Aries are 'Carers'

Haydn and I, both widowed, met and married in 1996. Although we separated, later divorcing, we remained the very best of friends. It was a tragic set of circumstances that made living together almost impossible; those that know us are not surprised that we are still together. This came about, more or less, as a result of my Breast Ca diagnosis. Haydn was prepared to do everything possible to give me the very best chance of survival.

I continually ask myself what has changed?  These are uncharted waters for me. For as long as I have know Haydn he has stated, most emphatically, that Aries are 'carers.' He wears it as a badge of honour. He has a daughter that now mimics his words.

Why do I not feel that I am being 'cared' for? What do I say when I am not in agreement? It seems to me that anyone can be a carer; people get paid to work as carers. Being someone that cares is quite different. I remember reading somewhere that the person that cares least in a relationship, rules the relationship. I suspect there may be some truth in that statement. I think it was the poet H.W. Auden that said 'If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving be me.' All the more reason to embrace my current situation and learn to be more loving.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but it is almost as if duty calls when Haydn does things for me. I feel so very vulnerable these days that tears are a common thing. I am immediately told to 'STOP BEING EMOTIONAL.' Why won't he listen when I try to explain that tears are an essential part of the healing process? For me, at least.

Many of you know that the isolation of life at the farm has presented many challenges. I willingly moved to the farm at the time of our retirement, secure in the knowledge that I owned a motor vehicle and held a Driver's Licence. I still hold the Driver's Licence but do very little driving. Fatigue is a common side effect of the medications that control my pain, allowing me to function, albeit at a much lower level than I am used to. The return trip to the city is 180 kilometres and it seems I may never drive that distance again. I will never put myself, or others, at risk. Maybe I have lost my confidence. Who knows?

The thing about Hayd is his love of all things farming. He heads out first thing in the morning. Lunchtime comes and he will come in and get his own lunch. What is wrong with me having the expectation that he will at least consider me? I just don't get it! Food is not really a priority for Hayd, he claims he eats to live. Knowing that healthy food choices are important for me at this times it concerns me that I find myself dependent on someone to assist with food preparation. There must be 'gadgets' out there that will allow me to live a little more independently. I feel extremely frustrated that I am unable to chop, slice, peel etc. Even making a salad sandwich for lunch [using the left hand] can be very difficult.

How do I learn to 'EMBRACE' my current situation?  I have to be asked to be driven to doctor's appointments. I miss attending therapy sessions because I have no way of getting there. My arm is swollen with lymphoedema and I have enrolled in the Encore hydrotherapy programme, without knowing how I will get to weekly sessions. I miss my friends, and the lunches, and group meetings that were part of my life. It seems like it was another world. Haydn and I have never had mutual friends. He likes to live the life of a recluse. Gardening and domestic duties are on the back burner for me these days because of the disability that I am learning to live with. In spite of all of this, my 'real' issue is the fact that I live with someone that claims to be a 'carer' and he does not 'care' enough to ensure that we eat healthy and nutritious meals together.

I suspect there is more to this......

Love is the Answer

I am frustrated that I have been unable to purchase good second hand book shelves since moving to the farm. It probably has something to do with the fact that book lovers like to keep their books and, of course, their bookshelves.

Yesterday while looking through the pile of books sitting on the floor I was drawn to my copy of 'The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav.' I have not read the book yet I found it interesting that I opened it to a chapter on Psychology. It states that Psychology means soul knowledge or the study of the spirit.

Given that I am still taking Oxycontin twice per day for the intense pain that has been my constant companion for months I read on through the few pages. I remembered recently that David, my local hypnotherapist had mentioned that we are emotional, physical and spiritual beings and for complete healing it might be wise to address the pain on these levels.

I understand from the book that the experience of pain, coupled with an understanding that pain, serves a worthy purpose. As I read that suffering in meaningful I questioned the purpose.

I wondered if there could be any truth in the statement that suffering can be endured because it is necessary for the evolution of our soul?

I believe that we are spirits having a human experience. I do not see death as 'the end.' Surely there must be some other way to learn the lessons. I do not believe it has to be this painful!

The lessons came hard and fast as I read that if you are unkind to yourself you will, in turn, be unkind to others. By neglecting myself could I possibly be treating others in the same manner?

Was I truly able to feel compassion for myself and compassion for others?

I quote the following in the knowledge that, for me, it is of utmost importance.

'If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love others and you cannot stand to see others loved. If you cannot treat your own self kindly you will resent that treatment when you see it in anyone else. If you cannot love yourself loving others becomes a very painful endeavour with only occasional moments of comfort. In other words, loving others, or how you treat yourself, is your own dose of your own medicine that you really give to others at the same time.'

There was a time recently that I became aware that I had put myself in my current situation. As I was walking down the drive at the farm, literally screaming in pain, I said to myself 'You have done this to yourself.' It was a light globe moment for me.

I was so sure that I had always shown unconditional love for Jeremy. His passing leaft me in a state of utter disbelief and grief. Although he remained with me in essence, I no longer had the joy of physical contact.

I began to think about the love that I had felt and expressed so readily and easily. There was never a conversation that did not end 'Love you Sunshine.' He shared with me that he always felt that I loved him unconditionally.

Of course, I began to look at the way I had abused my body over the two years since his passing. Drinking far too much coffee and not eating correctly has taken its toll. Given that I have lived with cancer since 1996 I knew, with absolute certainty, that in order to love others in the way I proclaimed to, then I had first to apply the principal to myself.

It is with a clear vision that I choose healthy food knowing that food is to be my medicine.

More Lessons..

On Saturday I baked Blueberry Muffins to take along to my final Positive Energy Group meeting for 2008.

I have been delighted to find, since moving to the farm, that there are many opportunities to be in the company of like minded people.

We were each asked what Christmas meant to us. It was easy to see therefor, why the topic chosend for the day was 'Love' As we were asked to bring to mind those people that we felt deserved to receive our love, I became aware that my problem was my inability to love myself. Why did I feel unloveable?

As I searched for the answers I realised that, in the past, I had easily been able to love those that I felt had returned my love. I had not been successful in loving unconditionally.
Loving my children was easy. I quickly learned to understand that their behavious was not who they were.

Knowing that Mum had passed without telling any of her children that she loved them I understand that, in my lifetime, I will not know the reason for this. Thankfully she did not discriminate. It applied to all five of us. It seems that she simply 'shut down' as a 16 year old when her first and only love was sent away to work on the railway. Mum never recovered from the separation of that young love.

Having uncovered some things that were very personal, and very close to my heart, I felt that there was definitely a healing taking place. It therefore surprised me immensely to find on my return hom that I was in unbearable pain. Although I have had some problems with phlebitis and bursitis, as well as lymphoedema, this pain was like no other.
I was 'pill popping' in an effort to try to get some relief. I knew I ran the risk of taking too many. The pain would not leave me. I was distraught!

I decided to e-mail my doctor in Sydney as well as a local Naturopath/Hypnotherapist named David that I had seen approximately 12 months ago.

This is David's reply to my e-mail;
'We are physical, mental, emotional and spiritual beings. Pain, in my experience, can come out of anyone of those areas although it is experienced in the physical. Learning how to release and let go allows pain to be understood, it's message acknowledged and steps to be put in place to do what needs to be done. Without understanding we often strugle with pain and curse our body for having it.'

I know in my heart that the loss of Jeremy has had a lot to do with my my current health problems. I hear him telling me it is time to 'move on.'

Unfortunately I am paying the price for abusing my body on this grief journey. Drinking far too much coffee, while not eating foods to balance it, has caused an imflammatory response.

I have been told that for each year of abuse it will take me one week of a very strict regime to alkalise and bring my body back in to balance.

I have a lot of work to do.....

Expressing Love

Love is always bestowed as a gift -- freely, willingly, and without expectation.... We don't love to be loved; we love to love. ~ Leo Buscaglia

During 2006, 'The King' and I spent a great deal of time travelling to and from Dubbo to be with Mum, who began to experience serious health problems for the first time in her 82 years. She was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. I remember my phone call to Jeremy telling him that Nana was really sick; it did not look good. He simply said 'Tell Nana, I love her.'

I passed the message on. I felt my heart miss a beat when Mum barely acknowledged Jeremy's love. How could it not be possible to tell your grandson that you love him?

Mum lost her battle in October 2006; Jeremy's accident less than one month later. Although Mum had every opportunity to tell each of her 5 children that she loved us she never did. We are still waiting...

On the other hand, I was blessed to have a joyful conversation with Jezz on the morning of his accident. My last words to him were 'Love you Sunshine!'

Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low. ~ Henry Ward Beecher