Sunday, July 31, 2011

Is My Heart is Elsewhere?

'Impossible situations can become possible miracles.'
 – Robert H. Schuller

Not looking too bad at the end of May

Not looking too good at the end of July
Both Haydn and I feel incredibly sad as we observe my body, and its ability to grow this disgusting, fungating, odorous mass. It is difficult not to be affected by the sight and odour as it is right under my nose. 

My right arm is now akin to a lump of lead hanging loosely by my side. I have to practically stand on my head to dress the top half of my body; makes dressing interesting, and slow. Thank goodness for pull up stretch jeans.

On Friday we had a 2 hour wait to be seen by the Radiation Oncologist. It was a non event!. As usual, he had little more to say than Mmm, Mmm.. I pray that he will learn from this experience. The waiting room was filled with patients, many appearing to be dreadfully ill and yet living in hope that their treatment will give them another opportunity to live their life to the full.

Next stop was to spend time with the most amazing, compassionate Wound Care Nurse who managed to have me laughing, and crying at the same time. She explained how radiation either allows, or causes this to happen. She also said that she sees it far too often. Having given me lots of information, along with dressings to try, she applied a lovely Mepilex Lite, soft Silicone dressing which she said would last for several days.

We arrived home, dressing intact, and yet I could feel the itchiness of the skin below. After some time, unable to stand the discomfort any more, I went to the mirror and removed the dressing. The sight of the wound disgusted me; having had it covered for some time it was repulsive! I simply sobbed uncontrollably.

Although my state of mind was not good I choose that particular time to check the cost of the dressings.Tess had recommended a wholesale site. One of her favourites, a silver Silicone costs $285 for 5 dressings. Oh boy! Will this ever end? Over the years, the costs associated with cancer, and its treatment, have been astronomical.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with 'Dr Amazing' who will give me information on the potential risks and benefits of chemotherapy. Everything in me says the risks begin with the insertion of the port given the breakdown in my skin's integrity. As my body continues to fight this 'monster' it leaves little in the way of nutrients to keep me strong and healthy.

I still believe there is a way to 'beat' this disease. It is up to me to find 'it.'

Once again, I reflect on the isolation of life at the farm. Although I do have financial security, and a very loyal 'best friend' who loves me and cares for me, I am wondering if it is sufficient. Two of my children live in the state of Victoria. My youngest son was born and died in the same state. I intend to use the Funeral Company that employs my eldest son. Apparently I am entitled to a 'good deal' with huge discounts. It all makes sense! Is that my heart whispering to me that it is time to come home? 

'Let your heart be your compass, your
mind your map, your soul your guide...
and you will never get lost'

-Unknown.

29 comments:

Audrey said...

Chez, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. At my cancer clinic the other day, one of the researchers told me that the staff there always question why it is that the nicest people are the ones who get cancer. It doesn't seem right, does it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay strong and never give up - kick this stupid disease to the curb!

Lots of love and gentle hugs,
Audrey

WhiteStone said...

Cheryl, my heart goes out to you. Saying prayers and asking blessings for you as you continue this battle.

Diane Rodgers said...

My Dearest Cheryl,

It is hard to find the words to express the sadness I feel as I read your blog today. I can not even begin to imagine all you are going through. I pray you find your way through all of this and that God sends you the right information as to what to do and where to go to get the help you so desperatly need.

You will make the right decision on whether or not to stay at the farm or go to your children.

You are in my constant prayers ....always my love...

Di
xox

rama said...

Doing everything i promised I will do.
Be well, Rama.

stonepost said...

Wow, Cheryl, you are strong beyond belief! I would have gotten my medicine from the licquer store long ago. Doctors! They call them "practitioners" for a reason!
I think chemotherapy is a breeze compared to what you have been through. Would it work? I don't know. I would want to know the math involved first, the odds. It is not pleasant. I am so sorry you or anyone is faced with these choices.

fire.hawksmom said...

Cheryl my lovely friend from Aussie! I am so sorry this is part of your life now and dealing with this monster "thorn in the flesh"! I love your positive nature and I feel so helpless to you but as I told you before, I will continue to pray that you will find where you should be and what you should be doing as you listen to your heart! Certainly has blessed you so far in the journey!
I can only serve as a "crutch" as you believe also for the knowledge that you need so desperately! Please know that I pray for you to receive answers to your questions. Thank you so very much for last evening...I was so delighted hearing your voice! With great concern and compassion, xxLovexxHugs, Martha

Cheryl said...

Hey Audrey have worn out yet another pair of boots in my attempt to kick this monster back to where it came from.
The thing about it is that it does not discriminate.
I am sure that when the people at your Cancer Clinic said that they were referring to you.
Where there's a will, there's a way my lovely friend xo
Let's stay strong together..

Cheryl said...

WhiteStone this does leave me wondering just what happens to all
those research dollars? I simply cannot believe there is no medical solution to this medical problem.
Thankfully, God has the solution. In Him we trust.
Love and gratitude xo

Cheryl said...

Di, I know you are there and feel your love and strength. It is now almost 2am and I am up to your trick of staying up all night, except for a different reason. Only problem for me is that I eat and drink countless cups of tea.
I do believe every problem has a solution and it is up to me to find the answer to my prayers.
Thank you for your continued support my special friend xo

Cheryl said...

Love and gratitude Rama. Keeping my end of the bargain xo

Cheryl said...

StonePost I do have 'other' aids in my arsenal. Time to bring out the 'big' guns.
Not sure what else to do?
Seems doing nothing is not an option. The journey could then be much worse.
I am not ready to subject myself to the rigours of chemo as there is no guarantee with soft tissue cancer potentially caused by radiation. The do the damage without having the solution. Interesting, isn't it?
Thanks for your thoughts and friendship xo

Cheryl said...

Hello again my lovely friend. Thank you so much for your continued support, and especially information regarding your friend.
I guess we all have our own belief system, depending on our journey and our struggles.
I do not believe that chemo is the solution to my problem and yet I know there is a solution.
Martha it is after 2am my friend and I have just done something stupid that saw me lose most of what I had written, I can only say it must not have been what was needed so I will sign off for now. Over and out lovely lady. Thanks for your presence in my life xo

Cheryl said...

Hello again my lovely friend. Thank you so much for your continued support, and especially information regarding your friend.
I guess we all have our own belief system, depending on our journey and our struggles.
I do not believe that chemo is the solution to my problem and yet I know there is a solution.
Martha it is after 2am my friend and I have just done something stupid that saw me lose most of what I had written, I can only say it must not have been what was needed so I will sign off for now. Over and out lovely lady. Thanks for your presence in my life xo

Kaz said...

Chez as we talked the other day knew it had gotten worst but i had to look away,so sorry my friend.tears tears.You will find what is best for you and where you live.Wrapping my arms around you always.

Love Kaz.xo

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

So all the radiation specialist could say was Hmmmm?

I am hoping that your appointment with the oncologist will be more helpful. I feel so bad as this monster takes over your chest.

Whether you stay on your beautiful farm somewhat isolated but restful or with the rest of your family in the city must be a tough thing to decide.
You are in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Chez I have been following your journey for months now after I found you from another blog. When there is silence I worry about you, and am relieved when you reappear even though you are going through so much so bravely.

As others have said I send you gentle hugs and prayers. I am a 'sister in BC' and know just a little about your journey. I don't know how you feel about this but I am sharing a little prayer that uesd to help me a lot on parts of my journey - and still does of course although I am really 'lucky' at the moment. I don't know whether that is luck, really or God and a wonderful medical team woking together.

My prayer for you is -

Prayer for Protection

The light of God surrounds you
The love of God enfolds you

The presence of God watches over you
The power of God protects you

Wherever you are God Is.

Written by James Dillet Freeman for soldiers in WW2. With your reading you may already know it.

I use it often, in tough times and in the good times, meditating or doing things that are big challenges and I immediately feel peace within me and radiate through me - and reassure, comfort and calm me whatever the circumstances. I hope it may do it for you sometimes too.

Love and peace Barbx

Edwina said...

Cheryl, I am so sorry you have not seen an improvement, or found the answers you are seeking.

My thoughts and prayers are with you always~Edwina

Diana Doyle said...

Chez, So very sad to see and read what you are up against...life is unfair to the best people sometimes..I wish I could understand why??

You are brave and strong Chez...I think if going home is playing on your mind then maybe it's time.

I bet your children would love to spend some quality time with you....as my mum used to say, "at the end of the day, all we have is our photo's and memories."

I would love to meet you if you go back to country Vic, I shall be back in November and would love to give you a hug.

You are always in my thoughts Chez,
sending love
Diana x

Beth L. Gainer said...

Chez,

You are always near and dear to my heart, even though we are separated by physical distance.

I am hoping and praying for you...

diane b said...

So sad to see the mess the radiation caused. I wish there was a magic cure for you, you are such a brave person and putting up such a good fight. The phsyc sessions sound rewarding keep going if you can.

Cheryl said...

Sue it really does seem to be a time to let it all 'sink in.'
The radiation oncologist will accept no responsibility whereas the medical oncologist, and also the wound care nurse, say it happens far to frequently. Trying to get a post together about yesterday's consult; it was very interesting.
Things do seem to have changed on the home front as I miss my family and, although I don't necessarily want anything from them, I would like to spend time with them and my grandchildren.
Feel it will work out though which is good.

Cheryl said...

Kaz, maybe those that say I should not 'own' it are right. Stopped looking at it and using Barb's prayer for healing.
Stay strong my friend. Love and friendship always xo

Cheryl said...

Barb my love and gratitude for your kind words and the prayer. I do feel that I may have come across it previously although it means so much more having come from you.
I love the blogging community, along with fb and Memory-of. My cyber friends hold a very special place in my heart.
Don't be afraid to email me if you would like to keep in touch. I am still trying to work out how to use Dragon voice recognition software so in the meantime, things are slow as a one finger typist, especially as fatigue is a major problem.
Thank you for your welcome comment. Until next time...

Cheryl said...

Edwina, my dearest friend, the answers are there somewhere, just a matter of seeking them out.
You know the saying 'Seek and you shall find....'
Live life, laugh and love always xo

Cheryl said...

Diana, I believe it is quite on the cards that we shall meet. I would love that!
These are certainly tough times with questions to which there are no answers, only more questions at the moment.
To undertake chemo goes against everything I have ever believed in so it is interesting as I have not had any 'better' offers.. haha
Your own experience has shown you the difficulties of the choices we make.
I do get so much strength from my cyber friends. Thank you for your support.
Love Chez xo

Cheryl said...

Beth it does go both ways. Thanks for being with me on this journey. Love and gratitude..

Cheryl said...

Diane it is lovely to have you back; especially love your pics.
It does seem that getting my head and heart in order are essential for me.
These are difficult days in many ways...

Julie Goodale said...

Chez,
I am filled with such sadness at what you are going through. As always, I wish for you all the strength you need as you move forward, and keep you in my thoughts & hopes.

Julie

Cheryl said...

Thanks so much Julie. Today I explained to my heartbroken grandson that we had to make it 'our' friend. I suggested that if I don't let it bother me then he shouldn't either.
Now the question is 'How do I follow my own advice?'