What does it Mean?

'Half of what I say is meaningless; but I say it so that the other half may reach you.'

- Kahlil Gibran

Somehow I cannot help but feel that darkness has surrounded me for longer than I would like. I have taken a step forward in search of the love, light and laughter that was once my very being. This will be a brief post; to keep Indigo Dreaming alive.

Tomorrow I see my doctor and will be asking him about my test results. I do not wish to feel overly excited, however, I look forward in anticipation to the possibility that he may be able to make a phone call on my behalf. It would be wonderful to learn the outcome of the tests prior to 24 February.

It seems I have not become totally absorbed with my own problems; I am in receipt of an email that has humbled me. I consider the outcome a Gift from God. Shortly after Jeremy's accident I was fortunate to learn of Memorial web sites. I felt that setting one up would give me an interest and also provide the perfect opportunity to keep my son's memory alive. While looking at other sites I realised graphics were being done to enhance the sites; I had no idea how to go about making them! I became aware that as my photos were not digital, I had to work out how to scan them to give me images to work with. It is amazing to see just what can be achieved by a very determined Mother mourning the loss of a much loved child. Jezz would be proud of me!It all seems so long ago! I became involved with a group called Angel Families Online where I formed the most amazing friendships and received all the help I needed. In the process, I learned to do simple graphics while finding others who willingly gave up their time to assist me. The result can be seen here:

http://jeremy-radford.memory-of.com/About.aspx

Many Memory-of friends are also FaceBook friends. I feel sure the writer of the following email will not mind that I have chosen to share it with you. She writes, (in part only:)



 'I always went to your son's page because he was a so special. God sent him to you and he was your 'miracle' baby. I have seen the pics of the whole breast procedure on fb and it brought tears to my eyes.  I have a mass on my left breast. I ignored going to specialist until seeing this. You have taught me a lesson.'

I have chosen to share just a small portion of this email, rather than keep it private. It is my intention for readers to seek counsel thus providing a plan of action and appropriate treatment. It is important to understand that early intervention usually provides better outcomes. 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself.'

P.S. My doctor proved himself to be worth his weight in gold today. A quick phone call and my results were on his computer screen ready for viewing. My bone scan does not show any bony metastases which is good news for me.  CT Scan not as clear. There appears to be a 6mm node with poorly defined margins in the right neck. There is also an enlarging nodule in the right pectoralis now measuring 18mm. There is also a rounded 12mm nodule at the medial edge of the scar which has changed. Suspicious change in the area of the right inferior lung which may reflect further benign change or small new mass. Whew!!!!!

So my dear friends, having decided that my doctor's room will, in future, be used as a crying room I can start anytime. This is not necessarily news I wanted to hear, however, it is not something I will unduly concern myself with until I have the opportunity to discuss my condition with my oncologist. At the end of the day, I am still waiting for my appointment on 24 February. And. I did survive January 2011!

My love and gratitude to all. Chez xo

Trying Times!

A cancer diagnosis can change the dynamics of a  family. Without doubt, it changes the way we interact. It seems to me, as we journey through life, and through no fault of our own, we sometimes find ourselves right where we do not wish to be. I am thinking of myself, and many of my friends, as I say this.

There is a sadness in my heart as I write this post tonight, however I need to go back in time to set the scene. At the time of Jeremy's accident I was fortunate to learn about the potential of memorial websites. As I could find nothing in Australia, I set up a Memory-of  site which I think originated in the USA. While reading personal stories on other sites, I observed the amazing graphics that set these sites apart. I wanted that for my child and yet I had no idea how to go about achieving it.. I wrote and asked a family how they managed to have the precious photos of their loved ones converted  into keepsakes for life. I was then told about Angel Families Online. I immediately joined and found myself surrounded by the most amazing, caring, individuals going out of their way to ease the pain of the grief journey. As a way of finding an outlet for their grief, Angel Family members 'connect' with those of us struggling to come to terms with our loss, while at the same time lighting candles to help ease the pain and keep their Eternal Flame burning.

Little did I know at the time that I would also find the love, strength and support essential to me in my battle to beat this disease (cancer) and find quality in my daily life. If you imagine (for just a moment) our move to the farm, at the time of our retirement, and my cancer recurrence shortly after. It is all thanks to my online friends that I have not hit 'rock bottom' spiralling downwards into depression. It is my little band of friends, reading my blog, phone calls occasionally, lighting candles for Jeremy and leaving messages on FaceBook that bring joy to my days. With my disability, and unable to drive distance, I feel 'sort of' trapped at the farm. This is certainly a time to say 'thank you' for all that you do to get me through the days. I have formed such beautiful friendships in the blogging community also that I am quite excited at the prospect of using Nuance's Dragon Naturally Speaking software that will allow me to 'talk not type' for my entries. Once again, it is thanks to my blogging friends Alli and Spun Chops  that I have become aware of this software.

So, today it was a call from my very special Angel Family friend Kaz, with an update on yet another, recently diagnosed with lung cancer, that got me thinking about the effect of illness, and in particular cancer, on family members. In this case the patient is struggling to come to terms with the fact that she is estranged from her daughter at a time that she really wants to be able to enjoy, and share, the love that has always been there. I understand this situation as I found last year, while undergoing radiotherapy, it took enormous courage for my daughter to call me and tell me that she simply was unable to cope with my illness, and treatment, at that time. I appreciated her honesty, and, as difficult as it was for both of us, I understood her need to suspend contact for as long as it took. I knew that it was nothing to do with love, or lack of,  it was simply more than she could cope with at the time.

Megan lived on a farm with Ned and Bert after we moved from Lakes Entrance to Newcastle. Ray had wanted to make the move to be closer to his elderly mother as his illness progressed. This allowed Megan to keep her horses and not pay agistment. Today I was taken back in time to Ray's visit to Megan at the farm just prior to his passing. He asked Bert to take care of 'his little girl.' Megan was 18 when her beloved father died.  Bert was there for her when her own Dad could not be. She later had to deal with finding Bert face down after a massive heart attack. She put everything she could into CPR, doing her utmost to revive him and keep him alive until the ambulance arrived. Unfortunately, Bert did not make it. She was then instrumental in organising his funeral. She was also very close to Jeremy. Each Christmas he would do the 15 hour coach trip, on his own, to Lakes Entrance, where he would spend the Christmas holidays with Megan and the children. He also lived there for some time when he returned to live in Victoria after my breast cancer diagnosis. Quite simply, Megan has been too close to death for too many years. I understand how difficult it is for for her to deal with my illness. She is currently undergoing a 12 month treatment programme herself, and, for the first time in my life, I feel completely useless as a Mother. When I so desperately want to be there for her and the children, I am simply unable to take care of myself, let alone my family. My beautiful daughter understands this. She recently posted on my FaceBook  wall:
......'I love you ma xox and i miss you terribly I wish we lived closer and you were in my life every day, i would chop all your vegies and feed you like a queen and be your other arm.. my kids would be everything else and I have an 8 seater wagon which means i could drive you everywhere x0x I LOVE YOU'

Tonight I give thanks for my life, knowing that I may use the gifts that you bring to our friendship enabling me to grow to be the person I would most like to become. I am grateful for the many blessings that come with your friendship.  Love and gratitude dear family and friends. You are teaching me well.