Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Another Day

Another day...another doctor's visit.

The discussion appears always to be about side effects of medication; and therefore changes to same. I was disappointed to find that my INR reading was under 2 and, not quite at optimum level to prevent blood clotting. An increase in Coumadin to 6mg should give me an INR reading of between 2 and 3 within 3 to 4 days.

Once again, Dr Sales mentioned the obvious drawbacks of living at Vacy. I can say, with absolute certainty, that the decision to retire to the farm was not a good one, given my current health problems. What a good idea it seemed when I was healthy, and capable of driving myself wherever I wanted to go. An hour to Newcastle was nothing.

Somehow it seems I have made my bed, as my late Mother would say. Haydn is a farmer; this is HIS life. As I face my own mortality I miss my friends and the many opportunities to visit the local shopping centre for a cup of coffee. Or, to watch the world go by.

As I ponder my current situation it would seem I have a way to go to make any type of life changing decision. Dr Sales assures me I am a long way from going into care, which I had thought was probably my EASY option. Oh well! Back to the drawing board.

Of course there is also the option of believing in the countless possibilities of the mind. Telling myself that this arm is capable of doing everything that it is required to do. If I can do that, as well as getting my medications to the stage that I do not suffer from fatigue, then I could be back behind the wheel and participating in life once more.

Today was an example of just how things go pear shaped while in my current situation. Left home at 8.30am. Saw my doctor at 10am. Finished at 11am. Picked up prescriptions from pharmacy, grabbed some lunch for a 1pm appointment for Bowen Therapy which works a treat on my arm. Remember, Haydn is the driver and he gets to sit in our vehicle for the wait. Not much fun for him and, although he does not complain, I am reasonably sensitive these days. It seems to me, I have lost my freedom. I struggle with the knowledge that I have lost my independence.

As I sat enjoying the company of Ellen [receptionist], I found myself getting agitated when 1pm passed and1.30pm came around. Daphne was still with another patient. I knew that by the time she had finished with me it would be 3pm and, therefore we would be late getting home; Haydn becomes quite tired sitting around all day. I decided to leave without treatment. This would never happen if I was on my own. Why do I feel so guilty?

I know my intuition will tell me when it is time to make changes.

In the meantime I am reminded of the saying 'Things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out'


Kaz said...

Chez was so hoping for better news.Iknow it must be so hard not to feel guilty but you need to keep your appts.wrapping my arms around you and so wish i could help. Chez as you say u will know when it is time to leave or stay.Always my friend you come first. So it looks with the levels not being where they should explain how tired you have been.
Big gentle hugs & loads of love always.

Chez said...

Kaz guess I have to get used to the effects of the drugs in my body. Each time there is a change of drugs, I change. Always making adjustments my friend. That is what life is.
Getting back to blogging has been good for me. Love the sharing.
Thanks for the hugs and friendship. Can feel them from here my friend xoxo

Diane Rodgers said...

Hi again Cheryl...
I have read and reread this one...So much going through your head and heart. As you said life keeps changing and we all have to change with the changes as best we can. I prefer to think you will make the arm and hand work for what it has to do....and you will adjust to meds and get your energy back and sooner than later you will be independant again and back behind the wheel!!!
In the meantime...please allow Hayden to be there for you as he is needed... and for how ever long he is needed to wait so you can get your treatments. He is after all your husband and the vowls said by you both were "in sickness and in health"? lol
You would do the same for him with no problem ...accept his assistance with love and gratitude as you always say!
P.S. You do make the best of the way things work out, Cheryl .. this one sentence has helped me so much since knowing you!
Love to you, as always,

Alli said...

If we lived closer I'd send these two big boys out to the farm and give you a hand.
I am really glad you are blogging again.... It allows us your friends here to keep that constant contact with you. Plus I so appreciate your comments. I have hope that somehow things for all of us will work out in ways that are best for us. Like you it's making adjustments to medication. My body does not like taking the things that are prescribed. Once this next surgery is over I am determined that I get back on my feet and start doing what needs doing...
Drop me a note if there is anything you need.....
Take care Love Alicia.....

Chez said...

Di, as you can see from Alli's comment, those of us living with cancer have huge adjustments to make in our lives. Many of us doing it over and over again with recurrence. These changes are quite unlike our day to day changes when we enjoy good health. They can be the difference between life and death.
My doctor comments on major life stresses and ticks all the boxes for me. Somehow, with the grace of God, I am still here.
Thankfully, my Memory-of site and blogging has allowed me to form new, and wonderful friendships, that get me through the tough times.
Thank you also for your positive feedback my friend xo

Chez said...

Alli, your comments are so sweet and very much appreciated. I am so glad that you have come into my life. There is enormous strength that comes from you and a knowledge that we are on a similar journey.
By the way, how old are your 'big' boys. Do I have to teach them how to do dishes? You will be showing them how to pack and unpack the dishwasher before too long.
Alicia, you are in my thoughts constantly and I am also very grateful to be back blogging. Missed you.
Will definitely be talking to you by email prior to your surgery.
Stay positive my friend xo

Debby said...

I understand the feeling guilty thing. My biggest guilt was that Tim was working so hard. We've always been a team. I tried so hard to keep up, but the day just came when I said, "Tim, I just can't." I felt so awful about it. So ashamed and guilty. The thing is, Tim was very understanding. Just admitting, out loud, 1/3 of the way through chemo that I was exhausted and tired was freeing, in a way. Tim stepped up to the plate, and I was able to sleep more. It might help you a lot to give voice to your 'guilts'.

sunflower said...

Awww, Cheryl I understand your many concerns for you and your well being! Sure seems that you are in between a rock and a hard place! Sure wish you could work out your driving and would be nice to have a female along to take you places! Why is it the ones that wishes to help you so badly are so far far away??? I've asked this to myself many times!!! So glad you're blogging more! How you have been missed! Extra Hugs to you and love from here to there!! Martha

Diane Rodgers said...

As in all things....Unless you have walked in the shoes of those who are suffering .....you really don't know .... I am in decent health ...only diabetes.... nothing compared to cancer....but I try to understand and I do love you ... wanting your pain to leave and for you to have your life back and your independence....Forgive me if I have said anything to hurt you ... all I ever want is for you to be happy and healthy .... Love. Di xox

Chez said...

Debby, I admire the openess of your relationship with Tim.
It is lovely to hear that, in your case, you were able to resolve things.
Feeling guilty is not good as you know. I will have to learn to speak up and be honest and open and sometimes I am not as I know there will be repercussions.

Chez said...

Hey Sunflower...even the name is music to my ears.
I know you are only a plane flight away and yet it seems like asking the impossible to even consider it at times.
My friend, I am thrilled to be blogging again and even more thrilled to hear that there may be some benefits for all of us.
I know I love the friendships that I have made.
You are all so special to me xo