IRE-Nanoknife

‘To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing’ – Author Unknown

I have just come from reading a Post by Nolly Posh (aka Vicki @ http://nollyposh.blogspot.com/2011/07/nanoknife.html on the subject of IRE Nanoknife. Thank you Vicki; this has given me new hope.  Apparently, this treatment, which can be performed on soft tissue cancers, is being utilised at the Alfred Hospital in Melbourne.

That in itself brings back memories. In March 1990 my late husband Raymond was admitted to the Alfred where he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. After more than 7 hours in surgery, his neurologist came out and broke the news. His words! 'This is very serious!' It was! At 48 years of age Ray was paralysed completely down the left side. At that time, we owned and operated, the Lakes Entrance Squash and Fitness Centre. Eldest son Damian was left in charge of the Centre, with help from a special friend Marianne Hocking. Jeremy, who was only 8, was 'off loaded' to an amazing family. The Allen family looked after him as one of their own. It is times like that you feel truly blessed to have such amazing friends.

Unfortunately, at that time it was determined that Ray also had a tumour on the lung. It was necessary for him to undergo intensive rehabilitation before he became a candidate to surgically remove the lesion on the lung. We were transported daily, by ambulance, from the Alfred to the Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre for Ray to undergo radiotherapy. The facilities were 'amazing' (there we go again with THAT word) in that they provided accommodation at all times which enabled me to be with Raymond 24/7. We were truly blessed to have a Cardio Thoracic Registrar on the ward that advised me to take Raymond home two weeks post op. Fortunately, he recognised that Ray was at risk of depression which could possibly have kept him there for an extended period of time. I remember the fear I felt as we left the hospital. Ray was only just out of the wheelchair. I need not have worried. As we drove through the Latrobe Valley, heading for Lakes Entrance, we stopped for coffee. From that moment Ray's condition improved. We were going home, after 18 weeks. The family would be waiting; we would be together again.

This post did not quite go in the direction in which I intended, however, it does give you a little more insight into my 'decision making' process. Either Ray or I have been on the 'cancer' journey since 1978. He lost his battle in 1994. I had a melanoma removed in 1996. With the exception of 2 years, either he or I have had cancer. I don't see,, or hear the fat lady

Tomorrow, I will be ringing my Breast Care co-ordinator to relay this latest information, in the belief that I will be well informed. Better able to make decisions that will do more good than harm. There has to be a way than chemotherapy.

Another Way to Carry Raymond With Me

A visit from Adrian Quain, (Funeral Director) some time after Ray's funeral, provided an unexpected surprise. I was overwhelmed to learn that he had taken the liberty of collecting Ray's cremated remains from the Beresfield Crematorium, in order to minimise costs, and had been holding them on my behalf. He decided to take just the tiniest amount of Ray's created remains and to place them on the back of a Holy Card with the verse SAFELY HOME before having it laminated. He provided the explanation that this was not something he had previously undertaken and yet he was determined to do something 'unique' for me.

Adrian reiterated the affect the home visit had on him and the love he had experienced within the home. Guess it is slightly unusual to say that I not only carry Ray in my heart, but in my wallet as well. Oh well, I have often been accused of being 'different.'

Safely Home

I am home in Heaven, dear ones;

Oh, so happy and so bright!

There is perfect joy and beauty

In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over

Every restless tossing passed

I am now at peace forever,

Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly

Trod the valley of the shade?

Oh! But Jesus’ love illuminated

Every dark and fearful glade

And He came Himself to meet me

In that way so hard to tread;

And with Jesus’ arm to lean on

Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,

For I love you dearly still

Try to look beyond earth’s shadows

Pray to trust our Father’s Will

There is work still waiting for you

So you must not idly stand

Do it now, while life remaineth-

You shall rest in Jesus’ land.

When that work is all completed,

He will gently call you Home

Oh, the rapture of that meeting

Oh, the joy to see you come



Back to Ray's Funeral and Beyond

I think you are probably struggling to put all the pieces of the jigsaw of my life together as you go from post to post. Suddenly, there seems to be so much to say as I awaken each day to the uncertainty of life. With the knowledge that we are born to die, it seems to be perfectly natural to be talking about life and death. Although it was my intention to leave the posts concerning Ray until March - the month in which he was born and died - somehow it has become far too important, so I intend to keep 'plugging' away.

So.. back to the days following Ray's passing. I was still feeling very emotional, and profoundly affected by the fact that the funeral director had suggested he was happy to waive funeral costs. On a subsequent visit, he shared with me that HE felt the love I had for Raymond (a Post for next time.) So, in spite of the many years of hardship as a result of Ray's illness, we still enjoyed a love that shone through. We literally had NO money at the time of Ray's death and here I was being told that Adrian was happy to be of service. I still smile to myself when I reflect on those days. I had a Mother that did not know me and a funeral director that felt he had 'summed' me up in just over one hour.

Once again Megan was more than happy to write a verse to be used as a Return Thanks. She wrote, as usual, from the heart and penned the following:

The sun it shines so bright today

The grass it is so green

The world for him is perfect now

More than it's ever been

This is the time to say to you

How lucky we all are

To have known such a special man

Who sparkled like a star

Although at times the path was rough

And we struggled to get through

Everything worked out for the best

With a little help from you

Remember this in times to come

That in our hearts you'll stay

For it was the strength from others

That helped us on our way

We thank you for your kindness

And all the things you've done

To help us through this time in life

With this loss we feel as one

The love this man has given

Has been returned all round

For even in the tough times

It was peace in life he found

Written by Megan Louise Radford (born 1972)

All Over the Place

Like my thoughts, at times, these Posts are 'all over the place.' This comes about primarily as a result of comments to previous posts. You know how it is with someone like me. One thing leads to another and 'hello' there is another thought and, surprise, surprise, I have something to say on the subject. My children, and friends, understand this only too well.. This was exactly what happened when there was a whisper of financial hardship and another of being interested in Ray's journey into Eternal Life.

Knowing that my children have lived in another state most, or all, of their adult lives, there are many times they were completely unaware of exactly what was happening at home. The last couple of months of Ray's life were memorable. Hard to believe I know, but true! Definitely deserves a mention here.

Ray was not a catholic, and I think he was even a little concerned at the thought of approaching his Mum to tell her he had met the woman of his dreams. How would he go about explaining to her that I was a catholic? I remember the trip from Dubbo to Sydney knowing that it was time to tell her that we would be marrying in the Catholic Church. His Mum Pearl was thrilled and had no problems with anything her 'baby' did. Ray was the youngest of 5 and, till the day he died, was referred to as her 'baby.' Ray was happy for the children to receive the Sacraments and to be raised as Catholics but gave no thought to it for himself.

Then in January 1994 Ray asked for my thoughts about him converting to Catholicism. I agreed that if that was what he wanted, I would be delighted to help in any way I could. We had been attending Prayer Meetings, and were involved with the Charismatic Renewal where we both experienced the Power of the Holy Spirit working in a deeper and more meaningful way in our lives. Under the guidance of Father Tony Brady and Tina Martinelli at St. Patrick's Church Wallsend we experienced the most amazing healing. We were both looking for a miracle for Ray and, in many ways we found it, although not in the way we expected.

Ray had been receiving treatment for his cancer for many years, which consisted of immunotherapy, including adjuvant immunotherapy under the guidance of Professor Peter Hersey. There was no further treatment available and he was living 'one day at a time.' I took Ray to see Father Brady to receive instruction. After a short time, on our very first meeting, Father said that instruction would not be necessary in Raymond's case. He was a already a 'Child of God' and Father could see that there was a miracle, of sorts, happening. I remember meeting Robin, the secretary in the office at St Mary's Primary School. She was familiar with the family as Jeremy was a student, I ran a Kumon Study Centre and baked my favourite Carrot Cake recipe for her regularly. The school principal, David Carty had offered  Ray the opportunity to keep the lawns and gardens of the school mowed. In actual fact Number One Son Damian did most of the work, with assistance from Jeremy and myself, without taking anything away from Ray. He was able to feel good about the contribution he made to the family. David had a heart of gold, allowing me to run my study centre from the school free of charge, we also received payment for the lawn mowing which helped enormously at a time that we struggled financially.  Robin spoke of the joy of seeing, and touching, Ray as it gave her a feeling of having been blessed. She claimed that there was an aura surrounding him that had not been visible  previously. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I felt it was no longer a level playing field at home.

Father simply said that he thought the best time for Ray to be received into the Church would be the Healing Mass on the third Wednesday in January. There are no words to describe the presence of the Holy Spirit on that night. My Mother visiting from Dubbo and, along with my sister Toni, sat fascinated at what took place that evening. I only wish I had the words to describe the energy in the room. The mass was not held in the church. Like all Healing Masses, it was held in the school hall. It was obvious to all present that something very special took place that night; Ray was truly blessed ,just as we all were by being present.

After the mass, complete strangers embraced Ray and showered him with precious personal gifts. They will always be treasured within our family. How I wish we had a video recording of the night. Ray received personal items such as Lourdes Water and Rosary Beads that had been blessed by the Pope. The very fact that people were prepared to part with personal items spoke volumes about the affect the service had on them.

Stay tuned. My 'regular' entries do not always go according to plan as I am being greatly effected by fatigue at the moment. It appears that my metastatic lump has moved upwards and I am unsure of the most appropriate course of action. I think the next entry will be....towards the end. Oops! Meaning for Ray. Not me.

Something on my Mind

This afternoon I made a quick call to my daughter Megan. I am so glad I did. I had a question that needed answering, and I knew she was the one to ask.

When I met Ray in 1966 our courtship did not take the 'normal' path. I quickly realised this man was very special. We had known each other only a short while when Ray proposed. When he asked my Mother's permission she immediately said 'NO.' She accused Ray of being an alcoholic and, reminded him that I was only 18 years of age. Far too young, in her opinion. Ray was transferred to Tamworth  in the New England region of New South Wales shortly after. We missed each other dreadfully; the time apart dragged on for both of us.  The only way for us to get to know each other was by writing letters. There were no mobile phones, and public telephone boxes did not lend themselves to 'chatting' on the phone.

Consequently, I have an enormous box of hand written letters. Although I have lived in many homes over the years I have carried this box faithfully with me. I am not normally a hoarder, however there are some 'personal' things  I have treasured. Mum did agree to our marriage. I believe she got sick of Ray arriving in Dubbo from Tamworth and bringing with him a weeks washing and ironing. He continued to live the life of a bachelor, playing rugby and socialising with mates, while I did his washing and ironing, ready for him to leave first thing Monday morning. I was 19 when we married.

Ray, as Zone Manager for International Harvester Company, was on the road. Letters became the norm. Having carried the letters for over 40 years, I am now beginning to sort through personal things and nominate where they are to go. I asked Megan if she was interested in having the letters. I was a little surprised, and thrilled, by her reply. She definitely wanted these 'treasures' as she has wonderful memories of life in a family that epitomises 'perfect' love.

I must admit that, at the time of Ray's death in 1994, I reflected on my many years of marriage to this amazing man and I realised that I had enjoyed 27 years of unconditional love. Who could ask for more?

Megan, thank you for this beautiful compliment. I am so glad that we  were able to provide a loving, secure environment for your growth, leaving you with wonderful memories.