Wondering What to do Now

I cannot help but wonder what is going on in this 62 year old body of mine. It will be four years next month since Jeremy's accident; Haydn did not expect me to see the first year out. Why would he say that? There is no doubt that he knew, better than most, the affect on me of the loss of my youngest child. The pain was simply 'different' because he was my youngest not 'better' or 'worse' than for any of my beloved children. Jeremy had not chosen a life partner, unlike Damian, Megan and Carla. He was 'my baby' just as Ray was to his Mum.

So, there is no doubt in my mind that stress was a contributing factor in my breast cancer recurrence, leading to metastatic infiltration of the right thoracic nerve outlet. Was my pain not great enough? I believed my Radiation Oncologist when he told me that the radiation would relieve the pain, and 'cure' the cancer, whatever that means. And it did! But only for one month. I have no idea why it was not longer. I did find the side affects from Arimidex unbearable and was relieved to be told to stop taking it. Within a few days the pain returned; I have written about that and that is not really what this post is about. Actually, I do not know what this post is about. It is simply my confused mind!

I had previously booked tickets on a flight to Melbourne, and then felt the need to cancel. Haydn and I were to visit my family. Both Damian and Megan live in Victoria and I see them far too infrequently. I was looking forward to spending time with them. When Dr Sales referred me for another Doppler, due to his concerns about the extent of the blood clot in my right arm and neck, I realised that I would be putting myself at risk. I was also trying to deal with the feelings of lethargy and general malaise which, according to About.com is a non-specific symptom associated with nearly all infectious, metabolic or systemic diseases. Depending on the disease, malaise can develop quickly or slowly. I have no idea if my problems are due to my cancer, or the medications that keep me relatively pain free and, more importantly, alive. Or, so I am led to believe!

I know that my problems are not helped by my restrictions with food preparation. I rely on Haydn to help me in the kitchen. And then there is the banana toffee loaf that Haydn's daughter Alex makes for me ,and the delicious sticky date cookies that we purchase at Coles when we do our weekly shopping.

So, on one hand, I am exercising, meditating and eating relatively healthy, albeit simple food while, on the other, I console myself with a piece of cake, or a cookie as I drink my herbal teas.