Another Day of Mourning

Today, 23 October 2010 marks the fourth anniversary of the passing of my mother Valerie Ellen Townsend; it is also the month in which she was born. I wonder as I write this if others have connected dates as I do with births and deaths?

There is certainly a tinge of sadness as I reflect on my upbringing. What was it in Mum's life that allowed her to dwell on negativity as she overlooked the intrinsic goodness of life? Although family members had visited frequently for some months prior to her passing, and I had been there just the day before, it was not until later that I mentioned to my sister Toni  I found it odd that Mother had not mentioned that she loved me and yet she managed to tell my ex-husband Haydn. By the same token, I realised that I had not declared my love for Mum. Quite frankly, I think I feared rejection. Toni then told me that her experience was the same, although Mum found it in her heart to tell Brian - Toni's husband. Interesting! I then asked my other three siblings to share their experience. I soon learned that at least Mum did not discriminate. She died without telling any of her children how she felt. Love me, love me not, love me, love me not...

I remember a discussion in which I virtually accused Mum of not wanting me. Her reply still echoes in my ears ' I did not want any of you!' Odd sentiments for the mother of five children! Did Mum feel like that always, or was it just that point in time? Does it really matter now? Although we were raised in what appeared, at times, to be a loveless household, I have just found a card from Mum. It was sent in early 2006 and I suspect Mum knew then that there was something happening within her body. She told me that she loved me. Alleluia! She said she loved all of us declaring that she had not been one to tell us. Were we supposed to read her mind and to know from everything she did?  Being somewhat perceptive I felt she did things out of duty.

So why do I still live with, and 'hang out' with my ex-husband Haydn when I tell him, on occasions, that living with him is like living with my mother? Even he recognised that Mum carried out her responsibilities as a matter of duty. Or so it seemed. Maybe somewhere within me I see this as an opportunity to allow Haydn to see that there is another way.

I do know that there is not a single day that I do not think about my Spirit Child Jeremy, and the wonderful gift he has given me. Between he and his beloved Dad he taught me about unconditional love; something I will carry with me always. I recall my oncology social worker pointing out that she thought Jeremy had allowed me the freedom to be the person I most enjoyed being. I knew immediately that thought resonated with me. To be accepted and loved unconditionally is a true blessing.

So maybe in another post I will explore what love means to me. To finish this particular post I will simply say 'I love you Mum. I so wish I had been able to do it better.' The following is from:
Thought for Today.org.uk.

Like a Star

At the end of the day, on the wings of your thoughts, go beyond the cares and troubles of the world. Remove your mind from everywhere and everyone, and become blissfully detached, like a star.

Like a star, be free to radiate light, for your essence is light and peace. Enjoy the simplicity of the night sky, the peace. And then, when you want to, you can shoot down to earth.

More of Mum's Letter

Following on from my Unsent Letter Post, I felt Mum would not mind my sharing more of her letter if she were still here. In fact, I believe she would feel very proud. Mother had no formal education and yet was a most articulate person; she faced hardship throughout much of her life. Dad was killed in a level crossing accident on the way to work in October 1960. My parents had only just purchased a home. Prior to that they, together with Mum's sister Pat, had run a mixed business which was sold when the first supermarket began operating in our town. The writing was on the wall so to speak, as they could not buy stock for what it was being sold for in the supermarket. Mum tells of the hardship of being widowed shortly after.

...."I just want a country where all poor people will be given enough of those worldly goods that most of us have; at least give them some pride. If a person's pride is taken away from them they have nothing. It was only too clearly spelt out to me as a widow of three weeks with five children, three dependent on me. Mrs Stevens drove me down to the police station to get a Relief Cheque for $4.10cents - converted from pounds, shillings and pence - [you had to be there between 9am to 12 noon or the cheque was sent back to the State Government] Then widows and children, poor people, such as deserted wives, had to depend on charities like The St Vincent de Paul Society or go hungry. The policeman said 'You can't keep on getting this, you should be getting a Widow's Pension IN A LOUD VOICE, and while trying to explain and fight back tears to tell him I was waiting for my pension to come through. [$12.50 a week to keep us all and no money at all except $40 Syd gave us and $200 Dick later LOANED me to pay bills as we had paid out all our money for the deposit on the house. We had loan repayments of $10 a week plus $2.30 off the refrigerator. We were left with 20cents a week, plus endowment, to keep my three children aged 4, 8 and 12. With Aunty Pats, and many kind people who brought us vegetables plus the board you and Pam paid, we got by, and if the neck of mutton stews and soup bone soup with rice got a bit monotonous, we were all able to keep our health till better times came.

Toni, I lack the ability to express myself in words but when I write it comes from the heart. Confucius once said ' From a man's mouth may come sharp arrows to wound and fiery brands to burn. Take good heed then that neither issue from your mouth to the injury of others.' Why then did God not give me the wisdom of Confucius? It is when we have time to survey the years that are past that we can look with keen critical eyes at the part we played throughout them. 'There can be no harsher court than the tribunal of self-judgement when it sits upon the errors and omissions of the years.' Not my words but written by Sir Herbert Barker in an address.

In a way, each of us gets the old age he deserves and when I write that I am not thinking of material rewards, but of those consolations that no man can steal from another. 'For just as the bee gathers honey for the winter, so too we fill the storehouse of the future with the trash and treasure of our choice, for when the heat of the day has passed, and evening has come, we shall draw upon whatever we have gathered through the years, but if all we remember is the wealth we have been able to gather, we will all be empty in the evening of our day.'

In old age beyond the minimum of needs, there is but one want the old desire and that is to be loved. 'Human love needs human meriting.' We are loved as we deserve to be loved."

My Mum died in October 2006; the following month my youngest child Jeremy was killed in a tragic motor vehicle accident. 'Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever'....Psalm 23:6 

Mum's Unsent Letter

I recently came across a blog titled 'Unsent Letters.' The concept is one that I find interesting! How often have we been told the solution to many disagreements is to put the problem in writing and then to burn the letter? Maybe there are letters that should not be sent.

The following is not one of those letters; my Mother wrote it in 1975. It was addressed to my sister Toni in response to a statement made by Toni regarding her political views. Somehow this letter found its way into my personal papers.

On 19 October 1965, as a 17 year old, I was admitted to the Mater Hospital in North Sydney where I safely delivered a beautiful baby girl. On that day I became an unmarried mother.The following is taken from Mum's letter;

..'has left a scar in my heart and mind that nothing can erase.

Ten years ago, in October this year I turned a deaf ear to a cry of "Mummy, please take us both home" and in my [as I thought] wisdom, I turned a deaf ear to that face, with tears running down both cheeks and two days later she signed away her child and my grandchild. I did not have the courage to "give it a go" as my sister Paul Mum's sister] did with Gregory, and face the barrage of ridicule that would have followed. I try to pretend that I did what I did for Cheryl's future happiness, but deep down I know that it was to preserve the facade of respectability that had been ingrained in us all. I used to condemn Paul's way of life, but now I know that she had the courage I never had. She is now rewarded by the love of a grandson whom she adores and to him "Nanny" is probably the best and most important person in the world. She is so good to him too. He is spoilt rotten, she has not got the tortured mind of wondering where her grandson is and is he happy and do the people who have him love him that I have. I can only say "God take care of the little baby and fold her in your loving arms" on 19 October each year. I can say Happy Birthday darling but she can't hear me. I only hope her new mother will tell her that her birth mother did not give her away because she did not love her but because her Grandmother "thought it best" because she was a widow and 42 years old and was afraid she might get sick and not be able to care for her until she was grown up and just lacked the courage to give it a go. It is easy to be wise after the event but as the years go by the scars get deeper and believe me Toni, the agony of a stroke of a rattan could not be worse than the scars of guilt I'll live with for the rest of my life. I now know I was wrong. How easily we could have made a second mistake 6.5 years ago when WE decided Robyn [now daughter-in-law] could do the same thing. Fortunately, against bitter opposition from my side of the family Glad and Horrie were the wise ones. They used the "right" words "It would kill Dad and me if you gave your baby away Robyn" Glad and Horrie were more fortunate, they had security and proved to be wonderful backstops. I often wonder if they look at Kylie [Garry and Robyn's first born daughter] and wonder what might have been. I thank God every day of my life for their God Given Wisdom.

Toni, there will be unmarried mothers right through civilization but thanks to Bill Hayden [Labor Politician] they are now given a chance to keep their babies in Australia because of the Unmarried Mother's Pension [A Labor Policy] Cheryl could only get $4 per week in 1965 for 6 weeks after the birth and then 50 cents per week endowment for her baby.

When I mentioned to her in Singapore that Lee [Amah] worked hard she said "Mum, I know what it is like to work from daylight till dark for nothing." That was the price paid for the sin of having a baby out of wedlock. She got nothing at all at the hospital at Nelson Bay, except to work all day and help to lay out dead bodies in return for her keep and a shelter to hide her "shame." I keep looking at the wedding ring she wore which she got from Dinny O'Brien [Pawnbroker] and I'll never take it off because it is a reminder of the saddest period of my life [not that I need the ring as a reminder.] I had the tag off the baby's wrist, but Cheryl asked me for it and also her Birth Weight Card. I know I was wrong to see the baby because her beauty made it all the harder to bear when I look at my other grandchildren, but it put the 'crown of thorns' on my head as I already had the cross on my back.

I did not refer to it on the 19th in Singapore and Cheryl said "How come" and I replied "What's the use," but that was not what was in my heart. She said "Between you and Ray I'll never be allowed to forget it." Ray always gave her flowers on 19th October. As Cheryl gets older the scars will get deeper, because that is a fact of life. I just hope she will have enough compassion not to blame me too much for the part I played, because I already have enough guilt of my own.  I've often thought about giving the money I have to Saint Anthony's Home for Unmarried Mothers because it broke my heart to go there when I tried to get Cheryl in, but perhaps my first obligation is to my family.'

Cheryl says......in 1995, after 30 years, I reunited with my daughter Carla giving my Mother the opportunity to make her peace.

You may find this Post appears again as I originally scheduled it for 2nd October @ 1012pm thinking it would show Australian time however, it appears to be 'floating' in cyber space. My apologies.

Love and peace to all.