Thursday, June 16, 2011

It's Happening Way Too Fast

‘Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practise wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.’ – Mary Anne Radmacher 
It is hard for me to accept how quickly changes are taking place in my body.
 Haydn left Tuesday morning to stay with his 3 grandchildren while his Daughter and Son-in-Law visit Fiji with a view to purchasing property.
I admit to feeling a little nervous about being on my own at the farm, in spite of the fact that it was entirely my decision to 'go it alone.' My lesion had been weeping; it seemed unnecessary to 'expose' my cancer, or myself, to the children. I have services available here; it is simply a matter of making a phone call.
Wednesday afternoon my skin felt like it had the 'creepy crawlies.' Several times I went to the mirror to check for insects on my neck only to find there was nothing. I also felt as if there were maggots crawling beneath the skin's surface, just as I do now. The feeling persisted!
Things appeared to be reasonably normal when I awoke this morning. On going to shower, I noticed my lesion was, once again, weeping. It was from the original sight, which was not expected. Attempting to place shampoo into the palm of my right hand, I found I could not lift my right arm at all. I was shocked! I found myself having to physically lift it with my left hand. The whole thing seemed to have happened overnight.
As the day has gone on I have been aware of the heaviness of my right arm. It is a 'dead' weight! It is more difficult than ever to perform any tasks. Previously, I had been able to raise it unassisted. I am no longer able to do that! I am unsure of what will happen now. Today I have done a lot of screaming and yelling in the belief it is a way of releasing some of the built up tension that has been slowly accumulating since my CT Scan in late January, heralding the beginning of the progress of this 'monster.'.


fire.hawksmom said...

A long gentle hug for you Cheryl. I wish you didn't have this going on with you! I am at a loss for words... but will pray for relief and believe. My big wish is that we were close enough that I could help you with all the physical tasks of daily living! Love from across the miles...Martha

Anonymous said...

Chez, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. What a horrible disease, cancer is, and no one should have to experience it! Know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many people who you have impacted along the way. Gentle hugs to you, dear friend.

Cheryl said...

Precious Martha, I know that you are well aware of the problems associated with this terrible disease that behaves in this manner. It is truly horrible!
Today I received a lecture from a member of Haydn's family telling me this is God's punishment for my sins. That is not the Lord I know Martha♥Your prayers are always welcome here my friend.
Life life, love and laugh.♥

Cheryl said...

Thank you precious Audrey♥ This is a rough road at times. You know that better than most. I simply do not have too many options treatment wise, however, I can control my attitude.
Live life, laugh and love♥

Alli said...

Cheryl if a member of Haydn's family said that they are nothing more than an insecure bully, You never mind listening to that nonsense. Gd does not punish people by giving them Cancer .. Someone who is confident in themselves would never demean anyone especially someone going through what you are.
I think about you always when I don't see or hear from you I go into my worry mode. You go ahead yell kick and scream as loud as you feel Sometimes it really does help..
Lots of love dear friend know that I am thinking about you
Love Alli XX

Rama Ananth said...

Don't believe such nonsense. They are way, way behind you, it will take them ages to come to your level.
I am sending healing energy to you right now. Be calm and relaxed, get someone to be with you, a friend who can talk with you and give you company at this time when you are feeling so down.

Diane Rodgers said...

I so hate that you are left alone even though you gave your blessings for H to go to his grandkids. It is good to hear only a phone call and someone is there to help you.

This has to be so frightening for you my sweet friend ... I want to join you in screaming and crying as it feels nothing is better to do at this point to get out some of the emotions.

If I were your neighbor I would be there every day to help in whatever way was needed. As it is I will do my best from afar and continue to pray ... show you my love and care to you and support you in any way I can.

By the way...H's family...they are full of S %#*!!! Our God does not work that way!!!!

With love always and forever,


Anonymous said...

My dear, sweet friend, kick & scream as long and as loud as you possibly can! Do whatever gives you some release or relief. Just know that you are in the hearts and prayers of so many. And as far as the "family" member goes, don't waste any time on them or their callous remarks. They are not worth using any of your precious energy on. Always in my thoughts, my heart, and my prayers...
Your forever friend in Texas

Beth L. Gainer said...


I know blogging must be a great psychological release for you, but if you need more, please reach out to friends/family.

You are an awesome, special person. Sending hugs your way....


Sean said...

Please forgive the hurtful ignorance of those who would say such things Cheryl. Proof of their lack of insight. Again, you pick a great quote...inspiring, but considerably tougher to implement in your current condition, when life seems to have become a series of tests, but if anybody can do it, it's you my courageous friend. You know that many love you and that must help. Still praying.

Diana Doyle said...

Sending love Chez...You can fight this 'monster' with your attitude and love for life as you suggested above. I know my Mum through her positive attitude and determination made a difference to how her cancer progressed.

You are in my thoughts everyday and I hope in the upcoming days a Dr can find treatment that will make a difference.
sending a hug from L.A
Diana x

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

A message for Haydn's family: Judgement is mine. or Judge not lest ye be judged. Jesus said both.

I really hate it when people see that someone is suffering then they tell them that they must deserve it. Do young children deserve cancer?

But, dear Cheryl, these maggots! Worse than maggots because they can't be killed. It must have done something to your nerves causing you to lose the use of your arm so suddenly.

I would scream too.

Jo-Ann said...

Live life, laugh and love♥ A beautiful sentiment by a beautiful person. I wish I was one of those neighbors who you could call and I would come over~to be there, to listen, to help. I feel such a closeness to you, even though we are half a world apart and it is almost tomorrow for you and yesterday for me or vice versa. I have screamed, yelled, cried so hard and I do know it is a stress reliever, also followed by headaches. I don't know what your symptoms mean but I do know that you are a brave woman full of kindness and love for others. I hold you always in my heart and prayers Cheryl.

Kaz said...

Chezzy my friend,I will always be here for you but can't seem to write the words i want and come out right.Sorry next time we talk on phone i will..

Chez would love to be your right arm,miles across doesn't help but i will always be a ear to listen.

Love you special friend,Kaz.xo

fire.hawksmom said...

Dear Cheryl,
Please ignore the lecture you received. The God we serve is kind, forgiving and full of mercy! He loved us so much that he gave his only begotten Son! WOW...does this sound like a God that would "punish" you with this terrible disease?? ((((NO))))
Ignorance or just plain cruelty is inexcusable for anyone that would use their religious beliefs to "kick" someone when they are already down!! I have very little patience with self righteousness when we should focus as Christians on humbling ourselves and lifting others up in prayer as we may find ourselves in much need one day too!! Just please don't let this bear on your mind and take any energy from you!
Many things I don't understand Cheryl but I live and believe that one day I will....Love. hugs and always wishing I could do more my friend♥♥ *Martha*

Cheryl said...

Precious Alli this week has been particularly difficult. I actually enjoyed Haydn's absence, particularly as Haydn had done lots of food prep with me prior to his departure. Food is the biggest issue these days.
As far as Haydn's sister goes I must learn to put that aside as I know she told her own sister she will not be given entrance unless she reads the Bible daily.
I will be in touch shortly. Seem to have been on my own little retreat my friend. Thanks for your presence in my life.
Live life, laugh and love♥

Cheryl said...

Thank you so very much Rama. You are so sweet♥
I simply do the best I can with passion and love. I have my own faith and belief system. I am not able to quote passages from the Bible as some of my friends are and yet I believe I am a good person with a kind heart.
Thankfully, I have been able to put Annette behind me.
Live life, laugh and love♥

Cheryl said...

Di I do think you are right about H's family being full of you know what!!!!
It is interesting that so many of the comments have focused on Annette's comment rather than my dilemma and the more recent difficulty with my right arm. Thank you for your empathy my sweet friend. I know you would make a great neighbour. One that I could count on!
Live life, laugh and love my friend♥

Cheryl said...

Precious Judy♥ I have found the screaming and crying to be most uaeful the past couple of days. I think I have seen first hand why we should be concerned about religious fanatics. Haydn normally protects me from his sister. I cfan put her behind me as I have wonderful friends like you and all that visit me on these pages.
Live life, laugh and love my friend♥

Cheryl said...

Thank you so much Beth. This week has been most troublesome and yet I am sure I will find a good way to make the best of a bad lot.
Live life, laugh and love♥

Cheryl said...

My dear friend Sean, as I said to Martha, prayers are still welcome here. Haydn wanted to say something to his sister, however, I am discouraging it as it is simply not worth it.
Glad you like the quote.I ♥ it myself. Would not have believed that things could become more difficult and yet it is happening. More challenges! Must remain focused and that is where your friendship comes in. I can only do this because I have my 'Dream Team.'
Thank you also for your presence in my life Sean.
Live life, laugh and love♥

Cheryl said...

So sweet. Thank you Diana♥ 'Attitude' is what I have to work with these days. My 'great' health days seem to be behind me although I am not giving up that easily.
Haydn insists if there is treatment anywhere I only have to find it and we can 'do it'although it does not seem to be quite that simple for me.
The doctors here have seen little of this. I think I am beginning to understand why my Mother referred to me as the 'Black Sheep'of the family.
It is lovely to know that you are there walking with me on this journey lovely lady.
Live life, laugh and love♥

Cheryl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cheryl said...

Sue, you are so very good at 'nailing' it with your comments. Jesus did say both and yet Annette, who knows the Bible back to front, continues to judge.
Haydn seemed to feel that the sensation of 'creepy crawlies' was something to do with fluid build up and its release with the weeping, and also damage to the nerve endings.
It seems you are absolutely correct. I will mention it when I see the doctor on Wednesday. So grateful to you as I also intend to use the thoughts of your comment on my previous poist.
Live life, laugh and love♥

Cheryl said...

Jo♥Ann I am very grateful to you for your presence in my life. I feel sure our angels have a way of 'picking' out the very friends that make a difference to us on our journey.
Maybe I should do more screaming rather than eating chocolate as I have eaten three blocks in the paqst three days. Bought two more today. Ceryainly not good for me my sweet friend. Friends like you are a much healthier option. I really could do with having you as my neighbour. The isolation at the farm is my biggest enemy.
Thank you so much for your presence in my life.
Live life, laugh and love♥

Cheryl said...

Kaz I am sure I know what you mean my friend so please don't worry about the words. Kassie knew what she was doing when she brought us together and I am so grateful to you for your presence in my life my sweet friend.
Live life, laugh and love♥

Cheryl said...

Martha, there is little for me to say in response sweet lady but 'Thank You.' It does mean the world to me that you have come back with your reassurance. I love it and appreciate you more than you know. Thank you my lovely friend. May Gods bless you and hold you in the palm of His hand ♥

sm said...

you are strong and sure you will handle it
good luck

nancyspoint said...

Chez, I am so sorry you have to go through this. All I can say is go ahead, scream and cry all you want. I'm a great believer in both when necessary. I know what you mean about not minding the solitude. Sometimes I like that too. My thoughts are with you. Sending hugs.

nollyposh said...

Hi Cheryl, Check if you are having an allergic reaction to medication... i had that creepy, crawly feeling beneath the skin once & it turned out i was allergic to one of my meds... i have also had a similar feeling when fever has started upon me... (((Hugs))) You are brave doing things alone... But remember you are never truly alone in bloggy worlde X:-)

Cheryl said...

SM I certainly hope and pray for the strength to 'conquer' this one

Cheryl said...

Nancy, it is lovely to know that you are with me in thought. Sometimes, there are no answers so I will continue to 'battle on' gathering strength from my 'Dream Team.' Live, Love and Laugh♥

Cheryl said...

NollyPosh I am a believer that others come into our life for a reason and I am very grateful to you for your help with these things. I will remember that, and mention it to my doctor.
Live, Love and Laugh♥

gillian said...

Thinking of you and hope you have no further contact with Hadyn's relative who said that to you. What rubbish!

Cheryl said...

I can understand why you would say that Gillian. Best I can probably do is avoid her. Thanks for your thoughts Cheryl xo