Thank You for Holding my Hand

'When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.'

- Henri Nouwen

I have chosen this quote simply because it expresses how I feel 'at this time.' To those of you who hold my hand on this journey, you have my love and gratitude. I have learnt that it requires sensitivity and caring and is certainly your gift to me. Advice can serve no purpose at this time.

Today began with my monthly doctor's appointment. Yet again I left the Practice giving thanks for the day that Dr S became my Medical Practitioner. I could feel the sadness in him as he went about filling in forms that will allow free access to physiotherapy treatments for lymphatic drainage and also a request for ongoing Psycho Oncology services with Cath.  Dr S's facial expression, when he checked my wound, said it all. My Community Nurse had suggested I ask for his opinion on a nasty vein in the area. Her concern is that it may burst and, being on warfarin, could be frightening for me. Knowing what may happen allows me feel more comfortable. Dr S is now trying to keep me one step ahead of the pain by providing suitable pain medications. He has also suggested fortnightly visits, or more often if necessary.

From there it was off to see my Bowen Therapist who worked solely on lymphatic drainage which she has never done before. She estimated that my arm could contain as much as two to three kilos of extra fluid. I would say that is quite possible. I weighed myself this morning and my weight had 'shot up' three kilos in just over one week. It happened so easily. The treatment has certainly stirred things up; I have had to 'go within,' replacing pain with joy since the treatment. It is interesting to note the way the fluid has moved out of some areas. Instead of living with a swollen, lymphoedema limb, I now have a right arm that has ridges, lumps and dents. I am normally very careful when having manual lymphatic drainage as I did develop cellulitis on one occasion, post treatment. I normally see a therapist at the hospital, however, she has been away for a month and the next available appointment is the end of September; I simply could not wait that long. Dr S has suggested another physiotherapy practice, hence the Referral which will give me five free treatments.

Tomorrow we have another trip to Newcastle; it will allow me to keep my Psycho Oncology appointment. At times like this that I can see real benefits in relocating. Going back to town sounds like a plan. Dr S suggested it today and it is something that definitely deserves consideration. This is one of those times that I would like nothing more than for my daughter in Victoria to be well enough for us to spend lots of time together.

Who am I?

'Words of comfort, skillfully administered, are the oldest therapy known to man'

- Louis Nizer

It's official! I'm in therapy!

My appointment with Cath [Psycho Oncologist] went well on Wednesday. Why is it that after chatting for an hour, covering topics that I consider to be very beneficial, I do not remember the ground covered? I went in expecting to talk about my feelings of anger, mainly towards a particular member of hospital staff, and I left not having mentioned it even once.

Cath very quickly picked up that with so much happening to me at this time, I am in a position where it feels like I can't be myself. My identity is connected with my activities of the past; the very things that I have lost! It often seems to me that I am worthless; a feeling that does not sit comfortably!

'Human identity is the most fragile thing that we have, and it's often only found in moments of truth.'

-Alan Rudolph 

Not once did I heard her use traditional text book 'stuff.' We actually held dialogue. I was surprised when she referred to me as having Post Traumatic Stress. There was a brief explanation as to how it occurs with each new crisis increasing existing stress. I jokingly told her it was not a good idea to put a label on me as I just may want to live up to it

.

As the session drew to a close, Cath said she wanted to see me next week. It's important! I have homework. Love being in therapy; it brings with it a sense of peace!

I often wonder if I am the only one that has unanswered questions. Do you feel that you need help as your journey progresses?

Psycho Oncology Appointment

'Wisdom is to finish the moment, to find the journey's end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours.'

-Ralph  Waldo Emerson

Recently I met with my Breast Cancer Support Group [Group 33] for lunch. It had been several months since I had joined my friends at the monthly lunches. They found it necessary to summon me! These women are very good at giving me a 'reality check' and deemed it necessary.  It was good to get together! I felt the love; surrounded by people who care, making it good for my soul. It was the perfect opportunity for them to observe my lesion, as well as notice the changes in my manual dexterity. They were shocked!

Vickie, being the outspoken member of the group, with experience in both nursing and palliative care, decided that I needed help. Time for me to see a counsellor! She mentioned the name of a psychologist; fortunately it was one that I had seen previously when she was attached to the chemotherapy and radiotherapy departments at the hospital. A time was set for Wednesday 20 July.

There was much laughter during the 2 hour session; in fact it was freeing. Cath established very quickly that she felt I had a form of Post Traumatic Stress, explaining that it is quite normal, even to be expected, with each new crisis building on pre-existing conditions. I laughingly accused her of putting a label on me!  I felt a tremendous benefit in talking to a counsellor who, although she does not have cancer herself, works daily with patients who do, hence the name 'Psyco Oncology.'

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what we discussed during our session except that Cath indicated she felt it would be good to have a further session focusing on my feelings in regard to the hospital and possibly radiation damage.  It seems to me that with so many positives coming out of my appointments with my Health Care Professionals at the hospital, it is a shame to allow my feeling towards one young, inexperienced doctor, get in the way of all the good. It is possible that education and youth are no match for experience and wisdom. In my case following the text books has meant ignoring the fact that we are all individuals and there is no 'one size fits all' approach. My understanding is that this will change. It will probably not be in my lifetime, however, things are changing. There are approximately 60% of patients that will benefit from the tried and true research,  leaving a high percentage of the population that need to be treated as individuals. I think I know which group I come into! Hmmm...