Tuesday, February 1, 2011

What does it Mean?

'Half of what I say is meaningless; but I say it so that the other half may reach you.'
- Kahlil Gibran
Somehow I cannot help but feel that darkness has surrounded me for longer than I would like. I have taken a step forward in search of the love, light and laughter that was once my very being. This will be a brief post; to keep Indigo Dreaming alive.

Tomorrow I see my doctor and will be asking him about my test results. I do not wish to feel overly excited, however, I look forward in anticipation to the possibility that he may be able to make a phone call on my behalf. It would be wonderful to learn the outcome of the tests prior to 24 February.

It seems I have not become totally absorbed with my own problems; I am in receipt of an email that has humbled me. I consider the outcome a Gift from God. Shortly after Jeremy's accident I was fortunate to learn of Memorial web sites. I felt that setting one up would give me an interest and also provide the perfect opportunity to keep my son's memory alive. While looking at other sites I realised graphics were being done to enhance the sites; I had no idea how to go about making them! I became aware that as my photos were not digital, I had to work out how to scan them to give me images to work with. It is amazing to see just what can be achieved by a very determined Mother mourning the loss of a much loved child. Jezz would be proud of me!It all seems so long ago! I became involved with a group called Angel Families Online where I formed the most amazing friendships and received all the help I needed. In the process, I learned to do simple graphics while finding others who willingly gave up their time to assist me. The result can be seen here:

Many Memory-of friends are also FaceBook friends. I feel sure the writer of the following email will not mind that I have chosen to share it with you. She writes, (in part only:)

 'I always went to your son's page because he was a so special. God sent him to you and he was your 'miracle' baby. I have seen the pics of the whole breast procedure on fb and it brought tears to my eyes.  I have a mass on my left breast. I ignored going to specialist until seeing this. You have taught me a lesson.'

I have chosen to share just a small portion of this email, rather than keep it private. It is my intention for readers to seek counsel thus providing a plan of action and appropriate treatment. It is important to understand that early intervention usually provides better outcomes. 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself.'

P.S. My doctor proved himself to be worth his weight in gold today. A quick phone call and my results were on his computer screen ready for viewing. My bone scan does not show any bony metastases which is good news for me.  CT Scan not as clear. There appears to be a 6mm node with poorly defined margins in the right neck. There is also an enlarging nodule in the right pectoralis now measuring 18mm. There is also a rounded 12mm nodule at the medial edge of the scar which has changed. Suspicious change in the area of the right inferior lung which may reflect further benign change or small new mass. Whew!!!!!

So my dear friends, having decided that my doctor's room will, in future, be used as a crying room I can start anytime. This is not necessarily news I wanted to hear, however, it is not something I will unduly concern myself with until I have the opportunity to discuss my condition with my oncologist. At the end of the day, I am still waiting for my appointment on 24 February. And. I did survive January 2011!

My love and gratitude to all. Chez xo


stonepost said...

Chez, it is always a little weird talking with you or posting on your blog: you know the future, it is already tomorrow in Australia!
I hope you have discovered your test results and they are positive! Medical records are going paperless over here and with a click and a code word you can find results from testing over the net. It means also that one doctor can see what another doctor is doing, all better communication!
I am reading about the fierce winds over the flooded areas of Australia and do hope that you are safe from that.

Kaz said...

Chez you are the wise one but there always seems to be a corner for you,hoping for some good news today please let me know as soon as you can..

Chez from now on when we talk i am going promise you to make you laugh at least once as you have a beautiful laugh,plus i like it when Jezza heres you talk to me in the ways he wanted once in a while.."SMILE MY FRIEND".

Love always,Kazzy.xoxo

nancyspoint said...

Chez, I just visited Jezz's memorial site and it is truly beautiful. He really was a gift in more ways than one. I love his life lesson. Dance as tho no one is watching, Sing as if no one is listening, live as if heaven is on earth and love as if you have never been hurt. Amazing wisdom in that. I'm sorry about the not so good news, but you are right to not unduly worry until you must! And yes, you did survive January. We all did!!

Maundering mutterer said...

Your blog is a wonderful place. In it, you share your heartaches and are a shining example of unselfishness and sympathy. You are my 'poster girl' for dealing gracefully with life's slings and arrows.

Alli said...

Of course you survived January, there was never any doubt :)
As far as the other, well you will take things one day at time and deal with them being the strong woman you are!

Love Alli ..xxoo

rama said...

You really write very nicely, one can feel the things you felt when we are going through your blog.
Don't worry this too shall pass. You are very brave, I don't think I would ever be able to be like you, it needs lot of courage, and determination.
Love, Rama.

Chez said...

StonePost we are 'kind of' paperless. I did discover on Wednesday that a single telephone call to the hospital and the results were on my doctor's computer almost immediately which was good.
Jerry, thank you for lighting a candle for Jeremy. He is smiling...
The storms were further north. Rain is yet to move down this way. We need it though! Thanks so much.

Kaz you are not going to start that 'dirty' talk are you? I am smiling at the thought of getting all those housekleeping tips from you. haha
Hugs my friend xo

Nancy the reason I talk about 'surviving' January is simply because it is my birth month. My Mother, Father, Husband and Son all passed in the month in which they were born.
Thank you for taking the time to visit Jeremy's site. Hugs Chez xo

Thanks Alli for the vote of confidence. That is why it is nice to have friends like you. When I doubt myself, there you are. Yep! One foot in front of the other from here on.....
Hugs Chez xo
Gee Whiz MM that is so nice. Oops! It is ok to remind me to remain humble.
Hugs Chez xo
Rama 'This too shall pass' I heard from my Mother often and over many years. A reminder to me! Thank you so much.
Guess I write from the heart. Maybe I could never write fiction eh?
Hugs Chez xo

diane b said...

Well it sounds like bad news which could have been worse. So that is good news I suppose.I am sure you will be able to cope with this news and I hope the specialist can help.

julie said...

I, as everyone visiting your blog, am happy you survived January, and continue.... You add to our lives.

Chez said...

Thanks Julie.. just waiting on test results. Who knows what is in store? That applies to each of us, just a little more uncertainty for some.