There is a ? in my Future

Debby made the comment, in response to a previous Post, that I simply acknowledged that depression was a real possibility for me and I stepped up to do something about it. Yes! I did take steps by grabbing some domestic assistance however, that is not the heart of the problem.

Haydn has suggested that I put my current dilemma out there in blog land to get feedback. The thing that is bothersome for me is the isolation at the farm. At the time of our retirement in June 2008, the move to life on the farm sounded idyllic. We could not have possibly known what was in store.

Let me summarise briefly the 14 years that Haydn and I have been together. It is not my intention to get into the whys and wherefores. Married around two years when the going got too tough and we separated. Remained great friends and continued to enjoy a life 'together' while living in separate homes. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, way back in 2003, Haydn decided to build on acreage in the Hunter Valley. The property had been owned for many years by he and his late wife. A 67 hectare property would provide the opportunity for us to build a new home in which I could do 'my' thing.  It would provide a lifestyle that would keep 'him' occupied in retirement.

Haydn is basically a farmer at heart and this place gives him the opportunity to do what he loves most. So, apart from the days that he is driving me to appointments, he goes outside and 'plays' with his toys. This leaves me in the wilderness with far too much time to think. Although I attend Tai Chi and yoga classes, I have not formed any lasting friendships. I have always enjoyed being around people. I miss my friends, particularly at this stage of my journey. I want to be surrounded by the charge of energy that comes from loving, giving people. Sometimes, I want nothing more than to be able to sit alone in a coffee shop and watch the world go by.

Haydn believes that if the farm is sold for the expected price, he would have sufficient funds to purchase land elsewhere - minus a house - as well as something in which I could live. This would leave me in town where I have contact with friends and Haydn could come and go as he pleases. This seems less than perfect as I really find that I am no longer capable of doing for myself while Haydn is not really interested in food preparation. He only eats to live.

It therefore seems unfair to me for Haydn to give up his life on the farm. This is what he always wanted. What sort of relationship is it that sees him living in a 40ft x 20ft transportable during the week and me struggling to prepare meals for myself. In a perfect world he and I would go our separate ways. This would enable him to meet someone and move forward from here.

Maybe I feel I have become a burden and I do not want that for Haydn. Funnily enough, when I mentioned the opportunity of him finding a life with someone else, he asked 'why?'  Maybe it was the thought that he could end up with more of the same. Simply not worth taking a chance. I suppose he would feel like that after his experience; two wives with ill health. He is, no doubt, asking himself 'Why me?'

Maybe the bottom line for me has more to do with my life expectancy. I have no idea what the future holds. The Femara is keeping the Breast Ca in check at the moment, but who knows for how long. While Haydn is living 'his dream' I seem to be standing idle and watching my life pass me by. I feel helpless. I do not have a 'Bucket List' and I do not really know what it is that I need to do. I believe there must be a purpose for my being and yet the passion is missing and I have no idea how to go about resurrecting it.

So fellow bloggers... if you read this entry please take the time to comment, or ask questions. I need, and value, your feedback.