Is My Heart is Elsewhere?

'Impossible situations can become possible miracles.'

 – Robert H. Schuller

Not looking too bad at the end of May

Not looking too good at the end of July

Both Haydn and I feel incredibly sad as we observe my body, and its ability to grow this disgusting, fungating, odorous mass. It is difficult not to be affected by the sight and odour as it is right under my nose. 

My right arm is now akin to a lump of lead hanging loosely by my side. I have to practically stand on my head to dress the top half of my body; makes dressing interesting, and slow. Thank goodness for pull up stretch jeans.

On Friday we had a 2 hour wait to be seen by the Radiation Oncologist. It was a non event!. As usual, he had little more to say than Mmm, Mmm.. I pray that he will learn from this experience. The waiting room was filled with patients, many appearing to be dreadfully ill and yet living in hope that their treatment will give them another opportunity to live their life to the full.

Next stop was to spend time with the most amazing, compassionate Wound Care Nurse who managed to have me laughing, and crying at the same time. She explained how radiation either allows, or causes this to happen. She also said that she sees it far too often. Having given me lots of information, along with dressings to try, she applied a lovely Mepilex Lite, soft Silicone dressing which she said would last for several days.

We arrived home, dressing intact, and yet I could feel the itchiness of the skin below. After some time, unable to stand the discomfort any more, I went to the mirror and removed the dressing. The sight of the wound disgusted me; having had it covered for some time it was repulsive! I simply sobbed uncontrollably.

Although my state of mind was not good I choose that particular time to check the cost of the dressings.Tess had recommended a wholesale site. One of her favourites, a silver Silicone costs $285 for 5 dressings. Oh boy! Will this ever end? Over the years, the costs associated with cancer, and its treatment, have been astronomical.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with 'Dr Amazing' who will give me information on the potential risks and benefits of chemotherapy. Everything in me says the risks begin with the insertion of the port given the breakdown in my skin's integrity. As my body continues to fight this 'monster' it leaves little in the way of nutrients to keep me strong and healthy.

I still believe there is a way to 'beat' this disease. It is up to me to find 'it.'

Once again, I reflect on the isolation of life at the farm. Although I do have financial security, and a very loyal 'best friend' who loves me and cares for me, I am wondering if it is sufficient. Two of my children live in the state of Victoria. My youngest son was born and died in the same state. I intend to use the Funeral Company that employs my eldest son. Apparently I am entitled to a 'good deal' with huge discounts. It all makes sense! Is that my heart whispering to me that it is time to come home? 

'Let your heart be your compass, your
mind your map, your soul your guide...
and you will never get lost'
-Unknown.