Message from Paul

'We don't accomplish anything in this world alone... and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one's life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something.'

- Sandra Day O'Connor

At a time that I want desperately to write, I simply find I do not have the energy. Never before have I experienced fatigue like I live with now. The lymphoedema of my right arm has become a serious problem! I am due to see the physiotherapist at the hospital on Wednesdday and, although I know there will be benefits, a one hour consultation is not sufficient time to correct a condition that is rapidly deteriorating. I spend day after day sitting and staring into space thinking of things other than the pain

At the time of my breast cancer diagnosis, I was advised of the work of a Bio Chemist who had successfully treated many cancer patients. I decided to pay P a visit and was impressed when he spoke of correcting my underlying body chemistry. That made sense to me! Unfortunately, during treatment P received adverse publicity and was banned from continuing to practise as a bio chemist. We remained in contact.

My condition has left me with little energy for those close to me; even less for friends and acquaintances further down the list. Yesterday I received a message from P asking me to ring him today as well as enquiring after my health. P reminded me that we share a friendship that will weather any storm. I was touched!

Today I called bio-chemist P. We discussed my condition, which gave me the opportunity to tell him that life is difficult. I can see no doors opening for me. No way of reclaiming my life; giving back some of the quality that has disappeared. I appreciated P's response when he said 'We are not giving up! You have been a thread in the tapestry of my life for too many years. I do not want a hole.'

It seems I am overcome by the frustrations of ongoing health problems. I am looking for release from the pain. There has to be a solution!

At a time that I so desperately need the benefits of your response dear friends, I find myself struggling to do my own posts, or even to read and comment on yours which is heartbreaking for me.

The Day Before Yesterday

'The more serious the illness, the more important it is for you to fight back, mobilising all your resources, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical'

-Norman Cousins

It seems to me that spiritual, emotional and intellectual health are deeply intertwined, having a profound affect on each other. Although I often feel I would give anything not to be experiencing this dreadful disease with all its side effects, I make every effort to look at it in a more positive light, using it for my own spiritual growth. This allows me to better deal with the chronic pain, as well as the limits placed on me by the diminishing use of my right arm/hand, as well as the clavicular lesion that is beginning to cause more problems. It allows me to find more meaning and purpose to my life and to live more fully in the 'now,' This brings me back to my soul and offers spiritual transformation and self realisation.

For reasons unknown, I have now become more conscious that it has taken me a great deal of pain and suffering to virtually 'force' me to grow spiritually and emotionally. In 'The Alchemy of Illness,' Kat Duff teaches us that the Indigenous communities believe that illness is the most reliable means of revelation and knowledge. We are forever changed by the experience of serious illness, learning things we would never have learned otherwise. Enriched Spiritual Health offers us comfort, meaning, harmony and purpose, hope strength and inner peace. Imagine how much easier life would be if we set out to develop these skills. Spiritual growth is about finding meaning and purpose in our life, discovering who we truly are and connecting with inner strength/peace hope and comfort in troubled times.- from information taken from Cynthia Perkins, M. Ed.

Experiencing life completely and consciously, even in the midst of great pain and suffering, is the essence of true spiritual growth. 'Be still and know that I am God' is the mantra that I use during my most difficult times.

The day before yesterday I woke to find my clavicular lesion weeping haemoserous. Although I was scheduled to have a fine needle biopsy on Monday I cancelled the appointment. I immediately phoned my' amazing' new Medical Oncologist, Dr Andre, explaining that I was fearful of the thought of a needle penetrating the wound. I feel there is no guarantee that it will not be the beginning of an open, ulcerating sore. I understand that my decision may, in effect, make it more difficult for him to choose suitable drugs should chemotherapy turn out to be my only option. I felt the procedure carries too many risks for my liking. He is adorable! He simply said that was' perfectly fine' with him. Although the changes were obvious, with the centre becoming opaque on Sunday, changing to blood filled Monday, I simply was not prepared for the weeping to begin Tuesday. My understanding is that this is the beginning of the ulceration, possible fungation of my tumour.

As we had planned to take my near new notebook computer into Maitland to have the data transferred I called in to see the on duty palliative care nurse regarding dressings. Sally said it was out of her area of expertise and nominated the community nurse who called in to see me today. Although I found her to be delightful, I immediately removed the dressing on her departure as I felt the dressing was not large enough and the tape was attached to an area of radiation damage. I find dressings and tape very irritating. Guess it will be up to Haydn to work it out with me. As usual!



Yesterday's News

Yesterday we attended a 40th birthday celebration. The winter weather was a warm 16 degrees, making it a perfect day for Al Fresco dining.

The celebration was for one of Haydn's nephews. According to the boys, Uncle Hayd was a big influence on them, especially after the death of their Dad. Apparently Uncle Hayd taught them to barrack loudly for the Parramatta Eels Rugby League team, while relentlessly bagging the opposition. A vote of thanks was given by the 'Birthday Boy' who claimed that without that influence they would have been complete 'nerds'. Interesting in light of the fact that Uncle Haydn has never played any sport, let alone league.

The comment was made that the family do not normally 'do' celebrations well. I doubt that to be true and I do not believe it has anything to do with the fact that they lived on a farm, in relative isolation. A rough estimate of numbers would be approximately 25 adults with around the same number of children. Everything ran very smoothly, leading me to reflect on the day's events as we drove home.

The story goes that the boys were practically dragged to church each week and looked for any excuse that gave them the opportunity to renege. I married Haydn in 1996 and it has only been in the past couple of years that two of the four boys moved to this area. One of them a minister at a church in East Maitland, another recommended for the position of minister at a church in Muswellbrook and soon to take up the post. Interestingly, each of the boys attended Bible College where they met and married truly delightful young women. This appears to have set them up for life.

Having seen the families together, during both work and play, it is obvious that they have a profound sense of committment and unity. I believe this comes from their deep and abiding faith; a common bond and a shared interest. I admire and respect each of these families as their belief in the Lord God our Saviour is tangible and definitely something to be emulated.

A valuable lesson learned and, on reflection, the incentive I need to make changes in my own life.