Saturday, June 11, 2011

Where to From Here?




'A bodily disease which we look upon as whole and entire in itself, may, after all, be but a symptom of some ailment in the spiritual past.'
- Nathaniel Hawthorn

It has been some time since my last Post, possibly because life seems to have been a succession of appointments and tests. It is now time to contemplate my options, although they may appear to be limited.

This 'little beauty' has grown from less than 3cm to approximately 20cm since the end of January. How much longer will it continue to behave in this way? No one knows!

My 'amazing' oncologist has recommended a course of chemotherapy, although he admits it may have little or no effect. The recommendation is for an infusion of Liposomal Doxorubicin by drip into the vein. This would take place every 28 days.

I have been told that not every one gets all of the potential side effects and yet my concern is always the same. If anyone is going to get them, it will be me. There are two issues that perturb me. One is the possible risk of localised reaction at the sight. Given that I have very little use of my right arm/hand, should the reaction in the left be severe, it leaves me in a bind. The same applies for the possible risk of peripheral neuropathy, including hand and foot syndrome. Given that my skin reaction to previous radiation was severe, I am at also at an increased risk for radiation recall. Do I really need to go through that again?

Is there a suitable treatment for recurring, metastatic breast disease that does not have a list a mile long of potentially life threatening risks and side effects?

At this time, I am contemplating saying 'NO' to chemo and taking a chance on moving away from the farm, and the isolation, to put myself into a position somehow that will allow me to spend time in the company of people and also to be of service.

More on that option later!




28 comments:

Kaz said...

Chezzy my dear dear friend hope u can feel my gentle hugs from miles across.the last pic. you can see the size has gotten bigger.If anyone can win this awful battle you can and yes you seem to always have to fight harder.

we have talked before and think for you to suround your self with love of your friends and family would be one good medicine that won't hurt you.

Love you always,Kaz,xo

rama said...

There is always some option, however unbelievable it might seem.
So even now it is not too late, if you are a Reiki channel do Reiki to your self regularly and see the results soon enough, either you would feel better by itself or you would find another way to help you.
We must be aware of all possibilities in life, if one door closes another or many other doors may be open, but we must be willing to look for them. No use banging at one door and saying you are stuck.
I am praying everyday for you, but it is you who must be prepared to heal your self, and the quote you have put is apt for your condition, do you get the message?
Love, Rama.

Emmy said...

Oh how I wish there is some cure! Keep fighting Chez and yes surround yourself by friends and family who care, after all they say happiness is the best medicine. Keep the hope that something will be found or who knows your own body may fight it off for you? Let's pray.

stonepost said...

Cheryl, my friend, please get rid of that quote from Nathaniel Hawthorn! It is so very wrong and speaks of a punishing vindictive God. It is not true at all.
Chemotherapy is a bitch, I don't think I would have it in me to do again and in its sucessful killing of my cancer it did a lot of collateral damage as well. "like delicate surgery with a hand grenade"! lol! Yes, surround yourself with good people, good thoughts and positive things to do.
Make a list that is not completable and then add to it daily~ you are a fighter, be amongst friends!

Julie Goodale said...

Very soft hugs! I know you will figure out the best option for you. Surround yourself with friends & good things. And know that wherever you are & whatever you choose to do, you are also surrounded with a lot of virtual love from all over the world.

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

Hi Cheryl
I'm with Stonepost on the quote. It appears to be a variation of you reap what you sow and nothing you could have done would make you deserving of this awful legion. Is this the only site they found for the recurrence?
So they are recommending systemic treatment for a localized cancer giving you poor odds that it will be helpful and great odds of nasty side effects. It seems that I would pass too.
I can't imagine the distress of watching this monster grow before my eyes. I am so so sorry that this is what you are dealing with.

rama said...

Jerry you got the quote all wrong, it means that there is some trauma from your present past which you are not able to address and resolve. Whatever unresolved issues are there in the mind manifests itself on our body and uses our body as an outlet.
It has nothing to do with our past , nor does it remotely even mean God's punishment. How can you even come to such conclusion?
It only means that something is bothering your mind, it pushes you to heal that wound so that your physical self too automatically gets healed.
It means go to the root cause and heal it .

Anonymous said...

Hi Cheryl - I'm not going to suggest what is the right course for you to take, as only you can come to that conclusion, but I did want to offer a thought. I too have issues with my brachial plexus, and indeed some soft tissue infiltration in almost the same location as you due to BC mets, although not as severe looking at your photos. I know all of our bodies, and indeed our cancers are different, but it is possible that the chemo may be able to give you some relief in this area, and you may be able to tell even as fast as one or two cycles. And if it's intolerable then just stop, but there may be a positive outcome here if the tumor shrinks and the wound is then able to heal.

BreastCancerSisterhood.com said...

Your choices aren't easy ones, are they? I think you're onto something though, thinking about becoming less isolated.

XOXOXO,
Brenda

nollyposh said...

For peripheral neuropathy of my hands and feet i used : Dr vera's-Acetyl-L-Carnitine and BioCeuticals- Lipoec 200 and they cured it!!! (i know i am still amazed myself and forever grateful to my wonderful chemist and i am not the only one to have had success with these products!) Sending ~Healing~ thoughts x

Diana Doyle said...

Dearest Chez,

I was shocked to read your post, I'm so sorry things aren't going the way you hoped.

Sometimes in life we have limited choices and it's scary not to know which 'choice' to make. I'm sure as you are so wise you will make the right one for you.

I will carry you in my thoughts in hope things get better. You are such a giving lady Chez, I'm betting your friends and family will surround you with love at this time.

Please stay in touch.
love
Diana x

Diane Rodgers said...

My dearest Cheryl,

I just left my comment and it came up error and it was gone....GRRRRRRRR!!!

Maybe it was not meant to get to you so I will just say I love you from the bottom of my heart... I am trusting in your decisions for your life regarding your health and home...

I know you will look deep inside your heart and mind and come to the answers you so desperatly need.. Jesus says "Come to me all of you who are heavy with burden and I will grant you refuge and peace"...

I will continue to pray you find that inner quiet voice and come to your decisions which are the best for you ...

With much love as always, Cheryl..

Di
xoxox

Cheryl said...

Thanks so much Kaz; can always feel the warmth of your friendship and love.
We both know that I will come to a point of 'decision making' and will easily live with that.
Love, light and laughter Chez♥

Cheryl said...

Thanks Rama. The quote is an interesting concept and I see it has left the door open to all possibilities. I have in my mind a couple of 'options', however, do not feel ready to put them 'out there' as yet.
Love, light and laughter Chez♥

Cheryl said...

Thanks sweet Emmy. I am always mindful that as long as I am alive there is the endless possibility of a suitable treatment becoming available.
Although this is not easy, I know it is 'do-able.'
Love, light and laughter Chez♥

Cheryl said...

Although I am aware of your reasoning regarding the suitability of the quote Jerry, it simply means I am looking at all aspects of my condition. I really do not see this 'monster' as a 'punishment' and, in fact, it has nothing whatsoever to do with a vindictive God in my humble opinion. I am glad however, that you have let me know your thoughts and I thank you for that.
Sue has certainly 'nailed' it in pointing out the dangers of killing off both the good and the bad cells for a little localised recurrence. I 'can and will' do this.
Love, light and laughter Chez

Cheryl said...

Thank you so much Julie.I certainly feel that and know how important it is to me for my success.
Love, light and laughter Chez♥

Cheryl said...

Sue you could not have put it more succintly; my thoughts exactly although your words are 'perfect' and that is what I will be putting to my oncologist on 22nd.
Love, light and laughter Chez♥

Cheryl said...

Dear Anon
I appreciate your comment and would like to ask a couple of questions, however, I have no way of getting in touch with you.Maybe you could email me?
Love, light and laughter Chez♥

Cheryl said...

My dear sweet Brenda, no they are not easy choices. With the Grace of God I will receive the answers to my questions. After all, He said 'Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be opened.'
Love light and laughter Chez♥

Cheryl said...

NollyPost I am so very grateful to you for the information regarding periphal neuropathy, particularly as some of my friends suffer dreadfully since chemotherapy. You are a champion!
Love, light and laughter Chez♥

Cheryl said...

Diana, somehow I get the sense that I 'can' do this as difficult and challenging as it, at times, appears.
I often find that blogging opens doors for me that I may not otherwise have been aware of.
Thank you for your presence in my life.
Love, light and laughter Chez♥

Cheryl said...

Doesn't that just make you mad Di?
You are probably right in thinking that these words are just what I needed and I thank you for that.
Last night I spent too much time thinking about my current situation and too little time sleeping and today I am paying te price.
It is always comforting to feel the love that surrounds me.
Love, light ad Laughter Chez♥

gillian said...

Sjoe! Just been reading a few posts back as seem to have missed out on things. I think some people are being very negative about the chemo and the possible outcome - although who am I to say? But I wouldn't write off treatment so readily.
I didn't know you lived on a farm. Love the pic of the rainbow a few postings back! Lotsa love and will be thinking of you as you make your decision. Good luck.

fire.hawksmom said...

Hi Cheryl
I'm not on much these days but I really am sorry to see the latest pictures here of you and the "monster" that is rearing it's ugly self!
I will keep you in my thoughts, as I already do and I will for sure send prayers up for you as well.
I know you will have to be at terms with your decision no matter what it is and we will pray for the right direction to be given to you Cheryl. I always wish for the best for you in all things!
Love, Light and Laugh....love the sign off you have!
Love, Martha

Cheryl said...

Gillian..my thanks for renewing our friendship. As far as the chemo is concerned, most of the negativity comes from me. For the first time in my life I am struggling in the decision making process.
The views at the farm are spectacular; would be even better with regular visitors to share the joy.
Our timing, the move here, was not quite the 'right' time.
Love, Light and Laughter♥

Cheryl said...

Martha♥ I really do appreciate hearing your thoughts. I believe you may have some knowledge of a similar situation and am hoping to be able to call you to talk.
In the meantime, all the Love, Light and Laughter that is required to raise your spirits my friend

Sean said...

My take on Hawthorn's quote is to encourage one not to be consumed by the disease itself. Your thoughts are often laced with spiritual philosophy concerning your illness and always resolute. Such positive energy can only help. I agree with Brenda, a move is a big decision of course...but you are so very social, you flourish exchanging thoughts with others and have a great deal to offer. It certainly deserves consideration. Thinking of you Cheryl and praying for physical healing for you. Your spiritual health is always incredible and inspires guidance.
Bless you my friend,
Sean