Sunday, August 21, 2011

The Last Word

'All our life passes in this way: we seek rest by struggling against certain obstacles, and once they are overcome, rest proves intolerable because of the boredom it produces.'
BLAISE PASCAL, Pensees
Although I had promised myself there would be no further dialogue on the matter of the missed breakfast, and the assistance given to the neighbours, I cannot help but have the 'last word' in order to clarify the situation. Sunday morning breakfast was far from the only occasion that I was left 'Feeling Let Down and Disappointed' It happens frequently.
Indigo Dreaming is a Blog of 'My Life;' a record for my children and grandchildren. I deliberately choose to keep most of what happens in my personal relationship away from these pages. I remain mindful that what is written here is a record for life. The written/spoken word cannot be taken back. Why destroy a relationship that has taken years to build. My life is about learning to love unconditionally, which means many things are allowed to 'go through to the keeper.'
The reality for me is that the cancer, recurring in my glands, has spread to the area under the breast. It follows the ribs from the outside in towards the centre. The lesions emerge, appearing to 'pop' out, breaking the surface in pea size lumps. They are inflamed, red, angry and extremely painful. Pain is managed by increasing doses of opiates Wound malodour is a distressing symptom, making life more difficult, requiring regular visits from a specialised Wound Care Nurse. The original fungating wound has increased in size. It is similar looking to a volcano, spewing out its contents, causing me much pain in the area surrounding it. It seems chemotherapy is the only treatment for something that appears to have come from a young specialist who choose to give more, rather than less radiation, knowing that the area cannot be re-radiated.
For me, and my loved ones, it is not a 'pretty' picture. I have no use of my right lymphoedema hand/arm and it continues to hang limply, like a lump of lead, by my side. Domestic duties are difficult. Meal times a bit of a nightmare as H eats only to live; he is not particularly interested in food. Food preparation was always my domain; I loved to experiment with food. I do have domestic assistance and love it when Carole and Tracy arrive each Monday morning. My home sparkles when they leave but they do not help me to get dinner on the table each night.
I guess the reason that I look forward to the opportunity of going out to eat is that it takes me away from the reality, and boredom, of mealtimes at home. I have convinced myself that lambs fry and bacon is good for my iron levels. Although H is extremely good at providing transport for my appointments, we have no 'social' life together. Breakfast at the Paterson B and B is a 'big thing' for me. I no longer have years to look forward to. Without a miracle, my life is being measured in days, week and months.

12 comments:

diane b said...

A sad tale. If only I could help you I would. It must be so frustrating and scary knowing treatment is not working. All my love and best wishes.

Alli said...

I have been having a difficult time sleeping for many reasons.
No doubt my dear that there are many men who are inconsiderate ooofs.... I could name you a handful of the ones I have encountered over the years. My late ex hubby was Army Military all the way. We never had holidays or weekends because they were filled with rifle ranges, mess dinners, army weekends and training.
He blew you off for breakfast true..... me I would have proceeded to make dinner reservations. I know you need a break and getting away can mean so much when you feel cooped up . I wish I could tell you hop on a plane come down here... You and I need to have a good chat this week..Love Alli XXX

starzyia said...

Hi Chez,
having been quite busy writing and editing, I have now had time to read all the posts since I last called in here.
Your grand daughter is a beauty!

As for breakfast, I can see why this would be so upsetting for you, but men are dense... I am thinking Haydn just wanted to escape for a while, focusing on someone with a different set of difficulties, and then not willing to accept how that would be letting you down, he got angry. Men don't always process the effects of their desires (in my humble opinion). My Dad would rather get mad then face that he might have made the wrong choice. And he never apologises when his stupid friends ring early in the morning. I actually see a lot of resemblence between my dad and your H.
Anyway, I hope he bloody well fixed you something to eat before he went to the neighbour's!

ring me anytime you want a chat xoxox Starry

Edwina said...

My thoughts are with you Cheryl, It saddens me reading this latest entry and I can totally understand why your feeling let down and dissapointed.

I wish more than anything that i where closer and could visit.

Sending you gentle hugs and love always~Edwina ♥

Beth L. Gainer said...

Chez,

I felt sad reading this and understand totally why you are blogging; it is important to leave a record of our lives, even should we live long ones.

Sean said...

Everyone here is a loving friend of yours Cheryl. I don't believe there is one here who would think that the 'missed breakfast' was an isolated incident. You are far too selfless and fair minded. Ignorant insensitivity is often mistaken for apathy, but that is not an excuse. If from the other side of the world one can see the importance of the B & B outing to you, well then...
We are here for you Cheryl. To listen and support, to love and to pray. xo

Kaz said...

Chez as i have always said you rock my friend and you always come first,you know what i mean.

I do agree with what Sean said,we are here with you Chez.

Love always,Kaz.xo

BreastCancerSisterhood.com said...

Chez,
You have so much courage and zest for life. It breaks my heart to hear how you are suffering. My prayers are with you.

Love,
Brenda

Diane Rodgers said...

Oh my sweet friend ...this blog has really slapped me in the face .... I knew you weren't doing well...but now after reading this today I am aware fully of where you are in this struggle with this damn cancer..... I can so understand why you are so upset with Hayden now.....when you need him most .... he is paying attention to others....breaks my heart to see this for you.... I so wish I could be there with you to spoil you and do whatever it is you want to do each day .... a simple breakfast means so much away from the house.... I can hardly stand to think you are suffering so much....please God answer our prayers for our gorgeous friend Cheryl....We know it is going to take a miracle to make her well and we know You are able ...more than able to stretch your hands down to her and heal her to complete wellness once again.....we know it is going to take a miracle and we will praise you and give you thanks and bring others to you....through her healing so many will be saved .... there is a reason for all of this and we will humble ourselves and pray knowing you are the mighty healer and deliverer....Dear Father God....PLEASE lay your hands on our Cheryl now as I type this....make her well...heal her and we will all glorify your holy name.... we will spread your love and saving grace to so many who are lost without you.....all that matters in this world is to love as you have loved us....we love you dear sweet friend ....God loves you and His will will be done in your life.....Our Father whom art in Heaven hallowed be thy name.... thy kingdom come thy will be done... this is my prayer for my friend....may Your will be done in her life.....I love you Cheryl...more than I can ever explain to you in words.....praying for you so much....lifting you and yours before the throne of God....I will love you always and forever ...never meeting you but so loving you.....God Bless you dear friend ...forever and always....Di....xox

Sean said...

Very beautiful and heartfelt words Diane. I second that prayer if I may. God bless you.

Diana Doyle said...

Dear Chez,

Thinking of you after reading this post.

I hope you can find lots of love from all those who read your inspiring posts....I'm sorry to read about your cancer and all thats its doing to your body.

Sending a hug to you on your joureny...and I hope you can fill your days with things that make you feel better.

Congrats on your new little grandaughter...she's beautiful! A new little soul to love.

with lots of love Chez
Diana x

rama said...

I can totally understand your feelings, for we too have been brushed aside many times in our lives. So what, when I make breakfast here and have it with coffee,I will always imagine you sitting by my side, enjoying the breakfast, chit chatting with me, sharing your life before cancer, and relating to me all the fun times you had. Believe me, the walk down the good old days would really cheer you up, and can make you jump up and say "to hell with Hayden and his insensitivity, I am alive and kicking".