Is My Heart is Elsewhere?

'Impossible situations can become possible miracles.'

 – Robert H. Schuller

Not looking too bad at the end of May

Not looking too good at the end of July

Both Haydn and I feel incredibly sad as we observe my body, and its ability to grow this disgusting, fungating, odorous mass. It is difficult not to be affected by the sight and odour as it is right under my nose. 

My right arm is now akin to a lump of lead hanging loosely by my side. I have to practically stand on my head to dress the top half of my body; makes dressing interesting, and slow. Thank goodness for pull up stretch jeans.

On Friday we had a 2 hour wait to be seen by the Radiation Oncologist. It was a non event!. As usual, he had little more to say than Mmm, Mmm.. I pray that he will learn from this experience. The waiting room was filled with patients, many appearing to be dreadfully ill and yet living in hope that their treatment will give them another opportunity to live their life to the full.

Next stop was to spend time with the most amazing, compassionate Wound Care Nurse who managed to have me laughing, and crying at the same time. She explained how radiation either allows, or causes this to happen. She also said that she sees it far too often. Having given me lots of information, along with dressings to try, she applied a lovely Mepilex Lite, soft Silicone dressing which she said would last for several days.

We arrived home, dressing intact, and yet I could feel the itchiness of the skin below. After some time, unable to stand the discomfort any more, I went to the mirror and removed the dressing. The sight of the wound disgusted me; having had it covered for some time it was repulsive! I simply sobbed uncontrollably.

Although my state of mind was not good I choose that particular time to check the cost of the dressings.Tess had recommended a wholesale site. One of her favourites, a silver Silicone costs $285 for 5 dressings. Oh boy! Will this ever end? Over the years, the costs associated with cancer, and its treatment, have been astronomical.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with 'Dr Amazing' who will give me information on the potential risks and benefits of chemotherapy. Everything in me says the risks begin with the insertion of the port given the breakdown in my skin's integrity. As my body continues to fight this 'monster' it leaves little in the way of nutrients to keep me strong and healthy.

I still believe there is a way to 'beat' this disease. It is up to me to find 'it.'

Once again, I reflect on the isolation of life at the farm. Although I do have financial security, and a very loyal 'best friend' who loves me and cares for me, I am wondering if it is sufficient. Two of my children live in the state of Victoria. My youngest son was born and died in the same state. I intend to use the Funeral Company that employs my eldest son. Apparently I am entitled to a 'good deal' with huge discounts. It all makes sense! Is that my heart whispering to me that it is time to come home? 

'Let your heart be your compass, your
mind your map, your soul your guide...
and you will never get lost'
-Unknown.

Where to From Here?

'A bodily disease which we look upon as whole and entire in itself, may, after all, be but a symptom of some ailment in the spiritual past.'

- Nathaniel Hawthorn

It has been some time since my last Post, possibly because life seems to have been a succession of appointments and tests. It is now time to contemplate my options, although they may appear to be limited.

This 'little beauty' has grown from less than 3cm to approximately 20cm since the end of January. How much longer will it continue to behave in this way? No one knows!

My 'amazing' oncologist has recommended a course of chemotherapy, although he admits it may have little or no effect. The recommendation is for an infusion of Liposomal Doxorubicin by drip into the vein. This would take place every 28 days.

I have been told that not every one gets all of the potential side effects and yet my concern is always the same. If anyone is going to get them, it will be me. There are two issues that perturb me. One is the possible risk of localised reaction at the sight. Given that I have very little use of my right arm/hand, should the reaction in the left be severe, it leaves me in a bind. The same applies for the possible risk of peripheral neuropathy, including hand and foot syndrome. Given that my skin reaction to previous radiation was severe, I am at also at an increased risk for radiation recall. Do I really need to go through that again?

Is there a suitable treatment for recurring, metastatic breast disease that does not have a list a mile long of potentially life threatening risks and side effects?

At this time, I am contemplating saying 'NO' to chemo and taking a chance on moving away from the farm, and the isolation, to put myself into a position somehow that will allow me to spend time in the company of people and also to be of service.

More on that option later!



Why I am Where I am

'I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.'

-Roy Croft

Maybe the next few posts will not be riveting reading for all; for those that stay with me on this journey I expect it will take us in several directions.  My approach to life has always been rather eclectic, as I use a variety of methods to allow me to 'deal with' any challenge/task. I do hope that writing these posts will provide some clarity in my life.

I know about 'soul' searching having done quite a bit lately. As a result, I feel as if I have reached a fork in the road. I am painfully aware of 'taking myself wherever I go' which makes it difficult to 'avoid' pain and suffering should it is my own. Many of you know, and understand, the depth of feelings developed over time with fellow bloggers; they become life altering. One such blogger is Brenda @ Breast Cancer Sisterhood who writes poignantly of the death of her precious James on 26th December, 2010. Brenda, writes of the love she and James share and has written in such a way as to open wounds that I felt had been put to rest.

When I married my late husband Ray in 1967 little did I know he would show me the meaning of 'unconditional' love. During our 27 years together I enjoyed the privilege of being loved and accepted, in spite of my many faults. At the time Ray was diagnosed with a brain tumour it was necessary to leave our squash and fitness centre to allow him to undergo surgery in Melbourne. Damian, who was about 18, along with a close personal friend Marianne Hocking stepped up to the task. Jeremy, our 7 year old, with farmed out to the most amazing family. Leaving him with the Allen family enabled me to spend 18 weeks with Ray during his neuro and thoracic surgery. The procedures took much longer than expected. Ray was paralysed down one side as a result of the first operation. Rehabilitation was required before he could undertake surgery to remove the tumour on his lung. The lung tumour was discovered during testing for the brain tumour. We survived that period and, somehow, I was able to spend every day, and most nights, by Ray's side. The nurse's quarters became my 'home' away from home. Thankfully, Mum had travelled from Dubbo to be with Ray and me after his initial neuro surgery. She then headed up to Lakes Entrance where she was made to feel welcome by some of our close personal friends.

Four years later Ray went into a coma; it happened suddenly. Jeremy helped me to carry his Father into the bed he shared with me. I phoned my Mother in Dubbo who agreed to catch the train that very day. Mum's presence allowed me to climb into bed beside my darling Raymond. I stayed beside him in the bed for the last five days of his time on earth. At times we were visited by loving family and friends; loved ones that had come to say their goodbyes. I remember that time well! I often feel guilty thinking of things I had done prior to that time. Things I am not proud of. I ask Ray's forgiveness.

I recollect so well the sense of peace that came from sharing the journey; it seems I was led. There are lasting benefits to sharing a love which is timeless; a love in which I feel treasured/secure. There is no room for jealousy, there is only pure love. With love all things are possible.

To meet and to part is the story of life; to part and to meet is the glory of life

Who Am I?

If I am not my Breast Cancer and I am not my Grief then 'Who am I?'

Why is is that I am feeling that I have little in my life other than my cancer and my grief. Having mentioned the word 'coincidence' several times lately I have come to realise there is a 'pattern' to my life of late. It is not just a coincidence that I am in this place. It probably began at the time of my marriage to Haydn. In 1996 we returned from our honeymoon. On the way home I began to question  myself, asking if I had made a mistake?  Haydn and I were 'soul mates' during our courtship. Or so it seemed!  Haydn's daughter Claire now says I was 'duped.' The person that courted me was not the father she knew or the man I married. Anyway, that aside, I suspect I suffered from depression in the early days and was very grateful that I found the strength to leave. I felt I had reclaimed my life.

My Breast Cancer diagnosis in March 2003 had little effect on my day to day activities and it was enough for Haydn and I to resume our life together. I had a melanoma removed in 1996 and considered myself blessed to have been referred to a surgeon that believed anything resembling a melanoma should be removed fully rather than biopsied. The world was my oyster. I was never going to see my son an orphan. I felt well and optimistic.

At the time of Jeremy's accident in November 2006 Claire was preparing to depart for New York. Haydn sold the family home as it was our intention to retire in June 2007 and move to a new home at the farm. It was to be a 'new beginning' for us. Haydn's business partner put a stop to the Company trading account that June, being the end of our Financial Year. We ended up preparing for a court battle, as well as living in a site shed at the factory for as long as it took to wind things up. That turned out to be 18 months. I suspect the 'rot' began to sink in about that time. Friends that I had known for years appeared not to be able to handle my loss. I began to withdraw and preferred to be alone at the shopping centres where I could simply drink coffee and watch the world go by. There were less tears that way!

I realise that life with Haydn can be difficult due to his antisocial behaviour. He can be intolerant! He has more than enough good points to compensate. That was not a problem when I was well and we lived in town. I simply lived my own life allowing him to do the same. I loved my role in the Charismatic Renewal as well as my study to become a team member at the Newcastle Healing Rooms. It pleased me to have the opportunity to undertake the preparation to be a Prayer Counsellor. As long as I had a vehicle and a telephone I felt free! And then, of course, I was preparing to  become a Funeral Celebrant.

'Is freedom a state of mind?' I am confused! I am lost! Today, I received a note from Brenda which touched me so deeply that I sat began to sob.

'If only I could understand the reason for my crying. If only I could stop this fear of dreaming that I'm dying' - Laura Palmer

Several times I have skirted around the situation with life as it is today. Yesterday I commented to Haydn that I do not like the person I have become. I even admitted to feeling resentment towards him, meaning that I see him living his dream while I feel 'trapped.' When he told me that his late wife Leigh had said the same thing warning bells rang in my ears.

For more than 2 years I have lived with the pain and uncertainty of life. That is doable! Today I realised that the love in my heart has been replaced by fear. Living with the uncertainty of my condition is bearable. I have come to the conclusion that I  am not ready to die. This has come as a complete shock. I had believed that the date was written in the Book of Life. My role in life no more than simply 'being.' It may be nothing more than to be of service to others that will give me a feeling of contentment:

'Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy'....Lao Tzu

Since beginning this blog I have used my writing as a tool to keep me strong. And positive! Although it may seem that all is well in my little world, in reality I am afraid.  I have recently used ideas from Brenda's Blog to resurrect tools acquired over many years to reclaim my life in the belief that I will return to a healthy state of mind allowing the fear in my heart to be replaced with love once more. For those interested in what Brenda had to say, the words that allowed the flood gates to open -

'Cheryl My Darling, You haven't given up on any front!! You've had so much loss to deal with plus your own cancer. I think you've done an exceptional job at surviving mentally, physically and emotionally. Yes, there are aspects of your life you wish were different, but you're taking back your power and making changes that will benefit you and Haydn. I'm so proud of you for putting more of an emphasis on yourself. The hypnosis tapes, meditating, prayer, will all help you get centered so you can move forward and make better decisions from a place of calm. Bravo! You don't have to fix everything, today, but embrace those small changes and tweak them in for the maximum benefit. I'm proud of you! You've got grit, girl! XOXOXO, Brenda'

Time to 'Do it Your Way' Jezz

Although there was much to be done, the arrangements were being left to my inestimable family. Damian (always the 'rock' of the family) and Tyneal had the experience. Megan, in charge of music, was determined to make it a celebration to be remembered, just as Jezz would have wanted. When she suggested the venue should accommodate between 200 to 300 people, I questioned her. After all, Jeremy had only returned to live in Victoria more than 12 months after my Breast Ca diagnosis in 2003. Megs said 'Ma, have you forgotten what it is like to have Jezz around?' Even writing this entry brings with it a feeling of contentment; being with Jezz allowed me to be the person I most wanted to be. I began to wonder what it was like for others mourning their loss. His appeal had nothing to do with the way he looked, or the clothes he wore. It was simply his presence and, of course, the smile.

Damian approached Tobin Bros, appealing to them to allow him to collect Jeremy's body from Bairnsdale. He received an emphatic 'NO!' Definitely not! They did agree to allow management to make the decision and, given Damian's work record, as well as the circumstances, it was decided that both Damian and Tyneal would make the journey. I think I actually said somewhere that Tyneal was already undergoing training at the Victorian Police Academy. That is not right as they made the journey together. Thankfully, only a couple of years before, Damian had earned the nomination of 'Employee of the Year' and had won the award. He was held in high regard. Knowing that the accident that took his brother's life had been horrific, he was concerned about what it would be like for him to view his 'bro.' It was a big ask! He need not have worried. Haydn and I drove Damian's car, while he and Tyneal collected the work van. We set off on a journey to Bairnsdale; a journey that no family member should have to make.

Somehow the pain of writing this is overcome by the joy of knowing that Jezz was in good hands. Damian took with him Jeremy's Snoop Dogg CD's. I can imagine Jeremy's amusement as it would not be DJ's choice of music. What a ride the return journey to Melbourne would be. Damian had chosen a close personal friend at Tobin Bros to prepare the body for viewing; he wanted that for his brother.

Before we arrived in Bairnsdale I made a call to Brad Bennett, devoted Father to my granddaughter Ella. Although Megan and Brad are no longer together I asked Brad if he would consider singing at the service. I had always let Brad know that I would like him to sing at my own funeral. I would not have believed it possible; here I was asking  the same for my son. Brad's choice was 'Time of Your Life' by Green Day. Perfect!

Somehow, it was essential to ensure the message going to the young people at the service was about LOVE and HOPE.
Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received - only what you have given; a full heart enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice and courage... St Francis of Assisi
Although I am a devoted Catholic I chose the Riviera Christian Centre as the venue. I wanted, as much as possible to keep this 'A Family Affair' therefore Tyneal's Dad, Mark, A Civil Celebrant, would perform the service. As a member of the Charismatic Renewal, I knew  it would be possible for me to arrange with Father Tony Brady to lay Jeremy's body to rest in the Catholic tradition. God willing, that would be done on our arrival back in Newcastle. It would not be the first time we had chosen to 'think outside the square' for Jezz.

Megan's choice for the music for the Audio Visual display was 'Forever Young' by Youth Group while Claire agreed to sing 'You Are the Sunshine of my Life,' secure in the knowledge that Jeremy was all of that, and more to me.

My amazing family ensured that we did indeed celebrate Jeremy's life. On 28 November 2006 we managed to do just that, knowing that we had a lifetime to mourn our loss. As I complete this post I want nothing more than to express my love and gratitude to Damian/Tyneal and Megan for undertaking the arrangements. Although four years have now passed I know the value in voicing love and appreciation as we never know what each new day brings. 'We know not the time or the place.' With breaking hearts they made the arrangements that allowed me the freedom to listen to the messages that came into my head as Jeremy entered the final stage of his journey into Eternal Life. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been.

Was it another coincidence that we were able to use family and friends for many parts of the service? In spite of the pain of our loss we knew Jezz better than anybody else thus allowing us, in many ways, to stamp 'his' name on the service.

I remember a woman walking up to me with, what turned out to be her daughter. She explained that she did not know my son but she wanted to thank him, through me, for giving her daughter back her life. It seems to me that there is something special about the young who are destined for a better place. They leave this earth having made a difference.

Have you ever had a son who meant the world to you?

One you loved so very much, and miss him like I do.

Have you ever felt the heartache, or even nursed the pain?

Have you ever shed the tears that drop like falling rain?

If you've never had those feelings, then pray you never do

For on the day that Jezza left me, a part of me went too

Love you Sunshine. Miss you with every heartbeat..

                         

Was it a Coincidence?

If you read my blog frequently you will know that it is an eclectic reflection of my life. What is it that others may observe as 'thriving' in the face of adversity? My so called 'interesting' life is 'normal' to me. I know nothing else! Who am I to draw comparisons? I endeavour to learn, and inspire, from each new challenge and experience. If there is any truth in the thought that we are here to learn lessons, then I am going to learn quickly.

Was it a coincidence that I watched an episode of Packed to the Rafters on Tuesday night?  I was left with are tears streaming down my cheeks. Mel's death in a motor vehicle accident was just to close to home; so many memories.  Just as I am affected by the passing of anyone as a result of breast cancer, so to the emotion raw and unchecked as I sat watching the programme and Mel's death in a trafic accident.

I am taken back in time to the morning of Tuesday 21 November, 2006. Was it a coincidence that I received a text message from Jeremy?  I read the message and surprised him by calling, rather than texting a response. As usual, he was overjoyed to hear from me and did not try to conceal his pleasure. We chatted about the previous weekend; he had apparently had a fabulous time. It pleased me to hear that life was good to him, and that he was getting on with it. He let me know that he had decided to take more interest in his personal appearance, making an appointment to have his hair cut and coloured on the Thursday night. My thoughts were that there must be some truth in a comment made by a radio broadcaster...  young men began to mature around the age of 24. He had turned 24 just 5 days previously. I remember thinking to myself  'He is safe now.' We laughed together and, when his boss Nudge arrived to take him to his job as a plasterer, we finished our conversation. My final words on that morning, 'Love you Sunshine.' Little did I know these would be the last words between us. On reflection, or was it a 'coincidence' that Claire chose to comment that few things stirred feelings of envy in her, but our relationship was definitely up there. I don't remember to many times that Jeremy and I were together, or chatting on the phone, that there wasn't joy and laughter. Others sensed the shared energy;  his mates loved 'hanging out' at our place.

Was it a coincidence that I went to bed  at 7.45pm on that night  but had difficulty sleeping? Normally, I would sit with Claire watching our favourite television programmes. I was unsettled, continually telling myself to 'go to sleep' with no effect. It seemed odd that I was still wide awake, therefore not surprised when the phone rang at approximately 10.10pm. It seemed to confirm my worst fears. There had to be a problem! It was my  beloved eldest son Damian who, on this occasion, was the bearer of heartbreaking news. Damian, and Tyneal, live in Melbourne; a three hour drive from Bairnsdale. It still amazes me that it was Damian who received a phone call advising him of the tragic accident that took the life of his younger brother Jeremy.

I learned that Damian (who is employed in the funeral industry) and Tyneal (a then student at the Victorian Police Academy) on receiving the news, had made the necessary phone calls to the Bairnsdale police. It was confirmed that Jeremy was deceased. In the meantime, Megan had also learned of the accident and she rang me as Jason drove her to the scene of the accident. My understanding is that she was hysterical, and vomiting, unable to function. When she arrived and found the rescue workers cutting her gorgeous, 6ft 6in brother from the wreckage, she was inconsolable knowing that her bro was in that car. It was too much for her and the police asked Jason  to take her to the morgue at the Bairnsdale hospital to wait. It was the very place at which I had given birth to Jeremy 24 years previously.

I believe Megan regrets that she did not have the opportunity to hold Jeremy in her arms one last time. She was allowed only to view him from behind glass at the hospital, although she was the one to formally identify the body. If only I had known; I would have begged her to come to Melbourne to view his body. I believe it would have helped enormously with the grieving process. Was it a coincidence that Jeremy died with a smile on his face? In spite of the horrific nature of the accident that took his life he was smiling. Was it Michael's jokes, or was it because Jesus laid His hand on him and gently whispered 'Come with me?'

Jeremy was not alone as he took his last breath. Was it a coincidence that Jeremy was comforted by a complete stranger named Michael, telling him jokes as he held him in his arms? Jeremy received the sacrament of the Holy Spirit in Confirmation the year his Father died. Was it a coincidence he chose to take Archangel Michael as his Patron Saint? He wanted a powerful guardian angel! As onlookers stood around watching on that night, Michael made the decision to be there for Jeremy. He stepped up to the task knowing only to well the heartache of losing a child. He had held his own baby in his arms as he lay dying. I asked Michael later why he thought jokes were what was needed at that time. Michael simply said he felt he had been led. I will be forever grateful to Michael; I believe he truly was like a 'Guardian Angel' to Jezz.

Although there are some things that are blurred about that time, I am going to try to put some of the pieces together in the next post. I now believe it is possible to receive messages from our deceased loved ones.

All God's angels come to us disguised.
-James Russell Lowell

Another Day of Mourning

Today, 23 October 2010 marks the fourth anniversary of the passing of my mother Valerie Ellen Townsend; it is also the month in which she was born. I wonder as I write this if others have connected dates as I do with births and deaths?

There is certainly a tinge of sadness as I reflect on my upbringing. What was it in Mum's life that allowed her to dwell on negativity as she overlooked the intrinsic goodness of life? Although family members had visited frequently for some months prior to her passing, and I had been there just the day before, it was not until later that I mentioned to my sister Toni  I found it odd that Mother had not mentioned that she loved me and yet she managed to tell my ex-husband Haydn. By the same token, I realised that I had not declared my love for Mum. Quite frankly, I think I feared rejection. Toni then told me that her experience was the same, although Mum found it in her heart to tell Brian - Toni's husband. Interesting! I then asked my other three siblings to share their experience. I soon learned that at least Mum did not discriminate. She died without telling any of her children how she felt. Love me, love me not, love me, love me not...

I remember a discussion in which I virtually accused Mum of not wanting me. Her reply still echoes in my ears ' I did not want any of you!' Odd sentiments for the mother of five children! Did Mum feel like that always, or was it just that point in time? Does it really matter now? Although we were raised in what appeared, at times, to be a loveless household, I have just found a card from Mum. It was sent in early 2006 and I suspect Mum knew then that there was something happening within her body. She told me that she loved me. Alleluia! She said she loved all of us declaring that she had not been one to tell us. Were we supposed to read her mind and to know from everything she did?  Being somewhat perceptive I felt she did things out of duty.

So why do I still live with, and 'hang out' with my ex-husband Haydn when I tell him, on occasions, that living with him is like living with my mother? Even he recognised that Mum carried out her responsibilities as a matter of duty. Or so it seemed. Maybe somewhere within me I see this as an opportunity to allow Haydn to see that there is another way.

I do know that there is not a single day that I do not think about my Spirit Child Jeremy, and the wonderful gift he has given me. Between he and his beloved Dad he taught me about unconditional love; something I will carry with me always. I recall my oncology social worker pointing out that she thought Jeremy had allowed me the freedom to be the person I most enjoyed being. I knew immediately that thought resonated with me. To be accepted and loved unconditionally is a true blessing.

So maybe in another post I will explore what love means to me. To finish this particular post I will simply say 'I love you Mum. I so wish I had been able to do it better.' The following is from:
Thought for Today.org.uk.

Like a Star

At the end of the day, on the wings of your thoughts, go beyond the cares and troubles of the world. Remove your mind from everywhere and everyone, and become blissfully detached, like a star.

Like a star, be free to radiate light, for your essence is light and peace. Enjoy the simplicity of the night sky, the peace. And then, when you want to, you can shoot down to earth.

Celebrating Carla's Life

It was around the time of Carla's 30th birthday that she met me for the first time. Until then she  had lived with the pain of believing she was not wanted. She had been given up for adoption because there was no choice!

Ray had lovingly accepted Carla's birth - why else would he have given me flowers on the 19th October each year? Somehow, with living overseas followed by different states of Australia, I was unaware of the changes to adoption laws which were different in Victoria and NSW. Having done nothing to prevent my daughter making contact, I believed it was simply that she did not wish to. Shortly after Ray's passing the NSW adoption laws changed. I registered with the Reunion Information Register and was advised that Carla was also registered. Our names were exchanged by the New South Wales Department of Community Services. I was excited at the prospect of meeting the daughter that had been given up at birth. Nothing happened! I could not believe it. Surely my daughter knew I wanted her? I had been advised her name was Carla, I had been given a copy of her Birth Certificate.

In reality, my daughter Carla was working through the issues that had been confusing her for many years. Not being renowned for my patience, I waited as long as I could before picking up the phone to call the number I had been given. Carla and I began chatting and it continues to this day.

As we celebrate Carla's birthday today, I am using her words to complete this post:

'I was about 11 when my mum and dad first told me that i was adopted. At the time i didn't really understand so i just let it go.  When i was 15 i asked mum why i was adopted, she said because i was special, that my birth mother couldn't look after me and that her and dad really wanted a baby.  At 16 i asked them could they help me find my birth mother, mum was 100% supportive, dad didn't think it was a good idea, as far as he was concerned i was his daughter, so the journey began.  Mum showed me my adoption papers, next we put my name on the adoption register and waited, we visited the hospital where i was born to try to obtain any sort of information, unfortunately the hospital had closed and the records had been moved, by the time i was 19 i gave up with the thought it is her loss not mine, she obviously hadn't told anyone about me.  When i had my first son at 22 it all came flooding back, the unanswered questions who was i where did i belong, i couldn't understand how any mother could give her baby up, did she feel i wasn't worth it, i had to know so the search began again, to no avail, i was told that my birth mothers name was not on the register therefore she did not want to be conntacted, by this stage i really didn't care if i ever met her, i can remember though looking up all the townsends in the sydney phone book and ringing each number asking if cheryl lived there, so i guess deep down i wanted some answers.  Then the phone call came 3 days before my 30th birthday, the adoption agency rang and told me that my mother wanted to make contact, i just cried, i drove straight to mum and dads and told them they both cried with me.  i was so excited to  finally know what happened and why i was given up.  I still remember the first time she rang like it was yesterday, it was true i had another mother, we talked and talked and talked, it was always comfortable from day one, we finally decided to meet the following march at the sydney train station, me and my son and cheryl and her son. jeremy picked me straight away and from that moment i became his big sister, it was so overwhelming, i was nervous, happy, scared and so full of questions, but i needn't have worried because as soon as we saw eachother it all fell into place, we had the best day, i didn't ask many questions mainly because i just wanted this moment to last and knew that we would have plenty of time to ask and answer questions.  It has been 15 years since we first made contact and i am so glad that cheryl decided to take the step in finding me, not only have i met my best friend, my mother but a person that i am proud to call mum, we have a wonderful relationship and yes just for the record cheryl does nag and tell me how it is just like a typical mother but i wouldn't have it any other way.'

Thank you for coming into our lives Carla.

Another Way to Carry Raymond With Me

A visit from Adrian Quain, (Funeral Director) some time after Ray's funeral, provided an unexpected surprise. I was overwhelmed to learn that he had taken the liberty of collecting Ray's cremated remains from the Beresfield Crematorium, in order to minimise costs, and had been holding them on my behalf. He decided to take just the tiniest amount of Ray's created remains and to place them on the back of a Holy Card with the verse SAFELY HOME before having it laminated. He provided the explanation that this was not something he had previously undertaken and yet he was determined to do something 'unique' for me.

Adrian reiterated the affect the home visit had on him and the love he had experienced within the home. Guess it is slightly unusual to say that I not only carry Ray in my heart, but in my wallet as well. Oh well, I have often been accused of being 'different.'

Safely Home

I am home in Heaven, dear ones;

Oh, so happy and so bright!

There is perfect joy and beauty

In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over

Every restless tossing passed

I am now at peace forever,

Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly

Trod the valley of the shade?

Oh! But Jesus’ love illuminated

Every dark and fearful glade

And He came Himself to meet me

In that way so hard to tread;

And with Jesus’ arm to lean on

Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,

For I love you dearly still

Try to look beyond earth’s shadows

Pray to trust our Father’s Will

There is work still waiting for you

So you must not idly stand

Do it now, while life remaineth-

You shall rest in Jesus’ land.

When that work is all completed,

He will gently call you Home

Oh, the rapture of that meeting

Oh, the joy to see you come



Back to Ray's Funeral and Beyond

I think you are probably struggling to put all the pieces of the jigsaw of my life together as you go from post to post. Suddenly, there seems to be so much to say as I awaken each day to the uncertainty of life. With the knowledge that we are born to die, it seems to be perfectly natural to be talking about life and death. Although it was my intention to leave the posts concerning Ray until March - the month in which he was born and died - somehow it has become far too important, so I intend to keep 'plugging' away.

So.. back to the days following Ray's passing. I was still feeling very emotional, and profoundly affected by the fact that the funeral director had suggested he was happy to waive funeral costs. On a subsequent visit, he shared with me that HE felt the love I had for Raymond (a Post for next time.) So, in spite of the many years of hardship as a result of Ray's illness, we still enjoyed a love that shone through. We literally had NO money at the time of Ray's death and here I was being told that Adrian was happy to be of service. I still smile to myself when I reflect on those days. I had a Mother that did not know me and a funeral director that felt he had 'summed' me up in just over one hour.

Once again Megan was more than happy to write a verse to be used as a Return Thanks. She wrote, as usual, from the heart and penned the following:

The sun it shines so bright today

The grass it is so green

The world for him is perfect now

More than it's ever been

This is the time to say to you

How lucky we all are

To have known such a special man

Who sparkled like a star

Although at times the path was rough

And we struggled to get through

Everything worked out for the best

With a little help from you

Remember this in times to come

That in our hearts you'll stay

For it was the strength from others

That helped us on our way

We thank you for your kindness

And all the things you've done

To help us through this time in life

With this loss we feel as one

The love this man has given

Has been returned all round

For even in the tough times

It was peace in life he found

Written by Megan Louise Radford (born 1972)

Dad - Born and Died in the Same Month

There cannot possibly be a 'right' time to lose a parent. I suspect, in the case of an older parent with failing health, death may bring a sense of relief, as was the case with my Mother.  I was 12 years of age when my beloved Dad was killed in a triple tragedy on the morning of 17th October 1960. 50 years later, I am left reflecting on the circumstances of that accident, the father I was still getting to know and the grandfather my children never met.

According to the Coroner, the accident was one of the worst in the Wellington District. My father, in a panel van on his way to work on the Burrendong Dam, with Harry Brazier and accompanied by Cvitko Maksimovic was hit by train. It appears that the gates at the crossing had been left open and the vehicle in which my Dad was a passenger did not see the train, possibly due to the sun rising at that early hour of the day.

Mum said that as soon as she heard the news of the accident, she knew it was Dad. Therefore, she was not surprised to find, when answering the knock at the door first thing in the morning, that it was two policemen with the news that her husband, father to her five children, had been killed. Mum's reaction! 'I have no time for tears, I have a family to raise.' That is pretty much how it was! Mum simply 'toughed' it out.

There is a story [for another day] as to why Dad was the one that rocked the cradle, and my Aunty Pat mothered me. I was in good hands with both of them. It was a huge blow to find that Dad died just months after my Aunty Pat left our family home to marry Bruce Simpson. I have memories from that time; all previous memories eradicated by the trauma of the accident; or something else! I am fascinated to hear friends talk of childhood memories as I have none. I have asked myself on occasions if I may be concealing something?

So today I think lovingly of my precious Father Jack Frances Townsend who was born to this life on 4 October 1914 and entered Eternal Life on 17 October 1960. This is the first member of my family - that I know of - who died in the month in which they were born.

They say memories are golden

well maybe that is true.

We never wanted memories,

we only wanted you.

A million times we needed you,

a million times we cried.

If love alone could have saved you

you never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,

in death we love you still.

In our heart you hold a place

no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway

and heartache make a lane,

We’d walk the path to heaven

and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing seems the same.

But as God calls us one by one,

the chain will link again

Author unknown

Living with Loss

It has been too long! At last I feel well enough to begin writing once again.

I use the view from the farm house to meditate and reflect. The days are beautiful! We have had very little rain over the past months and yet the early morning mist still settles in the valleys. I love it!

I made the decision to do a quick Post after checking my Comments for the first time in months. Debby noted that she was to undergo a PET Scan. I decided to check her Blog, which resulted in this attempt.

The return of my cancer in the same breast has had ramifications leaving me to reflect on the loss in my life.

I was 12 the year my Father was taken from me in an horrific accident. He was travelling to work and the vehicle in which he was a passenger was hit by a train at a level crossing.

In 1965, just 5 years after my father's passing, I gave birth to a baby girl. As an unmarried mother, I had no way of supporting myself, let alone my beautiful baby girl. My daughter Carla was given up for adoption.

I suspect that these experiences strengthened me. Fortunately I had no idea of what lay ahead of me.

My life remained relatively normal until 1994 when my much loved husband of 27 years lost his long fought battle with cancer.

In December 2005 I had a mastectomy [after battling cancer in that breast from 2002]

I felt very much that the loss of my breast was another blow. At no time had I sought help to deal with my emotions, although I did find Prayer Counselling very useful.

The early months of 2006 were spent travelling to and from Dubbo; my Mother's health was failing. Mum died in October 2006.

There was no time to mourn her passing as my beloved youngest son Jeremy Jon was tragically killed in an horrific motor vehicle accident just weeks later. No mother ever expects to lose a child in her lifetime. A piece of me died with Jezz; my bleeding heart attempting to live with the loss.

The confirmation that my breast cancer had returned in April of this year meant my life was thrown into turmoil. I was taking Oxycontin for pain relief. It was actually a relief in some ways to find that there was a reason for the unbearable pain that had become my constant companion.

The cancer was back and actively destroying nerves and muscles; it had spread to the brachial plexus. [If you are not familiar with the brachial plexus, it is worth doing a quick search on the web.]

I was told the cancer is inoperable and incurable. Radiation the only form of treatment that would give me another chance at life.

The treatments presented no problems, although the radiation burns were very painful. It appears to have worked well on reducing the pain as I have been able to reduce my pain medication considerably.

Unfortunately, I completely lost the use of my right arm and hand. This was initially very confronting as it is my dominant hand. As I battle daily with the exercises to improve strength and fine motor skills, I have learned to accept that this is yet another loss that I must learn to live with.

There have been many tears shed as well as frustration at every turn. I have lost the desire to eat and the fatigue has almost beaten me on occasions. I have been unable to drive, due to the fatigue, and I feel that I have been imprisoned at the farm. Each time I leave the farm it is with Haydn behind the wheel and me in the passenger seat. I have missed my social outings and contact with girlfriends. Actually, it is fair to say I have missed my contact with friends, as this has meant that my blogging friends were also put on hold.

As you can see, there are times that I have felt like I have given up so much. Guess that is what has lead me to write about the loss in my life; I know your comments will educate and inspire me.

It feels good to be back.