Dastardly December Decisions

'Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.' - Author Unknown

The process of grief is multifaceted. According to Barbato and Irwin 1992 grief is fundamentally an emotional response to loss, the expression of which can include, sadness, sorrow, fatigue, depression, anger, guilt, anxiety. The list goes on! Although I feel that I have managed to avoid many of these symptoms it would seem that, intermingled with similar after-effects of Breast Cancer, I may not be the person I think I am . Much has been written about the effects of both grief and breast cancer/cancer on relationships. We know that many do not survive. I had considered myself to be one of the lucky ones.

It is now 5 years since my surgery. I am just one year into my treatment with Femara; 4 to go! God willing! It is nothing short of a miracle that I am still here. Somewhere along the way it appears that I have lost myself. According to Haydn I have not recognised the loss. Although I consciously grieve for the many losses in my life, I had not been aware that I might also be grieving for the loss of self. Haydn is struggling with the person I have become while I would have said he did not even notice. He simply gets on with his life. I understand Haydn's frustrations. After all, he is my ex-husband; I know him well. We have been together 14 years. Although we separated, later divorcing, we have never been apart. I simply moved out, taking Jeremy with me. This I did to protect myself and my child. We continued to fraternise.

I have noticed for some time that the relationship has become strained. I am used to Haydn and his need to retreat into his 'cave' at the appropriate times. It is his 'thinking' time. I was quite unprepared for the outcome this time. For the first time he laid his cards on the table with complete honesty. I appreciate that. Many things were said. It is not my intention to go into them here other than to say that it has given me plenty to think about.

Each time I go to discuss the situation I burst into tears. He then says it would have been better to say nothing as he cannot handle my tears. I reassure him that tears are good and I wish I had cried more as they are a great emotional release. There is no shame for him to admit that he feels let down by what has happened in his life and wants to 'grab' life and run with it. Strange, I feel exactly the same way. The question is 'Can we do it together?'

Haydn feels he is 'missing out' while I see him as 'living his dream.' He loves the farm. Being out in the paddocks, on his tractor, or with his cattle is what he loves to do. He has the freedom to hop in his vehicle and go wherever his heart takes him. His family are close by; he can see them whenever he chooses. There are things in our relationship Hayd finds difficult. At just 63 he has much to look forward to. With the 'right' partner, in good health, life could be good for him.

On the other hand, I rely on him to take me to appointments. I miss out on so much rather than ask him to give up his time. I miss my family and my friends. I love my cyber friends who fill a HUGE void however, I miss personal contact. I feel the need to find my passion! I am no longer interested in 'housekeeping' and the fatigue prevents me from participating in many activities.

It is interesting to note that Haydn does not share the same point view. I am grateful to him for his honesty and have explained that this is like a game of 'hot potato.' The 'hot potato' is in my hands and it is now up to me to decide what to do with it. My feelings are that this is something I need to 'hang onto' until the New Year, providing I don't get burnt.

At the end of the day it takes two very special people to survive all that we have experienced in our lives. Simply put, maybe we are not the people we thought we were.

I think I will have a look at the movie EAT PRAY LOVE. There may be something there for me.

Trying Times!

A cancer diagnosis can change the dynamics of a  family. Without doubt, it changes the way we interact. It seems to me, as we journey through life, and through no fault of our own, we sometimes find ourselves right where we do not wish to be. I am thinking of myself, and many of my friends, as I say this.

There is a sadness in my heart as I write this post tonight, however I need to go back in time to set the scene. At the time of Jeremy's accident I was fortunate to learn about the potential of memorial websites. As I could find nothing in Australia, I set up a Memory-of  site which I think originated in the USA. While reading personal stories on other sites, I observed the amazing graphics that set these sites apart. I wanted that for my child and yet I had no idea how to go about achieving it.. I wrote and asked a family how they managed to have the precious photos of their loved ones converted  into keepsakes for life. I was then told about Angel Families Online. I immediately joined and found myself surrounded by the most amazing, caring, individuals going out of their way to ease the pain of the grief journey. As a way of finding an outlet for their grief, Angel Family members 'connect' with those of us struggling to come to terms with our loss, while at the same time lighting candles to help ease the pain and keep their Eternal Flame burning.

Little did I know at the time that I would also find the love, strength and support essential to me in my battle to beat this disease (cancer) and find quality in my daily life. If you imagine (for just a moment) our move to the farm, at the time of our retirement, and my cancer recurrence shortly after. It is all thanks to my online friends that I have not hit 'rock bottom' spiralling downwards into depression. It is my little band of friends, reading my blog, phone calls occasionally, lighting candles for Jeremy and leaving messages on FaceBook that bring joy to my days. With my disability, and unable to drive distance, I feel 'sort of' trapped at the farm. This is certainly a time to say 'thank you' for all that you do to get me through the days. I have formed such beautiful friendships in the blogging community also that I am quite excited at the prospect of using Nuance's Dragon Naturally Speaking software that will allow me to 'talk not type' for my entries. Once again, it is thanks to my blogging friends Alli and Spun Chops  that I have become aware of this software.

So, today it was a call from my very special Angel Family friend Kaz, with an update on yet another, recently diagnosed with lung cancer, that got me thinking about the effect of illness, and in particular cancer, on family members. In this case the patient is struggling to come to terms with the fact that she is estranged from her daughter at a time that she really wants to be able to enjoy, and share, the love that has always been there. I understand this situation as I found last year, while undergoing radiotherapy, it took enormous courage for my daughter to call me and tell me that she simply was unable to cope with my illness, and treatment, at that time. I appreciated her honesty, and, as difficult as it was for both of us, I understood her need to suspend contact for as long as it took. I knew that it was nothing to do with love, or lack of,  it was simply more than she could cope with at the time.

Megan lived on a farm with Ned and Bert after we moved from Lakes Entrance to Newcastle. Ray had wanted to make the move to be closer to his elderly mother as his illness progressed. This allowed Megan to keep her horses and not pay agistment. Today I was taken back in time to Ray's visit to Megan at the farm just prior to his passing. He asked Bert to take care of 'his little girl.' Megan was 18 when her beloved father died.  Bert was there for her when her own Dad could not be. She later had to deal with finding Bert face down after a massive heart attack. She put everything she could into CPR, doing her utmost to revive him and keep him alive until the ambulance arrived. Unfortunately, Bert did not make it. She was then instrumental in organising his funeral. She was also very close to Jeremy. Each Christmas he would do the 15 hour coach trip, on his own, to Lakes Entrance, where he would spend the Christmas holidays with Megan and the children. He also lived there for some time when he returned to live in Victoria after my breast cancer diagnosis. Quite simply, Megan has been too close to death for too many years. I understand how difficult it is for for her to deal with my illness. She is currently undergoing a 12 month treatment programme herself, and, for the first time in my life, I feel completely useless as a Mother. When I so desperately want to be there for her and the children, I am simply unable to take care of myself, let alone my family. My beautiful daughter understands this. She recently posted on my FaceBook  wall:
......'I love you ma xox and i miss you terribly I wish we lived closer and you were in my life every day, i would chop all your vegies and feed you like a queen and be your other arm.. my kids would be everything else and I have an 8 seater wagon which means i could drive you everywhere x0x I LOVE YOU'

Tonight I give thanks for my life, knowing that I may use the gifts that you bring to our friendship enabling me to grow to be the person I would most like to become. I am grateful for the many blessings that come with your friendship.  Love and gratitude dear family and friends. You are teaching me well.