Friday, October 15, 2010

Get me Outta Here..... Please?

Although it was my intention to continue on from the previous post it has not happened. That will come later.

Why is it that for the past two to three weeks I have felt like I need to be scraped from the bottom of the bird cage?

My last consultation with Dr Sales was pretty much routine. The feelings of wellness did not last long. I found myself feeling tired and lethargic within days; maybe even a little sad on occasions. Putting those feelings aside, I readily agreed to book flights to go to Melbourne to visit my children. I had been happy to forego my trip to Floriade to spend time with family. Knowing that 22nd October is Damian and Tyneal's first wedding anniversary I went ahead and booked tickets for myself and Haydn to depart on Thursday 21st. I was excited! It has been far too long since I have spent time Damian, Megan or Carla and respective families/grandchildren. Two days later I experienced a major hiccup with bleeding from where the sun doesn't shine. Being on blood thinning medications adds to the problem. By Wednesday I realised that I simply did not have the energy for the flight and the driving the trip would entail.

I became very emotional. Knowing that crying was not going to achieve anything I picked up the phone to call Damian. I had offered to stay with Jascha, allowing Damian the freedom to do something special with Tyneal. Why I was being such a sook? I had no idea! I have always felt I had a strong constitution. Not any more! Although I started off crying, Damian soon had me laughing with his suggestion of wearing adult diapers and travelling anyway. At the end of our conversation he had allowed me to be convinced that my health must be the priority. They would simply make other arrangements for Jascha. Thank you Damian. You always manage to bring things back to an even keel.

Knowing that I have been feeling rather tired, and sad, I feel it is time to address all issues that may be contributing to my current crisis. The isolation at the farm is probably number one. Femara is right up there as the joint swelling and pain seems to be getting progressively worse. On reading Dr Aaaron Tabor's latest blog entry I became aware that having physical limitations as a result of breast cancer treatment increases my risk of death due to any cause by 40%. I rather think that whether the cause is the cancer, or the treatment, it is something else to overcome. I want so much to blog regularly, as well as keep in touch via email, with my favourite people, and I struggle to do that now as a one or two finger typist. Then of course, there is always the loss of a child. Although it will be four years next month since Jeremy's accident, the pain remains. I am fatigued and yet I cannot help but ask 'Is there something else going on?'

So back to today. Reflecting on all of this, I realise that it is necessary to make a decision; time to put a plan in place. Mentally, I have made a decision that I can live with and feel at peace with myself. Now it is time to hasten slowly.


Anonymous said...

Oh Chez, my heart goes out to you! But I must say, I agree with getting a plan in place. I did that, and was very anxious as I began the process. But I found that as I went on, a sense of calmness came over me, and it remains with me to this day. I feel much more settled, now that I have made my plans.
Love and hugs to you

Kaz said...

Chez wish i could be there to give you gentle hugs in person.I hope you can see your family that you so miss with all your heart.Chez you always know your gut feeling and you will do what you think,wish you could just have a break for once in your life.

Love always my dear gorgeous friend.Kaz.xoxo said...

I'm glad you have a doctor's appointment. By "regular doctor," do you mean your oncologist? In reading your blog posts, I realize just how much grief you're still carrying with you over losing Ray, as well as the new life you find yourself in.

Have you been treated for depression? It's hard enough coping with any one of these things, but add breast cancer and the aftereffects of Jeremy's death as well.... You have a lot to deal with. Please make yourself front and center and find those who will help you do that.


Starry said...

just letting you know I'm thinking of you and hoping the best for you always.
love you, xoxoxox Starry

artistdeb said...

Thinking of you. xo

Alli said...

I hadn't deciderd till now whether I would reply to you via email or here.
My dear Cheryu, you have got to make yourself the priority over everything and everyone. If you feel that travel is out of the question then so bi it, you can travel later. As for the bleeding from where the sun don't shine. You should be checked for internal hemmoroids and get medicaton to prevent these situations.
I have called and left a message regarding the Voice Over software, i expect to hear likely today. as i mentioned he is travelling the planet looking for a suitable wife. hahaha
Cheryl Audrey is so right make yourself a plan if you feel the need to. I too believe you will feel much better and less stressed. So many things have been coming up that hurt. I know from personal experience our grief can't be experienced by anyone but ourselves but we can learn to find a little bit of peace in this world.

I think about you, worry about you and want you to have better days....

Love Alli..XXX

diane said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling low today but you have ended with a good rationale.I'm having a bad day too. Tired and sick with a sore throat and back.