There is a ? in my Future

Debby made the comment, in response to a previous Post, that I simply acknowledged that depression was a real possibility for me and I stepped up to do something about it. Yes! I did take steps by grabbing some domestic assistance however, that is not the heart of the problem.

Haydn has suggested that I put my current dilemma out there in blog land to get feedback. The thing that is bothersome for me is the isolation at the farm. At the time of our retirement in June 2008, the move to life on the farm sounded idyllic. We could not have possibly known what was in store.

Let me summarise briefly the 14 years that Haydn and I have been together. It is not my intention to get into the whys and wherefores. Married around two years when the going got too tough and we separated. Remained great friends and continued to enjoy a life 'together' while living in separate homes. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, way back in 2003, Haydn decided to build on acreage in the Hunter Valley. The property had been owned for many years by he and his late wife. A 67 hectare property would provide the opportunity for us to build a new home in which I could do 'my' thing.  It would provide a lifestyle that would keep 'him' occupied in retirement.

Haydn is basically a farmer at heart and this place gives him the opportunity to do what he loves most. So, apart from the days that he is driving me to appointments, he goes outside and 'plays' with his toys. This leaves me in the wilderness with far too much time to think. Although I attend Tai Chi and yoga classes, I have not formed any lasting friendships. I have always enjoyed being around people. I miss my friends, particularly at this stage of my journey. I want to be surrounded by the charge of energy that comes from loving, giving people. Sometimes, I want nothing more than to be able to sit alone in a coffee shop and watch the world go by.

Haydn believes that if the farm is sold for the expected price, he would have sufficient funds to purchase land elsewhere - minus a house - as well as something in which I could live. This would leave me in town where I have contact with friends and Haydn could come and go as he pleases. This seems less than perfect as I really find that I am no longer capable of doing for myself while Haydn is not really interested in food preparation. He only eats to live.

It therefore seems unfair to me for Haydn to give up his life on the farm. This is what he always wanted. What sort of relationship is it that sees him living in a 40ft x 20ft transportable during the week and me struggling to prepare meals for myself. In a perfect world he and I would go our separate ways. This would enable him to meet someone and move forward from here.

Maybe I feel I have become a burden and I do not want that for Haydn. Funnily enough, when I mentioned the opportunity of him finding a life with someone else, he asked 'why?'  Maybe it was the thought that he could end up with more of the same. Simply not worth taking a chance. I suppose he would feel like that after his experience; two wives with ill health. He is, no doubt, asking himself 'Why me?'

Maybe the bottom line for me has more to do with my life expectancy. I have no idea what the future holds. The Femara is keeping the Breast Ca in check at the moment, but who knows for how long. While Haydn is living 'his dream' I seem to be standing idle and watching my life pass me by. I feel helpless. I do not have a 'Bucket List' and I do not really know what it is that I need to do. I believe there must be a purpose for my being and yet the passion is missing and I have no idea how to go about resurrecting it.

So fellow bloggers... if you read this entry please take the time to comment, or ask questions. I need, and value, your feedback.

Chalk and Cheese

Haydn and I had put plans in place to do an exercise. Given that I am currently not driving and, at times, wonder if things will ever change, we decided to look at real estate elsewhere.

Haydn called the local real estate agent for an appraisal. Armed with the knowledge that the farm was worth $???? he had thought that maybe the farm could be sold if, in fact, he could purchase another property closer to a township offering us more services than we have here. The problem with living where we live is the isolation for me closely combined with lack of services.

6 kilometres to our north we have the village of Gresford which has a general store, post office and pub. We are blessed to have a coffee shop at the moment but, not sure how long it will last as it has opened and closed 3 times in the 2 years we have lived here. 6 kilometres to the south we have the village of Vacy with nothing more than a general store and pub.

Maybe we could stumble on a great property closer to services. We are 30 minutes from the regional centre of Maitland and just over 1 hour from medical services, including the Calvery Mater hospital at which I have my cancer treatments.

We set off yesterday to meet with real estate agent number 1 in the township of Clarencetown. He suggested we drive to the property and he quickly jumped into the back seat thereby saving his own fuel. We turned off the sealed road and, as we made our way along a winding dirt road with lots of water filled pot holes, Haydn asked if this was the property. He was rudely told 'No. Keep going!' Shortly Haydn asked again if we were on the land that was for sale as he could tell that it was not good farming country. I was then told that my husband was a hard marker...too severe. How could I then admit that I had absolutely no interest in going further as we were even more isolated than we are now. This rude man was persistent and so we kept going. When we were discussing the benefits of living in our north facing home we were told we should not be making comparisons. I ask 'How then do we make the decision about value for money?' Silly me! Cannot remember exactly what was said but I remember how I felt. Could not wait to get this man out of our vehicle as I felt him grate like chalk on a blackboard.

We then met with real estate agent number 2 in the township of Dungog. Haydn explained the situation and the reason for our enquiry. After discussion about the place we had sought information on, he suggested that it would be perfect for me but not suitable for Haydn the farmer.

As we walked to the front door I was surprised to find this delightful man put one arm around me, while taking my other hand in his. He expressed his delight at meeting me while encouraging me to take special care of myself. I could feel the shift in energy levels as he walked with us to the footpath. He continued to encourage me with his carefully chosen words. Before long he was shedding a tear. As we hugged, I asked him to talk to me about what was happening. It turned out that his Mother had passed 3 years previously. He walked with us to the Pajero all the while discussing the situation and the rise in the incidence of cancer.

I felt deeply touched by the experience and could not help drawing a comparison between the two agents. Definitely chalk and cheese!

Later in the afternoon I received an email in which he suggested that he had no idea what had happened as that was not his usual style. He had realised however, that he did need to spend more time with his Dad giving them both the opportunity to heal while learning to live without their much loved Wife, Mother and Grandmother.

In the meantime we are no closer to solving the dilemma of whether or not a move would work for us...