IRE-Nanoknife

‘To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing’ – Author Unknown

I have just come from reading a Post by Nolly Posh (aka Vicki @ http://nollyposh.blogspot.com/2011/07/nanoknife.html on the subject of IRE Nanoknife. Thank you Vicki; this has given me new hope.  Apparently, this treatment, which can be performed on soft tissue cancers, is being utilised at the Alfred Hospital in Melbourne.

That in itself brings back memories. In March 1990 my late husband Raymond was admitted to the Alfred where he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. After more than 7 hours in surgery, his neurologist came out and broke the news. His words! 'This is very serious!' It was! At 48 years of age Ray was paralysed completely down the left side. At that time, we owned and operated, the Lakes Entrance Squash and Fitness Centre. Eldest son Damian was left in charge of the Centre, with help from a special friend Marianne Hocking. Jeremy, who was only 8, was 'off loaded' to an amazing family. The Allen family looked after him as one of their own. It is times like that you feel truly blessed to have such amazing friends.

Unfortunately, at that time it was determined that Ray also had a tumour on the lung. It was necessary for him to undergo intensive rehabilitation before he became a candidate to surgically remove the lesion on the lung. We were transported daily, by ambulance, from the Alfred to the Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre for Ray to undergo radiotherapy. The facilities were 'amazing' (there we go again with THAT word) in that they provided accommodation at all times which enabled me to be with Raymond 24/7. We were truly blessed to have a Cardio Thoracic Registrar on the ward that advised me to take Raymond home two weeks post op. Fortunately, he recognised that Ray was at risk of depression which could possibly have kept him there for an extended period of time. I remember the fear I felt as we left the hospital. Ray was only just out of the wheelchair. I need not have worried. As we drove through the Latrobe Valley, heading for Lakes Entrance, we stopped for coffee. From that moment Ray's condition improved. We were going home, after 18 weeks. The family would be waiting; we would be together again.

This post did not quite go in the direction in which I intended, however, it does give you a little more insight into my 'decision making' process. Either Ray or I have been on the 'cancer' journey since 1978. He lost his battle in 1994. I had a melanoma removed in 1996. With the exception of 2 years, either he or I have had cancer. I don't see,, or hear the fat lady

Tomorrow, I will be ringing my Breast Care co-ordinator to relay this latest information, in the belief that I will be well informed. Better able to make decisions that will do more good than harm. There has to be a way than chemotherapy.

A Family 'Affair'

A continuation of  'Was it a Coincidence?'

On the night of 21 November 2006 at approximately 10.25pm I replaced the telephone handset. Death hung heavily in the air of the room in which I sat. My life had been forever changed; I had absolutely no idea of just how much. How could I say goodbye to 'the love of my life?' Jezz was my reason for living after the death of his Dad; he had been my focus. At the time of my cancer diagnosis in March 2003 I knew I would survive. Quite simply, I had no intention of leaving my youngest son an orphan. Was it a coincidence that he was almost 12 when he said goodbye to his Dad and 12 years later I was saying goodbye to him? I sat. I talked. I wanted nothing more than to talk about 'my child.'

Haydn held me and let me talk. Claire sat with us for awhile. She sensed there was nothing to be said or done, so she retreated to her room. I suspect she got very little sleep that night knowing exactly how much of my identity was tied up with that of my child. Claire and Jeremy had a relationship built on trust. She stood up to her Father when she felt the need to 'protect' Jeremy from Haydn. It was interesting to watch! Just as Haydn THOUGHT Claire could do no wrong, I KNEW Jeremy was always right! That's my truth and I'm sticking to it!

Haydn donned work clothes knowing full well that as Managing Director there was preparation to be done for our absence. It was 3am when he left the house. The sun rose soon after although it brought with it no joy. Time to book seats on a flight to Melbourne. Most of my personal things were at the farm. It would mean a trip to the farm before heading to Williamtown to catch the flight. I sat in silence for some time. The call to the airline left me feeling completely 'ripped off.' Good old Qantas, the Spirit of Australia! I was charged an arm and a leg for a booking based on compassionate grounds. Maybe money was not the real issue! The fact of the matter was the reason for making the trip.

Damian had asked me to find about 30 pictures of Jeremy for a video display. It was a mad rush to get to the farm, followed by the airport in time for the flight. I remember so vividly our arrival. We let the travelator take us up to where Damian and Jascha waited. I fell into Damian's arms asking 'How did this happen?' He simply said 'Mum, he's just a naughty boy!'

That nigh I had my first real experience of words coming into my head. Words that had meaning but did not appear to be of my doing. I definitely was in shock, not myself. As Haydn and I entered the kitchen the following morning I asked if Damian or Tyneal could help. I had been given  the words 'You are so Beautiful.' Damian laughingly asked where I had been hiding during the 60's and 70's as I was giving him the words of a song sung by Joe Cocker. Bingo! I explained that Jeremy wanted that song to be played for me. A real turn around! I was unsure! Should I do it? Damian put Megan in charge of music and she had a copy of the CD. After listening to it she gave her approval and claimed it was perfect!

Is it possible to have the pain of the worst time of your life eased by the love and experience of family? My beautiful Number 1 son, together with his future bride Tyneal took over the arrangements for the funeral service. Jeremy was still at the morgue at the hospital in Bairnsdale. We were together in Melbourne; a distance of 350 kilometres.  Was it yet another coincidence that Damian was employed by Tobin Bros as a Funeral Director's Assistant and I was preparing to become a Funeral Celebrant?

This was our first day in Melbourne. Damian had asked Tobin Bros if they would be prepared to undertake the service. That would mean several trips between Bairnsdale and Melbourne and yet it seemed 'just right.'.

So! We had one song from Jeremy to me. I had the following verse in readiness for the days that I would become a Funeral Celebrant, and was prepared to read it myself.  I had never thought it would be at my own son's funeral and yet it was 'perfect:'

A Child Loaned

‘I’ll lend you for a little time a child of Mine,’ he said,

‘For you to love the while he lives, and mourn for when he’s dead.

He may be six or seven weeks, or 24 years, or three,

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me?

He’ll bring his charm to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,

You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,

And from the throngs who crowd life’s lanes I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labour’s vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call and take him back again?’

I fancied that I heard them say, ‘Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

For all the joys Thy child shall bring the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness; we’ll love him while we may

And for the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay.

But, should the angels call for him much sooner than we planned

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

We knew that there was much work to be done in readiness and yet, as a family we had the belief that with God's Grace, all things are possible.



Was it a Coincidence?

If you read my blog frequently you will know that it is an eclectic reflection of my life. What is it that others may observe as 'thriving' in the face of adversity? My so called 'interesting' life is 'normal' to me. I know nothing else! Who am I to draw comparisons? I endeavour to learn, and inspire, from each new challenge and experience. If there is any truth in the thought that we are here to learn lessons, then I am going to learn quickly.

Was it a coincidence that I watched an episode of Packed to the Rafters on Tuesday night?  I was left with are tears streaming down my cheeks. Mel's death in a motor vehicle accident was just to close to home; so many memories.  Just as I am affected by the passing of anyone as a result of breast cancer, so to the emotion raw and unchecked as I sat watching the programme and Mel's death in a trafic accident.

I am taken back in time to the morning of Tuesday 21 November, 2006. Was it a coincidence that I received a text message from Jeremy?  I read the message and surprised him by calling, rather than texting a response. As usual, he was overjoyed to hear from me and did not try to conceal his pleasure. We chatted about the previous weekend; he had apparently had a fabulous time. It pleased me to hear that life was good to him, and that he was getting on with it. He let me know that he had decided to take more interest in his personal appearance, making an appointment to have his hair cut and coloured on the Thursday night. My thoughts were that there must be some truth in a comment made by a radio broadcaster...  young men began to mature around the age of 24. He had turned 24 just 5 days previously. I remember thinking to myself  'He is safe now.' We laughed together and, when his boss Nudge arrived to take him to his job as a plasterer, we finished our conversation. My final words on that morning, 'Love you Sunshine.' Little did I know these would be the last words between us. On reflection, or was it a 'coincidence' that Claire chose to comment that few things stirred feelings of envy in her, but our relationship was definitely up there. I don't remember to many times that Jeremy and I were together, or chatting on the phone, that there wasn't joy and laughter. Others sensed the shared energy;  his mates loved 'hanging out' at our place.

Was it a coincidence that I went to bed  at 7.45pm on that night  but had difficulty sleeping? Normally, I would sit with Claire watching our favourite television programmes. I was unsettled, continually telling myself to 'go to sleep' with no effect. It seemed odd that I was still wide awake, therefore not surprised when the phone rang at approximately 10.10pm. It seemed to confirm my worst fears. There had to be a problem! It was my  beloved eldest son Damian who, on this occasion, was the bearer of heartbreaking news. Damian, and Tyneal, live in Melbourne; a three hour drive from Bairnsdale. It still amazes me that it was Damian who received a phone call advising him of the tragic accident that took the life of his younger brother Jeremy.

I learned that Damian (who is employed in the funeral industry) and Tyneal (a then student at the Victorian Police Academy) on receiving the news, had made the necessary phone calls to the Bairnsdale police. It was confirmed that Jeremy was deceased. In the meantime, Megan had also learned of the accident and she rang me as Jason drove her to the scene of the accident. My understanding is that she was hysterical, and vomiting, unable to function. When she arrived and found the rescue workers cutting her gorgeous, 6ft 6in brother from the wreckage, she was inconsolable knowing that her bro was in that car. It was too much for her and the police asked Jason  to take her to the morgue at the Bairnsdale hospital to wait. It was the very place at which I had given birth to Jeremy 24 years previously.

I believe Megan regrets that she did not have the opportunity to hold Jeremy in her arms one last time. She was allowed only to view him from behind glass at the hospital, although she was the one to formally identify the body. If only I had known; I would have begged her to come to Melbourne to view his body. I believe it would have helped enormously with the grieving process. Was it a coincidence that Jeremy died with a smile on his face? In spite of the horrific nature of the accident that took his life he was smiling. Was it Michael's jokes, or was it because Jesus laid His hand on him and gently whispered 'Come with me?'

Jeremy was not alone as he took his last breath. Was it a coincidence that Jeremy was comforted by a complete stranger named Michael, telling him jokes as he held him in his arms? Jeremy received the sacrament of the Holy Spirit in Confirmation the year his Father died. Was it a coincidence he chose to take Archangel Michael as his Patron Saint? He wanted a powerful guardian angel! As onlookers stood around watching on that night, Michael made the decision to be there for Jeremy. He stepped up to the task knowing only to well the heartache of losing a child. He had held his own baby in his arms as he lay dying. I asked Michael later why he thought jokes were what was needed at that time. Michael simply said he felt he had been led. I will be forever grateful to Michael; I believe he truly was like a 'Guardian Angel' to Jezz.

Although there are some things that are blurred about that time, I am going to try to put some of the pieces together in the next post. I now believe it is possible to receive messages from our deceased loved ones.

All God's angels come to us disguised.
-James Russell Lowell

Celebrating Carla's Life

It was around the time of Carla's 30th birthday that she met me for the first time. Until then she  had lived with the pain of believing she was not wanted. She had been given up for adoption because there was no choice!

Ray had lovingly accepted Carla's birth - why else would he have given me flowers on the 19th October each year? Somehow, with living overseas followed by different states of Australia, I was unaware of the changes to adoption laws which were different in Victoria and NSW. Having done nothing to prevent my daughter making contact, I believed it was simply that she did not wish to. Shortly after Ray's passing the NSW adoption laws changed. I registered with the Reunion Information Register and was advised that Carla was also registered. Our names were exchanged by the New South Wales Department of Community Services. I was excited at the prospect of meeting the daughter that had been given up at birth. Nothing happened! I could not believe it. Surely my daughter knew I wanted her? I had been advised her name was Carla, I had been given a copy of her Birth Certificate.

In reality, my daughter Carla was working through the issues that had been confusing her for many years. Not being renowned for my patience, I waited as long as I could before picking up the phone to call the number I had been given. Carla and I began chatting and it continues to this day.

As we celebrate Carla's birthday today, I am using her words to complete this post:

'I was about 11 when my mum and dad first told me that i was adopted. At the time i didn't really understand so i just let it go.  When i was 15 i asked mum why i was adopted, she said because i was special, that my birth mother couldn't look after me and that her and dad really wanted a baby.  At 16 i asked them could they help me find my birth mother, mum was 100% supportive, dad didn't think it was a good idea, as far as he was concerned i was his daughter, so the journey began.  Mum showed me my adoption papers, next we put my name on the adoption register and waited, we visited the hospital where i was born to try to obtain any sort of information, unfortunately the hospital had closed and the records had been moved, by the time i was 19 i gave up with the thought it is her loss not mine, she obviously hadn't told anyone about me.  When i had my first son at 22 it all came flooding back, the unanswered questions who was i where did i belong, i couldn't understand how any mother could give her baby up, did she feel i wasn't worth it, i had to know so the search began again, to no avail, i was told that my birth mothers name was not on the register therefore she did not want to be conntacted, by this stage i really didn't care if i ever met her, i can remember though looking up all the townsends in the sydney phone book and ringing each number asking if cheryl lived there, so i guess deep down i wanted some answers.  Then the phone call came 3 days before my 30th birthday, the adoption agency rang and told me that my mother wanted to make contact, i just cried, i drove straight to mum and dads and told them they both cried with me.  i was so excited to  finally know what happened and why i was given up.  I still remember the first time she rang like it was yesterday, it was true i had another mother, we talked and talked and talked, it was always comfortable from day one, we finally decided to meet the following march at the sydney train station, me and my son and cheryl and her son. jeremy picked me straight away and from that moment i became his big sister, it was so overwhelming, i was nervous, happy, scared and so full of questions, but i needn't have worried because as soon as we saw eachother it all fell into place, we had the best day, i didn't ask many questions mainly because i just wanted this moment to last and knew that we would have plenty of time to ask and answer questions.  It has been 15 years since we first made contact and i am so glad that cheryl decided to take the step in finding me, not only have i met my best friend, my mother but a person that i am proud to call mum, we have a wonderful relationship and yes just for the record cheryl does nag and tell me how it is just like a typical mother but i wouldn't have it any other way.'

Thank you for coming into our lives Carla.

Another Way to Carry Raymond With Me

A visit from Adrian Quain, (Funeral Director) some time after Ray's funeral, provided an unexpected surprise. I was overwhelmed to learn that he had taken the liberty of collecting Ray's cremated remains from the Beresfield Crematorium, in order to minimise costs, and had been holding them on my behalf. He decided to take just the tiniest amount of Ray's created remains and to place them on the back of a Holy Card with the verse SAFELY HOME before having it laminated. He provided the explanation that this was not something he had previously undertaken and yet he was determined to do something 'unique' for me.

Adrian reiterated the affect the home visit had on him and the love he had experienced within the home. Guess it is slightly unusual to say that I not only carry Ray in my heart, but in my wallet as well. Oh well, I have often been accused of being 'different.'

Safely Home

I am home in Heaven, dear ones;

Oh, so happy and so bright!

There is perfect joy and beauty

In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over

Every restless tossing passed

I am now at peace forever,

Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly

Trod the valley of the shade?

Oh! But Jesus’ love illuminated

Every dark and fearful glade

And He came Himself to meet me

In that way so hard to tread;

And with Jesus’ arm to lean on

Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,

For I love you dearly still

Try to look beyond earth’s shadows

Pray to trust our Father’s Will

There is work still waiting for you

So you must not idly stand

Do it now, while life remaineth-

You shall rest in Jesus’ land.

When that work is all completed,

He will gently call you Home

Oh, the rapture of that meeting

Oh, the joy to see you come



When Enough is Enough

I believe that at the time I agreed to marry Haydn I undertook a role, although I probably did not recognise it at the time.

Haydn and his late wife Leigh were married for about 27 years; they have 3 children, all of them living in this region. Leigh was an only child and her death left a gaping hole for her Mother Dorothy [Dot] who is now 92 years of age. Daughter Alex is the only family member to take time for her grandmother.

Dot has enjoyed the most amazing health and is not coping well with the periodic burning sensation that she gets in her legs. Fortunately it is not always there. Either Haydn or I call daily to check that she is OK. We offer to help where we can although there are often time constraints as we struggle to fit in my medical appointments; we all know there have been plenty of those over the past two years. We regularly buy her beer and fruit and vegetables and take them to her. Yes! She enjoys a glass of white wine with lunch and a beer at night. I have mentioned previously that retiring to the farm was not a good idea; this is the time we need to be close to all services. The 180 kilometre round trip adds about 2.5 hours. They are often long days.

We have noticed lately that Dot has become very despondent and cries frequently during our phone conversations. Her eyesight is failing, making reading difficult. Apart from that, she is quite agile and lives alone. She would like to continue to live where she is as it is across the road from the shopping centre. The most pressing problem appears to be that she has outlived her friends and loneliness has become enemy number one.

She mentioned recently that she had gone to to Garden City shopping centre looking for the Target store. She asked directions and became so overwhelmed when she could not follow them that she found her way to the bus stop and headed for home with great urgency. When I suggested that Haydn and I would be happy to take her she thought it was a lovely idea as there was some shopping she would do there.

Today was the day! Funny thing is that when we arrived at the shopping centre she had no interest in looking in the shops. What do you do with a 92y.o. from 10.30am to 12.30 while waiting for granddaughter and great granddaughter to arrive? I suggested coffee and, although she was not interested initially, she succumbed, and so we sat down waiting for Alex and Amarlie to arrive for lunch.

Dot shared with me the fact that she is tired of living; the loneliness has left its mark and it is obvious that she now sees the glass as half empty. She is fast losing sight of the joy of living. The passion has gone.

I asked her what her feelings were on euthanasia. She says she agrees whole heartedly but does not feel she has the where-with-all so it is not an option.

I have just begun reading 'Denial of the Soul' [Spiritual and Medical Perspectives on Euthanasia and Mortality] by M Scott Peck. Being a believer in Eternal Life I am determined to learn my life's lessons knowing that it is not when or how I die, rather how I live that is important. I am prepared to put my trust in the medical system [and the Lord] to provide quality pain management and palliative care as necessary.

In the meantime I have just gone to make myself a cup of ginger tea. The honey jar was empty so I had to open a new one myself as Haydn is in bed. Just for the fun of it.... try putting your dominant hand behind your back and opening a new jar. Makes me smile as I endeavour not to let the frustrations overcome me. Who says I do not need to be in care?

Another Day

Another day...another doctor's visit.

The discussion appears always to be about side effects of medication; and therefore changes to same. I was disappointed to find that my INR reading was under 2 and, not quite at optimum level to prevent blood clotting. An increase in Coumadin to 6mg should give me an INR reading of between 2 and 3 within 3 to 4 days.

Once again, Dr Sales mentioned the obvious drawbacks of living at Vacy. I can say, with absolute certainty, that the decision to retire to the farm was not a good one, given my current health problems. What a good idea it seemed when I was healthy, and capable of driving myself wherever I wanted to go. An hour to Newcastle was nothing.

Somehow it seems I have made my bed, as my late Mother would say. Haydn is a farmer; this is HIS life. As I face my own mortality I miss my friends and the many opportunities to visit the local shopping centre for a cup of coffee. Or, to watch the world go by.

As I ponder my current situation it would seem I have a way to go to make any type of life changing decision. Dr Sales assures me I am a long way from going into care, which I had thought was probably my EASY option. Oh well! Back to the drawing board.

Of course there is also the option of believing in the countless possibilities of the mind. Telling myself that this arm is capable of doing everything that it is required to do. If I can do that, as well as getting my medications to the stage that I do not suffer from fatigue, then I could be back behind the wheel and participating in life once more.

Today was an example of just how things go pear shaped while in my current situation. Left home at 8.30am. Saw my doctor at 10am. Finished at 11am. Picked up prescriptions from pharmacy, grabbed some lunch for a 1pm appointment for Bowen Therapy which works a treat on my arm. Remember, Haydn is the driver and he gets to sit in our vehicle for the wait. Not much fun for him and, although he does not complain, I am reasonably sensitive these days. It seems to me, I have lost my freedom. I struggle with the knowledge that I have lost my independence.

As I sat enjoying the company of Ellen [receptionist], I found myself getting agitated when 1pm passed and1.30pm came around. Daphne was still with another patient. I knew that by the time she had finished with me it would be 3pm and, therefore we would be late getting home; Haydn becomes quite tired sitting around all day. I decided to leave without treatment. This would never happen if I was on my own. Why do I feel so guilty?

I know my intuition will tell me when it is time to make changes.

In the meantime I am reminded of the saying 'Things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out'

Another Tragic Accident

Damian and Jascha

As a family, our first opportunity to settle came when we purchased the Lakes Entrance Squash and Fitness Centre, Victoria in 1981.

Damian and Megan settled into St Brendan's School very quickly, loving the fact that they would not be expected to move again. We had always been on transfer status with Dad Ray working for International Harvester Company.

Damian very quickly made friends. Among his close personal friends, Geoff Bottom was a stand out.

In 1990 my late husband Ray was diagnosed with a brain tumour. Removal of the tumour left him paralysed down one side. At that time it was discovered that he also had a tumour in the lung.

Ray was no longer able to perform the duties that he loved so much at the Fitness Centre. The Centre was sold and we prepared for a move to Lake Macquarie as Ray wanted more than any thing else to spend precious moments with his elderly Mother. Knowing that he had limited time, this filled Ray's heart with immense pleasure, giving him a deep sense of peace and love. Pearl always referred to Ray as 'My Baby'

Ray, Damian, Jeremy and I made the move to Warners Bay. Megan chose to remain in Lakes Entrance giving her the opportunity to keep her horse and other animals.

After Ray's passing in 1994 we were a little lost. Geoff Bottom made contact with Damian and suggested that they move to Melbourne together. Geoff said later that it was a great move as Damian was an excellent cook and kept an immaculate house. He had been well trained!

The constant cleaning of the squash and fitness centre gave him good skills. The children well remember the hours spent sweeping floors, cleaning toilets and showers as well as the glass front door that patrons insisted on touching with their hands rather than using the door handles.

Living in Melbourne Damian met and married Amanda. Geoff, who was best man at the wedding met Melinda (Amanda's sister) as she was also part of the Bridal Party. They married shortly after. They made the move back to Lakes Entrance.

On Thursday evening there was a tragic motor vehicle accident in Lakes Entrance. Geoff's first born child JAY (Jascha's cousin) lost his life.

Geoff was in Melbourne, intending to catch up with Damian at the time of the accident. A very close family, Geoff's children were with their sister (Aunty Liz.) I understand all of the children were in the 4 wheel-drive vehicle at the time of the accident.

It is with a sad and heavy heart that we say goodbye to this precious little 10 year-old.

RIP

JAY BOTTOM

An Angel in the Book of Life

wrote down your babies birth.

Whispered as she closed the book

'Too Beautiful for Earth'