Where to Now?

I am finding life extremely difficult at the moment; miss you all so much as I search for answers. Rest is high on my list of priorities right now.

My pain levels increased over the weekend to the point that Haydn drove me to Greenhills shopping centre on Sunday afternoon to pick up a prescription for Endone. I knew that it could not wait until Tuesday when I was scheduled to keep an appointment with Nancy Evelyn herbalist extraordinaire.

I awoke at 1am Monday morning literally screaming in agony. At 8am I was on the phone to my doctor's surgery begging for an appointment. Haydn was happy to drive as there is no way that I was up to it. After 1 hour and 20 minutes I found myself pacing the floor as I waited for my 10.45am appointment.

Dr Mark Desouza was excellent. He asked about the steroid injection into the bursa that he had requested on my last visit and I said that there was a two week wait at Newcastle Radiology. I like to go to that particular practice as they bulk bill me as an oncology patient. Mark's concern was obvious; he immediately called Hunter Radiology, successfully arranging an afternoon appointment.

Dr Chan looked at the ultrasound, we had a lengthy discussion on the safety of injecting into my lymphoedema arm and I decided that it was worth it. I am aware that there are risks with taking the amount of Oxycontin that I consume each day and decided that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Anything to take away the pain.

I took the time on Sunday afternoon to e-mail Dr Fluhrer in Sydney, asking for his valued opinion. I am still waiting for a reply. He will charge $55 to my credit card when he eventually gets around to responding. In the meantime, I consider my situation is to be treated with the utmost urgency.

Thankfully I slept soundly on Monday night as was very excited to find that it was 5am when I awoke. Unfortunately, it did not last! Once again I was screaming and unable to function as the pain was debilitating. Haydn helped me pack a bag for hospital as I was convinced that was the only safe place for me. I have been going through this for the past 8 months and, at times, feel completely worn out.

My first appointment for the day was with my herbalist Nancy at Nancy Evelyn & Associates. I was a complete mess when I arrived. On looking into the iris she decided that there was inflammation above the elbow on the right arm and that there was little she could do for me. She suggested Bowen Therapy. Daphne Templeton, the resident Bowen Therapist had not arrived at the practice. Nancy phoned her home and explained the problem, Daphne was happy to come in immediately as she lived reasonably close.

Daphne suggested that my condition is a classic case of post mastectomy lymphoedema, made worse by the removal of a melanoma above the elbow on the same arm in 1996. There are pockets of lymph collecting in several places. She did amazing work! I could feel the lymph begin to flow although I found the treatment very painful. An appointment was made for Tuesday of next week and I was instructed to put washing crystals into a pillow case and wrap it around the area leaving it for two hours. I did that last night and eventually had to remove it as the drawing action was too intense for me to bear. Once off, I could not believe how wet it all was. No doubt it was very effective!

These two angels gave freely of their time; no charge for the consultations.

It was then off to the doctor. I explained about the pain that I had endured on waking and, once again he managed to get me an appointmen at Hunter Radiology for a CT Scan of the neck. I was to be there at 2pm. I have no strength in the middle three fingers of the right hand, also tingling and loss of sensation. Mark is thinking that it is possibly coming from the area in the neck between C6 and T2. Praying that the CT Scan will give some indication.

My medication was changed. I am now to take 40 mg Oxycontin night and morning with 10mg Oxynorm for breakthrough pain. This can be taken each two hours. All well and good. I may be pain free but can I function normally?

Today was a good day. I remained almost pain free and will ring first thing tomorrow morning to see Mark for the results of the CT Scan. Hopefully, we will know tomorrow where we go from here.

In the meantime, I had suggested to Nat - http://easygivingheart101.blogspot.com/ that I believed Jeremy had a message for me and was unable to get through the pain to give it to me. I was hoping it would come to her as they have done in the past.

I was excited to find in my Inbox this morning the following from Nat;

'The heart of the matter is that you have a Mother's heart. You feel that as a mother you have failed because you did not keep your son alive. Keep him safe; keep him well. You channel all your energy into elevating him, glorifying him. But he has been glorified. He has been exalted on high. You need only love and remember him, you do not have to carry him and lift him up. It is time to lift yourself.'

Nat went on to say that it is time to lift my own heart up. Time to live fully for myself. I did not lose half of myself when I lost my beloved son Jeremy.

I found the message very powerful. As you can imagine I am overjoyed that Jezz continues to get through to me in his loving way.

Know this has been long. I congratulate you if you have managed to get to the end. It is important for me to keep this as my own record especially as I am unable to write in my Diary currently with the problem with the nerves in my arm and hand.

Tomorrow, I will see Dr Desouza, yet again, for the results of the CT Scan. Praying that there is a simple solution, nothing more than a bereaved mother that bottled her grief to the point that the pain was expressed physically. I am asking for a miracle!

Please pray for me and may your days be filled with love, light and laughter.

It would also be useful if someone could help me with formatting. How do I manage to get double spacing when the Post is published? I do double spacing, always in the draft, and yet it is all bunched up and difficult to read when published. Help! Please...