Help from the Australian Taxpayer

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

Is there such a thing as 'something' for 'nothing?' My answer to that would have to be 'yes,' and 'no.' Maybe I am a little confused!  I have always said that 'nothing' is 'free' and yet it seems I receive 'plenty' just  doing what I love. Writing my Blog gives me such pure joy that I  am in touch with these feelings  knowing that my Followers are growing in number. In the process I am left with Comments that gladden my heart, providing love, wisdom and so much more. I continue to meet the most amazing people to whom I am very grateful.

I am also grateful to my doctor and my dentist. My dentist advised me of an Australian Government programme providing dental treatment to patients living with chronic medical conditions, and complex care needs as verified by a General Medical Practitioner. I approached my doctor who duly ticked all the boxes and decided that I was indeed eligible for the programme providing AU$4,250 over two years. Although I am no longer a taxpayer, I have paid taxes all my working life. Maybe this is what Karma is all about?

Given that the condition of my teeth, and gums, are deteriorating as a result of medications taken to prolong my life it is imperative that I receive regular check-ups. It was at my scheduled appointment yesterday that I discovered there was a glitch in the system and my application had not been processed. On learning this Dr Amna Khan, my dentist, advised me there would be NO CHARGE for yesterday's consultation. Not only is she a wonderful dentist she is a superb human being.

So, to the Australian Taxpayers, my doctor, my dentist and Blog Buddies I say 'THANK YOU.'

Thanks also to my wonderful Case Manager Trish. I was excited at the prospect of having a Scribe for 4 hours. She was due here this morning at 10.30am  to do my Christmas Cards. I waited in anticipation, knowing there are friends with whom I have had no contact this past 12 months. A Christmas message lets them know I am still around. This is another funded service; maybe it's a case of 'good help is hard to find.' Apparently the Scribe claimed she could not find our place; rather than contact her employer for further instructions, she left the area.

I am left waiting...waiting....waiting.

From This..To?

From this...

On 5th December, 2005 I entered St Vincent's Private Hospital, Darlinghurst, Sydney to have this 'monstrosity' removed. As is the case with many things in my life, my tumour, growing on the outside, was considered to be just a 'little unusual.' I felt very blessed to have been referred to Dr Paul Crea who made suitable arrangements to act expeditiously;  the tumour was growing very quickly. It went from a pimple sized spot to a growth measuring over 6cm in only weeks. It seemed to be receiving a daily dose of  some sort of 'growth hormone.'

To this...

Given the 'monstrosity' Dr Crea was working with, it came as a huge surprise to find the end result was a nice, neat incision line, which would go on to heal nicely. There is no doubt, it is the work of a 'master craftsman!'

'There is a light in this world, a healing spirit
more powerful than any darkness we may encounter.
We sometime lose sight of this force
when there is suffering, and too much pain.
Then suddenly,
the spirit will emerge
through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call
and answer in extraordinary ways.

Mother Teresa

I awoke in recovery at approximately 5pm, after nearly 4 hours of surgery. Dr Crea explained that there was an unusually high number of blood vessels to be tied off. We are fortunate to have insurance to cover the costs associated with a stay in a private hospital. What that insurance does not guarantee however, is an appropriate rooming companion. All I remember of that first night in a shared room was a constant stream of doctors, nurses and a very vocal patient; my 'companiopn,' having undergone major back surgery, was in in pain! It was 'painfully' obvious that alternative arrangements should have been made for one of us! Somehow, we both survived that first long, painful night.


Night two I did my usual 'early to bed' in anticipation of sleeping soundly. It was not to be! At 9pm my inconsiderate companion decided it was time to make her very personal phone calls. The clock ticked slowly and the phone calls seemed to go on... and on... and on. The following morning I suggested to her that the arrangements were not working for me and it was my intention to approach the nursing staff in order to ask about relocating. My room mate was appalled and suggested I do nothing; she would make every effort to be mindful of her actions in future.


My five day stay in hospital went well from then on. It surprised me to find the food was good.  I was able to 'slip' (not literally) downstairs to have my hair shampooed and dried. The coffee shop allowed me to 'grab' a coffee to be enjoyed in the sunshine. Life was good - the future looked bright! 

Shh! Don't Talk

‘Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him when he falleth; for he has not another to help him up.’ – Bible: Ecclesiastes
Yesterday I suggested to Haydn that I would be looking to make plans to move next year. As you know, I struggle with the isolation and loss of independance. My cancer has robbed me of that!  As only Hayd could, he said  'Where would you go? Who would look after you, nobody wants you?' Good one Hayd! Fighting back tears, I said little except that the decision would be mine. And mine alone! I live with the belief that 'things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out.'

The past couple of days have been particularly difficult. There have been many tears shed, and much swearing, particularly when I found myself unable to throw the sheets over the line. I now have limited range of movement in my right arm and shoulder. My pain meds have been reduced in the hope that the chronic fatigue will miraculously disappear however, I am adjusting to increased sensations in the inflamed nerve endings.

 I have taken the following lines from  Paul who opened my eyes with his posting of Desiderata....
'But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.' 
It seems, at times, the fatigue and loneliness is 'playing with my mind.'

This afternoon Haydn arrived home with his 'Shh! Don't say a thing! Just listen to what I have to say.' He proceeded to tell me that he thinks it would be a good idea to buy a caravan. Last year we purchased a new Mitsubishi Pajero 4WD with that in mind. I think it was my decision that it was all too hard; my pain had returned with a vengeance and I was not in a good place. The thought of being organised enough to pack and unpack a van seemed like hard work. As the owner of industrial sheds in Newcastle, there is always work to be done; Haydn likes to be busy. We would be able to take the van down and stay for a few days, allowing Haydn to work on the sheds and me to receive much needed therapy for my lymphoedema etc. Of course, there would also be the opportunity for socialising. Haydn feels we could take the van across to the coast and spend time. I am a little uncertain as Hayd is a 'worker' and finds it very difficult to relax. He does not enjoy being a 'tourist' so it would mean changes. The big PLUS for me is that we would be able to visit my children. God willing. Yeah!

The Week That Was....

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”....Kahlil Gibran

Having felt that I successfully survived 'Spirit Child' Jeremy's Birthday on the 16th, followed by his Angel Date on 21st, I was totally unprepared to find everything come crashing down around me.

So what happened?

Maybe it had something to do with an email from my very special friend Starry. I think, from memory, that I was the first person to leave a comment on her new blog when she commenced blogging all those years ago over at Bigpond. It quickly became apparent that we shared something very special. The words of her email have touched me deeply; there is no better place to share, and invite your welcome comments.

.....'I've just been really absorbing all your blog posts I've missed even the ones in between times I've commented. You have been sharing so prolifically I wanted to give you my full attention. Your life shouldn't be something I just squeeze into a spare few minutes here and there, after all I find you a completely fascinating and inspirational person.

 I think I might also have been delaying reading as I sensed you might be trying to tell me you are going to move on soon and that I might have to acknowledge that to you... though I don't want to assume too much since as you say you are still alive, and you might not be quite ready to go yet. So how do I tell you what I think or feel? You have to know that I simply accept you. I totally respect you. I'd love it if you stayed forever, but I will never ask you to suffer more. I accept your journey and I accept the journey of our friendship and this acceptance is one of the most enriching experiences of my life. Jezz will tell you, I'm scrappy, I'm a fighter, but I'm learning from you how to be that and still have grace and dignity, you're a great role model for me Chez.'

Knowing that January is close, and I am fascinated by family members that have been born in the month of their passing into Eternal Life, it has always seemed natural to believe that would be the case with myself. Well! I thought that I was ready. But maybe not....

I believe that we are given situations in life that allow our own spirits to grow. The more our souls gain from our life's experiences, the closer we become to God. My choice is to become more 'God like'

The messages that I am receiving are slightly ambiguous. Yes! It would be easy to 'give in' to my illness. It seems I have been 'doing battle' to stay alive for so long however, I am not yet ready for it to end. I do believe that my life's purpose has not yet been achieved. So..thank you sweet Starry for the carefully chosen, and thoughtful content, of your email. I am planning on staying around, God willing, no matter how great the hardship.

Last night I watched as Altiyan Childs took out the finals of X Factor Australia. His version of 'Somewhere in the World' speaks volumes to me as I negotiate this journey of life. It has been tears, tears and more healing tears for me today. 

'Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.'

Kahlil Gibran

Oh No! Could it be Another Melanoma?

The week has not started well with this wretched fatigue being an ongoing problem. My morning Tai Chi class, normally uplifting, was tiring for some reason so I found my way to the sofa as soon as I arrived home. This afternoon, after checking the garden and spreading some fertiliser in anticipation of the rain, the fatigue got the better of me and I curled up on the lounge. There was no  sense of feeling refreshed when I surfaced. Not a good sign!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my regular General Practitioner, Doctor Milton Sales. The date is 16 November, which is also the birth date of my 'Spirit Child' Jeremy. The appointment will be slightly different to my 'normal' appointments which have come to be about prescriptions for medications and blood tests for INR levels. Being  on Warfarin for the blood clot means regular testing as many have discovered.

I have not had results for the Doppler ultrasound on the blood clot so that will be a priority considering the sonographer did not appear able to find either veins or clots! I now have a rash that is beginning to spread across the eyelid of my left eye. Having a problem on the left side is certainly different! Until now, everything that does go wrong is on the right side of my body. Yesterday, with the sun shining through the en suite windows giving better light, I checked the rash on my eye. That done I looked at the area on my jaw bone to see if the rash had spread further; there was an itchy spot which was annoying me. I was amazed to find a spot that does resemble something like a melanoma. I self diagnosed my own in 1996 having spent many years in melanoma clinics with my late husband. His Death Certificate gives cause of death as melanoma. As you can imagine, I am a little shocked. Actually, that is an understatement!! You would know from my writing that I believe it is not what is given to us that is important, rather what we do with what is given to us that teaches.... I really feel like I could do with a break about now. Then again, it may not be as bad as I think.

There has not been a lot of proof reading for this post as I simply wished to put my thoughts on paper before going to bed for m,ore sleep.

'Time does not always HEAL: it just breathes and swallows memories like the seasons change – sending showers; beating flowers into the mud. And nothing is forever in this place. Nothing but the way my heart fits in your hands; the held breath of HOPE'…author unknown

Who Am I?

If I am not my Breast Cancer and I am not my Grief then 'Who am I?'

Why is is that I am feeling that I have little in my life other than my cancer and my grief. Having mentioned the word 'coincidence' several times lately I have come to realise there is a 'pattern' to my life of late. It is not just a coincidence that I am in this place. It probably began at the time of my marriage to Haydn. In 1996 we returned from our honeymoon. On the way home I began to question  myself, asking if I had made a mistake?  Haydn and I were 'soul mates' during our courtship. Or so it seemed!  Haydn's daughter Claire now says I was 'duped.' The person that courted me was not the father she knew or the man I married. Anyway, that aside, I suspect I suffered from depression in the early days and was very grateful that I found the strength to leave. I felt I had reclaimed my life.

My Breast Cancer diagnosis in March 2003 had little effect on my day to day activities and it was enough for Haydn and I to resume our life together. I had a melanoma removed in 1996 and considered myself blessed to have been referred to a surgeon that believed anything resembling a melanoma should be removed fully rather than biopsied. The world was my oyster. I was never going to see my son an orphan. I felt well and optimistic.

At the time of Jeremy's accident in November 2006 Claire was preparing to depart for New York. Haydn sold the family home as it was our intention to retire in June 2007 and move to a new home at the farm. It was to be a 'new beginning' for us. Haydn's business partner put a stop to the Company trading account that June, being the end of our Financial Year. We ended up preparing for a court battle, as well as living in a site shed at the factory for as long as it took to wind things up. That turned out to be 18 months. I suspect the 'rot' began to sink in about that time. Friends that I had known for years appeared not to be able to handle my loss. I began to withdraw and preferred to be alone at the shopping centres where I could simply drink coffee and watch the world go by. There were less tears that way!

I realise that life with Haydn can be difficult due to his antisocial behaviour. He can be intolerant! He has more than enough good points to compensate. That was not a problem when I was well and we lived in town. I simply lived my own life allowing him to do the same. I loved my role in the Charismatic Renewal as well as my study to become a team member at the Newcastle Healing Rooms. It pleased me to have the opportunity to undertake the preparation to be a Prayer Counsellor. As long as I had a vehicle and a telephone I felt free! And then, of course, I was preparing to  become a Funeral Celebrant.

'Is freedom a state of mind?' I am confused! I am lost! Today, I received a note from Brenda which touched me so deeply that I sat began to sob.

'If only I could understand the reason for my crying. If only I could stop this fear of dreaming that I'm dying' - Laura Palmer

Several times I have skirted around the situation with life as it is today. Yesterday I commented to Haydn that I do not like the person I have become. I even admitted to feeling resentment towards him, meaning that I see him living his dream while I feel 'trapped.' When he told me that his late wife Leigh had said the same thing warning bells rang in my ears.

For more than 2 years I have lived with the pain and uncertainty of life. That is doable! Today I realised that the love in my heart has been replaced by fear. Living with the uncertainty of my condition is bearable. I have come to the conclusion that I  am not ready to die. This has come as a complete shock. I had believed that the date was written in the Book of Life. My role in life no more than simply 'being.' It may be nothing more than to be of service to others that will give me a feeling of contentment:

'Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy'....Lao Tzu

Since beginning this blog I have used my writing as a tool to keep me strong. And positive! Although it may seem that all is well in my little world, in reality I am afraid.  I have recently used ideas from Brenda's Blog to resurrect tools acquired over many years to reclaim my life in the belief that I will return to a healthy state of mind allowing the fear in my heart to be replaced with love once more. For those interested in what Brenda had to say, the words that allowed the flood gates to open -

'Cheryl My Darling, You haven't given up on any front!! You've had so much loss to deal with plus your own cancer. I think you've done an exceptional job at surviving mentally, physically and emotionally. Yes, there are aspects of your life you wish were different, but you're taking back your power and making changes that will benefit you and Haydn. I'm so proud of you for putting more of an emphasis on yourself. The hypnosis tapes, meditating, prayer, will all help you get centered so you can move forward and make better decisions from a place of calm. Bravo! You don't have to fix everything, today, but embrace those small changes and tweak them in for the maximum benefit. I'm proud of you! You've got grit, girl! XOXOXO, Brenda'

Time to 'Do it Your Way' Jezz

Although there was much to be done, the arrangements were being left to my inestimable family. Damian (always the 'rock' of the family) and Tyneal had the experience. Megan, in charge of music, was determined to make it a celebration to be remembered, just as Jezz would have wanted. When she suggested the venue should accommodate between 200 to 300 people, I questioned her. After all, Jeremy had only returned to live in Victoria more than 12 months after my Breast Ca diagnosis in 2003. Megs said 'Ma, have you forgotten what it is like to have Jezz around?' Even writing this entry brings with it a feeling of contentment; being with Jezz allowed me to be the person I most wanted to be. I began to wonder what it was like for others mourning their loss. His appeal had nothing to do with the way he looked, or the clothes he wore. It was simply his presence and, of course, the smile.

Damian approached Tobin Bros, appealing to them to allow him to collect Jeremy's body from Bairnsdale. He received an emphatic 'NO!' Definitely not! They did agree to allow management to make the decision and, given Damian's work record, as well as the circumstances, it was decided that both Damian and Tyneal would make the journey. I think I actually said somewhere that Tyneal was already undergoing training at the Victorian Police Academy. That is not right as they made the journey together. Thankfully, only a couple of years before, Damian had earned the nomination of 'Employee of the Year' and had won the award. He was held in high regard. Knowing that the accident that took his brother's life had been horrific, he was concerned about what it would be like for him to view his 'bro.' It was a big ask! He need not have worried. Haydn and I drove Damian's car, while he and Tyneal collected the work van. We set off on a journey to Bairnsdale; a journey that no family member should have to make.

Somehow the pain of writing this is overcome by the joy of knowing that Jezz was in good hands. Damian took with him Jeremy's Snoop Dogg CD's. I can imagine Jeremy's amusement as it would not be DJ's choice of music. What a ride the return journey to Melbourne would be. Damian had chosen a close personal friend at Tobin Bros to prepare the body for viewing; he wanted that for his brother.

Before we arrived in Bairnsdale I made a call to Brad Bennett, devoted Father to my granddaughter Ella. Although Megan and Brad are no longer together I asked Brad if he would consider singing at the service. I had always let Brad know that I would like him to sing at my own funeral. I would not have believed it possible; here I was asking  the same for my son. Brad's choice was 'Time of Your Life' by Green Day. Perfect!

Somehow, it was essential to ensure the message going to the young people at the service was about LOVE and HOPE.
Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received - only what you have given; a full heart enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice and courage... St Francis of Assisi
Although I am a devoted Catholic I chose the Riviera Christian Centre as the venue. I wanted, as much as possible to keep this 'A Family Affair' therefore Tyneal's Dad, Mark, A Civil Celebrant, would perform the service. As a member of the Charismatic Renewal, I knew  it would be possible for me to arrange with Father Tony Brady to lay Jeremy's body to rest in the Catholic tradition. God willing, that would be done on our arrival back in Newcastle. It would not be the first time we had chosen to 'think outside the square' for Jezz.

Megan's choice for the music for the Audio Visual display was 'Forever Young' by Youth Group while Claire agreed to sing 'You Are the Sunshine of my Life,' secure in the knowledge that Jeremy was all of that, and more to me.

My amazing family ensured that we did indeed celebrate Jeremy's life. On 28 November 2006 we managed to do just that, knowing that we had a lifetime to mourn our loss. As I complete this post I want nothing more than to express my love and gratitude to Damian/Tyneal and Megan for undertaking the arrangements. Although four years have now passed I know the value in voicing love and appreciation as we never know what each new day brings. 'We know not the time or the place.' With breaking hearts they made the arrangements that allowed me the freedom to listen to the messages that came into my head as Jeremy entered the final stage of his journey into Eternal Life. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been.

Was it another coincidence that we were able to use family and friends for many parts of the service? In spite of the pain of our loss we knew Jezz better than anybody else thus allowing us, in many ways, to stamp 'his' name on the service.

I remember a woman walking up to me with, what turned out to be her daughter. She explained that she did not know my son but she wanted to thank him, through me, for giving her daughter back her life. It seems to me that there is something special about the young who are destined for a better place. They leave this earth having made a difference.

Have you ever had a son who meant the world to you?

One you loved so very much, and miss him like I do.

Have you ever felt the heartache, or even nursed the pain?

Have you ever shed the tears that drop like falling rain?

If you've never had those feelings, then pray you never do

For on the day that Jezza left me, a part of me went too

Love you Sunshine. Miss you with every heartbeat..

                         

A Family 'Affair'

A continuation of  'Was it a Coincidence?'

On the night of 21 November 2006 at approximately 10.25pm I replaced the telephone handset. Death hung heavily in the air of the room in which I sat. My life had been forever changed; I had absolutely no idea of just how much. How could I say goodbye to 'the love of my life?' Jezz was my reason for living after the death of his Dad; he had been my focus. At the time of my cancer diagnosis in March 2003 I knew I would survive. Quite simply, I had no intention of leaving my youngest son an orphan. Was it a coincidence that he was almost 12 when he said goodbye to his Dad and 12 years later I was saying goodbye to him? I sat. I talked. I wanted nothing more than to talk about 'my child.'

Haydn held me and let me talk. Claire sat with us for awhile. She sensed there was nothing to be said or done, so she retreated to her room. I suspect she got very little sleep that night knowing exactly how much of my identity was tied up with that of my child. Claire and Jeremy had a relationship built on trust. She stood up to her Father when she felt the need to 'protect' Jeremy from Haydn. It was interesting to watch! Just as Haydn THOUGHT Claire could do no wrong, I KNEW Jeremy was always right! That's my truth and I'm sticking to it!

Haydn donned work clothes knowing full well that as Managing Director there was preparation to be done for our absence. It was 3am when he left the house. The sun rose soon after although it brought with it no joy. Time to book seats on a flight to Melbourne. Most of my personal things were at the farm. It would mean a trip to the farm before heading to Williamtown to catch the flight. I sat in silence for some time. The call to the airline left me feeling completely 'ripped off.' Good old Qantas, the Spirit of Australia! I was charged an arm and a leg for a booking based on compassionate grounds. Maybe money was not the real issue! The fact of the matter was the reason for making the trip.

Damian had asked me to find about 30 pictures of Jeremy for a video display. It was a mad rush to get to the farm, followed by the airport in time for the flight. I remember so vividly our arrival. We let the travelator take us up to where Damian and Jascha waited. I fell into Damian's arms asking 'How did this happen?' He simply said 'Mum, he's just a naughty boy!'

That nigh I had my first real experience of words coming into my head. Words that had meaning but did not appear to be of my doing. I definitely was in shock, not myself. As Haydn and I entered the kitchen the following morning I asked if Damian or Tyneal could help. I had been given  the words 'You are so Beautiful.' Damian laughingly asked where I had been hiding during the 60's and 70's as I was giving him the words of a song sung by Joe Cocker. Bingo! I explained that Jeremy wanted that song to be played for me. A real turn around! I was unsure! Should I do it? Damian put Megan in charge of music and she had a copy of the CD. After listening to it she gave her approval and claimed it was perfect!

Is it possible to have the pain of the worst time of your life eased by the love and experience of family? My beautiful Number 1 son, together with his future bride Tyneal took over the arrangements for the funeral service. Jeremy was still at the morgue at the hospital in Bairnsdale. We were together in Melbourne; a distance of 350 kilometres.  Was it yet another coincidence that Damian was employed by Tobin Bros as a Funeral Director's Assistant and I was preparing to become a Funeral Celebrant?

This was our first day in Melbourne. Damian had asked Tobin Bros if they would be prepared to undertake the service. That would mean several trips between Bairnsdale and Melbourne and yet it seemed 'just right.'.

So! We had one song from Jeremy to me. I had the following verse in readiness for the days that I would become a Funeral Celebrant, and was prepared to read it myself.  I had never thought it would be at my own son's funeral and yet it was 'perfect:'

A Child Loaned

‘I’ll lend you for a little time a child of Mine,’ he said,

‘For you to love the while he lives, and mourn for when he’s dead.

He may be six or seven weeks, or 24 years, or three,

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me?

He’ll bring his charm to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,

You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,

And from the throngs who crowd life’s lanes I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labour’s vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call and take him back again?’

I fancied that I heard them say, ‘Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

For all the joys Thy child shall bring the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness; we’ll love him while we may

And for the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay.

But, should the angels call for him much sooner than we planned

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

We knew that there was much work to be done in readiness and yet, as a family we had the belief that with God's Grace, all things are possible.



Another Way to Carry Raymond With Me

A visit from Adrian Quain, (Funeral Director) some time after Ray's funeral, provided an unexpected surprise. I was overwhelmed to learn that he had taken the liberty of collecting Ray's cremated remains from the Beresfield Crematorium, in order to minimise costs, and had been holding them on my behalf. He decided to take just the tiniest amount of Ray's created remains and to place them on the back of a Holy Card with the verse SAFELY HOME before having it laminated. He provided the explanation that this was not something he had previously undertaken and yet he was determined to do something 'unique' for me.

Adrian reiterated the affect the home visit had on him and the love he had experienced within the home. Guess it is slightly unusual to say that I not only carry Ray in my heart, but in my wallet as well. Oh well, I have often been accused of being 'different.'

Safely Home

I am home in Heaven, dear ones;

Oh, so happy and so bright!

There is perfect joy and beauty

In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over

Every restless tossing passed

I am now at peace forever,

Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly

Trod the valley of the shade?

Oh! But Jesus’ love illuminated

Every dark and fearful glade

And He came Himself to meet me

In that way so hard to tread;

And with Jesus’ arm to lean on

Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,

For I love you dearly still

Try to look beyond earth’s shadows

Pray to trust our Father’s Will

There is work still waiting for you

So you must not idly stand

Do it now, while life remaineth-

You shall rest in Jesus’ land.

When that work is all completed,

He will gently call you Home

Oh, the rapture of that meeting

Oh, the joy to see you come



Back to Ray's Funeral and Beyond

I think you are probably struggling to put all the pieces of the jigsaw of my life together as you go from post to post. Suddenly, there seems to be so much to say as I awaken each day to the uncertainty of life. With the knowledge that we are born to die, it seems to be perfectly natural to be talking about life and death. Although it was my intention to leave the posts concerning Ray until March - the month in which he was born and died - somehow it has become far too important, so I intend to keep 'plugging' away.

So.. back to the days following Ray's passing. I was still feeling very emotional, and profoundly affected by the fact that the funeral director had suggested he was happy to waive funeral costs. On a subsequent visit, he shared with me that HE felt the love I had for Raymond (a Post for next time.) So, in spite of the many years of hardship as a result of Ray's illness, we still enjoyed a love that shone through. We literally had NO money at the time of Ray's death and here I was being told that Adrian was happy to be of service. I still smile to myself when I reflect on those days. I had a Mother that did not know me and a funeral director that felt he had 'summed' me up in just over one hour.

Once again Megan was more than happy to write a verse to be used as a Return Thanks. She wrote, as usual, from the heart and penned the following:

The sun it shines so bright today

The grass it is so green

The world for him is perfect now

More than it's ever been

This is the time to say to you

How lucky we all are

To have known such a special man

Who sparkled like a star

Although at times the path was rough

And we struggled to get through

Everything worked out for the best

With a little help from you

Remember this in times to come

That in our hearts you'll stay

For it was the strength from others

That helped us on our way

We thank you for your kindness

And all the things you've done

To help us through this time in life

With this loss we feel as one

The love this man has given

Has been returned all round

For even in the tough times

It was peace in life he found

Written by Megan Louise Radford (born 1972)

I am Deeply Touched

Raymond is gone, so to is my headache.

As I climbed out of bed, after 5 days beside my beloved husband, I was very conscious of the fact that my headache had miraculously disappeared. It was now time to think about funeral arrangements. I called David Carty [Principal of St Mary's School] to ask the name of the Catholic Funeral Director. I was given the name Adrian Quain, although David suggested he would be more than happy to call Adrian on my behalf; I was happy to go along with that.

When Adrian knocked at the door I greeted him with a handshake. My Mother, sister Toni, brother-in-law Brian, and Lea Shelley were with me as I answered questions and spoke of Ray's battle with cancer. I found myself being asked about personal finances. It was necessary for me to talk openly and honestly; Adrian was probably trying to work out where the money was coming from to bury Ray. I explained that life savings had been used, particularly in the last 4 years, with our relocation from Lakes Entrance to Warners Bay. Ray had felt very strongly about being closer to his ageing Mother so we had made the move after selling the Squash and Fitness Centre. I also mentioned the fact that Damian worked beside Ray in any role that Ray undertook in an effort to keep the family budget in the black. After Ray's neuro surgery, I assumed the responsibility of managing the finances. I also failed frequently. Very quickly it became apparent to me that keeping the bank balance in the black is not easy, particularly with  medical expenses on the increase. Damian was a champion and contributed wholeheartedly, working side-by-side in all roles we undertook to keep the wolf from the door. He made a great assistant at Kumon, and the children loved him. 

Although I had previously arranged for Toni to take over with the arrangements in the event of my not feeling up to it, I found my love for Raymond overflowing making all things possible. I was determined to do everything in my power to have the mass celebrating his life a tribute to this extraordinary man.. The children loved and respected their Dad and I wanted that to shine through. It was important for others to feel that love.

The shock came at the end of my time with Adrian as I walked him to the door. He apparently realised that money was short and he told me that I was not to worry about the account; it would be taken care of. Of course, dummy that I am, found myself crying. How could I not feel deeply touched that a funeral director, unknown to me before this day, was offering to take care of costs? I did say that would not be necessary. That is a story for another day.

Megan arrived later in the day from Lakes Entrance.I asked permission to read the following verse at Ray's funeral.  Meg has an amazing ability to write verse and it comes straight from the heart.. I remember the day it arrived; I was out. Ray was heartbroken that he was unable to read it on his own. There had obviously been more of a deterioration than I had realised. We sat together, I read, we both cried. Thank you Megan for providing such joy and for allowing me to use your words at Dad's Funeral Mass.

With life the way it is today

some things so hard to bear

there are some things I'd like to say

that with you I'd like to share

I think of you so often

you're set so deeply in my heart

there's things I wish to thank you for

but I don't know where to start

Thank you Dad for having me

and blessing me with your soul

Your kindness, love, faith and strength

are things I now do hold

I thank you for the time you've spent

with me day by day

and all the things you've said and done

that guide me on my way

And for being there beside me

through the good times and the bad

and for feeling for me with your heart

when I'm feeling kind of sad

There's nothing I need ever ask

to make my dreams come true

for dreams consist of life itself

and life's what gets us through

Because you are a special man

I feel so special too

the world that I hold in my hand

is a part of you

Written by Megan Radford (b.1972)

 just weeks before her beloved father lost his battle with cancer.

Read by Cheryl Radford at the funeral

Live a Life that Matters

No Matter What Happens....

I remember a time when each day was long, when the world was a playground and my life a song,

And I fluttered through years with barely a care, ignoring the future and what waited there.

School was intriguing and filled with delights. I played away daytimes and dreamed away nights.

My parents assured me I had nothing to fear, and that no matter what happened, they'd always be there.

Little I knew of a world outside home, where tragedy, sorrow and murder could roam.

All I saw were blue skies, rainbows and stars. I looked past destruction of buildings and cars.

As a child, my biggest concern was just me; I had to be happy, I had to be free.

And if I was content, I would not shed a tear.

And no matter what happened, I still would be here.

But as I grow up, darkness starts to set in; my bright world has turned into concrete and tin.

I now see the violence I looked past before; friends start to die and my heart hits the floor.

Deadly diseases claim people I love, there are landfills below me, pollution above.

I often think back to when life was a game, but no matter what happens, it can't be the same.

There are days when I just want to break down and howl, to give up completely, to throw in the towel.

But I hold my head high and I push my way through.

I have too much to give and so much to do.

And I make a vow that, though it'll be hard,I'll go on with a smile and play every card.

I'll give all I can, help others and love.

No matter what happens, life will bloom again, and the strength I don't have will come from above.

So come, take my hand, and through darkness we will sail if we all join together, we never can fail.

We'll remember to care, remember to feel, and no matter what happens, our world we will heal

Author Unknown