Sunday, November 28, 2010

Shh! Don't Talk

‘Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him when he falleth; for he has not another to help him up.’ – Bible: Ecclesiastes
Yesterday I suggested to Haydn that I would be looking to make plans to move next year. As you know, I struggle with the isolation and loss of independance. My cancer has robbed me of that!  As only Hayd could, he said  'Where would you go? Who would look after you, nobody wants you?' Good one Hayd! Fighting back tears, I said little except that the decision would be mine. And mine alone! I live with the belief that 'things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out.'

The past couple of days have been particularly difficult. There have been many tears shed, and much swearing, particularly when I found myself unable to throw the sheets over the line. I now have limited range of movement in my right arm and shoulder. My pain meds have been reduced in the hope that the chronic fatigue will miraculously disappear however, I am adjusting to increased sensations in the inflamed nerve endings.

 I have taken the following lines from  Paul who opened my eyes with his posting of Desiderata....
'But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
It seems, at times, the fatigue and loneliness is 'playing with my mind.'

This afternoon Haydn arrived home with his 'Shh! Don't say a thing! Just listen to what I have to say.' He proceeded to tell me that he thinks it would be a good idea to buy a caravan. Last year we purchased a new Mitsubishi Pajero 4WD with that in mind. I think it was my decision that it was all too hard; my pain had returned with a vengeance and I was not in a good place. The thought of being organised enough to pack and unpack a van seemed like hard work. As the owner of industrial sheds in Newcastle, there is always work to be done; Haydn likes to be busy. We would be able to take the van down and stay for a few days, allowing Haydn to work on the sheds and me to receive much needed therapy for my lymphoedema etc. Of course, there would also be the opportunity for socialising. Haydn feels we could take the van across to the coast and spend time. I am a little uncertain as Hayd is a 'worker' and finds it very difficult to relax. He does not enjoy being a 'tourist' so it would mean changes. The big PLUS for me is that we would be able to visit my children. God willing. Yeah!


18 comments:

Kaz said...

Chez,so sorry many tears for you this week,but we talk so i know and know the move has alot to think about.so more to think about with Van,yes if only you can spend time with your kids.Wish i had healing powers to heal you my friend,would of send them a few yrs. ago when i met you.

Chezzy come to Maine,I want ya and would take care of you.talk to you when i get home.

Love ya loads,Kaz.xo

stonepost said...

Chez, I am so sorry for your rough week! Are you eating "the cookies" yet? I sincerely hope so, I think it was Paul who also said, "God save me, but not yet!" I think God likes laughter and silliness along with grace and gratitude. I concentrate on what I can do and just flat out don't do what I can't. It makes my daily list a bit shorter but leaves more room for smiles and less for tears. Try "IT" in tea with honey!

Anonymous said...

So sorry my beautiful friend. Yet you seem to bear it all with dignity & grace. I don't think I would be able to handle it all that well. Anytime you want to relocate to Texas just come on down and you will have a place! We would get Karen to come too and we could sit around eating the Mexican casserole & cookies, and drinking Margaritas! Love you♥

artistdeb said...

Be still and listen.

Listen to what your heart says is best.

Letting go of the house and stuff maybe very good for you. You may gain a sense of freedom you feel you are lacking.

Spending time with your children would be wonderful for all. Allow yourself as much freedom as possible while you are here. Soon you will be free your pain but you won't have your body to hug and touch and talk to your kids.

Enjoy what you have. Live the best life you can with God's help. member is is alway's there for the asking.

Blessings - Deb

artistdeb said...

Remember - God's help is always available - just "knock".

Starry said...

I did forget to remind you of what I previously have said, that I think you will get time with the family.
I also have this feeling that we will have our picture taken together one day.
Here's hope for your journey, mental and perhaps hint hint physical!
By the way I had an urge to write about acceptance on my blog, and of course one thing led to another, since my renewed passion for acceptance began with my thinking about our friendship... so I hope its okay but your name came up.
xoxox Starry

Sami said...

In addition to Kaz, you have another big fan in Maine (me me me! Small world huh?!). You are so loved, and I'm sorry you had to hear those words and cry those tears. Hoping for better days ahead for us all xo

nancyspoint said...

Chez,
I am sorry you have had a week full of tears. You are facing big decisions with the move and now the van, so it's understandable (on top of dealing with fatigue, pain, loss of motion and of course your grief) that you have been crying a lot. Remember you are not really isolated as long as people care for you and many do.

diane said...

It sounds like a good idea to get a van and be closer to doctors and family. Hopefully Haydn will work out how he can do both, work and play. Maybe you could stay in the van and he can return home now and then to work if necessary. Good luck I hope the future will be brighter for you.

Chez said...

Kaz, tears are good ...

Chez said...

Jerry, you are right on all counts. No cookies yet however, more info coming in from reliable sources so know it is the way to go. Smiling now and thanks..

Chez said...

Friendship, Texas, Mexican Casserole and Margaritas sounds just what I need sweet friend. We could have one hell of a party. xoxo

Chez said...

Deb, remembering to knock seems to be the difficult thing these days. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom, and your friendship xo I will remember...

Chez said...

Starry, you have opened up a whole new world of discourse my friend. Wonderful! Love and gratitude xo

Chez said...

Sami, thankfully I am able to let lots of those comments go through to the 'keeper' H has a huge heart and really does have my best interest at heart. If he knew better, he would do better. Love and friendship...

Chez said...

Nancy, I had not really thought of it like that. Thank you for reminding me that isolation is in the mind. I have the most amazing, caring friends right here...

Chez said...

Diane I do think it would work. Would be nice to have it 'set up' that way we can travel, or rest, as necessary. Would be good for me to spend time in a 'community' such as a van park.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Can’t wait to read the next ones :)