11.1.11 Celebrating Life

The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity - Seneca, Roman philosopher

 Celebrating my birthday on 11.1.11 was quite special for me. Not for any reason other than there have been times I doubted I would make it.

This beautiful Birthday Post Card was organised as a surprise. My special friend Kaz, a resident of Maine, posted this on my Facebook wall. I was overcome with emotion! It is definitely something to be printed onto canvas for framing. Thanks Kaz for this 'Memory Moment' which I will treasure all of my days

As my regular readers are aware there is a 'family history' of birth/death in the same month. Always the question to be asked 'Is this the year?'

Interestingly enough, I saw my doctor on my birthday. The discussion centered around the outcome of last week's appointment with my 'new' oncologist. Dr Sales said he felt there had to be 'just cause' for extensive testing given my situation. It was not simply about furthering the education of the medical profession. As I was unsure of what he meant, I asked him to 'please explain?' He made it clear that, given the tests were likely to show the reason for growth and increasing pain on and around the clavicle, as well as hard nodules below, there had to be treatment options available. The answer is a definite 'Yes' although my thoughts, at this time, are that 'quality' of life will always take  precedence over 'duration' of life.

As with most things, that is easy to say now. Time will tell! After all,Damian and Tyneal will present me with the gift of grandchild number 10 in June.

Breast Cancer and the Lotus Blooms

Today is Vanessa's birthday.

May your birthday be filled with yesterday's memories, today's joys and tomorrow's dreams Ness.

Last year I purchased this Angel Wings Lotus plant on Jeremy's birthday. It was not doing well in a pot on the Al Fresco area; I suggested to Haydn that we put it in the dam. The spot was chosen because it was easily accessible. We then found that it had completely disappeared and we were unable to find even the pot. That was until Spring arrived and the lotus gave birth to new leaves once again! We waited patiently for the lotus to bloom for Jeremy's birthday on 16th November and then again for his Angel Date 21st. We wondered why it was taking its time. What better time than today to celebrate Ness' Birthday. Unfortunately 50ml of rain over the past 24 hours meant taking this picture from afar. I was concerned enough for my own safety that I retreated, camera in hand, when I began to slip and slide down the bank towards the dam.

I first met Ness when I arrived in Bairnsdale in November 2006 to organise Jeremy's Celebration of Life Service. It was there I met this most delightful young woman. Jezz had been telling me about her for weeks. Vanessa's Mum told me that her daughter had been given a new lease on life thanks to my son. Jezz was always capable of giving 'new life' to everything he touched.

It broke my heart to later learn that Ness had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I often reflect on the accident, and the diagnosis, and wonder about the correlation between the two. As a 33 year old Ness endured surgery, chemotherapy and radiation followed  by reconstruction in August this year.

Although the details may not be 'perfect,' there are a couple of things that stand out for both of us. The first was the Sentinel Node Biopsy which led the surgeon to nodes deep within the chest wall that were cancerous. Her surgeon even suggested she had angels on her side; she just smiled. Apparently the circumstances were most unusual. A first for him! He said had it not shown up like that he would never have known to remove those nodes and who knows what the outcome may have been. Because of the extent of the surgery Ness was in extreme pain and then had a serious reaction to the morphine being administered.

I later received a message from her taken while undergoing radiation. She said 'Can you believe it? The roof is covered with butterflies. He's always around when I need him.' Maybe it helps that Vanessa means butterfly!

Vanessa is now engaged to be married and has put her treatment, and her disease, behind her. Ness, you will always hold a special place in my heart sweetie; Jezz and I wish you the very best for your future happiness.

The Week That Was....

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”....Kahlil Gibran

Having felt that I successfully survived 'Spirit Child' Jeremy's Birthday on the 16th, followed by his Angel Date on 21st, I was totally unprepared to find everything come crashing down around me.

So what happened?

Maybe it had something to do with an email from my very special friend Starry. I think, from memory, that I was the first person to leave a comment on her new blog when she commenced blogging all those years ago over at Bigpond. It quickly became apparent that we shared something very special. The words of her email have touched me deeply; there is no better place to share, and invite your welcome comments.

.....'I've just been really absorbing all your blog posts I've missed even the ones in between times I've commented. You have been sharing so prolifically I wanted to give you my full attention. Your life shouldn't be something I just squeeze into a spare few minutes here and there, after all I find you a completely fascinating and inspirational person.

 I think I might also have been delaying reading as I sensed you might be trying to tell me you are going to move on soon and that I might have to acknowledge that to you... though I don't want to assume too much since as you say you are still alive, and you might not be quite ready to go yet. So how do I tell you what I think or feel? You have to know that I simply accept you. I totally respect you. I'd love it if you stayed forever, but I will never ask you to suffer more. I accept your journey and I accept the journey of our friendship and this acceptance is one of the most enriching experiences of my life. Jezz will tell you, I'm scrappy, I'm a fighter, but I'm learning from you how to be that and still have grace and dignity, you're a great role model for me Chez.'

Knowing that January is close, and I am fascinated by family members that have been born in the month of their passing into Eternal Life, it has always seemed natural to believe that would be the case with myself. Well! I thought that I was ready. But maybe not....

I believe that we are given situations in life that allow our own spirits to grow. The more our souls gain from our life's experiences, the closer we become to God. My choice is to become more 'God like'

The messages that I am receiving are slightly ambiguous. Yes! It would be easy to 'give in' to my illness. It seems I have been 'doing battle' to stay alive for so long however, I am not yet ready for it to end. I do believe that my life's purpose has not yet been achieved. So..thank you sweet Starry for the carefully chosen, and thoughtful content, of your email. I am planning on staying around, God willing, no matter how great the hardship.

Last night I watched as Altiyan Childs took out the finals of X Factor Australia. His version of 'Somewhere in the World' speaks volumes to me as I negotiate this journey of life. It has been tears, tears and more healing tears for me today. 

'Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.'

Kahlil Gibran

Celebrating Carla's Life

It was around the time of Carla's 30th birthday that she met me for the first time. Until then she  had lived with the pain of believing she was not wanted. She had been given up for adoption because there was no choice!

Ray had lovingly accepted Carla's birth - why else would he have given me flowers on the 19th October each year? Somehow, with living overseas followed by different states of Australia, I was unaware of the changes to adoption laws which were different in Victoria and NSW. Having done nothing to prevent my daughter making contact, I believed it was simply that she did not wish to. Shortly after Ray's passing the NSW adoption laws changed. I registered with the Reunion Information Register and was advised that Carla was also registered. Our names were exchanged by the New South Wales Department of Community Services. I was excited at the prospect of meeting the daughter that had been given up at birth. Nothing happened! I could not believe it. Surely my daughter knew I wanted her? I had been advised her name was Carla, I had been given a copy of her Birth Certificate.

In reality, my daughter Carla was working through the issues that had been confusing her for many years. Not being renowned for my patience, I waited as long as I could before picking up the phone to call the number I had been given. Carla and I began chatting and it continues to this day.

As we celebrate Carla's birthday today, I am using her words to complete this post:

'I was about 11 when my mum and dad first told me that i was adopted. At the time i didn't really understand so i just let it go.  When i was 15 i asked mum why i was adopted, she said because i was special, that my birth mother couldn't look after me and that her and dad really wanted a baby.  At 16 i asked them could they help me find my birth mother, mum was 100% supportive, dad didn't think it was a good idea, as far as he was concerned i was his daughter, so the journey began.  Mum showed me my adoption papers, next we put my name on the adoption register and waited, we visited the hospital where i was born to try to obtain any sort of information, unfortunately the hospital had closed and the records had been moved, by the time i was 19 i gave up with the thought it is her loss not mine, she obviously hadn't told anyone about me.  When i had my first son at 22 it all came flooding back, the unanswered questions who was i where did i belong, i couldn't understand how any mother could give her baby up, did she feel i wasn't worth it, i had to know so the search began again, to no avail, i was told that my birth mothers name was not on the register therefore she did not want to be conntacted, by this stage i really didn't care if i ever met her, i can remember though looking up all the townsends in the sydney phone book and ringing each number asking if cheryl lived there, so i guess deep down i wanted some answers.  Then the phone call came 3 days before my 30th birthday, the adoption agency rang and told me that my mother wanted to make contact, i just cried, i drove straight to mum and dads and told them they both cried with me.  i was so excited to  finally know what happened and why i was given up.  I still remember the first time she rang like it was yesterday, it was true i had another mother, we talked and talked and talked, it was always comfortable from day one, we finally decided to meet the following march at the sydney train station, me and my son and cheryl and her son. jeremy picked me straight away and from that moment i became his big sister, it was so overwhelming, i was nervous, happy, scared and so full of questions, but i needn't have worried because as soon as we saw eachother it all fell into place, we had the best day, i didn't ask many questions mainly because i just wanted this moment to last and knew that we would have plenty of time to ask and answer questions.  It has been 15 years since we first made contact and i am so glad that cheryl decided to take the step in finding me, not only have i met my best friend, my mother but a person that i am proud to call mum, we have a wonderful relationship and yes just for the record cheryl does nag and tell me how it is just like a typical mother but i wouldn't have it any other way.'

Thank you for coming into our lives Carla.