Sunday, November 8, 2009

Losing Oneself..

I am so excited!

It is interesting to be sitting here, knowing that thoughts have been rushing through my head for hours, as I contemplate this Post. It has been some time since I felt like this.

I had mentioned in my previous Post that the journey has been arduous. Why is it that when 'The King' has done so much for me over the months I feel like I am losing myself. There is the expectation that dinner will be served at the usual time and the house will be run as efficiently as it has in the past. I have completely lost the desire to be chief cook and bottle washer.

I am feeling that somewhere along the road, I have sacrificed myself. I hear Jeremy's words in my head. It was at the time of my breast cancer diagnosis and he told me that he would have to leave home as I did everything for him. He informed me that, if I learned to do it for myself, I would be alright. I am wondering if I have failed hopelessly, or if there is still time to learn to do things differently. Should it be the latter, where do I start?

I am feeling that 'The King' controls my life. I have learned that it is not good for our relationship to be together 24/7. I certainly appreciate the fact that he has, so willingly, driven me to appointments during my treatment.

We have one television at the farm and I have never been asked if there is a programme that I might like to watch. 'The King' controls the controls. The house has open plan living [not recommended with industrial deafness.] At times, it seems there is nowhere to go....

My lymphoedema is particularly bad, making typing and writing even more difficult. My fingers have become so dyslexic that I constantly touch extra keys. Proof reading is very important.

Living at the farm, in isolation, unable to drive the distance to Newcastle from Vacy, I ask myself how I can learn to make MY LIFE a priority and take better care of myself. This is absolutely essential if I am to live long enough to find my life purpose.

In saying all of this, I am grateful to have access to Tai Chi and yoga classes, which provide friendship and exercise, at a very reasonable rate. It is fair to say that Donna is by far the best yoga teacher I have encountered. It is not all bad at Vacy...

I believe the next three months could possibly be the most important of my life. This month I have Jeremy's birthday and Angel Date coming up. Once through that, I know that Christmas, followed by my birthday, is a very emotional time.

I believe the underlying problem is that I would never leave my child an orphan; my reason for living. How do I learn to live for myself?

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

My dear friend Chez.
Only u can make the choices u need to make,but i understand how diffucult it is for you to be trapped so to speak.With Jeremy's dates coming and x-mas hard to go thru anything else,but u need to take the time and find out what is best for you. Maybe a few months away would help u do that and i know where do u go?? My friend my home is your home anytime.Wish we wasn't miles apart..I am here on pc or phone anytime u want to talk friend.
Love u lots girlfriend..Kaz..xoxo

Chez said...

I know Kaz. You have been such a loyal friend that I so wish I was well enough [with appropriate travel insurance] to get on a plane and come visit. Have laptop will travel. What a time we would have....
Thank you so much my friend xo

diane said...

OH Chez you are sounding a bit down but then you do have a mountain of problems.I know how you fell about the TV remote control. BB cuddles it while he watches. I have to beg to watch the soccer once a week. However, I am lucky that i don't have sore hands and I can sit in front of my computer.Can you manage a little walk around the garden when things get tough inside. Sometimes you have to be positive about the things you have got.Could you manage without the king? Hope you feel better after Christmas.

Chez said...

Diane, can say yes! yes! yes!
This has turned out to be by far the most difficult leg of the journey. Seems to be a common problem with males cuddling the remote. Guess having the computer, and having to limit my access, has proved challenging.
Weather is getting warmer and a walk in the garden will certainly help although I then live with the frustrations of so much to do and I am no longer able to do it.
All in all, I have much to be grateful for and being able to blog occasionally has become a highlight for me once again.
Thanks for dropping by.

Starry said...

it is no secret that I believe there is opposition in all things, so if you have lost yourself, you can find yourself, losing is nothing without finding.

as for telly I know it is the least of your problems, though I think you might deserve a telly of your own in a tucked away room. really i know it is the emotional part of not being considered that is the real issue, it would be nice wouldn't it, to be thought of, to be asked.... this i see is your deepest struggle, and just so you know, you are worth it. You are worth finding and carving out a place for yourself.

I will help in any way, as would any of your true friends, xxx Starry

Chez said...

Thanks Starry. Before reading your Comment I was chatting with the young woman from Community Care and, would you believe it, I suggested it is not a good idea to lose weight, which was the topic, as invariably we aim to 'find' it.
You are so right about the emotional issues; the real problem. I feel completely overwhelmed by housework and 'The King' at the moment.
As far as the telly goes Starry, I could go buy a new one any day so that is not the real problem.
Thanks for reminding me of the true gift of friendship.
Love Chez xo

mandy said...

Oh my dear Chez, I wish I could offer something positive for you but like you i`m in the same place....
I think one gets to a certain point in life, steps back and evaluates the what if`s....I know I have been....
One thing I have found is to talk to my hubby...I have been bottling so much up for so long now...
If the King is anything like my man , just maybe he hasn`t realized what has been going on...
As females we do know men are a little slow when it comes to our needs....
I do hope you can find a happy medium ..Thoughts with you as always..xxx

Debby said...

I guess that my suggestion would be to say exactly what I want. Then I would wait to see what happens. You'll either matter, or you won't. But at least you'd know.

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