The Last Word

'All our life passes in this way: we seek rest by struggling against certain obstacles, and once they are overcome, rest proves intolerable because of the boredom it produces.'
BLAISE PASCAL, Pensees

Although I had promised myself there would be no further dialogue on the matter of the missed breakfast, and the assistance given to the neighbours, I cannot help but have the 'last word' in order to clarify the situation. Sunday morning breakfast was far from the only occasion that I was left 'Feeling Let Down and Disappointed' It happens frequently.

Indigo Dreaming is a Blog of 'My Life;' a record for my children and grandchildren. I deliberately choose to keep most of what happens in my personal relationship away from these pages. I remain mindful that what is written here is a record for life. The written/spoken word cannot be taken back. Why destroy a relationship that has taken years to build. My life is about learning to love unconditionally, which means many things are allowed to 'go through to the keeper.'

The reality for me is that the cancer, recurring in my glands, has spread to the area under the breast. It follows the ribs from the outside in towards the centre. The lesions emerge, appearing to 'pop' out, breaking the surface in pea size lumps. They are inflamed, red, angry and extremely painful. Pain is managed by increasing doses of opiates Wound malodour is a distressing symptom, making life more difficult, requiring regular visits from a specialised Wound Care Nurse. The original fungating wound has increased in size. It is similar looking to a volcano, spewing out its contents, causing me much pain in the area surrounding it. It seems chemotherapy is the only treatment for something that appears to have come from a young specialist who choose to give more, rather than less radiation, knowing that the area cannot be re-radiated.

For me, and my loved ones, it is not a 'pretty' picture. I have no use of my right lymphoedema hand/arm and it continues to hang limply, like a lump of lead, by my side. Domestic duties are difficult. Meal times a bit of a nightmare as H eats only to live; he is not particularly interested in food. Food preparation was always my domain; I loved to experiment with food. I do have domestic assistance and love it when Carole and Tracy arrive each Monday morning. My home sparkles when they leave but they do not help me to get dinner on the table each night.

I guess the reason that I look forward to the opportunity of going out to eat is that it takes me away from the reality, and boredom, of mealtimes at home. I have convinced myself that lambs fry and bacon is good for my iron levels. Although H is extremely good at providing transport for my appointments, we have no 'social' life together. Breakfast at the Paterson B and B is a 'big thing' for me. I no longer have years to look forward to. Without a miracle, my life is being measured in days, week and months.

Back on Track..

There have been some highlights at the farm, with the arrival of nine calves recently. This is our new 'baby.' It is fascinating to observe animals in nature. The calf knows instinctively to belt the mother's udder with its head to let down the milk. The cows that have given birth are only heifers themselves, meaning this is their first calf, and yet they make great mothers. As soon as we pulled up in the ute, the cow edged away with the calf. This was mainly due to MY presence; they are used to Haydn, but not me.

My week has been less than pleasant as I struggled with laryngitis and the accompanying sore throat. It has been going on far too long! I missed both my Tai Chi and yoga classes and have been unable to make phone contact with friends, causing me chronic withdrawal symptoms. Why is it the words 'This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it...' pop into my head? There has to be a message there somewhere.

Today, we used the last of the fruit and vegetables so shopping has become a high priority. Only problem is my complete lack of pizazz. I can only guess that it is somehow related to the energy being used to fight this 'bug.' But then again..it could somehow be related to the boredom of being here for a week with no contact with friends or neighbours (present cyber friends excluded.) Truthfully, I have hardly had the fortitude to turn on the computer.

In the meantime, I have found the burning, stinging, pain and irritation in the right arm to cause me a great deal of angst. I do not often ask 'Why me?' but somehow I have found myself to be having the occasional 'pity party for one' in spite of the fact that they are not much fun. Knowing that I have made little time for lymphatic drainage and exercise exacerbates the problems. I really do know better.

I had been looking forward to the opportunity of a luncheon tomorrow. My friend Sue, owner of Cabins in the Clouds, is hosting a get together in readiness for a Breast Cancer Fundraiser to be held in October. As Sue is appearing in a local GAPS stage presentation next month, the last thing I want is to inflict her with whatever it is I have. In actual fact, she found herself with a similar problem after the Christmas Carols last December; it took her some time to fully recover.

So, tomorrow can only get better. I pray for increased energy and healing for myself and all my friends that deal with adversity in its various forms.

May our lives be blessed....

Still Recovering

Yesterday was a LONG day!

We left the farm at 7.30am and although we were home about 6pm we did not stop all day.

I wonder if we were not putting the place on the market how long we would have gone without towel racks, toilet roll holders etc in the bathrooms? We did learn that this situation is more common than we would have thought possible. Then, of course, Haydn decided that we should not purchase 'top of the range' accessories. Non essential in his opinion. Oh well! Provided they do the job, I will live with that.

The choice was influenced somewhat by the complete lack of customer service in the first store. The sales assistant actually picked up the phone and made, what appeared to be, a somewhat personal telephone call in our presence. She completely ignored us. Definitely no reason to shop at that particular branch of Reece Plumbing.

Haydn suggested lunch. I thought that was a great idea as there would then be less pressure on me to provide a substantial dinner on our arrival home.

We managed to purchase beer plus fruit and vegetables for Haydn's elderly mother-in-law from his first marriage. Dot is 92 and still lives alone. As she enjoys her beer and wine, we provide it for her, in the belief that it makes her life just a little easier.

I managed to fit in a Bowen Therapy treatment, which I have found to be the best form of lymphatic drainage for my particular problem. Haydn had a stress ECG because his doctor had suggested it. Although Haydn appears to be fit and well his cholesterol is slightly elevated and his father died of a heart attack when in his 40's. Results when he next sees his family doctor.

Food shopping [enough to last for a week] was done on the way home. It was an easy dinner for us followed by a reasonably early night. Funny how unaccustomed we now are to a full day on the road and shopping.

This morning we began the day with a 'cook-up.' Firstly, it was an enormous stock pot of chicken noodle soup and then our favourite chicken breasts cooked in the slow cooker. A recipe straight from 'My Slow Cooker' recipes on Facebook. We have managed to eat fairly well during the winter months thanks to the slow cooker. With my not being able to manage to chop vegetables these days, it suits us both to do the preparation for the main meal in the morning. We then have only vegetables to do at night, enabling us to still eat reasonably well.

I must admit, I am feeling more tired than usual today. It has taken me longer than normal to get going and I have more to do, knowing that the farm will go on the market. Oh well! I can cope with the inspections.

Thanks for visiting. It is amazing how I now manage to type the entries with one finger of one hand while watching television. Tonight it is Waking the Dead on the ABC.

Dinner Tonight

With my heightened interest in blogging once again it is good to be here. In the past I gained a great deal of insight in responding to your comments. Unfortunately I have a tendency to be a little long winded which is just not possible as I struggle with my low-level typing skills. I value your input, and look forward to the day that I am, once again, able to respond. In the meantime, please be patient and accept my heartfelt thanks. Blogging would not be too much fun without readers.

As you can imagine, food preparation is rather difficult when I am unable to hold a knife. Therefore we are always on the lookout for simple, good tasting recipes.

On a recent visit to the Mater Hospital, Haydn grabbed a recipe that looked tasty and entailed very little food preparation. Here it is; tonight we put it to the test.

Chinese-Style Curried Prawns

1 onion, thickly sliced

2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced

2 tablespoons mild curry powder

400g packet, raw peeled prawns, defrosted

4 cups mixed frozen stir-fry style vegetables

1 tablespoon cornflour, blended with 1 and one quarter cups chicken stock

Heat 1 tablespoon peanut oil in a wok over high heat. Add onions, garlic and curry powder, cook for 2 minutes. Add prawns and cook for 1 minute. Add vegetables and stir fry for 5 minutes.

Stir in stock mixture. Stir until sauce boils and thickens. Reduce heat and simmer for 2 minutes.

In theory the recipe looks great. In practise, my choice of curry powder was apparently not mild. Although I used only 1 tablespoon it was far too hot to really enjoy however, it was obvious that it had the makings of an easy, nutritious meal.

To add to our dilemma, the rice was cooked in the microwave and it turned out like a solid rock in the bottom of the container. Where, oh where did I go wrong?

In spite of the outcome, and the leftovers still in the refrigerator, I will be doing it again in a week or so. It certainly has potential.

Maybe the hot curry was just what Haydn needed to kill of those cold germs which were probably picked up when he stood in the rain with Sonya, waiting for the courtesy coach last Friday night.