Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Living with Loss

It has been too long! At last I feel well enough to begin writing once again.

I use the view from the farm house to meditate and reflect. The days are beautiful! We have had very little rain over the past months and yet the early morning mist still settles in the valleys. I love it!

I made the decision to do a quick Post after checking my Comments for the first time in months. Debby noted that she was to undergo a PET Scan. I decided to check her Blog, which resulted in this attempt.

The return of my cancer in the same breast has had ramifications leaving me to reflect on the loss in my life.

I was 12 the year my Father was taken from me in an horrific accident. He was travelling to work and the vehicle in which he was a passenger was hit by a train at a level crossing.

In 1965, just 5 years after my father's passing, I gave birth to a baby girl. As an unmarried mother, I had no way of supporting myself, let alone my beautiful baby girl. My daughter Carla was given up for adoption.

I suspect that these experiences strengthened me. Fortunately I had no idea of what lay ahead of me.

My life remained relatively normal until 1994 when my much loved husband of 27 years lost his long fought battle with cancer.

In December 2005 I had a mastectomy [after battling cancer in that breast from 2002]

I felt very much that the loss of my breast was another blow. At no time had I sought help to deal with my emotions, although I did find Prayer Counselling very useful.

The early months of 2006 were spent travelling to and from Dubbo; my Mother's health was failing. Mum died in October 2006.

There was no time to mourn her passing as my beloved youngest son Jeremy Jon was tragically killed in an horrific motor vehicle accident just weeks later. No mother ever expects to lose a child in her lifetime. A piece of me died with Jezz; my bleeding heart attempting to live with the loss.

The confirmation that my breast cancer had returned in April of this year meant my life was thrown into turmoil. I was taking Oxycontin for pain relief. It was actually a relief in some ways to find that there was a reason for the unbearable pain that had become my constant companion.

The cancer was back and actively destroying nerves and muscles; it had spread to the brachial plexus. [If you are not familiar with the brachial plexus, it is worth doing a quick search on the web.]

I was told the cancer is inoperable and incurable. Radiation the only form of treatment that would give me another chance at life.

The treatments presented no problems, although the radiation burns were very painful. It appears to have worked well on reducing the pain as I have been able to reduce my pain medication considerably.

Unfortunately, I completely lost the use of my right arm and hand. This was initially very confronting as it is my dominant hand. As I battle daily with the exercises to improve strength and fine motor skills, I have learned to accept that this is yet another loss that I must learn to live with.

There have been many tears shed as well as frustration at every turn. I have lost the desire to eat and the fatigue has almost beaten me on occasions. I have been unable to drive, due to the fatigue, and I feel that I have been imprisoned at the farm. Each time I leave the farm it is with Haydn behind the wheel and me in the passenger seat. I have missed my social outings and contact with girlfriends. Actually, it is fair to say I have missed my contact with friends, as this has meant that my blogging friends were also put on hold.

As you can see, there are times that I have felt like I have given up so much. Guess that is what has lead me to write about the loss in my life; I know your comments will educate and inspire me.

It feels good to be back.

17 comments:

Kaz said...

Hey Chez,
So nice to have you back,have missed the readings as u have missed being here.You have been on one long journey after another.sending you the gentlest hugs u could ever recieve..I so hope the exercise brings you to where u can do your writing the way u are meant to..so many love u my friend..Sweetie hope i remember how to leave this comment been a long time..
Lots of love and Butterfly Kisses..Kaz....xoxo

Breeze said...

I know we are supposed to learn from our losses but you have experienced so many that it seems so unfair. I've checked up on your blog occasionally just in case I've missed something, hoping you would be well enough to update and I am ever so grateful to see you here again. I'm glad your pain as lessened.

Take care, be happy now, and keep in touch.

Breeze

Michelle said...

Love to you. xx

Anonymous said...

Chez,to have u walk the journey of losing a child with me it meants so much as your heart is golden.Know Jezz is looking down saying u go Mum..Love ya..Kaz..xoxo

Diane Rodgers said...

Hey sweet Cheryl!!!
So so good to see you back on your blog!!!! Thank God I just read on fb you were back....so glad I didn't miss your first one. I know it will be the first of many as it helps you so much to write your feeling and thoughts, as it helps us to know you and love you even more reading them.

Having read this ....so much loss in your life from a young girl on...it breaks my heart you have had so much to overcome and have had to learn to live with so much pain. All of these terrible experiences have made you who you are today. A LADY...who has touched so many just by sharing her life honestly from her heart and her soul. Not being afraid to tell all and to just write it all down so you can learn your life's lessons and we in turn can learn from you...as so many of us have.

Having lived through so much pain and loss ...somehow you have emerged a beautiful rose...we all smell the sweet fragrance of your soul and we so feel the love you carry in your heart. With all you have lost and all you have been through... and are still going through with this cancer... I commend you my dearest friend ... For you have fought the good fight and no matter what happens ... You will be finally healed IN ALL WAYS... Your soul will be at peace and you will have God's agape love...100% ...You already have it and we are so blessed to have received the special gifts you share.

Thank you for sharing your life, your hard times, your losses, your grief, and loving so many who come into your fold!

Love to you always and forever,
Di....xox

diane said...

So good to see you back and hope you can manage to overcome the problems that have prevented you from writing. I often wondered why you had stopped blogging and hoped it wasn't illness but I was wrong. You have suffered so much in your life but yet you still can pick yourself up brush off the dust and get back into life again. I hope you continue to improve.I hope the King is supportive and you know your blogger friends are. You are an inspiration to us.

Debby said...

Thank you for your post. You know, I'm not sure what I'm up against, but your symptoms sound very familiar to me. I am sorry that you've had such a rough go of it. Really, I have to say, I found myself thinking that really, I've nothing at all to complain about.

Daria said...

I am so glad you are back and blogging.

Chez said...

Hey Kaz you did well with leaving not one but two comments.
It has been too long my friend and I had forgotten how good it felt.
Thanks for being here and for your welcome. This is what it is all about.
Got those butterfly kisses xo

Chez said...

Breeze, you are so right! I know that what you say is true and yet I am struggling to work out what these lessons are.
This has been a hard one, with moments of glory, as I learn to do more and more things with my right hand.
Always feels good when we overcome adversity.
Thanks for the welcome...

Chez said...

Diane I have more to say in response to your beautiful Comments that I will come back to you if that is OK? Have just a few minutes on here now..

Chez said...

Diane, not only was I not blogging, I was not following any blogs as I have been just too fatigued.
I cannot believe how hard this has all hit me. I do have a few ideas and think it will be another Post.
Not sure if you are on the road now or if you are writing about your travels after the event.
Anyway, will keep my eye out

Chez said...

Debby, this journey for me is about running with 'it' whatever 'it' may be.
I pray that you quickly find what the problem is.
You will find lots of love, encouragement and support from fellow bloggers.
God Bless

Sean said...

So very nice to see your thoughts in print again Cheryl. Kim and I were sitting outside chatting and the subject of why some people are given so much to deal with came up.
In the 'here and now' of course it seems very unfair, as Breeze said.
It truly is a test of faith to see some go through life so burdened. We wondered if, along our path of spiritual progression as we move closer to where we need to be, whether...possibly...the burden increases...perhaps like a final exam. Cheryl, we echo Diane's sentiment, you have touched so many, and through your arduous journey have shown empathy, selflessness and a positive outlook. You are very dear to us all...we love you.

Starry said...

Hi Chez, my first day back at blog and I have finally read your post. Well done on sharing, I know it can be hard but you are such an honest person and one who is capable of seeing life as a greater thing (the blinders come off for you!)all I can say is when something is lost, there is an opportunity for something else to be found.... and if anyone can find it you can.
love ya my brave warrior soul mate,
Starry

Dr. Swill said...

Hello Chez!

I wanted to let you know about an interesting cancer blog a group of cancer patients have been working on.

A fellow tongue cancer patient was sent home to die. There was nothing more that can be done. Cancer survivors ask him life altering questions.

Please read: http://beyondtheglassdoor.blogspot.com

Peace B

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