‘Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practise wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.’ – Mary Anne Radmacher
It is hard for me to accept how quickly changes are taking place in my body.
Haydn left Tuesday morning to stay with his 3 grandchildren while his Daughter and Son-in-Law visit Fiji with a view to purchasing property.
I admit to feeling a little nervous about being on my own at the farm, in spite of the fact that it was entirely my decision to 'go it alone.' My lesion had been weeping; it seemed unnecessary to 'expose' my cancer, or myself, to the children. I have services available here; it is simply a matter of making a phone call.
Wednesday afternoon my skin felt like it had the 'creepy crawlies.' Several times I went to the mirror to check for insects on my neck only to find there was nothing. I also felt as if there were maggots crawling beneath the skin's surface, just as I do now. The feeling persisted!
Things appeared to be reasonably normal when I awoke this morning. On going to shower, I noticed my lesion was, once again, weeping. It was from the original sight, which was not expected. Attempting to place shampoo into the palm of my right hand, I found I could not lift my right arm at all. I was shocked! I found myself having to physically lift it with my left hand. The whole thing seemed to have happened overnight.
As the day has gone on I have been aware of the heaviness of my right arm. It is a 'dead' weight! It is more difficult than ever to perform any tasks. Previously, I had been able to raise it unassisted. I am no longer able to do that! I am unsure of what will happen now. Today I have done a lot of screaming and yelling in the belief it is a way of releasing some of the built up tension that has been slowly accumulating since my CT Scan in late January, heralding the beginning of the progress of this 'monster.'.