On Saturday I baked Blueberry Muffins to take along to my final Positive Energy Group meeting for 2008.
I have been delighted to find, since moving to the farm, that there are many opportunities to be in the company of like minded people.
We were each asked what Christmas meant to us. It was easy to see therefor, why the topic chosend for the day was 'Love' As we were asked to bring to mind those people that we felt deserved to receive our love, I became aware that my problem was my inability to love myself. Why did I feel unloveable?
As I searched for the answers I realised that, in the past, I had easily been able to love those that I felt had returned my love. I had not been successful in loving unconditionally.
Loving my children was easy. I quickly learned to understand that their behavious was not who they were.
Knowing that Mum had passed without telling any of her children that she loved them I understand that, in my lifetime, I will not know the reason for this. Thankfully she did not discriminate. It applied to all five of us. It seems that she simply 'shut down' as a 16 year old when her first and only love was sent away to work on the railway. Mum never recovered from the separation of that young love.
Having uncovered some things that were very personal, and very close to my heart, I felt that there was definitely a healing taking place. It therefore surprised me immensely to find on my return hom that I was in unbearable pain. Although I have had some problems with phlebitis and bursitis, as well as lymphoedema, this pain was like no other.
I was 'pill popping' in an effort to try to get some relief. I knew I ran the risk of taking too many. The pain would not leave me. I was distraught!
I decided to e-mail my doctor in Sydney as well as a local Naturopath/Hypnotherapist named David that I had seen approximately 12 months ago.
This is David's reply to my e-mail;
'We are physical, mental, emotional and spiritual beings. Pain, in my experience, can come out of anyone of those areas although it is experienced in the physical. Learning how to release and let go allows pain to be understood, it's message acknowledged and steps to be put in place to do what needs to be done. Without understanding we often strugle with pain and curse our body for having it.'
Unfortunately I am paying the price for abusing my body on this grief journey. Drinking far too much coffee, while not eating foods to balance it, has caused an imflammatory response.
I have been told that for each year of abuse it will take me one week of a very strict regime to alkalise and bring my body back in to balance.