Today has been a sad day!
I have always made an effort to keep the close personal 'stuff' off these pages believing that my writing is to be an 'inspiration' for future generations. A way to get to know me when I am no longer able to be part of their lives.
Today I have reason to reflect on the month of March.
14 March 1994
Raymond John Radford beloved husband and father passed to Eternal Life
18 March 1942
Raymond John Radford born to this life
Leigh, to become wife to Haydn was born
31 March 1996
Leigh passed in tragic circumstances
Cheryl diagnosed with breast cancer
Seems that since marrying Haydn in 1996 March has been one month that we like to put behind us.
Was I surprised to find today that I was practically given my marching orders? Probably not! It has been brewing for some time. It seems that I am guilty of making 'bad' choices regarding my health. How do I know that all of the supplements that I take work?
Probably good to do a quick brief. At the time of my diagnosis I made the decision to choose complimentary and alternate therapies believing that my own healing system was capable of healing me. Having had a melanoma I was not prepared to undergo a biopsy in the belief that if there were melanoma cells in the breast lump then it could easily be spread. Melanoma is insidious! I had no intention of dying and leaving my youngest son an orpan.
Finding that my step daughter lied to me about her eating disorder caused me enormous stress. It may have been less had I not discovered bags of vomit in her bedroom! I am not sure that I have ever learned to handle stress without it taking its toll. My cancer returned in 2005 and I underwent a mastectomy.
At the time I said 'thank you' but 'NO thank you' to both chemo and radiotherapy. I was either very brave or very stupid. The jury is still out on that one!
OK I must admit that behind the unrest is a reading from a psychic who said that I would marry again after meeting the man of my dreams. I thought nothing of it at the time or I would never have allowed Haydn to read the notes. Haydn has been stewing over it ever since.
Today I was informed that there is nothing between us, that we have grown further apart. As only Haydn can, I was brutally told that any fool could see that being on the computer was responsible for both the thrombosis and the pain that now turns out to be bursitis.
Let me offer by way of explanation that Haydn's first wife Leigh suffered from mental illness and spent many years seeking help for the pain that the doctors could find no cause for. It was certainly real to her. She was almost bedridden for extended periods of time.
As Haydn has watched me suffer for the past 8 months it has brought back memories that he would like to forget. I have been accused of being 'different!' I am wondering why that is such a difficult thing to accept.
I remember Haydn standing beside me at the time of my breast cancer diagnosis in 2003 saying 'This is our journey'
Now I am faced with the knowledge that his almost 13 years with me feels like an extension of the 30 he had with his late wife. He wanted someone that has been happily married. I put up my hand! What he got was more of the same.
My grief - the loss of my beloved child - plus 8 months of pain has seen the physical side of our relationship change. God forbid he even mentioned going to a brothel. Sounds pretty desperate to me.
Throughout the sermon there was not talk of the two legal battles that have taken place over the past few years. The solicitor -chosen by Haydn - that employed secretaries, incapable of producing letters without errors. Haydn and I were left to either write the letters, or proof read and do corrections, prior to the letters leaving the solicitors office. This is coming from two people that left school at 14 to join the workforce.
Then the house was sold in February 2008 with a planned retirement in June of that year. Haydn's partner in the Company put a stop on the Trading Account in June knowing that it was the end of the financial year. Another legal battle which has only just ended and has cost many thousands of dollars.
While the battle raged we lived in a colourbond shed at the factory. I cooked for 18 months on a camp oven in an industrial shed.
The timing of our retirement was slightly off with a huge decrease in Haydn's asset base. Like many others he has lost a lot of money on the share market.
So my dear friends I do hope you can make sense of this. I am not sure I can as I contemplate my future.
I have just realised that I am still having problems with formatting. In particular the spacing is not as I want it to be however tonight is not the night to worry about it. Hope the reading is not too difficult.
Live life, laugh and love always xo