Is This Radiation Necrosis?

Confronting!

Painful

'Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are'

-Pema Chodron

The past 10 days have certainly kept me out of mischief with appointments and tests taking up any spare time, as well as keeping me away from the keyboard. 'Dr Amazing' continues to 'amaze.'

Who would have believed that, in the Public System, I would see my Oncologist, Physiotherapist and have PET Scan within 4 working days? Truly Amazing! On the fifth day I had my first phone call regarding the results.

Dr Andre has kept me well informed with phone calls each day, including updates. When he called me Wednesday he had just received the written report on the PET Scan. He was actually in Taree, which is probably 3 hours travel from the hospital at which he consults. He opened the conversation by asking if I had time for him to read the report to me. How cute is that? On listening to the report, I felt deflated and let down, wondering if this clavicular lesion is indeed recurrence of my original breast cancer or radiation necrosis as suggested by one of the doctors at the Mater Hospital at the time of my PET Scan.

I have chosen to go through my medical files over the past few days and, interestingly, I find that the lesion pictured above above is the very one that appeared within one month of completing a heavy dose of radiation. The MRI at that time had shown 'appearances consistent with amorphous infiltration of the right thoracic outlet involving muscles, brachial plexus and vascular encasement and axillary lymphadenopathy.'

While 'Dr Amazing' is concerned at what appears to be spread to several new areas, I now find it has been there, according to test results, in tests requested by my radiation oncologist. I will now be asking Dr Andrea to review all copies of the reports and reassess my situation. Taking a wild guess, I would say that, had my radiation oncologist referred me back to a medical oncologist, my current circumstances may well be different.. I was certainly disadvantaged, I would say, by the fact that my medical oncologist [ married to my radiation oncologist] has been off on maternity leave for over twelve months. Of course, this had to happen to me during that time.

According to mythology 'It's not over till the fat lady sings' and I have not yet heard her sing. Haha..

In the meantime, Cheryl is consoling herself with copious amounts of coffee, cookies and chocolate.



Wondering What to do Now

I cannot help but wonder what is going on in this 62 year old body of mine. It will be four years next month since Jeremy's accident; Haydn did not expect me to see the first year out. Why would he say that? There is no doubt that he knew, better than most, the affect on me of the loss of my youngest child. The pain was simply 'different' because he was my youngest not 'better' or 'worse' than for any of my beloved children. Jeremy had not chosen a life partner, unlike Damian, Megan and Carla. He was 'my baby' just as Ray was to his Mum.

So, there is no doubt in my mind that stress was a contributing factor in my breast cancer recurrence, leading to metastatic infiltration of the right thoracic nerve outlet. Was my pain not great enough? I believed my Radiation Oncologist when he told me that the radiation would relieve the pain, and 'cure' the cancer, whatever that means. And it did! But only for one month. I have no idea why it was not longer. I did find the side affects from Arimidex unbearable and was relieved to be told to stop taking it. Within a few days the pain returned; I have written about that and that is not really what this post is about. Actually, I do not know what this post is about. It is simply my confused mind!

I had previously booked tickets on a flight to Melbourne, and then felt the need to cancel. Haydn and I were to visit my family. Both Damian and Megan live in Victoria and I see them far too infrequently. I was looking forward to spending time with them. When Dr Sales referred me for another Doppler, due to his concerns about the extent of the blood clot in my right arm and neck, I realised that I would be putting myself at risk. I was also trying to deal with the feelings of lethargy and general malaise which, according to About.com is a non-specific symptom associated with nearly all infectious, metabolic or systemic diseases. Depending on the disease, malaise can develop quickly or slowly. I have no idea if my problems are due to my cancer, or the medications that keep me relatively pain free and, more importantly, alive. Or, so I am led to believe!

I know that my problems are not helped by my restrictions with food preparation. I rely on Haydn to help me in the kitchen. And then there is the banana toffee loaf that Haydn's daughter Alex makes for me ,and the delicious sticky date cookies that we purchase at Coles when we do our weekly shopping.

So, on one hand, I am exercising, meditating and eating relatively healthy, albeit simple food while, on the other, I console myself with a piece of cake, or a cookie as I drink my herbal teas.