Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Feeling Let Down and Disappointed

'Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong - sometimes it's letting go.'
- Author Unknown

Although I attempt to keep personal details of my relationship with Haydn private, I am in desperate need of counsel. You, my 'Blog Buddies are 'it!'
Sunday at the farm is our morning to 'sleep in' and listen to the radio although, as retirees, we are able to do pretty much as we like. We had made plans to breakfast at the local B & B, which meant there was no rush. At 7.20am we were disturbed by a phone call from K, a friend and neighbour of Haydns [he had previously made it clear she was his friend.] I was not told exactly what K said; Haydn mumbled something to her along the lines of 'maybe' having something to do. He told K he would ring her back. When he spoke to me he said that D [K's partner] would need to go back to hospital. Haydn knew that D was supported by a fully trained nurse; both K and D are nurses. A friend, up from Sydney for the weekend was there to help. Haydn had given K a hand to muster her cattle on Saturday as she needed to get them ready to be trucked.
There has been an ongoing problem in my relationship with Haydn since he befriended K and D. On Sunday, his language made it clear that he felt some kind of obligation to help K. I suggested he just go ahead as our outing was spoiled anyway. He has always chosen to act defensively when K is involved. Is it my problem that I feel I play 'second fiddle' when K is involved? I reminded him of a previous occasion when there was an incident and I made it clear to him that it may come to making a choice between the two of us. I was frightened by his reaction on Sunday; I know he has a temper, while I am a pacifist. While I remained cool,  he swore at me, telling me that I had 'pushed' him too far. There was slamming of something in the laundry, although I could not tell what was happening as I simply went about organising my medications with my back to him. I think it was a quote from Shakespeare that went something along the lines of - 'methinks he doth protest too much.'
I was bewildered! It seemed like a simple matter to explain to K that we had made plans for breakfast. It was self-explanatory! Maybe I am a simpleton! To be kind to me he may even have been able to apologise on behalf of K for the early morning phone call. Instead of that he was determined to help her no matter what cost.
The situation reminded me of why I felt the need to see a therapist. Has the isolation of life at the farm, along with being in a relationship that appears to be lacking in love, finally caused me to drop my bundle? Unfortunately, D has had several operations since February when her kidney was removed. The past being the best predictor of the future leaves me thinking that, with my own deteriorating condition, I may well find myself alone at the farm, while Haydn tends to K and D. I intend to avoid that at all costs! 

'The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.'
Eleanor Roosevelt


Cheryl said...

Sorry readers.
Appear to have a problem with my formatting;the spacing is not right.
May make for more difficult reading for which I apologise.
Love and friendship Cheryl xo

Diana Doyle said...

Hi Chez,

Sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else you are coping with....I know when I'm feeling vulnerable, my emotions become magnified.

I do think however, if I was to put myself in your shoes I would also be hurt, angry and confused as to why K would be put before yourself.

Men are strange creatures sometimes...I guess only through asking H for answers, honest answers will you get the information you are looking for.

Above all, I think you have to be is too short to be anything but and I hope you can do whatever you feel you need to do to get back to the 'happy, positive' Chez I've got to know.

sending a hug, hope you sort this out so you can focus on your health.

with love
Diana x

Kaz said...

Chez for me think you should of came first,we have talked on this so i am saying i wish you lived nearer to your family and friends.Know it is so hard when you are alone on the farm with phone and internet to be your only contact my friend.

Sending big gentle tender hugs from miles across.

Love Kaz.xo

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

Hi Cheryl
I feel your fear at being left alone during a time where you need so much support. It seems that Haydn is becoming overwhelmed with the responsibility of being at your beck and call and now it seems he has taken on dealing with his neighbor's health problems too helping with the farm chores even though the neighbors seem to have a larger support base. It doesn't quite seem fair to you as he should help you first but maybe he is getting a little break, even though it seems like he is working hard, by helping them too.
You are going through so much and it doesn't seem fair to burden you with what you should do but I am guessing he does not like ultamatums and it will back him into a corner if you say 'Her or me'. He will choose you but he will resent it.
I have to confess that I am not too good at these interpersonal relationships and I should keep quiet but I don't want you to feel neglected. I think by now both of you have probably cooled down. I know that cancer causes so much stress. It certainly affected me even though my cancer did not spread.
His 'tantrum' shows that he is under much stress too. I am sure he wants you to get better but is powerless to effect this.

Rama Ananth said...

Dear Cheryl,
I also feel that you are over reacting to this issue. However, it is natural for you to do so, and we all must understand one thing, that there is no wrong or right in any situation, for you are right in feeling the way you feel and he may be right in doing what you are feeling is not right on his part too.
Yes an outing was cancelled and you are disappointed, but you can always look beyond such minor things and let go.
After a reasonable time has gone by you can tell him, how hurt his behavior made you feel, and who knows it would also give him a chance to give you the right answer. Remember it s no use beating yourself with all the questions for which the answers are expected from him.
I am sure you would soon blog about it, and tell us how mislead you were at that point of time to think differently.
Wishing you the very best in life, love, Rama.

Debby said...

I agree w/ Rama.

You have spoken before of Hadyn's need to help. He seems like a good person who tries to do the right thing. He is not perfect. None of us are.

He is a helpful person, and someone needed help. He responded in the way that his nature dictates he would.

This disappointed you, because you had different plans. You can let go of your hurt and address it with him when you are less emotional about it. Remember, however, that no matter what, we will be hurt by the ones we love. It is not betrayal. It is a simple fact of life. (We hurt them, sometimes, as well.) Because we love the other, we deal with the hurts and we move on. Because love is worth it.