Way of the Warrior

'Generally speaking, the Way of the Warrior is the resolute acceptance of death'

-Miyamoto Musashi

On Thursday of last week I kept my appointment with 'Dr Amazing,' in spite of the fact that I had only commenced my first cycle of oral chemotherapy the day before. I find it interesting that when I make my appointments at the front desk, I invariably get a phone call prior to the date to say the time has been changed to 12.30pm which is the final morning appointment, thereby allowing more time for him to spend with us. I know how beneficial the time is for me and I would like to think it goes both ways. May God Bless you Dr Amazing! Up to that point, in my mind, I had continued to come up with any number of 'valid' reasons for delaying the chemotherapy process. Eventually, out of respect for the good doctor, and, as a 'duty' to myself, I gave in and took the first of my tablets.

Doctor made no comment regarding the delay. He simply explained that it did not matter what I did, this 'monster,' as I have come to refer to it, is not me. It is a mutation, distorted cells that have now chosen my body as a host. He again advised that, with my type of cancer, the success, or otherwise, was always an unknown. The consultation raised many emotions, firstly for Haydn and me, and then for the doctor. We let him know that we have discussed the situation at home and felt that retaining some 'quality of life' was more important than 'fighting,' doing battle to add maybe weeks or months to the natural outcome. As he observed the chest wall, he talked about his role in healing, doing what he is trained to do because that is his chosen field of work work. To prolong life is his aim. Here we are discussing the direction we have chosen and he shed a tear as he said he also needs to be able to come to the same place of acceptance in which we appear to be. It was rather nice to have him gather a tissue from the box and 'shed a tear' with us. I expressed my gratitude and thanked him for what I see as a real blessing. If I must go through this it is comforting to know we are on the same team.

He then asked about blurred/double vision, shortness of breath etc, explaining that he would like to do CT Scans to rule out spread to brain, lungs and liver. Given that I have had mild headaches and shortness of breath since my last scans, it makes sense to check particularly as my last doctor's visit with my General Practitioner led me to believe this would not 'kill' me. Where to from here then?

Although my local doctors tell me this is not common, I had an ACAT Assessment last week to see if I am eligible for Government funded assistance to 'free' Haydn up at home. The assessor was Chinese, very practical, with nursing experience in hospice and palliative care. She was not surprised by the description of my chest wall, saying it was quite common, even in young breast cancer patients. I liked her idea of trying yoghurt, which is apparently very cool and soothing. Definitely worth a try on a smaller area!

All in all, there are no real surprises. Tomorrow when I see my general medical practitioner, I will discuss with him the necessity of prescribing suitable pain medications knowing I would like to ensure I am as comfortable as possible for as long as possible.