Who Am I?

If I am not my Breast Cancer and I am not my Grief then 'Who am I?'

Why is is that I am feeling that I have little in my life other than my cancer and my grief. Having mentioned the word 'coincidence' several times lately I have come to realise there is a 'pattern' to my life of late. It is not just a coincidence that I am in this place. It probably began at the time of my marriage to Haydn. In 1996 we returned from our honeymoon. On the way home I began to question  myself, asking if I had made a mistake?  Haydn and I were 'soul mates' during our courtship. Or so it seemed!  Haydn's daughter Claire now says I was 'duped.' The person that courted me was not the father she knew or the man I married. Anyway, that aside, I suspect I suffered from depression in the early days and was very grateful that I found the strength to leave. I felt I had reclaimed my life.

My Breast Cancer diagnosis in March 2003 had little effect on my day to day activities and it was enough for Haydn and I to resume our life together. I had a melanoma removed in 1996 and considered myself blessed to have been referred to a surgeon that believed anything resembling a melanoma should be removed fully rather than biopsied. The world was my oyster. I was never going to see my son an orphan. I felt well and optimistic.

At the time of Jeremy's accident in November 2006 Claire was preparing to depart for New York. Haydn sold the family home as it was our intention to retire in June 2007 and move to a new home at the farm. It was to be a 'new beginning' for us. Haydn's business partner put a stop to the Company trading account that June, being the end of our Financial Year. We ended up preparing for a court battle, as well as living in a site shed at the factory for as long as it took to wind things up. That turned out to be 18 months. I suspect the 'rot' began to sink in about that time. Friends that I had known for years appeared not to be able to handle my loss. I began to withdraw and preferred to be alone at the shopping centres where I could simply drink coffee and watch the world go by. There were less tears that way!

I realise that life with Haydn can be difficult due to his antisocial behaviour. He can be intolerant! He has more than enough good points to compensate. That was not a problem when I was well and we lived in town. I simply lived my own life allowing him to do the same. I loved my role in the Charismatic Renewal as well as my study to become a team member at the Newcastle Healing Rooms. It pleased me to have the opportunity to undertake the preparation to be a Prayer Counsellor. As long as I had a vehicle and a telephone I felt free! And then, of course, I was preparing to  become a Funeral Celebrant.

'Is freedom a state of mind?' I am confused! I am lost! Today, I received a note from Brenda which touched me so deeply that I sat began to sob.

'If only I could understand the reason for my crying. If only I could stop this fear of dreaming that I'm dying' - Laura Palmer

Several times I have skirted around the situation with life as it is today. Yesterday I commented to Haydn that I do not like the person I have become. I even admitted to feeling resentment towards him, meaning that I see him living his dream while I feel 'trapped.' When he told me that his late wife Leigh had said the same thing warning bells rang in my ears.

For more than 2 years I have lived with the pain and uncertainty of life. That is doable! Today I realised that the love in my heart has been replaced by fear. Living with the uncertainty of my condition is bearable. I have come to the conclusion that I  am not ready to die. This has come as a complete shock. I had believed that the date was written in the Book of Life. My role in life no more than simply 'being.' It may be nothing more than to be of service to others that will give me a feeling of contentment:

'Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy'....Lao Tzu

Since beginning this blog I have used my writing as a tool to keep me strong. And positive! Although it may seem that all is well in my little world, in reality I am afraid.  I have recently used ideas from Brenda's Blog to resurrect tools acquired over many years to reclaim my life in the belief that I will return to a healthy state of mind allowing the fear in my heart to be replaced with love once more. For those interested in what Brenda had to say, the words that allowed the flood gates to open -

'Cheryl My Darling, You haven't given up on any front!! You've had so much loss to deal with plus your own cancer. I think you've done an exceptional job at surviving mentally, physically and emotionally. Yes, there are aspects of your life you wish were different, but you're taking back your power and making changes that will benefit you and Haydn. I'm so proud of you for putting more of an emphasis on yourself. The hypnosis tapes, meditating, prayer, will all help you get centered so you can move forward and make better decisions from a place of calm. Bravo! You don't have to fix everything, today, but embrace those small changes and tweak them in for the maximum benefit. I'm proud of you! You've got grit, girl! XOXOXO, Brenda'

All Over the Place

Like my thoughts, at times, these Posts are 'all over the place.' This comes about primarily as a result of comments to previous posts. You know how it is with someone like me. One thing leads to another and 'hello' there is another thought and, surprise, surprise, I have something to say on the subject. My children, and friends, understand this only too well.. This was exactly what happened when there was a whisper of financial hardship and another of being interested in Ray's journey into Eternal Life.

Knowing that my children have lived in another state most, or all, of their adult lives, there are many times they were completely unaware of exactly what was happening at home. The last couple of months of Ray's life were memorable. Hard to believe I know, but true! Definitely deserves a mention here.

Ray was not a catholic, and I think he was even a little concerned at the thought of approaching his Mum to tell her he had met the woman of his dreams. How would he go about explaining to her that I was a catholic? I remember the trip from Dubbo to Sydney knowing that it was time to tell her that we would be marrying in the Catholic Church. His Mum Pearl was thrilled and had no problems with anything her 'baby' did. Ray was the youngest of 5 and, till the day he died, was referred to as her 'baby.' Ray was happy for the children to receive the Sacraments and to be raised as Catholics but gave no thought to it for himself.

Then in January 1994 Ray asked for my thoughts about him converting to Catholicism. I agreed that if that was what he wanted, I would be delighted to help in any way I could. We had been attending Prayer Meetings, and were involved with the Charismatic Renewal where we both experienced the Power of the Holy Spirit working in a deeper and more meaningful way in our lives. Under the guidance of Father Tony Brady and Tina Martinelli at St. Patrick's Church Wallsend we experienced the most amazing healing. We were both looking for a miracle for Ray and, in many ways we found it, although not in the way we expected.

Ray had been receiving treatment for his cancer for many years, which consisted of immunotherapy, including adjuvant immunotherapy under the guidance of Professor Peter Hersey. There was no further treatment available and he was living 'one day at a time.' I took Ray to see Father Brady to receive instruction. After a short time, on our very first meeting, Father said that instruction would not be necessary in Raymond's case. He was a already a 'Child of God' and Father could see that there was a miracle, of sorts, happening. I remember meeting Robin, the secretary in the office at St Mary's Primary School. She was familiar with the family as Jeremy was a student, I ran a Kumon Study Centre and baked my favourite Carrot Cake recipe for her regularly. The school principal, David Carty had offered  Ray the opportunity to keep the lawns and gardens of the school mowed. In actual fact Number One Son Damian did most of the work, with assistance from Jeremy and myself, without taking anything away from Ray. He was able to feel good about the contribution he made to the family. David had a heart of gold, allowing me to run my study centre from the school free of charge, we also received payment for the lawn mowing which helped enormously at a time that we struggled financially.  Robin spoke of the joy of seeing, and touching, Ray as it gave her a feeling of having been blessed. She claimed that there was an aura surrounding him that had not been visible  previously. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I felt it was no longer a level playing field at home.

Father simply said that he thought the best time for Ray to be received into the Church would be the Healing Mass on the third Wednesday in January. There are no words to describe the presence of the Holy Spirit on that night. My Mother visiting from Dubbo and, along with my sister Toni, sat fascinated at what took place that evening. I only wish I had the words to describe the energy in the room. The mass was not held in the church. Like all Healing Masses, it was held in the school hall. It was obvious to all present that something very special took place that night; Ray was truly blessed ,just as we all were by being present.

After the mass, complete strangers embraced Ray and showered him with precious personal gifts. They will always be treasured within our family. How I wish we had a video recording of the night. Ray received personal items such as Lourdes Water and Rosary Beads that had been blessed by the Pope. The very fact that people were prepared to part with personal items spoke volumes about the affect the service had on them.

Stay tuned. My 'regular' entries do not always go according to plan as I am being greatly effected by fatigue at the moment. It appears that my metastatic lump has moved upwards and I am unsure of the most appropriate course of action. I think the next entry will be....towards the end. Oops! Meaning for Ray. Not me.