Love is the Answer

I am frustrated that I have been unable to purchase good second hand book shelves since moving to the farm. It probably has something to do with the fact that book lovers like to keep their books and, of course, their bookshelves.

Yesterday while looking through the pile of books sitting on the floor I was drawn to my copy of 'The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav.' I have not read the book yet I found it interesting that I opened it to a chapter on Psychology. It states that Psychology means soul knowledge or the study of the spirit.

Given that I am still taking Oxycontin twice per day for the intense pain that has been my constant companion for months I read on through the few pages. I remembered recently that David, my local hypnotherapist had mentioned that we are emotional, physical and spiritual beings and for complete healing it might be wise to address the pain on these levels.

I understand from the book that the experience of pain, coupled with an understanding that pain, serves a worthy purpose. As I read that suffering in meaningful I questioned the purpose.

I wondered if there could be any truth in the statement that suffering can be endured because it is necessary for the evolution of our soul?

I believe that we are spirits having a human experience. I do not see death as 'the end.' Surely there must be some other way to learn the lessons. I do not believe it has to be this painful!

The lessons came hard and fast as I read that if you are unkind to yourself you will, in turn, be unkind to others. By neglecting myself could I possibly be treating others in the same manner?

Was I truly able to feel compassion for myself and compassion for others?

I quote the following in the knowledge that, for me, it is of utmost importance.

'If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love others and you cannot stand to see others loved. If you cannot treat your own self kindly you will resent that treatment when you see it in anyone else. If you cannot love yourself loving others becomes a very painful endeavour with only occasional moments of comfort. In other words, loving others, or how you treat yourself, is your own dose of your own medicine that you really give to others at the same time.'

There was a time recently that I became aware that I had put myself in my current situation. As I was walking down the drive at the farm, literally screaming in pain, I said to myself 'You have done this to yourself.' It was a light globe moment for me.

I was so sure that I had always shown unconditional love for Jeremy. His passing leaft me in a state of utter disbelief and grief. Although he remained with me in essence, I no longer had the joy of physical contact.

I began to think about the love that I had felt and expressed so readily and easily. There was never a conversation that did not end 'Love you Sunshine.' He shared with me that he always felt that I loved him unconditionally.

Of course, I began to look at the way I had abused my body over the two years since his passing. Drinking far too much coffee and not eating correctly has taken its toll. Given that I have lived with cancer since 1996 I knew, with absolute certainty, that in order to love others in the way I proclaimed to, then I had first to apply the principal to myself.

It is with a clear vision that I choose healthy food knowing that food is to be my medicine.