Wednesday, March 18, 2009

March Mayhem

Today has been a sad day!
I have always made an effort to keep the close personal 'stuff' off these pages believing that my writing is to be an 'inspiration' for future generations. A way to get to know me when I am no longer able to be part of their lives.
Today I have reason to reflect on the month of March.
14 March 1994
Raymond John Radford beloved husband and father passed to Eternal Life
18 March 1942
Raymond John Radford born to this life
21 March
Leigh, to become wife to Haydn was born
31 March 1996
Leigh passed in tragic circumstances
31 March
Haydn's Birthday
March 2003
Cheryl diagnosed with breast cancer
Seems that since marrying Haydn in 1996 March has been one month that we like to put behind us.
Was I surprised to find today that I was practically given my marching orders? Probably not! It has been brewing for some time. It seems that I am guilty of making 'bad' choices regarding my health. How do I know that all of the supplements that I take work?
Probably good to do a quick brief. At the time of my diagnosis I made the decision to choose complimentary and alternate therapies believing that my own healing system was capable of healing me. Having had a melanoma I was not prepared to undergo a biopsy in the belief that if there were melanoma cells in the breast lump then it could easily be spread. Melanoma is insidious! I had no intention of dying and leaving my youngest son an orpan.
Finding that my step daughter lied to me about her eating disorder caused me enormous stress. It may have been less had I not discovered bags of vomit in her bedroom! I am not sure that I have ever learned to handle stress without it taking its toll. My cancer returned in 2005 and I underwent a mastectomy.
At the time I said 'thank you' but 'NO thank you' to both chemo and radiotherapy. I was either very brave or very stupid. The jury is still out on that one!
OK I must admit that behind the unrest is a reading from a psychic who said that I would marry again after meeting the man of my dreams. I thought nothing of it at the time or I would never have allowed Haydn to read the notes. Haydn has been stewing over it ever since.
Today I was informed that there is nothing between us, that we have grown further apart. As only Haydn can, I was brutally told that any fool could see that being on the computer was responsible for both the thrombosis and the pain that now turns out to be bursitis.
Let me offer by way of explanation that Haydn's first wife Leigh suffered from mental illness and spent many years seeking help for the pain that the doctors could find no cause for. It was certainly real to her. She was almost bedridden for extended periods of time.
As Haydn has watched me suffer for the past 8 months it has brought back memories that he would like to forget. I have been accused of being 'different!' I am wondering why that is such a difficult thing to accept.
I remember Haydn standing beside me at the time of my breast cancer diagnosis in 2003 saying 'This is our journey'
Now I am faced with the knowledge that his almost 13 years with me feels like an extension of the 30 he had with his late wife. He wanted someone that has been happily married. I put up my hand! What he got was more of the same.
My grief - the loss of my beloved child - plus 8 months of pain has seen the physical side of our relationship change. God forbid he even mentioned going to a brothel. Sounds pretty desperate to me.
Throughout the sermon there was not talk of the two legal battles that have taken place over the past few years. The solicitor -chosen by Haydn - that employed secretaries, incapable of producing letters without errors. Haydn and I were left to either write the letters, or proof read and do corrections, prior to the letters leaving the solicitors office. This is coming from two people that left school at 14 to join the workforce.
Then the house was sold in February 2008 with a planned retirement in June of that year. Haydn's partner in the Company put a stop on the Trading Account in June knowing that it was the end of the financial year. Another legal battle which has only just ended and has cost many thousands of dollars.
While the battle raged we lived in a colourbond shed at the factory. I cooked for 18 months on a camp oven in an industrial shed.
The timing of our retirement was slightly off with a huge decrease in Haydn's asset base. Like many others he has lost a lot of money on the share market.
So my dear friends I do hope you can make sense of this. I am not sure I can as I contemplate my future.
I have just realised that I am still having problems with formatting. In particular the spacing is not as I want it to be however tonight is not the night to worry about it. Hope the reading is not too difficult.
Live life, laugh and love always xo


Starry said...

Oh Chez, what a lot on your mind and your heart, when we talked you mentioned the tension with Hadyn but it goes so much deeper doesn't it my friend. I am so glad you called me today, but wish I had more to give you at the time, but it is always hard to talk about relationships when you aren't one of the parties in it. It seems there is so much stress and pain on both sides in this one, though I am sure it has come as a slap in the face when you realize how extreme the situation is.
What can I say? I believe my primary use is as a listener, and you are welcome anytime to talk, email, or anything,
I love you, as all your readers, friends and family do,
xxx Starry

mandy said...

I`m lost for the right words Chez...Mainly with and about Haydn....Relationships are hard work and sometimes things don`t go the way we would like....I can tell you that....Yes sometimes I feel cheated but in no way would I even consider leaving my husband when this is the time he needs my support....We take vows and in there is in sickness and health....

Life certainly does throw us some curved balls but I know that you being as strong as you are Cheryl will come out the other side better and stronger....

In life we don`t need the material things, they don`t matter, what does matter is that you have your health...Concentrate on getting better....As for the rest it will still be there tomorrow...

Anonymous said...

Sweetie so so sorry, today is the 18th. here my thoughts are with your beloved Raymond. Wow so much for u to go through, know u and Hadyn was going through so rough times but this is alot. I do believe u will come out on the other side and u have so many that love u and will be right here for you. I wish i could just give u the biggest hugs every, u need some TLC my friend. I am always here for u and i carry u in my heart and prayers everyday. I hope u get more answer today at your appt. u need a good news day and u need this break from pain. I wish i could take some of it for u and i would if it would give u some relief.
Sending lots of love to u dear friend.
Love u, Karen XOXO

Anonymous said...

Oh Chez, this is such a difficult time for you and for that, I am extremely sad! It is so difficult to know what is the "right" thing to think or say - there are a lot of stress factors for both of you. All I can think to say right now is that we are ALL behind you and support you and love you. You are such a kind and giving person - no one has the right to make you feel so sad! I am so happy that you reached out to your blogger family! This is a great place to say what we are thinking and feeling, and sometimes that leads us to our own awareness. I am sending you THE biggest hugs and love! Stay strong, my friend.

Breeze said...

Oh I am so sorry Chez. What a rough time you are having. The thing that jumps out at me is that it sounds like your husband is simply unable to cope.

I think a lot of make the mistake of thinking that having life easier is the key to having a happier life but it's more about bringing what you can to where you are than going elsewhere to search.

You my friend are so strong. I can feel it in the words on the page, you will carry on and carry through with or without him.

Take care of you XOXOXOX

Daria said...


My heart goes out to you ... I wish I could do something to help.

My hope is for a better future.

Sending prayers,

Diane Rodgers said...

My Dearest Cheryl,

After reading this today I am so saddened for you. Life has been so difficult for you, to say the least. What I find hardest to understand is how Hayden could leave you in your greatest time of need...I guess his marriage vowels didn't mean much to him...don't care what his first marriage was.... maybe he didn't give her any understanding, love or support either ...

All I can say is if this is his true nature, to be so callous and so cruel...then all he has done is add more stress and pain to your life. I wonder what he would feel and how he would respond if HE was the one in YOUR shoes and lost his CHILD and his HEALTH... and you treated him this same way??? Such a selfish man Cheryl, I am sorry to say this, but I have to speak my mind and my heart! This is not the way a marriage is supposed to sided and if it doesn't go his way he walks! Let him the end you will be at peace and have freedom from trying to please the un-pleasable.(not a word!)


May God and our Angels walk before you and lead you to complete healing... in all areas of your life.

I love you and will be here for you in any way I possibly can be...

Yesterday, Today, and Forever...

bevally said... heart goes out to you.. we can say all the right things to you.. but it's only you that live with all these things happening in your life.. perhaps 'the king' was having a bad day.. perhaps he just let your pain get on top of things.. I do hope he comes to your rescue and see's the error in his ways of dealing with all this.. I believe... that you can keep going long after you think you can't...God Bless.

Michelle said...

I don't know what to I will just send you much love and healing xxx

Shazam said...

That is a sad sad month for you for sure hope it passes quickly and you can remember the good times again *hugs*

Lisa said...

my darling angel
how awful is all of this for you to bear on your own.
i am here, half an hour away if you need me- i would be happy to come to you.
Stay strong dear one- the 'downs' never last forever- the wheel will turn.......xx

Chez ( said...

Hi Starry. What a difference a day makes.
Fortunately things are so much better today.
I know the stress behind my current condition is behind the bad behaviour.
Getting there....

Chez said...

Mandy you are so sweet. Thank you my friend. I am always conscious of your situation and aware that you know so well what it is like.
Tonight I am endeavouring to keep it short in an effort to do a quick catch up.
Take care special lady..

Chez said...

Karen, I am thinking it is time to slip in a Post on Haydn as a way of explaining why things are as they are. I do understand how difficult this is for him.
Now Friday and he is trying...
Will be talking to you via email or Facebook soon my dear friend.
Maine is sounding pretty good...

Chez said...

Darling Audrey. How blessed I have been to have you come into my life. Just like my very special Angel Family friends I am finding so much support and understanding from my blogging friends.
When life seems a little sour I find sweetness and love here.
Could not have gotten through the past months without my wonderful online friends from around the globe.
Why is it that those who have so much to deal with themselves are always the ones to be truly present to us in our hour of need?
You are gorgeous...

Chez said...

Diane, please let me email you in answer to all of this. There is so much more with Haydn however it is not my place to say too much without his permission.
I will forge ahead and leave my
Comments tonight and be in touch once I am caught up.
Judy here tomorrow and we are off to the local Vacy Village Country Fair Sunday
My special friend please know that all is well..

Chez said...

Breeze thank you special lady for your words of wisdom. I know you are right.
I truly believe that I have been given life and it is up to me to find my purpose. So much for me to do and I am not afraid and you are so right. Haydn is!
My enlightened spirit leads me. I look forward to being well enough to follow the path in anticipation.

Chez said...

Daria you being here is exactly what I need.
Let's live our dreams and love our life my friend.

Chez said...

Yes Bevally! You are so right! He was having a bad day and I believe he recognises that he has too much time on his hands since retirement.
Thankfully he is now offering to become involved in some of the local activities just as I have.
He has made inroads overnight. I am so glad as it was very hurtful to know how he felt.
My best wishes to you ....

Chez said...

Hey Michelle it is good to see you here. I will catch up and call by.
You have probably gathered it has been a tough week.
Hope you are doing OK

Chez said...

Hey Shazam I am grateful that my Mum always reminded me that 'This too shall pass'
I can hardly wait.
Be good girl!

Chez said...

Lisa you are so sweet. Thank you for your kindness. I may just have to take you up on your offer.
Guess it is a reminder that nothing works in isolation. Haydn's behavior does have an affect on me even though I would like to think I could make a choice. Drat!
Somehow I suspect I am also being worn down with the pain.
I do look forward to meeting you in person my friend.
Love and gratitude