Get me Outta Here..... Please?

Although it was my intention to continue on from the previous post it has not happened. That will come later.

Why is it that for the past two to three weeks I have felt like I need to be scraped from the bottom of the bird cage?

My last consultation with Dr Sales was pretty much routine. The feelings of wellness did not last long. I found myself feeling tired and lethargic within days; maybe even a little sad on occasions. Putting those feelings aside, I readily agreed to book flights to go to Melbourne to visit my children. I had been happy to forego my trip to Floriade to spend time with family. Knowing that 22nd October is Damian and Tyneal's first wedding anniversary I went ahead and booked tickets for myself and Haydn to depart on Thursday 21st. I was excited! It has been far too long since I have spent time Damian, Megan or Carla and respective families/grandchildren. Two days later I experienced a major hiccup with bleeding from where the sun doesn't shine. Being on blood thinning medications adds to the problem. By Wednesday I realised that I simply did not have the energy for the flight and the driving the trip would entail.

I became very emotional. Knowing that crying was not going to achieve anything I picked up the phone to call Damian. I had offered to stay with Jascha, allowing Damian the freedom to do something special with Tyneal. Why I was being such a sook? I had no idea! I have always felt I had a strong constitution. Not any more! Although I started off crying, Damian soon had me laughing with his suggestion of wearing adult diapers and travelling anyway. At the end of our conversation he had allowed me to be convinced that my health must be the priority. They would simply make other arrangements for Jascha. Thank you Damian. You always manage to bring things back to an even keel.

Knowing that I have been feeling rather tired, and sad, I feel it is time to address all issues that may be contributing to my current crisis. The isolation at the farm is probably number one. Femara is right up there as the joint swelling and pain seems to be getting progressively worse. On reading Dr Aaaron Tabor's latest blog entry I became aware that having physical limitations as a result of breast cancer treatment increases my risk of death due to any cause by 40%. I rather think that whether the cause is the cancer, or the treatment, it is something else to overcome. I want so much to blog regularly, as well as keep in touch via email, with my favourite people, and I struggle to do that now as a one or two finger typist. Then of course, there is always the loss of a child. Although it will be four years next month since Jeremy's accident, the pain remains. I am fatigued and yet I cannot help but ask 'Is there something else going on?'

So back to today. Reflecting on all of this, I realise that it is necessary to make a decision; time to put a plan in place. Mentally, I have made a decision that I can live with and feel at peace with myself. Now it is time to hasten slowly.

Back on Track..

There have been some highlights at the farm, with the arrival of nine calves recently. This is our new 'baby.' It is fascinating to observe animals in nature. The calf knows instinctively to belt the mother's udder with its head to let down the milk. The cows that have given birth are only heifers themselves, meaning this is their first calf, and yet they make great mothers. As soon as we pulled up in the ute, the cow edged away with the calf. This was mainly due to MY presence; they are used to Haydn, but not me.

My week has been less than pleasant as I struggled with laryngitis and the accompanying sore throat. It has been going on far too long! I missed both my Tai Chi and yoga classes and have been unable to make phone contact with friends, causing me chronic withdrawal symptoms. Why is it the words 'This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it...' pop into my head? There has to be a message there somewhere.

Today, we used the last of the fruit and vegetables so shopping has become a high priority. Only problem is my complete lack of pizazz. I can only guess that it is somehow related to the energy being used to fight this 'bug.' But then again..it could somehow be related to the boredom of being here for a week with no contact with friends or neighbours (present cyber friends excluded.) Truthfully, I have hardly had the fortitude to turn on the computer.

In the meantime, I have found the burning, stinging, pain and irritation in the right arm to cause me a great deal of angst. I do not often ask 'Why me?' but somehow I have found myself to be having the occasional 'pity party for one' in spite of the fact that they are not much fun. Knowing that I have made little time for lymphatic drainage and exercise exacerbates the problems. I really do know better.

I had been looking forward to the opportunity of a luncheon tomorrow. My friend Sue, owner of Cabins in the Clouds, is hosting a get together in readiness for a Breast Cancer Fundraiser to be held in October. As Sue is appearing in a local GAPS stage presentation next month, the last thing I want is to inflict her with whatever it is I have. In actual fact, she found herself with a similar problem after the Christmas Carols last December; it took her some time to fully recover.

So, tomorrow can only get better. I pray for increased energy and healing for myself and all my friends that deal with adversity in its various forms.

May our lives be blessed....

When Enough is Enough

I believe that at the time I agreed to marry Haydn I undertook a role, although I probably did not recognise it at the time.

Haydn and his late wife Leigh were married for about 27 years; they have 3 children, all of them living in this region. Leigh was an only child and her death left a gaping hole for her Mother Dorothy [Dot] who is now 92 years of age. Daughter Alex is the only family member to take time for her grandmother.

Dot has enjoyed the most amazing health and is not coping well with the periodic burning sensation that she gets in her legs. Fortunately it is not always there. Either Haydn or I call daily to check that she is OK. We offer to help where we can although there are often time constraints as we struggle to fit in my medical appointments; we all know there have been plenty of those over the past two years. We regularly buy her beer and fruit and vegetables and take them to her. Yes! She enjoys a glass of white wine with lunch and a beer at night. I have mentioned previously that retiring to the farm was not a good idea; this is the time we need to be close to all services. The 180 kilometre round trip adds about 2.5 hours. They are often long days.

We have noticed lately that Dot has become very despondent and cries frequently during our phone conversations. Her eyesight is failing, making reading difficult. Apart from that, she is quite agile and lives alone. She would like to continue to live where she is as it is across the road from the shopping centre. The most pressing problem appears to be that she has outlived her friends and loneliness has become enemy number one.

She mentioned recently that she had gone to to Garden City shopping centre looking for the Target store. She asked directions and became so overwhelmed when she could not follow them that she found her way to the bus stop and headed for home with great urgency. When I suggested that Haydn and I would be happy to take her she thought it was a lovely idea as there was some shopping she would do there.

Today was the day! Funny thing is that when we arrived at the shopping centre she had no interest in looking in the shops. What do you do with a 92y.o. from 10.30am to 12.30 while waiting for granddaughter and great granddaughter to arrive? I suggested coffee and, although she was not interested initially, she succumbed, and so we sat down waiting for Alex and Amarlie to arrive for lunch.

Dot shared with me the fact that she is tired of living; the loneliness has left its mark and it is obvious that she now sees the glass as half empty. She is fast losing sight of the joy of living. The passion has gone.

I asked her what her feelings were on euthanasia. She says she agrees whole heartedly but does not feel she has the where-with-all so it is not an option.

I have just begun reading 'Denial of the Soul' [Spiritual and Medical Perspectives on Euthanasia and Mortality] by M Scott Peck. Being a believer in Eternal Life I am determined to learn my life's lessons knowing that it is not when or how I die, rather how I live that is important. I am prepared to put my trust in the medical system [and the Lord] to provide quality pain management and palliative care as necessary.

In the meantime I have just gone to make myself a cup of ginger tea. The honey jar was empty so I had to open a new one myself as Haydn is in bed. Just for the fun of it.... try putting your dominant hand behind your back and opening a new jar. Makes me smile as I endeavour not to let the frustrations overcome me. Who says I do not need to be in care?

Another Day

Another day...another doctor's visit.

The discussion appears always to be about side effects of medication; and therefore changes to same. I was disappointed to find that my INR reading was under 2 and, not quite at optimum level to prevent blood clotting. An increase in Coumadin to 6mg should give me an INR reading of between 2 and 3 within 3 to 4 days.

Once again, Dr Sales mentioned the obvious drawbacks of living at Vacy. I can say, with absolute certainty, that the decision to retire to the farm was not a good one, given my current health problems. What a good idea it seemed when I was healthy, and capable of driving myself wherever I wanted to go. An hour to Newcastle was nothing.

Somehow it seems I have made my bed, as my late Mother would say. Haydn is a farmer; this is HIS life. As I face my own mortality I miss my friends and the many opportunities to visit the local shopping centre for a cup of coffee. Or, to watch the world go by.

As I ponder my current situation it would seem I have a way to go to make any type of life changing decision. Dr Sales assures me I am a long way from going into care, which I had thought was probably my EASY option. Oh well! Back to the drawing board.

Of course there is also the option of believing in the countless possibilities of the mind. Telling myself that this arm is capable of doing everything that it is required to do. If I can do that, as well as getting my medications to the stage that I do not suffer from fatigue, then I could be back behind the wheel and participating in life once more.

Today was an example of just how things go pear shaped while in my current situation. Left home at 8.30am. Saw my doctor at 10am. Finished at 11am. Picked up prescriptions from pharmacy, grabbed some lunch for a 1pm appointment for Bowen Therapy which works a treat on my arm. Remember, Haydn is the driver and he gets to sit in our vehicle for the wait. Not much fun for him and, although he does not complain, I am reasonably sensitive these days. It seems to me, I have lost my freedom. I struggle with the knowledge that I have lost my independence.

As I sat enjoying the company of Ellen [receptionist], I found myself getting agitated when 1pm passed and1.30pm came around. Daphne was still with another patient. I knew that by the time she had finished with me it would be 3pm and, therefore we would be late getting home; Haydn becomes quite tired sitting around all day. I decided to leave without treatment. This would never happen if I was on my own. Why do I feel so guilty?

I know my intuition will tell me when it is time to make changes.

In the meantime I am reminded of the saying 'Things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out'

Dinner Tonight

With my heightened interest in blogging once again it is good to be here. In the past I gained a great deal of insight in responding to your comments. Unfortunately I have a tendency to be a little long winded which is just not possible as I struggle with my low-level typing skills. I value your input, and look forward to the day that I am, once again, able to respond. In the meantime, please be patient and accept my heartfelt thanks. Blogging would not be too much fun without readers.

As you can imagine, food preparation is rather difficult when I am unable to hold a knife. Therefore we are always on the lookout for simple, good tasting recipes.

On a recent visit to the Mater Hospital, Haydn grabbed a recipe that looked tasty and entailed very little food preparation. Here it is; tonight we put it to the test.

Chinese-Style Curried Prawns

1 onion, thickly sliced

2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced

2 tablespoons mild curry powder

400g packet, raw peeled prawns, defrosted

4 cups mixed frozen stir-fry style vegetables

1 tablespoon cornflour, blended with 1 and one quarter cups chicken stock

Heat 1 tablespoon peanut oil in a wok over high heat. Add onions, garlic and curry powder, cook for 2 minutes. Add prawns and cook for 1 minute. Add vegetables and stir fry for 5 minutes.

Stir in stock mixture. Stir until sauce boils and thickens. Reduce heat and simmer for 2 minutes.

In theory the recipe looks great. In practise, my choice of curry powder was apparently not mild. Although I used only 1 tablespoon it was far too hot to really enjoy however, it was obvious that it had the makings of an easy, nutritious meal.

To add to our dilemma, the rice was cooked in the microwave and it turned out like a solid rock in the bottom of the container. Where, oh where did I go wrong?

In spite of the outcome, and the leftovers still in the refrigerator, I will be doing it again in a week or so. It certainly has potential.

Maybe the hot curry was just what Haydn needed to kill of those cold germs which were probably picked up when he stood in the rain with Sonya, waiting for the courtesy coach last Friday night.