'Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong - sometimes it's letting go.'
- Author Unknown
Although I attempt to keep personal details of my relationship with Haydn private, I am in desperate need of counsel. You, my 'Blog Buddies are 'it!'
Sunday at the farm is our morning to 'sleep in' and listen to the radio although, as retirees, we are able to do pretty much as we like. We had made plans to breakfast at the local B & B, which meant there was no rush. At 7.20am we were disturbed by a phone call from K, a friend and neighbour of Haydns [he had previously made it clear she was his friend.] I was not told exactly what K said; Haydn mumbled something to her along the lines of 'maybe' having something to do. He told K he would ring her back. When he spoke to me he said that D [K's partner] would need to go back to hospital. Haydn knew that D was supported by a fully trained nurse; both K and D are nurses. A friend, up from Sydney for the weekend was there to help. Haydn had given K a hand to muster her cattle on Saturday as she needed to get them ready to be trucked.
There has been an ongoing problem in my relationship with Haydn since he befriended K and D. On Sunday, his language made it clear that he felt some kind of obligation to help K. I suggested he just go ahead as our outing was spoiled anyway. He has always chosen to act defensively when K is involved. Is it my problem that I feel I play 'second fiddle' when K is involved? I reminded him of a previous occasion when there was an incident and I made it clear to him that it may come to making a choice between the two of us. I was frightened by his reaction on Sunday; I know he has a temper, while I am a pacifist. While I remained cool, he swore at me, telling me that I had 'pushed' him too far. There was slamming of something in the laundry, although I could not tell what was happening as I simply went about organising my medications with my back to him. I think it was a quote from Shakespeare that went something along the lines of - 'methinks he doth protest too much.'
I was bewildered! It seemed like a simple matter to explain to K that we had made plans for breakfast. It was self-explanatory! Maybe I am a simpleton! To be kind to me he may even have been able to apologise on behalf of K for the early morning phone call. Instead of that he was determined to help her no matter what cost.
The situation reminded me of why I felt the need to see a therapist. Has the isolation of life at the farm, along with being in a relationship that appears to be lacking in love, finally caused me to drop my bundle? Unfortunately, D has had several operations since February when her kidney was removed. The past being the best predictor of the future leaves me thinking that, with my own deteriorating condition, I may well find myself alone at the farm, while Haydn tends to K and D. I intend to avoid that at all costs!
'The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.'