The Events as I Know Them

'As to diseases make a habit of two things - to help, or at least, to do no harm'

- Hippocrates, Greek Physician

Thank you to all that have taken the time to email, or get in touch regarding my test results. Your thoughtfulness is comforting... and very much appreciated.

After what felt like a very long wait I have now seen my absolutely brilliant oncologist. I like what I see even more the second time around. As Dr Andre Van sat at his desk reading the report he began to feel around my neck region. I, very bravely, asked him if it would make it easier for him if my clothing was removed. That done, he continued to probe... while reading. Initially he questioned his perspicacity in requesting the tests, however, as he went on he began to see the wisdom of his decision. It was only when the nurse entered the room that he became aware that we had not followed protocol by undressing behind the curtain.

What was thought to be a problem in the right lung is a collapsed lobe as a result of radiation damage; it could, in fact possibly be a small mass. That will be observed!

As thought, there appears to be a change, with suspicious nodal metastasis in the right axilla.

There is some confusion owing to the increasing size of several lobular masses in the area of the right supraclavicular region with associated bone destruction. Given that Dr Van was seeing me for only the second time, he impressed me with his willingness to seek information and answers. On reading previous reports, he suggested that a biopsy of the lesion in question had been performed. I felt ready to dispute that when he told me the date and location of the test. I quickly realised that, at that time, I was searching for answers; looking for a reason for the unbearable pain that had me screaming in agony each and every day. I have few memories of that time other than the pain. What I do remember is the first time I was given opiates and the sleep that came easily. Alleluia!

It seems there is one mass in particular that was positive prior to radiation. It was the very thing I thought the radiation was to address. To learn that it has been there the whole time, and has grown, came as a surprise as I have had no treatment for it. OK So I am grateful to this wonderful doctor who is giving me yet another chance, however, there have been several emotions processed to reach this point. It would seem the radiation has been of little, or no use, and may even have done more harm than good.

Dr Van did say I am not without options. He made a phone call to my Radiation Oncologist, followed by a call to Dr Logan who is an Oncological Surgeon. Miraculously, I have been given an appointment for a consultation with Dr Logan on 11 March.

I am going into this with an open mind, however, it  does appear that my options will be limited due to the build up of fluid in that region and the degree of damage from radiation.

In the meantime, my Femara has been replaced with Aromasin (exemestane.) I have been warned of the increasing susceptibility to joint swelling and pain with this new medication.

This entry has been done in record time for which I apologise. Do hope you can make sense of it. As one week has passed since my appointment you know it is not my 'usual' style to leave it this long to report. I am really trying to get my head arounds these facts!

What the Butterfly Would Say:

What the Butterfly Would Say:
On the Wings of Transformation, Hope, and Life
By: Jakob Cutter
We have a particular fascination with butterflies.  Not only are they amazing pollinators, fun to watch and beautiful, but they instill in us a wonderful sense of transformation, hope, and life. 
The life of a butterfly is a journey of stages and rebirth and it reflects changes in our own lives.  It is easy to understand why we would find inspiration from them.
As I write this, I have a specific condition in mind: cancer.  However, the metaphor extends to other physical conditions, as well as conditions of the mind, heart, and spirit.  It extends to the difficulties of life, in general.  We are always enduring and thriving.
As we know, the butterfly begins its life story as an egg and from there it becomes a caterpillar.  The most notable change is from caterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly.  Now, I don’t know much about butterfly psychology—whether they anticipate their metamorphoses from caterpillar to butterfly, but they certainly do make it look easy.
It is not an easy feat though. When the butterfly emerges, its wings are soft and folded. The process is usually bloody, or what appears to be a blood-like substance.  Once out, their soft wings unfold and harden, at which time the butterfly takes to the sky to do their graceful aerial dance.  Even then, the life of a butterfly is not easy; there are predators, parasites, and pesticides that threaten them. 
I don’t know if the butterfly knows its destiny, I don’t know if it looks forward to becoming a butterfly, but I believe that it is the journey that matters.  A person close to me who is undergoing chemotherapy told me that when he sees a butterfly, he sees that it chose life.  The butterfly’s journey is life affirming despite all obstacles.
I cannot fathom the difficulties of undergoing treatment, living with, and surviving cancer.  I cannot fathom the courage it takes to face something so scary.  I won’t pretend to understand.  The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual toll it takes on the person living with cancer is enormous.  It is transforming.  The toll it takes on family is massive.  In a time of so many scary changes and uncertainty we must look to hope, for which the butterfly is a classic symbol.  I'm reminded of a quote, paraphrased:  “But we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that trials build perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us.”  We can look to the butterfly for this.
Imagine what the butterfly may tell us about these things, about transformation, hope, life... uncertainty.  If that graceful aerial dance was an interpretive dance, I believe the butterfly would say:  “Even with a broken wing, I still hope!  I still live!  I still fly!”

Jakob Cutter is a graduate of Indiana University with degrees in History and Psychology with a minor in Sociology. He is currently working as a butterfly farmer at Butterfly Dan’s in Kissimmee, Florida.