Monday, September 20, 2010

Aries are 'Carers'

Haydn and I, both widowed, met and married in 1996. Although we separated, later divorcing, we remained the very best of friends. It was a tragic set of circumstances that made living together almost impossible; those that know us are not surprised that we are still together. This came about, more or less, as a result of my Breast Ca diagnosis. Haydn was prepared to do everything possible to give me the very best chance of survival.

I continually ask myself what has changed?  These are uncharted waters for me. For as long as I have know Haydn he has stated, most emphatically, that Aries are 'carers.' He wears it as a badge of honour. He has a daughter that now mimics his words.

Why do I not feel that I am being 'cared' for? What do I say when I am not in agreement? It seems to me that anyone can be a carer; people get paid to work as carers. Being someone that cares is quite different. I remember reading somewhere that the person that cares least in a relationship, rules the relationship. I suspect there may be some truth in that statement. I think it was the poet H.W. Auden that said 'If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving be me.' All the more reason to embrace my current situation and learn to be more loving.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but it is almost as if duty calls when Haydn does things for me. I feel so very vulnerable these days that tears are a common thing. I am immediately told to 'STOP BEING EMOTIONAL.' Why won't he listen when I try to explain that tears are an essential part of the healing process? For me, at least.

Many of you know that the isolation of life at the farm has presented many challenges. I willingly moved to the farm at the time of our retirement, secure in the knowledge that I owned a motor vehicle and held a Driver's Licence. I still hold the Driver's Licence but do very little driving. Fatigue is a common side effect of the medications that control my pain, allowing me to function, albeit at a much lower level than I am used to. The return trip to the city is 180 kilometres and it seems I may never drive that distance again. I will never put myself, or others, at risk. Maybe I have lost my confidence. Who knows?

The thing about Hayd is his love of all things farming. He heads out first thing in the morning. Lunchtime comes and he will come in and get his own lunch. What is wrong with me having the expectation that he will at least consider me? I just don't get it! Food is not really a priority for Hayd, he claims he eats to live. Knowing that healthy food choices are important for me at this times it concerns me that I find myself dependent on someone to assist with food preparation. There must be 'gadgets' out there that will allow me to live a little more independently. I feel extremely frustrated that I am unable to chop, slice, peel etc. Even making a salad sandwich for lunch [using the left hand] can be very difficult.

How do I learn to 'EMBRACE' my current situation?  I have to be asked to be driven to doctor's appointments. I miss attending therapy sessions because I have no way of getting there. My arm is swollen with lymphoedema and I have enrolled in the Encore hydrotherapy programme, without knowing how I will get to weekly sessions. I miss my friends, and the lunches, and group meetings that were part of my life. It seems like it was another world. Haydn and I have never had mutual friends. He likes to live the life of a recluse. Gardening and domestic duties are on the back burner for me these days because of the disability that I am learning to live with. In spite of all of this, my 'real' issue is the fact that I live with someone that claims to be a 'carer' and he does not 'care' enough to ensure that we eat healthy and nutritious meals together.

I suspect there is more to this......


diane b said...

Sorry to hear that you are frustrated with Hadyn's attitude. It must be so hard for you, but how would you manage without him? Can you give him a shopping list with the foods that you would like? Hope things improve for you.

Alli said...


I am going to sit down tonight and send you an email....You are not alone in this......
Love Alli...xxoo

WhiteStone said...

Oh, I do wish I could reach out and touch your arm and say, "Heal!" It must be very difficult dealing with tasks one-handedly.

Sadly, my attempts at "healthy" eating sometimes revert to a snack of yogurt. *wry smile*

Cheryl said...

Diane, I have asked myself that very question. The situation seems to be that much worse because Haydn has no choice but to shop with me if we wish to eat. Even a minor change such as this could make a HUGE difference. I am working towards being able to drive myself to the nearest town which is 30 mins away.

Cheryl said...

Alli, I know you understand this more than most.
For both of us;
'Things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out'
Blessings Chez xo

Cheryl said...

WhiteStone - my evening meal was yoghurt and strawberries - after a long day in the city.
Like you, my favourite apples are Jonathans. They have become very difficult to find now and I suspect it is due to short shelf life. Almost all our apples are cold storage and the taste is just not the same.
Thanks for your feed back on that amazing apple 'gadget' Maybe it is just not for me said...

Oh Chez,
My heart breaks for you!! I want to scoop you up and love you, make lunch for you, drive you down the lane until we find a view that inspires us and then stop and drink in God's glory. Don't ask me what I would do to Haydn. I had a man in my life like that, and it's hard.

I know you're on the other side of the ocean, but what if some of us find a time, once a week or so, and get together on Skype for a girls' chat? A Skype party? I don't even know the mechanics of how this would work, but I'm going to check into it. I'll let you know what I find out. Sometimes we just need "a hug" from someone who can identify with us in some way.


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