What does it Mean?

'Half of what I say is meaningless; but I say it so that the other half may reach you.'

- Kahlil Gibran

Somehow I cannot help but feel that darkness has surrounded me for longer than I would like. I have taken a step forward in search of the love, light and laughter that was once my very being. This will be a brief post; to keep Indigo Dreaming alive.

Tomorrow I see my doctor and will be asking him about my test results. I do not wish to feel overly excited, however, I look forward in anticipation to the possibility that he may be able to make a phone call on my behalf. It would be wonderful to learn the outcome of the tests prior to 24 February.

It seems I have not become totally absorbed with my own problems; I am in receipt of an email that has humbled me. I consider the outcome a Gift from God. Shortly after Jeremy's accident I was fortunate to learn of Memorial web sites. I felt that setting one up would give me an interest and also provide the perfect opportunity to keep my son's memory alive. While looking at other sites I realised graphics were being done to enhance the sites; I had no idea how to go about making them! I became aware that as my photos were not digital, I had to work out how to scan them to give me images to work with. It is amazing to see just what can be achieved by a very determined Mother mourning the loss of a much loved child. Jezz would be proud of me!It all seems so long ago! I became involved with a group called Angel Families Online where I formed the most amazing friendships and received all the help I needed. In the process, I learned to do simple graphics while finding others who willingly gave up their time to assist me. The result can be seen here:

http://jeremy-radford.memory-of.com/About.aspx

Many Memory-of friends are also FaceBook friends. I feel sure the writer of the following email will not mind that I have chosen to share it with you. She writes, (in part only:)



 'I always went to your son's page because he was a so special. God sent him to you and he was your 'miracle' baby. I have seen the pics of the whole breast procedure on fb and it brought tears to my eyes.  I have a mass on my left breast. I ignored going to specialist until seeing this. You have taught me a lesson.'

I have chosen to share just a small portion of this email, rather than keep it private. It is my intention for readers to seek counsel thus providing a plan of action and appropriate treatment. It is important to understand that early intervention usually provides better outcomes. 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself.'

P.S. My doctor proved himself to be worth his weight in gold today. A quick phone call and my results were on his computer screen ready for viewing. My bone scan does not show any bony metastases which is good news for me.  CT Scan not as clear. There appears to be a 6mm node with poorly defined margins in the right neck. There is also an enlarging nodule in the right pectoralis now measuring 18mm. There is also a rounded 12mm nodule at the medial edge of the scar which has changed. Suspicious change in the area of the right inferior lung which may reflect further benign change or small new mass. Whew!!!!!

So my dear friends, having decided that my doctor's room will, in future, be used as a crying room I can start anytime. This is not necessarily news I wanted to hear, however, it is not something I will unduly concern myself with until I have the opportunity to discuss my condition with my oncologist. At the end of the day, I am still waiting for my appointment on 24 February. And. I did survive January 2011!

My love and gratitude to all. Chez xo

I'm in Love!!!

'There is a light in this world, a healing spirit

more powerful than any darkness we may encounter.

We sometimes lose sight of this force

when there is suffering, and too much pain.

Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge

through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call

and answer in extraordinary ways.'

Mother Teresa

No! I am not in love with the man personally.  I simply love who he is and how he goes about doing what he does. I am talking about my new Oncologist. What a joy he has turned out to be!

It was June 2007 that I realised I had a recurring problem. Just 6 months after Jeremy's accident I discovered a lump in the region of my previous mastectomy. It was not until April 2009, and suffering considerable pain, that my problem was diagnosed. I was advised that radiation was my only option; recurrence in the brachial plexus a rare and painful condition. Thirty hits of radiation later I was given the 'all clear.' Unfortunately, within one month it was obvious that the 'problem' was far from 'fixed.' I was then referred to Dr Janine Lombard who was to become my Medical Oncologist. I saw her twice before she went on maternity leave. For the whole of 2010 I was subjected to different doctors with varying opinions.  As the result of a PET Scan in June I was told that my results were 'exceptional.' I was elated! It appeared that the results from Femara had exceeded all expectations. I became a little concerned in September when, yet a different oncologist disregarded my concerns for the lump which was growing on my clavicle, then.

I then spoke to my own medical practitioner who recommended a CT Scan in a letter to my Radiation Oncologist. My appointment was in December which did not seem to be the 'right' time to push for further testing, even though the size of the lump was increasing with several new hard lumps in the region of the chest wall. I decided that as my radiation oncologist was not concerned I would 'let go' of my own worries.

My appointment today was to see Dr Andre Van Der Westhuizen. I knew nothing other than his name and the fact that he had arrived from South Africa to take over my care from Dr Lombard. My initial reaction was favourable and within a short time I knew I had struck 'gold.' Dr Van Der Westhuizen informed me that I would be on Warfarin and Femara (or some form of chemotherapy) for life. When I said I thought it would be for a period of five years he quickly pointed out that was for patients not living with metastatic breast cancer. In answer to my concerns regarding the lethargy/fatigue he said that, unfortunately, will also be a lifelong problem.

Dr Van quickly noted the oedema/lymphoedema in my right arm, along with loss of function. He also appeared surprised to learn that I still manage to find a way to undertake yoga and Tai Chi classes. I pointed out that both are an effective means of moving the lymphatic fluid. On reading the clinical notes he was amazed to learn that no further testing had been recommended during my September consultation, given that the lumps were increasing in size. How could there be such dramatic changes in a three month period?

I was given a request for Ct Scan and Bone Scan. Somewhere there is also to be a scan of my liver. Doctor Van did make it clear that the lesions? on my clavicle and surrounding area are most unusual, especially as the area is often extremely painful. As a starting point, he feels a clear picture, indicating my current condition, is essential.

As we said our goodbyes he placed his arm around me and said gently 'I really hope these tests  give us a 'good' result!' For my part, I will make every effort not to worry unless I am given just cause.

What a delightful man!