Losing Oneself..

I am so excited!

It is interesting to be sitting here, knowing that thoughts have been rushing through my head for hours, as I contemplate this Post. It has been some time since I felt like this.

I had mentioned in my previous Post that the journey has been arduous. Why is it that when 'The King' has done so much for me over the months I feel like I am losing myself. There is the expectation that dinner will be served at the usual time and the house will be run as efficiently as it has in the past. I have completely lost the desire to be chief cook and bottle washer.

I am feeling that somewhere along the road, I have sacrificed myself. I hear Jeremy's words in my head. It was at the time of my breast cancer diagnosis and he told me that he would have to leave home as I did everything for him. He informed me that, if I learned to do it for myself, I would be alright. I am wondering if I have failed hopelessly, or if there is still time to learn to do things differently. Should it be the latter, where do I start?

I am feeling that 'The King' controls my life. I have learned that it is not good for our relationship to be together 24/7. I certainly appreciate the fact that he has, so willingly, driven me to appointments during my treatment.

We have one television at the farm and I have never been asked if there is a programme that I might like to watch. 'The King' controls the controls. The house has open plan living [not recommended with industrial deafness.] At times, it seems there is nowhere to go....

My lymphoedema is particularly bad, making typing and writing even more difficult. My fingers have become so dyslexic that I constantly touch extra keys. Proof reading is very important.

Living at the farm, in isolation, unable to drive the distance to Newcastle from Vacy, I ask myself how I can learn to make MY LIFE a priority and take better care of myself. This is absolutely essential if I am to live long enough to find my life purpose.

In saying all of this, I am grateful to have access to Tai Chi and yoga classes, which provide friendship and exercise, at a very reasonable rate. It is fair to say that Donna is by far the best yoga teacher I have encountered. It is not all bad at Vacy...

I believe the next three months could possibly be the most important of my life. This month I have Jeremy's birthday and Angel Date coming up. Once through that, I know that Christmas, followed by my birthday, is a very emotional time.

I believe the underlying problem is that I would never leave my child an orphan; my reason for living. How do I learn to live for myself?