is Thursday.)

Haydn made it clear that it was his belief I would not be able to live without the Internet for four days and he would not be able to live with me. Needless to say the computer came home with me.

I remain hopeful! Any suggestions on how to wait patiently?

Oh No! Could I be Turning into a Wimp?

2011-01-26T23:06:00.000+11:00

'Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.' ~Author Unknown

Although it was my intention to continue with 'Why I am Where I am' I have decided to deviate. Dr Andre Van Der Westhuizen (Medical Oncologist) endeared himself to me at the time of our initial consultation, as you know. There was a sense of relief when he referred me for CT Scan and Bone Scan. As a new treating practitioner, I appreciated that he wished to have a clear picture of my condition. Having been on Femara (Aromatase Inhibitor) for 14 months, it is important to check bone density; the scan will also show if the cancer has spread to the bones. More importantly, I believe these test results will give some indication, and reason for, the increasing size of the lump on the clavicle. As there are new lumps below, the results will, hopefully, prevent any further speculation on my part. Dr Van indicated he has not seen anything like this previously and stated that my case is most unusual ~ a 'double edged sword?'

When Dr Van mentioned that he would telephone me with the results I apparently gave him a 'look' as he quickly corrected himself saying 'Not a good idea!' We discussed the way in which news could be delivered and he then suggested I make an appointment to see him. My appointment was made for 9 February. Prior to the tests being carried out I received a letter from Dr Van's secretary stating that my appointment had been changed to 24 February. As you know, waiting can be difficult! A month just too long for me to wait. Beth at Calling the Shots has done a 'must read' post,'Reduce Your Wait for Medical Results.' As is often the case, there is a 'synchronicity' among bloggers. I decided to approach the reception desk to ask about having Dr Van telephone me with the results as soon as he has them. I suspect that being a large 'public' hospital I am just another number and I know the clinic sees around 200 patients each day it is very easy to get 'lost in the system.' By Friday, I will be making my first 'follow up' telephone call.

As many of you know both tests were carried out yesterday; I was a bit of a wreck when I arrived home, not only as a result of the testing but due in part to the hot weather. It was 40 degrees Celsius (approximately 104 Fahrenheit.) Tests have not presented any real problem in the past and, although it is a long day, it is normally a 'breeze' for me. We left the farm at 7.30am, arriving at the hospital at 8.45am in time to drink the required 1.25 litres of water in readiness for the CT Scan. The technicians were fabulous; no difficulty accommodating me and the fact that I am no longer able to raise my right arm above my head. There is always some concern with the use of contrast as I have been known to collapse as a result of eating shellfish. Fortunately the staff were prepared for any emergency!

10am and I was ready for the Bone Scan. The cannula had been flushed and remained in place ready for the injection of isotopes. Found a comfortable seat in the coffee shop, sun streaming in through the glass windows, where I ordered a cup of coffee and a toasted cheese and tomato sandwich. After a two hour wait it was time for the next stage. As my legs and arms were strapped into position I began to feel agitated knowing that my right arm, being a lymphoedema limb, is prone to after affects should the strap be too tight. I asked them to loosen it slightly. Unfortunately, I was not told the assistant had left the room and the procedure had commenced. I immediately became aware that I had no control over my right arm. My fingers began to curl, my level of concern increasing as my arm and fingers began to twitch uncontrollably. In no time the assistant was beside me to tell me my arm had slipped stopping the camera, hence the machine. I apologised, explaining that I had absolutely no control. She suggested that I 'hold on' until the machine had passed my hips and she would then be able to release my arms allowing me to cross them over my chest. I think I used every muscle in my upper body in my endeavour to hold that arm close to my body. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life. There were tears in my eyes as I tried to think of more enjoyable times. I was feeling the frustration at every level!

Fortunately, another technician recognised my dilemma as she observed from behind the lead glass and suggested it could be done differently. For stage two in which the machine was to go around my body, I was placed in a wide band similar to a 'straight jacket.' It wrapped around my body and arms from the wrist to the shoulders. Even with the security provided from this band, my arm and hands refused to obey instructions leaving me fully aware of the deterioration. I had no idea what my right hand was doing but it moved constantly and my arm was at odds with my mental instructions; it was out of control Keeping it still, and by my side, was an impossible task. I was feeling like a wimp and under no illusion as to why activities have become so much more difficult for me. I honestly felt as if I did not want another scan. Ever!

Do you breeze through your scans, or do you sometimes feel you have 'had enough' of them?

Why I am Where I am

2011-01-24T22:30:00.000+11:00

'I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.'

-Roy Croft

Maybe the next few posts will not be riveting reading for all; for those that stay with me on this journey I expect it will take us in several directions. My approach to life has always been rather eclectic, as I use a variety of methods to allow me to 'deal with' any challenge/task. I do hope that writing these posts will provide some clarity in my life.

I know about 'soul' searching having done quite a bit lately. As a result, I feel as if I have reached a fork in the road. I am painfully aware of 'taking myself wherever I go' which makes it difficult to 'avoid' pain and suffering should it is my own. Many of you know, and understand, the depth of feelings developed over time with fellow bloggers; they become life altering. One such blogger is Brenda @ Breast Cancer Sisterhood who writes poignantly of the death of her precious James on 26th December, 2010. Brenda, writes of the love she and James share and has written in such a way as to open wounds that I felt had been put to rest.

When I married my late husband Ray in 1967 little did I know he would show me the meaning of 'unconditional' love. During our 27 years together I enjoyed the privilege of being loved and accepted, in spite of my many faults. At the time Ray was diagnosed with a brain tumour it was necessary to leave our squash and fitness centre to allow him to undergo surgery in Melbourne. Damian, who was about 18, along with a close personal friend Marianne Hocking stepped up to the task. Jeremy, our 7 year old, with farmed out to the most amazing family. Leaving him with the Allen family enabled me to spend 18 weeks with Ray during his neuro and thoracic surgery. The procedures took much longer than expected. Ray was paralysed down one side as a result of the first operation. Rehabilitation was required before he could undertake surgery to remove the tumour on his lung. The lung tumour was discovered during testing for the brain tumour. We survived that period and, somehow, I was able to spend every day, and most nights, by Ray's side. The nurse's quarters became my 'home' away from home. Thankfully, Mum had travelled from Dubbo to be with Ray and me after his initial neuro surgery. She then headed up to Lakes Entrance where she was made to feel welcome by some of our close personal friends.

Four years later Ray went into a coma; it happened suddenly. Jeremy helped me to carry his Father into the bed he shared with me. I phoned my Mother in Dubbo who agreed to catch the train that very day. Mum's presence allowed me to climb into bed beside my darling Raymond. I stayed beside him in the bed for the last five days of his time on earth. At times we were visited by loving family and friends; loved ones that had come to say their goodbyes. I remember that time well! I often feel guilty thinking of things I had done prior to that time. Things I am not proud of. I ask Ray's forgiveness.

I recollect so well the sense of peace that came from sharing the journey; it seems I was led. There are lasting benefits to sharing a love which is timeless; a love in which I feel treasured/secure. There is no room for jealousy, there is only pure love. With love all things are possible.

To meet and to part is the story of life; to part and to meet is the glory of life

QLD Flood Crisis

2011-01-13T17:44:00.001+11:00

We ran as fast as we could says Queensland woman.

The above picture was taken from ninemsn and it is certainly a case of 'a picture being worth a thousand words.' A Queensland woman said she and four others ran for their lives when a large crack in the ground turned into a giant pit.

The death toll currently stands at 15 with 61 still missing.

Although I have not been blogging on the situation I have used Facebook as a means of allowing interested friends to keep abreast. Social Networking sites are abound with stories and offers of help. The television shows images that will remain etched in my memory forever.

Thousands of homes in Brisbane are already underwater. I have a sister in Brisbane that is without electricity. Her neighbours on the low side of the street are expected to go underwater while she and my brother-in-law have their own garage filled with the furniture of several neighbours.

Goondiwindi is expecting to peak at 10.85 metres.. The levy bank around the town was designed and built in 1958 and is expected to hold as it is designed to take waters to 11 metres. The hospital and aged care facilities have been evacuated as a precautionary measure.

There are amazing photos of yachts on the Brisbane river breaking up and sinking. Miraculously, people on the yachts were rescued.

The Queensland Premier, Anna Bligh has shown the most amazing leadership in face of adversity. Although I was not necessarily a fan of hers prior to this event, she has been elevated in my estimation.

Much of our 'fresh' food is grown in Queensland. Thankfully, the season is almost finished and our fruit and vegetables will soon be coming out of Victoria. There are signs of 'panic' buying as people try to 'stock-up' on essentials. Bread and milk are completely missing from many supermarket shelves. There are pictures of a Coles supermarket in Ipswich completely underwater.

There are heart felt stories of residents having lost everything themselves, reaching out to others. Lives lost in an effort to check on the property of others. These floods do bring back some memories for me. As a youngster, my family were inundated during the floods in Dubbo. I am unsure if it was 1955 or 1956. We lost everything. All personal belongings were swept away when the Macquarie River flooded.

I ask you to hold the people of Queensland in your thoughts and prayers please. There seems to be little else we can do. It is times like this I feel anger knowing that pain and dysfunction prevents me from being in Queensland, sleeves rolled up and assisting in any way possible.

The question is being asked 'Are the Queensland floods Australia's worst natural disaster?'

11.1.11 Celebrating Life

2011-01-12T23:02:00.005+11:00

The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity - Seneca, Roman philosopher

Celebrating my birthday on 11.1.11 was quite special for me. Not for any reason other than there have been times I doubted I would make it.

This beautiful Birthday Post Card was organised as a surprise. My special friend Kaz, a resident of Maine, posted this on my Facebook wall. I was overcome with emotion! It is definitely something to be printed onto canvas for framing. Thanks Kaz for this 'Memory Moment' which I will treasure all of my days

As my regular readers are aware there is a 'family history' of birth/death in the same month. Always the question to be asked 'Is this the year?'

Interestingly enough, I saw my doctor on my birthday. The discussion centered around the outcome of last week's appointment with my 'new' oncologist. Dr Sales said he felt there had to be 'just cause' for extensive testing given my situation. It was not simply about furthering the education of the medical profession. As I was unsure of what he meant, I asked him to 'please explain?' He made it clear that, given the tests were likely to show the reason for growth and increasing pain on and around the clavicle, as well as hard nodules below, there had to be treatment options available. The answer is a definite 'Yes' although my thoughts, at this time, are that 'quality' of life will always take precedence over 'duration' of life.

As with most things, that is easy to say now. Time will tell! After all,Damian and Tyneal will present me with the gift of grandchild number 10 in June.

The Christmas Gift that is not 'Mine' to Keep

2011-01-09T22:28:00.007+11:00

Oops! After many attempts I am 'over' trying to get this picture rotated for easy reading. I did my best, however the 'system' beat me followed, closely by my inexperience.

For some time prior to Christmas my stepdaughter Claire had asked me for my 'favourite' quote. She appeared to be very excited! The reason behind the request was apparently very 'hush, hush.'

I was slightly perplexed, not having an 'all time' favourite in the 'general' category. Still she was reluctant to explain the reason behind her requisition.

She visited us at the farm prior to Christmas which gave us the opportunity for a 'deep and meaningful' conversation. I expressed my love for her, along with my concerns regarding several aspects of her life. I must be honest with you; I was brutally frank in explaining that I am doing everything I can to stay alive and it bothers me to watch her destroying herself with, what I see, as an eating disorder. Claire assured me that she does not have a 'problem.' In fact, she simply 'forgets' to eat. Avoiding friends who choose to comment on her weight is also not a good idea. As nothing works in isolation we all need friends, they are to be valued and appreciated. I did not hesitate to remind her of this.

I even suggested to her that there is not a family member to take on the role of 'mentoring' after my death. It would give me peace of mind to know that she is making appropriate changes.

Coincidentally, I then found the following which I felt was 'perfect' for Claire. I decided to paste it on her Facebook wall as a way of affirming my words to her:
'I love you, and because I love you,
I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth
than love me for telling you lies'
From Chez

I certainly did not post it because it was 'MY' favourite quote!

There was great fanfare on Christmas Day when Claire gathered the family to make her presentation to me. She spoke of the 14 plus years that I have been her Stepmother; she was 12 at the time of her Mother's passing.

She lifted her T Shirt to uncover the tattoo; her Christmas gift to me for 2010.

How do I feel about the gift? I really don't know! I believe it is her right to make decisions regarding her own body. Will she regret it later? Only time will tell. Deep down, I do admit to feeling deeply touched.

'Better a serpent than a stepmother' - Euripides

I'm in Love!!!

2011-01-05T23:48:00.000+11:00

'There is a light in this world, a healing spirit

more powerful than any darkness we may encounter.

We sometimes lose sight of this force

when there is suffering, and too much pain.

Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge

through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call

and answer in extraordinary ways.'

Mother Teresa

No! I am not in love with the man personally. I simply love who he is and how he goes about doing what he does. I am talking about my new Oncologist. What a joy he has turned out to be!

It was June 2007 that I realised I had a recurring problem. Just 6 months after Jeremy's accident I discovered a lump in the region of my previous mastectomy. It was not until April 2009, and suffering considerable pain, that my problem was diagnosed. I was advised that radiation was my only option; recurrence in the brachial plexus a rare and painful condition. Thirty hits of radiation later I was given the 'all clear.' Unfortunately, within one month it was obvious that the 'problem' was far from 'fixed.' I was then referred to Dr Janine Lombard who was to become my Medical Oncologist. I saw her twice before she went on maternity leave. For the whole of 2010 I was subjected to different doctors with varying opinions. As the result of a PET Scan in June I was told that my results were 'exceptional.' I was elated! It appeared that the results from Femara had exceeded all expectations. I became a little concerned in September when, yet a different oncologist disregarded my concerns for the lump which was growing on my clavicle, then.

I then spoke to my own medical practitioner who recommended a CT Scan in a letter to my Radiation Oncologist. My appointment was in December which did not seem to be the 'right' time to push for further testing, even though the size of the lump was increasing with several new hard lumps in the region of the chest wall. I decided that as my radiation oncologist was not concerned I would 'let go' of my own worries.

My appointment today was to see Dr Andre Van Der Westhuizen. I knew nothing other than his name and the fact that he had arrived from South Africa to take over my care from Dr Lombard. My initial reaction was favourable and within a short time I knew I had struck 'gold.' Dr Van Der Westhuizen informed me that I would be on Warfarin and Femara (or some form of chemotherapy) for life. When I said I thought it would be for a period of five years he quickly pointed out that was for patients not living with metastatic breast cancer. In answer to my concerns regarding the lethargy/fatigue he said that, unfortunately, will also be a lifelong problem.

Dr Van quickly noted the oedema/lymphoedema in my right arm, along with loss of function. He also appeared surprised to learn that I still manage to find a way to undertake yoga and Tai Chi classes. I pointed out that both are an effective means of moving the lymphatic fluid. On reading the clinical notes he was amazed to learn that no further testing had been recommended during my September consultation, given that the lumps were increasing in size. How could there be such dramatic changes in a three month period?

I was given a request for Ct Scan and Bone Scan. Somewhere there is also to be a scan of my liver. Doctor Van did make it clear that the lesions? on my clavicle and surrounding area are most unusual, especially as the area is often extremely painful. As a starting point, he feels a clear picture, indicating my current condition, is essential.

As we said our goodbyes he placed his arm around me and said gently 'I really hope these tests give us a 'good' result!' For my part, I will make every effort not to worry unless I am given just cause.

What a delightful man!

Prayer of St Francis of Assisi

2011-01-02T21:19:00.000+11:00

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

For many years I have carried this quote on my person, frequently taking it out to meditate on the words and their meaning before going on to ask myself

'Am I sowing the seeds of love, pardon, faith, hope, light and joy?' If not, why not?

Please remember also my dear friend Brenda who is mourning the loss of her beloved husband James who passed away suddenly this past week.

May you rest in Eternal Peace James Coffee.

Frustrations and Life on the Farm

2010-12-30T22:32:00.000+11:00

'Consult not your fears but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what is still possible for you to do.' Pope John XXlll

Knowing that 1 January 2011 brings with it an opportunity for change, I cannot help but reflect on life as it is today. It seems only natural to recognise that unaddressed anger is a real possibly. It is one feeling that I have always had difficulty with. As I endeavour to write from a positive perspective in order to lift myself and inspire others, I know it is time to be honest with myself. I am sure that deep seated anger does, in some way, contribute to my breast cancer!

As my struggle with peripheral neuropathy in the lower extremities increases, and the degree of pain, including nerve and muscle damage, develops in my right hand, I have become increasingly frustrated with my inability to manage daily household chores. The isolation of rural living, medication and chronic pain all contribute to depression which, in turn, leads to lack of motivation. I now acknowledge that Femara is instrumental in causing the fatigue that makes life almost unbearable at times. I sometimes omit to take it and within 24 hours my sleep requirements become somewhat normal.

The garden has become overgrown; pests are becoming a problem. Mealy bug, borers and scale are currently causing serious damage. Haydn is a great one for spraying Round Up to control the native couch. Fortunately, we have now learned that glysophate locks up trace elements and we have been able to add it, along with organic matter, to improve the soil. Haydn loves the tractor and works tirelessly on pasture improvement but is not interested in maintaining our shrubs. As a result, they are becoming overgrown. The bush garden in memory of Jeremy has never been finished.

I am wondering if the time will come that I am once again able to drive myself? If not, then it seems fair to say that life at the farm will be unbearable. It has become very difficult for me to think positively and act accordingly as one day stretches into another.

Rather than focus on lack of/problems I intend to see the New Year as a way of making changes to improve my quality of life.

Have I recogised my Frustrations and how do I act on overcoming them?

What are my Hopes and my Dreams?

How do I go about reaching my Potential?

Boxing Day Traditions

2010-12-28T22:43:00.002+11:00

This Post was to be on Boxing Day Traditions however, after working on it for two days, I have deleted my work. My heart is heavy and it is not coming together.

My eldest son Damian, new wife Tyneal and Jascha were here for Christmas. Back in September when Damian made the decision to fly in on 22nd, giving me the opportunity to share in the celebration of Jaschas' 13th birthday, I was elated. We had been together for Jaschas' 10th birthday in 2007. It was the year after Jeremy's accident and we shared accommodation and visited the theme parks which are on the Gold Coast in Queensland. In spite of my broken heart we had a wonderful time, just as we always do when we are together.

It has always been a family joke that I refer to Damian as 'My Damian.' The 'accepted' thing has been that Damian would be there for me in 'old' age should it be needed. He has regularly spoken about using it as a reason to get a home with a granny flat. Ha! Ha! When Damian and family flew out Boxing Day I could not help but think how true the saying 'Have a daughter, have her for life, have a son until he takes a wife' is. My beautiful Damian appears to have become intolerant of his Mother. I simply cannot believe it! Any thoughts that I may have had about moving closer have now been put to rest. I am in shock! I feel as if I have lost both my boys!

So, on a brighter note, I wish to announce that the little wrens have returned to our garden. This picture is courtesy of the WWW.

Australian Fairy Wrens.

It is through my research as a blogger that I have learned that Boxing Day (St Stephen's Day) in Ireland is also also referred to as 'The Day of the Wren.' It seems to be symbolic that the little wrens (Malurus cyaneus) appear annually about this time and disappear towards the end of March. According to the Fact Sheet... 'Male Superb Fairy-wrens have been labelled as 'the least faithful birds in the world'. Females may be courted by up to 13 males in half an hour, and 76% of young are sired by males from outside the social group.' The wrens appear to be here to breed; I intend to enjoy both the sight and the sound of these little birds as they scurry along the ground looking for insects etc.

What the Butterfly Would Say:

2010-12-19T19:57:00.000+11:00

What the Butterfly Would Say:
On the Wings of Transformation, Hope, and Life
By: Jakob Cutter
We have a particular fascination with butterflies. Not only are they amazing pollinators, fun to watch and beautiful, but they instill in us a wonderful sense of transformation, hope, and life.
The life of a butterfly is a journey of stages and rebirth and it reflects changes in our own lives. It is easy to understand why we would find inspiration from them.
As I write this, I have a specific condition in mind: cancer. However, the metaphor extends to other physical conditions, as well as conditions of the mind, heart, and spirit. It extends to the difficulties of life, in general. We are always enduring and thriving.
As we know, the butterfly begins its life story as an egg and from there it becomes a caterpillar. The most notable change is from caterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly. Now, I don’t know much about butterfly psychology—whether they anticipate their metamorphoses from caterpillar to butterfly, but they certainly do make it look easy.
It is not an easy feat though. When the butterfly emerges, its wings are soft and folded. The process is usually bloody, or what appears to be a blood-like substance. Once out, their soft wings unfold and harden, at which time the butterfly takes to the sky to do their graceful aerial dance. Even then, the life of a butterfly is not easy; there are predators, parasites, and pesticides that threaten them.
I don’t know if the butterfly knows its destiny, I don’t know if it looks forward to becoming a butterfly, but I believe that it is the journey that matters. A person close to me who is undergoing chemotherapy told me that when he sees a butterfly, he sees that it chose life. The butterfly’s journey is life affirming despite all obstacles.
I cannot fathom the difficulties of undergoing treatment, living with, and surviving cancer. I cannot fathom the courage it takes to face something so scary. I won’t pretend to understand. The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual toll it takes on the person living with cancer is enormous. It is transforming. The toll it takes on family is massive. In a time of so many scary changes and uncertainty we must look to hope, for which the butterfly is a classic symbol. I'm reminded of a quote, paraphrased: “But we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that trials build perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us.” We can look to the butterfly for this.
Imagine what the butterfly may tell us about these things, about transformation, hope, life... uncertainty. If that graceful aerial dance was an interpretive dance, I believe the butterfly would say: “Even with a broken wing, I still hope! I still live! I still fly!”

Jakob Cutter is a graduate of Indiana University with degrees in History and Psychology with a minor in Sociology. He is currently working as a butterfly farmer at Butterfly Dan’s in Kissimmee, Florida.

Is the End Near? Or is it my Perception?

2010-12-18T21:45:00.002+11:00

‘It is one of the commonest of mistakes to consider that the limit of our power of perception is also the limit of all there is to perceive’ – CW Leadbeater

It has become apparent of late that keeping a train of thought going long enough to do a Post is quite difficult. No excuses! It is just the way it is. There is so much I would like to do with these Posts and yet it simply does not 'come together' for me.

Last weekend I purchased a new notebook computer, along with Dragon Naturally Speaking Voice Recognition Software, that will, hopefully, allow me to communicate with some ease. Laurice and Claire have a friend/worklmate that is going to help me with transferring files. I am excited at the prospect!

My concerns have not changed of late; the fatigue being my greatest hurdle. I ask myself 'Is it the Femara, along with other medications, or is it the natural progression of the disease?

In a telephone conversation yesterday, I spoke with my very dear friend Sonya. 'Sonne' has been an absolute 'rock' since we met just three and one half years ago as newly bereaved parents. As we were saying our goodbyes I had this fleeting thought that my time could be running out. Not wanting to 'give in' too early I have spent the greater part of today getting my focus back to 'living.'

I have the belief that we are often given some signs so it seems my patience will be tested as I 'play the waiting game.' This is not intended to be a unenthusiastic post about my life, it is simply my thoughts. These words are for my pleasure, your enjoyment and the benefit of future generations that have not 'known' me in my lifetime.

Dastardly December Decisions

2010-12-10T23:07:00.001+11:00

'Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.' - Author Unknown

The process of grief is multifaceted. According to Barbato and Irwin 1992 grief is fundamentally an emotional response to loss, the expression of which can include, sadness, sorrow, fatigue, depression, anger, guilt, anxiety. The list goes on! Although I feel that I have managed to avoid many of these symptoms it would seem that, intermingled with similar after-effects of Breast Cancer, I may not be the person I think I am . Much has been written about the effects of both grief and breast cancer/cancer on relationships. We know that many do not survive. I had considered myself to be one of the lucky ones.

It is now 5 years since my surgery. I am just one year into my treatment with Femara; 4 to go! God willing! It is nothing short of a miracle that I am still here. Somewhere along the way it appears that I have lost myself. According to Haydn I have not recognised the loss. Although I consciously grieve for the many losses in my life, I had not been aware that I might also be grieving for the loss of self. Haydn is struggling with the person I have become while I would have said he did not even notice. He simply gets on with his life. I understand Haydn's frustrations. After all, he is my ex-husband; I know him well. We have been together 14 years. Although we separated, later divorcing, we have never been apart. I simply moved out, taking Jeremy with me. This I did to protect myself and my child. We continued to fraternise.

I have noticed for some time that the relationship has become strained. I am used to Haydn and his need to retreat into his 'cave' at the appropriate times. It is his 'thinking' time. I was quite unprepared for the outcome this time. For the first time he laid his cards on the table with complete honesty. I appreciate that. Many things were said. It is not my intention to go into them here other than to say that it has given me plenty to think about.

Each time I go to discuss the situation I burst into tears. He then says it would have been better to say nothing as he cannot handle my tears. I reassure him that tears are good and I wish I had cried more as they are a great emotional release. There is no shame for him to admit that he feels let down by what has happened in his life and wants to 'grab' life and run with it. Strange, I feel exactly the same way. The question is 'Can we do it together?'

Haydn feels he is 'missing out' while I see him as 'living his dream.' He loves the farm. Being out in the paddocks, on his tractor, or with his cattle is what he loves to do. He has the freedom to hop in his vehicle and go wherever his heart takes him. His family are close by; he can see them whenever he chooses. There are things in our relationship Hayd finds difficult. At just 63 he has much to look forward to. With the 'right' partner, in good health, life could be good for him.

On the other hand, I rely on him to take me to appointments. I miss out on so much rather than ask him to give up his time. I miss my family and my friends. I love my cyber friends who fill a HUGE void however, I miss personal contact. I feel the need to find my passion! I am no longer interested in 'housekeeping' and the fatigue prevents me from participating in many activities.

It is interesting to note that Haydn does not share the same point view. I am grateful to him for his honesty and have explained that this is like a game of 'hot potato.' The 'hot potato' is in my hands and it is now up to me to decide what to do with it. My feelings are that this is something I need to 'hang onto' until the New Year, providing I don't get burnt.

At the end of the day it takes two very special people to survive all that we have experienced in our lives. Simply put, maybe we are not the people we thought we were.

I think I will have a look at the movie EAT PRAY LOVE. There may be something there for me.

Oprah Down Under

2010-12-08T21:53:00.003+11:00

'Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.' - Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Down Under: Oprah meets with fans after her arrival at Hamilton Island on the Whitsundays.

Oprah touched down on Australian soil today just after 12.30pm (AEST.) The talk show queen was kept well away from onlookers. Details have been kept secret, with all audience participants asked to sign Confidentiality Agreements. It is rather 'quaint!'

The visit has come at the cost of approximately five million dollars to the Australian taxpayers. It has been handled by Tourism Australia however, it is impossible to determine the benefits to our small, sometimes unknown, nation. It is hoped it will help to keep the wolf from the door with the Global Financial Crisis.

Shaking off any jet lag, the guests, all prize-winners, will feature in the audience during two shows to be taped in Sydney; renamed Oprahville for the occasion. Are we O-verdoing it with the Sydney Opera House to be re-named Oprah House while the Harbour Bridge is to display a big O in her honour?

After settling into Sydney's Intercontinental Hotel the excitable tourists were expected to be split into small groups to be sent on short stays across the country.

Sources of Winfrey's production company Harpo have confirmed that she will make her only official public appearance in Melbourne on Friday.

Help from the Australian Taxpayer

2010-12-07T14:57:00.003+11:00

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

Is there such a thing as 'something' for 'nothing?' My answer to that would have to be 'yes,' and 'no.' Maybe I am a little confused! I have always said that 'nothing' is 'free' and yet it seems I receive 'plenty' just doing what I love. Writing my Blog gives me such pure joy that I am in touch with these feelings knowing that my Followers are growing in number. In the process I am left with Comments that gladden my heart, providing love, wisdom and so much more. I continue to meet the most amazing people to whom I am very grateful.

I am also grateful to my doctor and my dentist. My dentist advised me of an Australian Government programme providing dental treatment to patients living with chronic medical conditions, and complex care needs as verified by a General Medical Practitioner. I approached my doctor who duly ticked all the boxes and decided that I was indeed eligible for the programme providing AU$4,250 over two years. Although I am no longer a taxpayer, I have paid taxes all my working life. Maybe this is what Karma is all about?

Given that the condition of my teeth, and gums, are deteriorating as a result of medications taken to prolong my life it is imperative that I receive regular check-ups. It was at my scheduled appointment yesterday that I discovered there was a glitch in the system and my application had not been processed. On learning this Dr Amna Khan, my dentist, advised me there would be NO CHARGE for yesterday's consultation. Not only is she a wonderful dentist she is a superb human being.

So, to the Australian Taxpayers, my doctor, my dentist and Blog Buddies I say 'THANK YOU.'

Thanks also to my wonderful Case Manager Trish. I was excited at the prospect of having a Scribe for 4 hours. She was due here this morning at 10.30am to do my Christmas Cards. I waited in anticipation, knowing there are friends with whom I have had no contact this past 12 months. A Christmas message lets them know I am still around. This is another funded service; maybe it's a case of 'good help is hard to find.' Apparently the Scribe claimed she could not find our place; rather than contact her employer for further instructions, she left the area.

I am left waiting...waiting....waiting.

From This..To?

2010-12-04T15:39:00.008+11:00

From this...

On 5th December, 2005 I entered St Vincent's Private Hospital, Darlinghurst, Sydney to have this 'monstrosity' removed. As is the case with many things in my life, my tumour, growing on the outside, was considered to be just a 'little unusual.' I felt very blessed to have been referred to Dr Paul Crea who made suitable arrangements to act expeditiously; the tumour was growing very quickly. It went from a pimple sized spot to a growth measuring over 6cm in only weeks. It seemed to be receiving a daily dose of some sort of 'growth hormone.'

To this...

Given the 'monstrosity' Dr Crea was working with, it came as a huge surprise to find the end result was a nice, neat incision line, which would go on to heal nicely. There is no doubt, it is the work of a 'master craftsman!'

'There is a light in this world, a healing spirit
more powerful than any darkness we may encounter.
We sometime lose sight of this force
when there is suffering, and too much pain.
Then suddenly,
the spirit will emerge
through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call
and answer in extraordinary ways.

Mother Teresa

I awoke in recovery at approximately 5pm, after nearly 4 hours of surgery. Dr Crea explained that there was an unusually high number of blood vessels to be tied off. We are fortunate to have insurance to cover the costs associated with a stay in a private hospital. What that insurance does not guarantee however, is an appropriate rooming companion. All I remember of that first night in a shared room was a constant stream of doctors, nurses and a very vocal patient; my 'companiopn,' having undergone major back surgery, was in in pain! It was 'painfully' obvious that alternative arrangements should have been made for one of us! Somehow, we both survived that first long, painful night.

Night two I did my usual 'early to bed' in anticipation of sleeping soundly. It was not to be! At 9pm my inconsiderate companion decided it was time to make her very personal phone calls. The clock ticked slowly and the phone calls seemed to go on... and on... and on. The following morning I suggested to her that the arrangements were not working for me and it was my intention to approach the nursing staff in order to ask about relocating. My room mate was appalled and suggested I do nothing; she would make every effort to be mindful of her actions in future.

My five day stay in hospital went well from then on. It surprised me to find the food was good. I was able to 'slip' (not literally) downstairs to have my hair shampooed and dried. The coffee shop allowed me to 'grab' a coffee to be enjoyed in the sunshine. Life was good - the future looked bright!

Breast Cancer and the Lotus Blooms

2010-12-02T21:40:00.002+11:00

Today is Vanessa's birthday.

May your birthday be filled with yesterday's memories, today's joys and tomorrow's dreams Ness.

Last year I purchased this Angel Wings Lotus plant on Jeremy's birthday. It was not doing well in a pot on the Al Fresco area; I suggested to Haydn that we put it in the dam. The spot was chosen because it was easily accessible. We then found that it had completely disappeared and we were unable to find even the pot. That was until Spring arrived and the lotus gave birth to new leaves once again! We waited patiently for the lotus to bloom for Jeremy's birthday on 16th November and then again for his Angel Date 21st. We wondered why it was taking its time. What better time than today to celebrate Ness' Birthday. Unfortunately 50ml of rain over the past 24 hours meant taking this picture from afar. I was concerned enough for my own safety that I retreated, camera in hand, when I began to slip and slide down the bank towards the dam.

I first met Ness when I arrived in Bairnsdale in November 2006 to organise Jeremy's Celebration of Life Service. It was there I met this most delightful young woman. Jezz had been telling me about her for weeks. Vanessa's Mum told me that her daughter had been given a new lease on life thanks to my son. Jezz was always capable of giving 'new life' to everything he touched.

It broke my heart to later learn that Ness had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I often reflect on the accident, and the diagnosis, and wonder about the correlation between the two. As a 33 year old Ness endured surgery, chemotherapy and radiation followed by reconstruction in August this year.

Although the details may not be 'perfect,' there are a couple of things that stand out for both of us. The first was the Sentinel Node Biopsy which led the surgeon to nodes deep within the chest wall that were cancerous. Her surgeon even suggested she had angels on her side; she just smiled. Apparently the circumstances were most unusual. A first for him! He said had it not shown up like that he would never have known to remove those nodes and who knows what the outcome may have been. Because of the extent of the surgery Ness was in extreme pain and then had a serious reaction to the morphine being administered.

I later received a message from her taken while undergoing radiation. She said 'Can you believe it? The roof is covered with butterflies. He's always around when I need him.' Maybe it helps that Vanessa means butterfly!

Vanessa is now engaged to be married and has put her treatment, and her disease, behind her. Ness, you will always hold a special place in my heart sweetie; Jezz and I wish you the very best for your future happiness.

A Reflective Moment

2010-11-30T22:58:00.001+11:00

'Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend' – Melody Beattie

This morning I was rushing to check my Inbox feeling certain that Haydn's patience would soon run out; we were due to leave home about 7.30am. On opening a message from a very sweet friend in the USA I was surprised to learn that she had chosen this day to check the latest entry from my friend 'Starry' at Easy Giving 101. Being her first visit to the site, was it a coincidence that my name had been mentioned in the Post? My American friend appears to have read into the lines that I am going to die sooner rather than later. She naturally showed heartfelt concern. Of course I felt my heart begin to pound, wondering if Starry had had one of her 'insights.' I could not contain myself, or my pulse rate, as I hastened to get over to Easy Giving 101. Starry's Post is on the subject of acceptance and I certainly hope you will take the time to read her carefully chosen, articulate thoughts on her ability to accept MY JOURNEY. There is also a little on Starry's thoughts in a previous Post The Week That Was.

As it is now past my bedtime, I will leave you with some 'homework' should you choose to read Starry's Post. I believe this is a very important subject and I look forward to further discourse.

Take the time to enjoy the season and feel the joy in each new experience.

Shh! Don't Talk

2010-11-28T22:06:00.023+11:00

‘Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him when he falleth; for he has not another to help him up.’ – Bible: Ecclesiastes
Yesterday I suggested to Haydn that I would be looking to make plans to move next year. As you know, I struggle with the isolation and loss of independance. My cancer has robbed me of that! As only Hayd could, he said 'Where would you go? Who would look after you, nobody wants you?' Good one Hayd! Fighting back tears, I said little except that the decision would be mine. And mine alone! I live with the belief that 'things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out.'

The past couple of days have been particularly difficult. There have been many tears shed, and much swearing, particularly when I found myself unable to throw the sheets over the line. I now have limited range of movement in my right arm and shoulder. My pain meds have been reduced in the hope that the chronic fatigue will miraculously disappear however, I am adjusting to increased sensations in the inflamed nerve endings.

I have taken the following lines from Paul who opened my eyes with his posting of Desiderata....
'But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.'
It seems, at times, the fatigue and loneliness is 'playing with my mind.'

This afternoon Haydn arrived home with his 'Shh! Don't say a thing! Just listen to what I have to say.' He proceeded to tell me that he thinks it would be a good idea to buy a caravan. Last year we purchased a new Mitsubishi Pajero 4WD with that in mind. I think it was my decision that it was all too hard; my pain had returned with a vengeance and I was not in a good place. The thought of being organised enough to pack and unpack a van seemed like hard work. As the owner of industrial sheds in Newcastle, there is always work to be done; Haydn likes to be busy. We would be able to take the van down and stay for a few days, allowing Haydn to work on the sheds and me to receive much needed therapy for my lymphoedema etc. Of course, there would also be the opportunity for socialising. Haydn feels we could take the van across to the coast and spend time. I am a little uncertain as Hayd is a 'worker' and finds it very difficult to relax. He does not enjoy being a 'tourist' so it would mean changes. The big PLUS for me is that we would be able to visit my children. God willing. Yeah!

The Week That Was....

2010-11-23T21:53:00.002+11:00

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”....Kahlil Gibran

Having felt that I successfully survived 'Spirit Child' Jeremy's Birthday on the 16th, followed by his Angel Date on 21st, I was totally unprepared to find everything come crashing down around me.

So what happened?

Maybe it had something to do with an email from my very special friend Starry. I think, from memory, that I was the first person to leave a comment on her new blog when she commenced blogging all those years ago over at Bigpond. It quickly became apparent that we shared something very special. The words of her email have touched me deeply; there is no better place to share, and invite your welcome comments.

.....'I've just been really absorbing all your blog posts I've missed even the ones in between times I've commented. You have been sharing so prolifically I wanted to give you my full attention. Your life shouldn't be something I just squeeze into a spare few minutes here and there, after all I find you a completely fascinating and inspirational person.

I think I might also have been delaying reading as I sensed you might be trying to tell me you are going to move on soon and that I might have to acknowledge that to you... though I don't want to assume too much since as you say you are still alive, and you might not be quite ready to go yet. So how do I tell you what I think or feel? You have to know that I simply accept you. I totally respect you. I'd love it if you stayed forever, but I will never ask you to suffer more. I accept your journey and I accept the journey of our friendship and this acceptance is one of the most enriching experiences of my life. Jezz will tell you, I'm scrappy, I'm a fighter, but I'm learning from you how to be that and still have grace and dignity, you're a great role model for me Chez.'

Knowing that January is close, and I am fascinated by family members that have been born in the month of their passing into Eternal Life, it has always seemed natural to believe that would be the case with myself. Well! I thought that I was ready. But maybe not....

I believe that we are given situations in life that allow our own spirits to grow. The more our souls gain from our life's experiences, the closer we become to God. My choice is to become more 'God like'

The messages that I am receiving are slightly ambiguous. Yes! It would be easy to 'give in' to my illness. It seems I have been 'doing battle' to stay alive for so long however, I am not yet ready for it to end. I do believe that my life's purpose has not yet been achieved. So..thank you sweet Starry for the carefully chosen, and thoughtful content, of your email. I am planning on staying around, God willing, no matter how great the hardship.

Last night I watched as Altiyan Childs took out the finals of X Factor Australia. His version of 'Somewhere in the World' speaks volumes to me as I negotiate this journey of life. It has been tears, tears and more healing tears for me today.

'Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.'

Kahlil Gibran

To the Point!

2010-11-17T22:41:00.007+11:00

Thank you for your comments which mean so much to me. Recently I have dropped behind with my replies and, God willing, I will manage to get caught up. Please don't hold your breath, just in case! I can promise I will do my best.

The popular conception of therapy usually goes something along the lines of client, couch and therapist, coupled with a notepad and talk. Yesterday went well! Jeremy's birthday passed smoothly! Many candles were lit on his Memory-of site and I received countless personal messages, giving me a sense of being personally blessed. This led me to Google 'Group Therapy.' According to Georgetown University Counseling and Psychiatric services, Group Therapy is a powerful venue for growth and change.The isolation of farm life, along with a degree of disability, gives me more time to think than I would like. Definitely, time to grow and time to change! Therefore, being part of a group allows me to connect with others in a similar situation. Although the circumstances of my breast cancer recurrence appear to be somewhat unique, the blogging community provides a safe forum, along with emotional support, in my daily battle. Social Networking also gives me access to a large diverse group of individuals offering warmth and providing support. This is the perfect forum to say a huge 'Thank You.'

Dr Sales yesterday checked both the rash on my eyelid and the mark on my jaw line. Thankfully, neither is cause for concern. The rash is a scratch that has become slightly infected while the spot is a skin cancer but...NOT A MELANOMA! I have always used Curaderm for Basal Cell Carcinoma treatment so will probably do the same with this one. He was however, concerned about my current level of fatigue, as well as the results from the Doppler ultrasound, which showed a complete obstruction of the subclavian and axillary veins indicating extensive post treatment changes within the soft tissue of the right axilla.

I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist on Friday. Dr Sales has suggested I may need further testing. I am normally reluctant to undergo testing unless the symptoms suggest there is some sort of activity. I feel testing is essential at this stage, in spite of my belief that testing increases risks.. The problem could be radiation damage, tumour growth or very extensive blood clotting. Whatever it is, it is a cause for concern.

The one thing I have noticed is that when I feel well in myself I worry less about outcomes. I let my body be the barometer of the soul. As I have been feeling 'out of sorts' as well as fatigued I am 'looking for trouble.' Not a good thing!

On a lighter note, today I had a manicure and pedicure done. Not being able to do my own has become a nightmare. The nails on my right hand often look like 'claws.' I have only just located Tracey, offering a mobile service. In spite of giving explicit instructions about care being taken with cuticles etc I have been left with red, inflamed toes. I think rather than 'pushing' the cuticles back, they were 'shoved.' As you can imagine, I have been applying Tea Tree Oil all afternoon in the hope of reducing the risk of infection. Drat! There has to be a better way!

‘We cannot tell the exact moment a friendship is formed; as in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one that makes the heart run over’. Author unknown

Oh No! Could it be Another Melanoma?

2010-11-15T21:53:00.000+11:00

The week has not started well with this wretched fatigue being an ongoing problem. My morning Tai Chi class, normally uplifting, was tiring for some reason so I found my way to the sofa as soon as I arrived home. This afternoon, after checking the garden and spreading some fertiliser in anticipation of the rain, the fatigue got the better of me and I curled up on the lounge. There was no sense of feeling refreshed when I surfaced. Not a good sign!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my regular General Practitioner, Doctor Milton Sales. The date is 16 November, which is also the birth date of my 'Spirit Child' Jeremy. The appointment will be slightly different to my 'normal' appointments which have come to be about prescriptions for medications and blood tests for INR levels. Being on Warfarin for the blood clot means regular testing as many have discovered.

I have not had results for the Doppler ultrasound on the blood clot so that will be a priority considering the sonographer did not appear able to find either veins or clots! I now have a rash that is beginning to spread across the eyelid of my left eye. Having a problem on the left side is certainly different! Until now, everything that does go wrong is on the right side of my body. Yesterday, with the sun shining through the en suite windows giving better light, I checked the rash on my eye. That done I looked at the area on my jaw bone to see if the rash had spread further; there was an itchy spot which was annoying me. I was amazed to find a spot that does resemble something like a melanoma. I self diagnosed my own in 1996 having spent many years in melanoma clinics with my late husband. His Death Certificate gives cause of death as melanoma. As you can imagine, I am a little shocked. Actually, that is an understatement!! You would know from my writing that I believe it is not what is given to us that is important, rather what we do with what is given to us that teaches.... I really feel like I could do with a break about now. Then again, it may not be as bad as I think.

There has not been a lot of proof reading for this post as I simply wished to put my thoughts on paper before going to bed for m,ore sleep.

'Time does not always HEAL: it just breathes and swallows memories like the seasons change – sending showers; beating flowers into the mud. And nothing is forever in this place. Nothing but the way my heart fits in your hands; the held breath of HOPE'…author unknown

Our Aussie Spring Garden

2010-11-13T22:13:00.000+11:00

Using the camera has become more difficult due to this 'dyslexic' right arm/hand. Taking these pictures led to tears of frustration when I found myself no longer able to use any of the fingers of the right hand. Lots of strengthening exercises and I later managed to snap a few. Hand is no longer steady. I am grateful for the technology that allows me to work even at the 'entry' level. The parrots love the front railing.

An Australian male King Parrot feeding the babe

Male Australian King Parrots are the only Australian Parrot with a completely red head. This is 'Percival' our 'regular' enjoying the sunflower seeds.

Allamanda Cherry Ripe which, when in full bloom is a spectacular climber suitable for pots and tubs

Grevillea Peaches and Cream

Grevillea Peaches and Cream close-up

Kangaroo Paw under the front stairs

Native Hibiscus

Swamp Hibiscus

Water Iris

Yellow Clivia

Cream Grevillea Banksii

Weigela, with its arching branches producing pink flowers is not native to Australia

A Chinese Lantern bought for $1 as a 'stick' when we visited Victoria for the butterfly release

Another Variegated Chinese Lantern which absolutely thrives in our garden

A weeping form of Callistemon (Bottle Brush)

Our view

Who Am I?

2010-11-11T22:18:00.000+11:00

If I am not my Breast Cancer and I am not my Grief then 'Who am I?'

Why is is that I am feeling that I have little in my life other than my cancer and my grief. Having mentioned the word 'coincidence' several times lately I have come to realise there is a 'pattern' to my life of late. It is not just a coincidence that I am in this place. It probably began at the time of my marriage to Haydn. In 1996 we returned from our honeymoon. On the way home I began to question myself, asking if I had made a mistake? Haydn and I were 'soul mates' during our courtship. Or so it seemed! Haydn's daughter Claire now says I was 'duped.' The person that courted me was not the father she knew or the man I married. Anyway, that aside, I suspect I suffered from depression in the early days and was very grateful that I found the strength to leave. I felt I had reclaimed my life.

My Breast Cancer diagnosis in March 2003 had little effect on my day to day activities and it was enough for Haydn and I to resume our life together. I had a melanoma removed in 1996 and considered myself blessed to have been referred to a surgeon that believed anything resembling a melanoma should be removed fully rather than biopsied. The world was my oyster. I was never going to see my son an orphan. I felt well and optimistic.

At the time of Jeremy's accident in November 2006 Claire was preparing to depart for New York. Haydn sold the family home as it was our intention to retire in June 2007 and move to a new home at the farm. It was to be a 'new beginning' for us. Haydn's business partner put a stop to the Company trading account that June, being the end of our Financial Year. We ended up preparing for a court battle, as well as living in a site shed at the factory for as long as it took to wind things up. That turned out to be 18 months. I suspect the 'rot' began to sink in about that time. Friends that I had known for years appeared not to be able to handle my loss. I began to withdraw and preferred to be alone at the shopping centres where I could simply drink coffee and watch the world go by. There were less tears that way!

I realise that life with Haydn can be difficult due to his antisocial behaviour. He can be intolerant! He has more than enough good points to compensate. That was not a problem when I was well and we lived in town. I simply lived my own life allowing him to do the same. I loved my role in the Charismatic Renewal as well as my study to become a team member at the Newcastle Healing Rooms. It pleased me to have the opportunity to undertake the preparation to be a Prayer Counsellor. As long as I had a vehicle and a telephone I felt free! And then, of course, I was preparing to become a Funeral Celebrant.

'Is freedom a state of mind?' I am confused! I am lost! Today, I received a note from Brenda which touched me so deeply that I sat began to sob.

'If only I could understand the reason for my crying. If only I could stop this fear of dreaming that I'm dying' - Laura Palmer

Several times I have skirted around the situation with life as it is today. Yesterday I commented to Haydn that I do not like the person I have become. I even admitted to feeling resentment towards him, meaning that I see him living his dream while I feel 'trapped.' When he told me that his late wife Leigh had said the same thing warning bells rang in my ears.

For more than 2 years I have lived with the pain and uncertainty of life. That is doable! Today I realised that the love in my heart has been replaced by fear. Living with the uncertainty of my condition is bearable. I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready to die. This has come as a complete shock. I had believed that the date was written in the Book of Life. My role in life no more than simply 'being.' It may be nothing more than to be of service to others that will give me a feeling of contentment:

'Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy'....Lao Tzu

Since beginning this blog I have used my writing as a tool to keep me strong. And positive! Although it may seem that all is well in my little world, in reality I am afraid. I have recently used ideas from Brenda's Blog to resurrect tools acquired over many years to reclaim my life in the belief that I will return to a healthy state of mind allowing the fear in my heart to be replaced with love once more. For those interested in what Brenda had to say, the words that allowed the flood gates to open -

'Cheryl My Darling, You haven't given up on any front!! You've had so much loss to deal with plus your own cancer. I think you've done an exceptional job at surviving mentally, physically and emotionally. Yes, there are aspects of your life you wish were different, but you're taking back your power and making changes that will benefit you and Haydn. I'm so proud of you for putting more of an emphasis on yourself. The hypnosis tapes, meditating, prayer, will all help you get centered so you can move forward and make better decisions from a place of calm. Bravo! You don't have to fix everything, today, but embrace those small changes and tweak them in for the maximum benefit. I'm proud of you! You've got grit, girl! XOXOXO, Brenda'

Time to 'Do it Your Way' Jezz

2010-11-09T23:14:00.008+11:00

Although there was much to be done, the arrangements were being left to my inestimable family. Damian (always the 'rock' of the family) and Tyneal had the experience. Megan, in charge of music, was determined to make it a celebration to be remembered, just as Jezz would have wanted. When she suggested the venue should accommodate between 200 to 300 people, I questioned her. After all, Jeremy had only returned to live in Victoria more than 12 months after my Breast Ca diagnosis in 2003. Megs said 'Ma, have you forgotten what it is like to have Jezz around?' Even writing this entry brings with it a feeling of contentment; being with Jezz allowed me to be the person I most wanted to be. I began to wonder what it was like for others mourning their loss. His appeal had nothing to do with the way he looked, or the clothes he wore. It was simply his presence and, of course, the smile.

Damian approached Tobin Bros, appealing to them to allow him to collect Jeremy's body from Bairnsdale. He received an emphatic 'NO!' Definitely not! They did agree to allow management to make the decision and, given Damian's work record, as well as the circumstances, it was decided that both Damian and Tyneal would make the journey. I think I actually said somewhere that Tyneal was already undergoing training at the Victorian Police Academy. That is not right as they made the journey together. Thankfully, only a couple of years before, Damian had earned the nomination of 'Employee of the Year' and had won the award. He was held in high regard. Knowing that the accident that took his brother's life had been horrific, he was concerned about what it would be like for him to view his 'bro.' It was a big ask! He need not have worried. Haydn and I drove Damian's car, while he and Tyneal collected the work van. We set off on a journey to Bairnsdale; a journey that no family member should have to make.

Somehow the pain of writing this is overcome by the joy of knowing that Jezz was in good hands. Damian took with him Jeremy's Snoop Dogg CD's. I can imagine Jeremy's amusement as it would not be DJ's choice of music. What a ride the return journey to Melbourne would be. Damian had chosen a close personal friend at Tobin Bros to prepare the body for viewing; he wanted that for his brother.

Before we arrived in Bairnsdale I made a call to Brad Bennett, devoted Father to my granddaughter Ella. Although Megan and Brad are no longer together I asked Brad if he would consider singing at the service. I had always let Brad know that I would like him to sing at my own funeral. I would not have believed it possible; here I was asking the same for my son. Brad's choice was 'Time of Your Life' by Green Day. Perfect!

Somehow, it was essential to ensure the message going to the young people at the service was about LOVE and HOPE.
Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received - only what you have given; a full heart enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice and courage... St Francis of Assisi
Although I am a devoted Catholic I chose the Riviera Christian Centre as the venue. I wanted, as much as possible to keep this 'A Family Affair' therefore Tyneal's Dad, Mark, A Civil Celebrant, would perform the service. As a member of the Charismatic Renewal, I knew it would be possible for me to arrange with Father Tony Brady to lay Jeremy's body to rest in the Catholic tradition. God willing, that would be done on our arrival back in Newcastle. It would not be the first time we had chosen to 'think outside the square' for Jezz.

Megan's choice for the music for the Audio Visual display was 'Forever Young' by Youth Group while Claire agreed to sing 'You Are the Sunshine of my Life,' secure in the knowledge that Jeremy was all of that, and more to me.

My amazing family ensured that we did indeed celebrate Jeremy's life. On 28 November 2006 we managed to do just that, knowing that we had a lifetime to mourn our loss. As I complete this post I want nothing more than to express my love and gratitude to Damian/Tyneal and Megan for undertaking the arrangements. Although four years have now passed I know the value in voicing love and appreciation as we never know what each new day brings. 'We know not the time or the place.' With breaking hearts they made the arrangements that allowed me the freedom to listen to the messages that came into my head as Jeremy entered the final stage of his journey into Eternal Life. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been.

Was it another coincidence that we were able to use family and friends for many parts of the service? In spite of the pain of our loss we knew Jezz better than anybody else thus allowing us, in many ways, to stamp 'his' name on the service.

I remember a woman walking up to me with, what turned out to be her daughter. She explained that she did not know my son but she wanted to thank him, through me, for giving her daughter back her life. It seems to me that there is something special about the young who are destined for a better place. They leave this earth having made a difference.

Have you ever had a son who meant the world to you?

One you loved so very much, and miss him like I do.

Have you ever felt the heartache, or even nursed the pain?

Have you ever shed the tears that drop like falling rain?

If you've never had those feelings, then pray you never do

For on the day that Jezza left me, a part of me went too

Love you Sunshine. Miss you with every heartbeat..

A Family 'Affair'

2010-11-06T22:35:00.002+11:00

A continuation of 'Was it a Coincidence?'

On the night of 21 November 2006 at approximately 10.25pm I replaced the telephone handset. Death hung heavily in the air of the room in which I sat. My life had been forever changed; I had absolutely no idea of just how much. How could I say goodbye to 'the love of my life?' Jezz was my reason for living after the death of his Dad; he had been my focus. At the time of my cancer diagnosis in March 2003 I knew I would survive. Quite simply, I had no intention of leaving my youngest son an orphan. Was it a coincidence that he was almost 12 when he said goodbye to his Dad and 12 years later I was saying goodbye to him? I sat. I talked. I wanted nothing more than to talk about 'my child.'

Haydn held me and let me talk. Claire sat with us for awhile. She sensed there was nothing to be said or done, so she retreated to her room. I suspect she got very little sleep that night knowing exactly how much of my identity was tied up with that of my child. Claire and Jeremy had a relationship built on trust. She stood up to her Father when she felt the need to 'protect' Jeremy from Haydn. It was interesting to watch! Just as Haydn THOUGHT Claire could do no wrong, I KNEW Jeremy was always right! That's my truth and I'm sticking to it!

Haydn donned work clothes knowing full well that as Managing Director there was preparation to be done for our absence. It was 3am when he left the house. The sun rose soon after although it brought with it no joy. Time to book seats on a flight to Melbourne. Most of my personal things were at the farm. It would mean a trip to the farm before heading to Williamtown to catch the flight. I sat in silence for some time. The call to the airline left me feeling completely 'ripped off.' Good old Qantas, the Spirit of Australia! I was charged an arm and a leg for a booking based on compassionate grounds. Maybe money was not the real issue! The fact of the matter was the reason for making the trip.

Damian had asked me to find about 30 pictures of Jeremy for a video display. It was a mad rush to get to the farm, followed by the airport in time for the flight. I remember so vividly our arrival. We let the travelator take us up to where Damian and Jascha waited. I fell into Damian's arms asking 'How did this happen?' He simply said 'Mum, he's just a naughty boy!'

That nigh I had my first real experience of words coming into my head. Words that had meaning but did not appear to be of my doing. I definitely was in shock, not myself. As Haydn and I entered the kitchen the following morning I asked if Damian or Tyneal could help. I had been given the words 'You are so Beautiful.' Damian laughingly asked where I had been hiding during the 60's and 70's as I was giving him the words of a song sung by Joe Cocker. Bingo! I explained that Jeremy wanted that song to be played for me. A real turn around! I was unsure! Should I do it? Damian put Megan in charge of music and she had a copy of the CD. After listening to it she gave her approval and claimed it was perfect!

Is it possible to have the pain of the worst time of your life eased by the love and experience of family? My beautiful Number 1 son, together with his future bride Tyneal took over the arrangements for the funeral service. Jeremy was still at the morgue at the hospital in Bairnsdale. We were together in Melbourne; a distance of 350 kilometres. Was it yet another coincidence that Damian was employed by Tobin Bros as a Funeral Director's Assistant and I was preparing to become a Funeral Celebrant?

This was our first day in Melbourne. Damian had asked Tobin Bros if they would be prepared to undertake the service. That would mean several trips between Bairnsdale and Melbourne and yet it seemed 'just right.'.

So! We had one song from Jeremy to me. I had the following verse in readiness for the days that I would become a Funeral Celebrant, and was prepared to read it myself. I had never thought it would be at my own son's funeral and yet it was 'perfect:'

A Child Loaned

‘I’ll lend you for a little time a child of Mine,’ he said,

‘For you to love the while he lives, and mourn for when he’s dead.

He may be six or seven weeks, or 24 years, or three,

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me?

He’ll bring his charm to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,

You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,

And from the throngs who crowd life’s lanes I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labour’s vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call and take him back again?’

I fancied that I heard them say, ‘Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

For all the joys Thy child shall bring the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness; we’ll love him while we may

And for the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay.

But, should the angels call for him much sooner than we planned

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

We knew that there was much work to be done in readiness and yet, as a family we had the belief that with God's Grace, all things are possible.

Was it a Coincidence?

2010-11-04T22:42:00.002+11:00

If you read my blog frequently you will know that it is an eclectic reflection of my life. What is it that others may observe as 'thriving' in the face of adversity? My so called 'interesting' life is 'normal' to me. I know nothing else! Who am I to draw comparisons? I endeavour to learn, and inspire, from each new challenge and experience. If there is any truth in the thought that we are here to learn lessons, then I am going to learn quickly.

Was it a coincidence that I watched an episode of Packed to the Rafters on Tuesday night? I was left with are tears streaming down my cheeks. Mel's death in a motor vehicle accident was just to close to home; so many memories. Just as I am affected by the passing of anyone as a result of breast cancer, so to the emotion raw and unchecked as I sat watching the programme and Mel's death in a trafic accident.

I am taken back in time to the morning of Tuesday 21 November, 2006. Was it a coincidence that I received a text message from Jeremy? I read the message and surprised him by calling, rather than texting a response. As usual, he was overjoyed to hear from me and did not try to conceal his pleasure. We chatted about the previous weekend; he had apparently had a fabulous time. It pleased me to hear that life was good to him, and that he was getting on with it. He let me know that he had decided to take more interest in his personal appearance, making an appointment to have his hair cut and coloured on the Thursday night. My thoughts were that there must be some truth in a comment made by a radio broadcaster... young men began to mature around the age of 24. He had turned 24 just 5 days previously. I remember thinking to myself 'He is safe now.' We laughed together and, when his boss Nudge arrived to take him to his job as a plasterer, we finished our conversation. My final words on that morning, 'Love you Sunshine.' Little did I know these would be the last words between us. On reflection, or was it a 'coincidence' that Claire chose to comment that few things stirred feelings of envy in her, but our relationship was definitely up there. I don't remember to many times that Jeremy and I were together, or chatting on the phone, that there wasn't joy and laughter. Others sensed the shared energy; his mates loved 'hanging out' at our place.

Was it a coincidence that I went to bed at 7.45pm on that night but had difficulty sleeping? Normally, I would sit with Claire watching our favourite television programmes. I was unsettled, continually telling myself to 'go to sleep' with no effect. It seemed odd that I was still wide awake, therefore not surprised when the phone rang at approximately 10.10pm. It seemed to confirm my worst fears. There had to be a problem! It was my beloved eldest son Damian who, on this occasion, was the bearer of heartbreaking news. Damian, and Tyneal, live in Melbourne; a three hour drive from Bairnsdale. It still amazes me that it was Damian who received a phone call advising him of the tragic accident that took the life of his younger brother Jeremy.

I learned that Damian (who is employed in the funeral industry) and Tyneal (a then student at the Victorian Police Academy) on receiving the news, had made the necessary phone calls to the Bairnsdale police. It was confirmed that Jeremy was deceased. In the meantime, Megan had also learned of the accident and she rang me as Jason drove her to the scene of the accident. My understanding is that she was hysterical, and vomiting, unable to function. When she arrived and found the rescue workers cutting her gorgeous, 6ft 6in brother from the wreckage, she was inconsolable knowing that her bro was in that car. It was too much for her and the police asked Jason to take her to the morgue at the Bairnsdale hospital to wait. It was the very place at which I had given birth to Jeremy 24 years previously.

I believe Megan regrets that she did not have the opportunity to hold Jeremy in her arms one last time. She was allowed only to view him from behind glass at the hospital, although she was the one to formally identify the body. If only I had known; I would have begged her to come to Melbourne to view his body. I believe it would have helped enormously with the grieving process. Was it a coincidence that Jeremy died with a smile on his face? In spite of the horrific nature of the accident that took his life he was smiling. Was it Michael's jokes, or was it because Jesus laid His hand on him and gently whispered 'Come with me?'

Jeremy was not alone as he took his last breath. Was it a coincidence that Jeremy was comforted by a complete stranger named Michael, telling him jokes as he held him in his arms? Jeremy received the sacrament of the Holy Spirit in Confirmation the year his Father died. Was it a coincidence he chose to take Archangel Michael as his Patron Saint? He wanted a powerful guardian angel! As onlookers stood around watching on that night, Michael made the decision to be there for Jeremy. He stepped up to the task knowing only to well the heartache of losing a child. He had held his own baby in his arms as he lay dying. I asked Michael later why he thought jokes were what was needed at that time. Michael simply said he felt he had been led. I will be forever grateful to Michael; I believe he truly was like a 'Guardian Angel' to Jezz.

Although there are some things that are blurred about that time, I am going to try to put some of the pieces together in the next post. I now believe it is possible to receive messages from our deceased loved ones.

All God's angels come to us disguised.
-James Russell Lowell

Trying Times!

2010-10-31T22:22:00.003+11:00

A cancer diagnosis can change the dynamics of a family. Without doubt, it changes the way we interact. It seems to me, as we journey through life, and through no fault of our own, we sometimes find ourselves right where we do not wish to be. I am thinking of myself, and many of my friends, as I say this.

There is a sadness in my heart as I write this post tonight, however I need to go back in time to set the scene. At the time of Jeremy's accident I was fortunate to learn about the potential of memorial websites. As I could find nothing in Australia, I set up a Memory-of site which I think originated in the USA. While reading personal stories on other sites, I observed the amazing graphics that set these sites apart. I wanted that for my child and yet I had no idea how to go about achieving it.. I wrote and asked a family how they managed to have the precious photos of their loved ones converted into keepsakes for life. I was then told about Angel Families Online. I immediately joined and found myself surrounded by the most amazing, caring, individuals going out of their way to ease the pain of the grief journey. As a way of finding an outlet for their grief, Angel Family members 'connect' with those of us struggling to come to terms with our loss, while at the same time lighting candles to help ease the pain and keep their Eternal Flame burning.

Little did I know at the time that I would also find the love, strength and support essential to me in my battle to beat this disease (cancer) and find quality in my daily life. If you imagine (for just a moment) our move to the farm, at the time of our retirement, and my cancer recurrence shortly after. It is all thanks to my online friends that I have not hit 'rock bottom' spiralling downwards into depression. It is my little band of friends, reading my blog, phone calls occasionally, lighting candles for Jeremy and leaving messages on FaceBook that bring joy to my days. With my disability, and unable to drive distance, I feel 'sort of' trapped at the farm. This is certainly a time to say 'thank you' for all that you do to get me through the days. I have formed such beautiful friendships in the blogging community also that I am quite excited at the prospect of using Nuance's Dragon Naturally Speaking software that will allow me to 'talk not type' for my entries. Once again, it is thanks to my blogging friends Alli and Spun Chops that I have become aware of this software.

So, today it was a call from my very special Angel Family friend Kaz, with an update on yet another, recently diagnosed with lung cancer, that got me thinking about the effect of illness, and in particular cancer, on family members. In this case the patient is struggling to come to terms with the fact that she is estranged from her daughter at a time that she really wants to be able to enjoy, and share, the love that has always been there. I understand this situation as I found last year, while undergoing radiotherapy, it took enormous courage for my daughter to call me and tell me that she simply was unable to cope with my illness, and treatment, at that time. I appreciated her honesty, and, as difficult as it was for both of us, I understood her need to suspend contact for as long as it took. I knew that it was nothing to do with love, or lack of, it was simply more than she could cope with at the time.

Megan lived on a farm with Ned and Bert after we moved from Lakes Entrance to Newcastle. Ray had wanted to make the move to be closer to his elderly mother as his illness progressed. This allowed Megan to keep her horses and not pay agistment. Today I was taken back in time to Ray's visit to Megan at the farm just prior to his passing. He asked Bert to take care of 'his little girl.' Megan was 18 when her beloved father died. Bert was there for her when her own Dad could not be. She later had to deal with finding Bert face down after a massive heart attack. She put everything she could into CPR, doing her utmost to revive him and keep him alive until the ambulance arrived. Unfortunately, Bert did not make it. She was then instrumental in organising his funeral. She was also very close to Jeremy. Each Christmas he would do the 15 hour coach trip, on his own, to Lakes Entrance, where he would spend the Christmas holidays with Megan and the children. He also lived there for some time when he returned to live in Victoria after my breast cancer diagnosis. Quite simply, Megan has been too close to death for too many years. I understand how difficult it is for for her to deal with my illness. She is currently undergoing a 12 month treatment programme herself, and, for the first time in my life, I feel completely useless as a Mother. When I so desperately want to be there for her and the children, I am simply unable to take care of myself, let alone my family. My beautiful daughter understands this. She recently posted on my FaceBook wall:
......'I love you ma xox and i miss you terribly I wish we lived closer and you were in my life every day, i would chop all your vegies and feed you like a queen and be your other arm.. my kids would be everything else and I have an 8 seater wagon which means i could drive you everywhere x0x I LOVE YOU'

Tonight I give thanks for my life, knowing that I may use the gifts that you bring to our friendship enabling me to grow to be the person I would most like to become. I am grateful for the many blessings that come with your friendship. Love and gratitude dear family and friends. You are teaching me well.

Our First 'Pensioner' Day Out

2010-10-29T23:22:00.000+11:00

Just have to do a 'quick' post tonight while I am still feeling uplifted. Each night Haydn goes to bed at approximately 8.30pm while I sit in the living room, catching up with my favourite television characters and communicating with my treasured cyber friends. Thank goodness for computers, and, in particular notebooks, as mine goes where I go. Incidentally, that has not been too many places recently, however, I intend to change that. In anticipation I spoke to one of Claire's friends today; he has agreed to look out for a new PC for me. Watch out all you people hooked up to Skype!

Saturday and Sunday nights Haydn listens to Carter Edwards for the short while it takes him to fall asleep. He enjoys Carter because he sees him as a patriotic Australian which is a rarity in today's society. Carter is both a radio broadcaster and an entertainer. Haydn suggested we attend Carter's Show at the Hexham Bowling Club. We have not been out at night since moving to the farm. That is probably one of the things that has me believing life is passing me by. Today we paid our $10 entry fee and arrived for an 11am start.

Carter performed for the first hour with a guest spot from a bloke named Gordon ,who appeared from nowhere carrying a guitar and claiming he could sing. And. Sing he could! Although he performed only one number he had a very powerful voice and his 'easy' style was enjoyable.

We then went downstairs for our $7 lunch. Everything went smoothly; we both chose Chinese which was very tasty. At this stage we had spent $17 per head. Cheap!

As newcomers, we introduced ourselves to Carter's wife Debby who was sitting behind us. Debby ensured we met Carter. Carter was very personable and sat with us for a chat during the break. He spoke of the ruination of this fabulous country and the fact that our imports far exceed our exports. It is no longer a case of 'Home on the sheep's back.'

Lunch over, we were introduced to Drew Ashley. who currently entertains on the cruise ships. Drew commenced with the story that he believed he had been given the lead role in Man of La Mancha only to find he was understudy to our infamous Australian Anthony Warlow. Anthony apparently did not understand the word 'sickie,' hence Drew sat in the wings for the duration of the running of the show.

From the first note of Impossible Dream I was in love with his singing. He was, without a doubt, as good as any singer I have seen perform. I have a passion for Musical Theatre. Drew was brilliant! Tonight I sit with lyrics and melodies of Man of La Mancha and Phantom of the Opera flowing into my very being, bringing with it a sense of peace and healing. Debby shared with us that just prior to the concert Drew had been signed up by an American agent. Maybe today will be my one and only opportunity to enjoy him perform.

We also introduced ourselves to another couple and learned that the husband is currently undergoing treatment for prostate cancer. He was preparing his funeral plan while his wife Jan said it was more important to 'live.' Seize the day! They went out and bought motor bikes and, between treatments, travel all over the country. Just the way it should be! I mentioned to Haydn on the way home that was what life is about.

It really has been the most amazing day. And, at pensioner rates. It is now 11.21pm and I am feeling very tired. I really hope, when I look at this tomorrow, it makes sense.

May your days be blessed and your lives fulfilled.

Dead and Buried!!!

2010-10-28T16:47:00.000+11:00

The past week has seen changes in this household. Those reading my ramblings regularly understand that I often question my relationship with Haydn, even challenging why I am here. I began to notice changes in Haydn about a week ago. I simply became the observer. Sunday morning we were not at all interested in attending the 'Big Breakfast' in the local park, purely because the rain was falling heavily and it would have been impossible to stay dry. Although it was our desire to support the local ladies in their endeavour to raise funds for Breast Ca, we both agreed that breakfast at the Bolwarra Cafe had much more appeal. The old Haydn would have wanted to stay at home.

Yesterday I could no longer contain my curiosity. When I asked him what has changed he denied there has been any change. He stated emphatically that he is the same as he has always been. OK. I simply said I appreciated the changes and thanked him. Mmmm.

This morning I approached the subject again. It happened simply in response to an article in the current edition of the Women's Weekly. Kate Mahon travelled to the tiny Brazilian town of Abadiana, in search of healing. Kate had been told that medical science had no answers for her; she faced almost certain death from breast cancer which had metastasised in the brain. She hoped that by visiting John of God at his healing centre, known as Casa de Dom Inacio, she would be healed. I observed it was something I may be interested in. Haydn gave it no thought before replying that there was money in the bank account if I decided it was 'right' for me. That is one of the things that sets his aside from the rest. I have never expected anything from him and often wonder if that is why he gives so easily.

The conversation continued. Haydn stated that I was the one that reminded him I lived with the uncertainty of a malignancy for which there was little more than treatment to keep me alive for as long as it worked. Hello! Haydn, I am not dead yet! How do you explain to someone that just does 'not get it?' I want no more than for Haydn to show compassion and understanding, rather than to harden his heart. I told him that I enjoyed the 'softer' version allowing me to make more of my life. Thankfully, he responded by letting me know that it is OK to remind him when he reverts to his 'old' ways.

I think I have some understanding of how difficult this has been for Hayd. After all, his first wife was sick for many years and was ready for her life to end. Now he has to deal with my illness. As a result, I have offered, on numerous occasions, to walk away, giving him the freedom to rebuild a life with someone else. He normally responds with humour by saying something like 'Where would I get a one breasted, one armed woman that can do what you do?' or, 'I have already had two women in my life with significant health problems, why would I want to tempt fate again?'

I think we have had a break-through. Haydn has been so busy preparing for the time that I am not here, he has forgotten that, right now, I am very much alive. Maybe we have just peeled away another layer. Alleluia! I apologise for commencing the last two paragraphs with 'I think' however, each time I go to correct it Windows simply stops working. I give up!

Thank you for sharing my journey. My life has been enriched by the friendship found on these pages.

Wondering What to do Now

2010-10-25T23:30:00.010+11:00

I cannot help but wonder what is going on in this 62 year old body of mine. It will be four years next month since Jeremy's accident; Haydn did not expect me to see the first year out. Why would he say that? There is no doubt that he knew, better than most, the affect on me of the loss of my youngest child. The pain was simply 'different' because he was my youngest not 'better' or 'worse' than for any of my beloved children. Jeremy had not chosen a life partner, unlike Damian, Megan and Carla. He was 'my baby' just as Ray was to his Mum.

So, there is no doubt in my mind that stress was a contributing factor in my breast cancer recurrence, leading to metastatic infiltration of the right thoracic nerve outlet. Was my pain not great enough? I believed my Radiation Oncologist when he told me that the radiation would relieve the pain, and 'cure' the cancer, whatever that means. And it did! But only for one month. I have no idea why it was not longer. I did find the side affects from Arimidex unbearable and was relieved to be told to stop taking it. Within a few days the pain returned; I have written about that and that is not really what this post is about. Actually, I do not know what this post is about. It is simply my confused mind!

I had previously booked tickets on a flight to Melbourne, and then felt the need to cancel. Haydn and I were to visit my family. Both Damian and Megan live in Victoria and I see them far too infrequently. I was looking forward to spending time with them. When Dr Sales referred me for another Doppler, due to his concerns about the extent of the blood clot in my right arm and neck, I realised that I would be putting myself at risk. I was also trying to deal with the feelings of lethargy and general malaise which, according to About.com is a non-specific symptom associated with nearly all infectious, metabolic or systemic diseases. Depending on the disease, malaise can develop quickly or slowly. I have no idea if my problems are due to my cancer, or the medications that keep me relatively pain free and, more importantly, alive. Or, so I am led to believe!

I know that my problems are not helped by my restrictions with food preparation. I rely on Haydn to help me in the kitchen. And then there is the banana toffee loaf that Haydn's daughter Alex makes for me ,and the delicious sticky date cookies that we purchase at Coles when we do our weekly shopping.

So, on one hand, I am exercising, meditating and eating relatively healthy, albeit simple food while, on the other, I console myself with a piece of cake, or a cookie as I drink my herbal teas.

Another Day of Mourning

2010-10-23T21:55:00.036+11:00

Today, 23 October 2010 marks the fourth anniversary of the passing of my mother Valerie Ellen Townsend; it is also the month in which she was born. I wonder as I write this if others have connected dates as I do with births and deaths?

There is certainly a tinge of sadness as I reflect on my upbringing. What was it in Mum's life that allowed her to dwell on negativity as she overlooked the intrinsic goodness of life? Although family members had visited frequently for some months prior to her passing, and I had been there just the day before, it was not until later that I mentioned to my sister Toni I found it odd that Mother had not mentioned that she loved me and yet she managed to tell my ex-husband Haydn. By the same token, I realised that I had not declared my love for Mum. Quite frankly, I think I feared rejection. Toni then told me that her experience was the same, although Mum found it in her heart to tell Brian - Toni's husband. Interesting! I then asked my other three siblings to share their experience. I soon learned that at least Mum did not discriminate. She died without telling any of her children how she felt. Love me, love me not, love me, love me not...

I remember a discussion in which I virtually accused Mum of not wanting me. Her reply still echoes in my ears ' I did not want any of you!' Odd sentiments for the mother of five children! Did Mum feel like that always, or was it just that point in time? Does it really matter now? Although we were raised in what appeared, at times, to be a loveless household, I have just found a card from Mum. It was sent in early 2006 and I suspect Mum knew then that there was something happening within her body. She told me that she loved me. Alleluia! She said she loved all of us declaring that she had not been one to tell us. Were we supposed to read her mind and to know from everything she did? Being somewhat perceptive I felt she did things out of duty.

So why do I still live with, and 'hang out' with my ex-husband Haydn when I tell him, on occasions, that living with him is like living with my mother? Even he recognised that Mum carried out her responsibilities as a matter of duty. Or so it seemed. Maybe somewhere within me I see this as an opportunity to allow Haydn to see that there is another way.

I do know that there is not a single day that I do not think about my Spirit Child Jeremy, and the wonderful gift he has given me. Between he and his beloved Dad he taught me about unconditional love; something I will carry with me always. I recall my oncology social worker pointing out that she thought Jeremy had allowed me the freedom to be the person I most enjoyed being. I knew immediately that thought resonated with me. To be accepted and loved unconditionally is a true blessing.

So maybe in another post I will explore what love means to me. To finish this particular post I will simply say 'I love you Mum. I so wish I had been able to do it better.' The following is from:
Thought for Today.org.uk.

Like a Star

At the end of the day, on the wings of your thoughts, go beyond the cares and troubles of the world. Remove your mind from everywhere and everyone, and become blissfully detached, like a star.

Like a star, be free to radiate light, for your essence is light and peace. Enjoy the simplicity of the night sky, the peace. And then, when you want to, you can shoot down to earth.

Fellow Bloggers Making a Difference

2010-10-21T23:00:00.001+11:00

Today I managed to make it to the Oncology Support Group meeting at the Calvary Mater Hospital. We were let down by technology, thus it was left to the lovely Veronica Fenning (Social Worker) to come up with a contingency plan. This she did beautifully. Several things came together, giving me a sense of satisfaction and the hope that others may find pleasure in something that leaves me feeling happy and fulfilled.

I was delighted to see photocopies of blogging information on the table; Veronica encouraged participants to take a copy. This pleased me, as I had previously spoken informally on the subject and I had then sent an email to Veronica leading her to a starting place. I enjoyed speaking openly about a subject that has become an integral part of my cancer journey. There were several things on today's list and these were discussed openly. I think we agreed unanimously that we do best to avoid anyone, or anything, that takes away HOPE. In a discussion on exercise, most felt it was important but did not quite know where to start. I pointed out that it is ironic, the very thing that works for fatigue is exercise at a lower intensity, gradually increasing appropriately. Veronica asked me to expand on that and also where group members would go if they were seeking such information. Big smile on my face, I said 'Where else but fellow bloggers.' It was then I thought of previous posts in which I mentioned my lack of energy. Brenda from Breast Cancer Sisterhood and Julie @ Fitness for Survivors both took the time to email me with personal offers of information and assistance. There is no doubt that I am reminded daily of this wondrous world in which 'Sisterhood' reigns supreme. I am very grateful to you Brenda and Julie. Then, of course, there is Carole who sent me a lovely long email, including list of supplements, that were recommended to her. Where else do we find others so happy to share of themselves?

After the meeting I headed up to have a doppler done to check on the blood clot in my right arm that was originally diagnosed in April. Today's scan was much more thorough and, although I do not yet have the report, I did learn that the sonographer found it very difficult to discern the veins in my neck. He asked about my radiotherapy and I told him that I had been given the highest dose possible. Apparently my Radiation Oncologist decided that any more would negate the benefits and increase the risks. Personally, I feel that many of my problems have come from the after-affects of radiation. How I wish I had the courage to stop at the time my body told me enough was enough. I have increasing amounts of fluid building up in the neck and throat area and the tears literally ran down my cheeks today as he completed the scan. The pain was dreadful! He did comment on the number of 'new' surface veins that are appearing around the chest and arm. I am still a bit in the dark as far as results go!

Dinner over tonight and I turned on the computer to find information from my ISP on a deal on software that will allow me to 'stop typing and start talking.' Once again I am reminded of the generosity of fellow bloggers as I say 'thank you' to Alli who, very kindly, asked a friend of hers about the software he uses to communicate online. What joy! Cannot imagine what it will be like to take up the challenge and learn a skill that will give me freedom on the keyboard once more.

Thank you for the joy that I feel purely because you have come into my life and from showing me that you care. Bless you

Celebrating Carla's Life

2010-10-19T17:38:00.002+11:00

It was around the time of Carla's 30th birthday that she met me for the first time. Until then she had lived with the pain of believing she was not wanted. She had been given up for adoption because there was no choice!

Ray had lovingly accepted Carla's birth - why else would he have given me flowers on the 19th October each year? Somehow, with living overseas followed by different states of Australia, I was unaware of the changes to adoption laws which were different in Victoria and NSW. Having done nothing to prevent my daughter making contact, I believed it was simply that she did not wish to. Shortly after Ray's passing the NSW adoption laws changed. I registered with the Reunion Information Register and was advised that Carla was also registered. Our names were exchanged by the New South Wales Department of Community Services. I was excited at the prospect of meeting the daughter that had been given up at birth. Nothing happened! I could not believe it. Surely my daughter knew I wanted her? I had been advised her name was Carla, I had been given a copy of her Birth Certificate.

In reality, my daughter Carla was working through the issues that had been confusing her for many years. Not being renowned for my patience, I waited as long as I could before picking up the phone to call the number I had been given. Carla and I began chatting and it continues to this day.

As we celebrate Carla's birthday today, I am using her words to complete this post:

'I was about 11 when my mum and dad first told me that i was adopted. At the time i didn't really understand so i just let it go. When i was 15 i asked mum why i was adopted, she said because i was special, that my birth mother couldn't look after me and that her and dad really wanted a baby. At 16 i asked them could they help me find my birth mother, mum was 100% supportive, dad didn't think it was a good idea, as far as he was concerned i was his daughter, so the journey began. Mum showed me my adoption papers, next we put my name on the adoption register and waited, we visited the hospital where i was born to try to obtain any sort of information, unfortunately the hospital had closed and the records had been moved, by the time i was 19 i gave up with the thought it is her loss not mine, she obviously hadn't told anyone about me. When i had my first son at 22 it all came flooding back, the unanswered questions who was i where did i belong, i couldn't understand how any mother could give her baby up, did she feel i wasn't worth it, i had to know so the search began again, to no avail, i was told that my birth mothers name was not on the register therefore she did not want to be conntacted, by this stage i really didn't care if i ever met her, i can remember though looking up all the townsends in the sydney phone book and ringing each number asking if cheryl lived there, so i guess deep down i wanted some answers. Then the phone call came 3 days before my 30th birthday, the adoption agency rang and told me that my mother wanted to make contact, i just cried, i drove straight to mum and dads and told them they both cried with me. i was so excited to finally know what happened and why i was given up. I still remember the first time she rang like it was yesterday, it was true i had another mother, we talked and talked and talked, it was always comfortable from day one, we finally decided to meet the following march at the sydney train station, me and my son and cheryl and her son. jeremy picked me straight away and from that moment i became his big sister, it was so overwhelming, i was nervous, happy, scared and so full of questions, but i needn't have worried because as soon as we saw eachother it all fell into place, we had the best day, i didn't ask many questions mainly because i just wanted this moment to last and knew that we would have plenty of time to ask and answer questions. It has been 15 years since we first made contact and i am so glad that cheryl decided to take the step in finding me, not only have i met my best friend, my mother but a person that i am proud to call mum, we have a wonderful relationship and yes just for the record cheryl does nag and tell me how it is just like a typical mother but i wouldn't have it any other way.'

Thank you for coming into our lives Carla.

Another Way to Carry Raymond With Me

2010-10-18T17:10:00.000+11:00

A visit from Adrian Quain, (Funeral Director) some time after Ray's funeral, provided an unexpected surprise. I was overwhelmed to learn that he had taken the liberty of collecting Ray's cremated remains from the Beresfield Crematorium, in order to minimise costs, and had been holding them on my behalf. He decided to take just the tiniest amount of Ray's created remains and to place them on the back of a Holy Card with the verse SAFELY HOME before having it laminated. He provided the explanation that this was not something he had previously undertaken and yet he was determined to do something 'unique' for me.

Adrian reiterated the affect the home visit had on him and the love he had experienced within the home. Guess it is slightly unusual to say that I not only carry Ray in my heart, but in my wallet as well. Oh well, I have often been accused of being 'different.'

Safely Home

I am home in Heaven, dear ones;

Oh, so happy and so bright!

There is perfect joy and beauty

In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over

Every restless tossing passed

I am now at peace forever,

Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly

Trod the valley of the shade?

Oh! But Jesus’ love illuminated

Every dark and fearful glade

And He came Himself to meet me

In that way so hard to tread;

And with Jesus’ arm to lean on

Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,

For I love you dearly still

Try to look beyond earth’s shadows

Pray to trust our Father’s Will

There is work still waiting for you

So you must not idly stand

Do it now, while life remaineth-

You shall rest in Jesus’ land.

When that work is all completed,

He will gently call you Home

Oh, the rapture of that meeting

Oh, the joy to see you come

Back to Ray's Funeral and Beyond

2010-10-18T08:15:00.000+11:00

I think you are probably struggling to put all the pieces of the jigsaw of my life together as you go from post to post. Suddenly, there seems to be so much to say as I awaken each day to the uncertainty of life. With the knowledge that we are born to die, it seems to be perfectly natural to be talking about life and death. Although it was my intention to leave the posts concerning Ray until March - the month in which he was born and died - somehow it has become far too important, so I intend to keep 'plugging' away.

So.. back to the days following Ray's passing. I was still feeling very emotional, and profoundly affected by the fact that the funeral director had suggested he was happy to waive funeral costs. On a subsequent visit, he shared with me that HE felt the love I had for Raymond (a Post for next time.) So, in spite of the many years of hardship as a result of Ray's illness, we still enjoyed a love that shone through. We literally had NO money at the time of Ray's death and here I was being told that Adrian was happy to be of service. I still smile to myself when I reflect on those days. I had a Mother that did not know me and a funeral director that felt he had 'summed' me up in just over one hour.

Once again Megan was more than happy to write a verse to be used as a Return Thanks. She wrote, as usual, from the heart and penned the following:

The sun it shines so bright today

The grass it is so green

The world for him is perfect now

More than it's ever been

This is the time to say to you

How lucky we all are

To have known such a special man

Who sparkled like a star

Although at times the path was rough

And we struggled to get through

Everything worked out for the best

With a little help from you

Remember this in times to come

That in our hearts you'll stay

For it was the strength from others

That helped us on our way

We thank you for your kindness

And all the things you've done

To help us through this time in life

With this loss we feel as one

The love this man has given

Has been returned all round

For even in the tough times

It was peace in life he found

Written by Megan Louise Radford (born 1972)

Dad - Born and Died in the Same Month

2010-10-17T16:57:00.004+11:00

There cannot possibly be a 'right' time to lose a parent. I suspect, in the case of an older parent with failing health, death may bring a sense of relief, as was the case with my Mother. I was 12 years of age when my beloved Dad was killed in a triple tragedy on the morning of 17th October 1960. 50 years later, I am left reflecting on the circumstances of that accident, the father I was still getting to know and the grandfather my children never met.

According to the Coroner, the accident was one of the worst in the Wellington District. My father, in a panel van on his way to work on the Burrendong Dam, with Harry Brazier and accompanied by Cvitko Maksimovic was hit by train. It appears that the gates at the crossing had been left open and the vehicle in which my Dad was a passenger did not see the train, possibly due to the sun rising at that early hour of the day.

Mum said that as soon as she heard the news of the accident, she knew it was Dad. Therefore, she was not surprised to find, when answering the knock at the door first thing in the morning, that it was two policemen with the news that her husband, father to her five children, had been killed. Mum's reaction! 'I have no time for tears, I have a family to raise.' That is pretty much how it was! Mum simply 'toughed' it out.

There is a story [for another day] as to why Dad was the one that rocked the cradle, and my Aunty Pat mothered me. I was in good hands with both of them. It was a huge blow to find that Dad died just months after my Aunty Pat left our family home to marry Bruce Simpson. I have memories from that time; all previous memories eradicated by the trauma of the accident; or something else! I am fascinated to hear friends talk of childhood memories as I have none. I have asked myself on occasions if I may be concealing something?

So today I think lovingly of my precious Father Jack Frances Townsend who was born to this life on 4 October 1914 and entered Eternal Life on 17 October 1960. This is the first member of my family - that I know of - who died in the month in which they were born.

They say memories are golden

well maybe that is true.

We never wanted memories,

we only wanted you.

A million times we needed you,

a million times we cried.

If love alone could have saved you

you never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,

in death we love you still.

In our heart you hold a place

no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway

and heartache make a lane,

We’d walk the path to heaven

and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing seems the same.

But as God calls us one by one,

the chain will link again

Author unknown