The End is Near

Some time ago my friend Sue, from Eagle Reach, paid $20 to Del-Marie for four little pink Breast Cancer Bears. They are particularly cute, and I had run short when handing them out to Group 33 friends at our last Breast Cancer Support Group luncheon. The money raised goes to the National Breast Cancer Research Foundation. I was happy to purchase them knowing that funds raised go towards prevention, as well as finding a cure for cancer. A quick phone call to her today led to a full day's outing, as well as providing the opportunity for me to pay the money I owe and collect the bears. Sue had a list of 'jobs' to be done at Maitland. I decided to go along for the ride. While browsing the isles of Coles Supermarket I was delighted to pick up Acid Free Sheet Protectors. I had no idea they were available; I now have the perfect way to store those letters from the past. Whoohoo...

Although I managed to 'last the distance' with Ray, it would be dishonest of me not to admit that there were difficult times. Times that I actually thought Ray would outlive me. I wonder now just what was going through my head at those times.  Ray was 51 and would 'celebrate' another birthday on 18 March. I was not unduly worried when he was prescribed antibiotics by the doctor on Tuesday 8 March, 1994. Coincidentally, it was the very date in 1990 [four years previously] that Mum arrived in Melbourne, from Dubbo. Ray had been referred to Damien Jenson at the Alfred Hospital after a CT Scan showed a large brain tumour. He was scheduled for  neuro surgery at the Alfred Hospital on 9 March, 1990.

Fast forward four years. On 9 March, 1994, we opened the blinds in the lounge room to enjoy the early morning sun rising in the East. The day appeared perfect. Ray sat in his comfortable chair, with the sun streaming through the window warming his back, while I made his morning coffee. For the 27 years of  our marriage, Ray had taken his tea and coffee black and, for reasons I do not remember, he found he loved his coffee made with milk. He was looking forward to the pleasure of that early morning 'cuppa.'

Writing about these times brings the memories flooding back; like reminiscing on yesterday. It took no time for me to realise that there were changes going on at that moment that Ray did not understand. He had the cup to his mouth and, as he went to lower it, his actions stopped. Literally! This movement appeared to be in slow motion. The coffee cup, removed from his mouth, on the way down, only to find it stopped midway. I am unable to explain the reasons for these changes, it seemed unimportant to ask the doctor later exactly what had taken place. I know that I was alone with Jeremy, our 11 year old child,  and we had a situation that required action. I gave no thought to calling for assistance when I realised that Raymond was no longer able to do for himself. It seemed his body had simply 'shut down.' No discomfort of any kind. A cup of coffee only half drunk.This makes me smile now when I think about the saying that 'an optimist sees the glass as half full while the pessimist sees it as half empty.' This was neither; it simply was.

I asked for help from Jeremy and, together, we lifted Ray from the chair and carried him into our bedroom. There we lovingly placed him into bed. In hindsight, I could have made the bed with fresh linen but that thought did not enter my head at the time; I simply wanted Ray to be comfortable. Somewhere in my sub- conscious, maybe I was expecting him to make a recovery of sorts. It is a task I had never invisaged asking my youngest child to undertake. Ray was no longer able to communicate. It was something that, even to this day, I do not fully understand.

It was this day that we also lost a very close personal friend. I had worked with Val Crowe at GMAC and her husband Tony was Godfather to our firstborn son Damian. Val had succumbed very quickly to her pancreatic cancer.

I recall the phone call to my Mother in which I asked her to come to Newcastle. She replied that it would not be until Monday. Something made me say that I thought that would be too late. Thankfully, she agreed to catch the coach from Dubbo and would arrive Friday the 11th.

Mum's arrival gave me the freedom, and the peace of mind, to climb into bed beside Ray. I was content to stay there as the succession of family and friends called to pay there respects. Among the visitors was the local Parish Priest who administered the Last Rights. Our very dear friend Helen Staley arrived from Melbourne to stay with us. She was able to keep Jeremy occupied at this time with bike rides and movies. I will be forever grateful to her for her presence; it lightened a very heavy load. The time spent with friends was delightful as we recalled past memories and wonderful times. Close friends came and went throughout each day. I felt sure Ray was aware of everything that was said and it seemed only natural to tell tales that were uplifting.

There was one exception when Mum, wringing her hands, began crying and saying loudly that she had no idea how I would be able to manage on my own. At that particular time, Helen was holding Ray's hand, and she shared with me later that she felt him give it just the slightest squeeze. I could not help myself and asked Mum just what she meant by her words. Mum said that she did not believe I would be able to live without Ray and there is no way I could manage as a single parent. I whispered gently that it broke my heart to think that she did not know her own daughter.

On Sunday 13th Ray's breathing became very shallow. Lea Shelley, a Registered Nurse, called early after finishing a nightshift at the local private hospital. Lea's son Matthew had befriended Jeremy when we arrived in Warners Bay from Lakes Entrance. I had no idea that my darling Raymond was close to having a bedsore. Lea was absolutely amazing as she bathed Ray's body and anointed him with beautiful oils. I could not have done any of that on my own and, to be honest, was not aware of how beautiful it could be to experience a close friend tend to the body of the man you have loved for 27 years.

I was aware that I was living with a fearful headache. Apart from the odd breaks I had been alongside Ray constantly, leaving his side as little as possible. Each time I returned to the bed I became conscious that he was making some sort of super human effort to edge closer to me.

On Monday 14th March, 1994 I sat with Ray, Helen by my side, as we, once again, watched the sun rise in the East. Ray's breathing was now intermittent, and we spoke gently of times with the Radfords, Staleys and friends out of the Singapore office of International Harvester Company. We described the spectacular view of the rising sun as my beloved husband took his final breath at approximately 6.30am, just 4 days short of his 52nd birthday.

R U OK? Day

"R U OK? is an independent, not-for-profit organisation whose purpose is to provide national focus and leadership for ending suicide. Let's empower as many people as possible to make a difference, encourage open and honest communication and drive real connection.

Thursday 7 October is a national day of action to reduce suicide. Although it is geared around Australians, it applies the world over. Today we can make a choice to connect with people in our life and ask 'Are you OK?'

Although I feel strongly that it is not my place to discuss circumstances, I can tell you that I know first hand of the difficulties of marrying into a family that lost a wife and mother through suicide. I have found it extremely difficult to find the words, or actions to provide comfort for Haydn and his family. Haydn says very little about his first wife, but I can say that it seems feelings of guilt penetrate every fibre of his being. There is a huge part of him that has 'shut down.' Through Jeremy's memorial website I have met families from all walks of life that have lost family members to suicide. There appears to be little that can be said to comfort. I have found it works best for me to give them every opportunity to open up and talk about the person they have loved and lost. We all like to be heard.

There is much more I would like to say about the subject but today is not the day. I will resume the story at a later time. Maybe even ask permission from my stepdaughter to include just a little about what it was like to have to live with the 'Stepmother from hell.'

Today I ask you to consider those around you; reach out in support and friendship. I ask you 'Are You OK?'

All Over the Place

Like my thoughts, at times, these Posts are 'all over the place.' This comes about primarily as a result of comments to previous posts. You know how it is with someone like me. One thing leads to another and 'hello' there is another thought and, surprise, surprise, I have something to say on the subject. My children, and friends, understand this only too well.. This was exactly what happened when there was a whisper of financial hardship and another of being interested in Ray's journey into Eternal Life.

Knowing that my children have lived in another state most, or all, of their adult lives, there are many times they were completely unaware of exactly what was happening at home. The last couple of months of Ray's life were memorable. Hard to believe I know, but true! Definitely deserves a mention here.

Ray was not a catholic, and I think he was even a little concerned at the thought of approaching his Mum to tell her he had met the woman of his dreams. How would he go about explaining to her that I was a catholic? I remember the trip from Dubbo to Sydney knowing that it was time to tell her that we would be marrying in the Catholic Church. His Mum Pearl was thrilled and had no problems with anything her 'baby' did. Ray was the youngest of 5 and, till the day he died, was referred to as her 'baby.' Ray was happy for the children to receive the Sacraments and to be raised as Catholics but gave no thought to it for himself.

Then in January 1994 Ray asked for my thoughts about him converting to Catholicism. I agreed that if that was what he wanted, I would be delighted to help in any way I could. We had been attending Prayer Meetings, and were involved with the Charismatic Renewal where we both experienced the Power of the Holy Spirit working in a deeper and more meaningful way in our lives. Under the guidance of Father Tony Brady and Tina Martinelli at St. Patrick's Church Wallsend we experienced the most amazing healing. We were both looking for a miracle for Ray and, in many ways we found it, although not in the way we expected.

Ray had been receiving treatment for his cancer for many years, which consisted of immunotherapy, including adjuvant immunotherapy under the guidance of Professor Peter Hersey. There was no further treatment available and he was living 'one day at a time.' I took Ray to see Father Brady to receive instruction. After a short time, on our very first meeting, Father said that instruction would not be necessary in Raymond's case. He was a already a 'Child of God' and Father could see that there was a miracle, of sorts, happening. I remember meeting Robin, the secretary in the office at St Mary's Primary School. She was familiar with the family as Jeremy was a student, I ran a Kumon Study Centre and baked my favourite Carrot Cake recipe for her regularly. The school principal, David Carty had offered  Ray the opportunity to keep the lawns and gardens of the school mowed. In actual fact Number One Son Damian did most of the work, with assistance from Jeremy and myself, without taking anything away from Ray. He was able to feel good about the contribution he made to the family. David had a heart of gold, allowing me to run my study centre from the school free of charge, we also received payment for the lawn mowing which helped enormously at a time that we struggled financially.  Robin spoke of the joy of seeing, and touching, Ray as it gave her a feeling of having been blessed. She claimed that there was an aura surrounding him that had not been visible  previously. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I felt it was no longer a level playing field at home.

Father simply said that he thought the best time for Ray to be received into the Church would be the Healing Mass on the third Wednesday in January. There are no words to describe the presence of the Holy Spirit on that night. My Mother visiting from Dubbo and, along with my sister Toni, sat fascinated at what took place that evening. I only wish I had the words to describe the energy in the room. The mass was not held in the church. Like all Healing Masses, it was held in the school hall. It was obvious to all present that something very special took place that night; Ray was truly blessed ,just as we all were by being present.

After the mass, complete strangers embraced Ray and showered him with precious personal gifts. They will always be treasured within our family. How I wish we had a video recording of the night. Ray received personal items such as Lourdes Water and Rosary Beads that had been blessed by the Pope. The very fact that people were prepared to part with personal items spoke volumes about the affect the service had on them.

Stay tuned. My 'regular' entries do not always go according to plan as I am being greatly effected by fatigue at the moment. It appears that my metastatic lump has moved upwards and I am unsure of the most appropriate course of action. I think the next entry will be....towards the end. Oops! Meaning for Ray. Not me.

More of Mum's Letter

Following on from my Unsent Letter Post, I felt Mum would not mind my sharing more of her letter if she were still here. In fact, I believe she would feel very proud. Mother had no formal education and yet was a most articulate person; she faced hardship throughout much of her life. Dad was killed in a level crossing accident on the way to work in October 1960. My parents had only just purchased a home. Prior to that they, together with Mum's sister Pat, had run a mixed business which was sold when the first supermarket began operating in our town. The writing was on the wall so to speak, as they could not buy stock for what it was being sold for in the supermarket. Mum tells of the hardship of being widowed shortly after.

...."I just want a country where all poor people will be given enough of those worldly goods that most of us have; at least give them some pride. If a person's pride is taken away from them they have nothing. It was only too clearly spelt out to me as a widow of three weeks with five children, three dependent on me. Mrs Stevens drove me down to the police station to get a Relief Cheque for $4.10cents - converted from pounds, shillings and pence - [you had to be there between 9am to 12 noon or the cheque was sent back to the State Government] Then widows and children, poor people, such as deserted wives, had to depend on charities like The St Vincent de Paul Society or go hungry. The policeman said 'You can't keep on getting this, you should be getting a Widow's Pension IN A LOUD VOICE, and while trying to explain and fight back tears to tell him I was waiting for my pension to come through. [$12.50 a week to keep us all and no money at all except $40 Syd gave us and $200 Dick later LOANED me to pay bills as we had paid out all our money for the deposit on the house. We had loan repayments of $10 a week plus $2.30 off the refrigerator. We were left with 20cents a week, plus endowment, to keep my three children aged 4, 8 and 12. With Aunty Pats, and many kind people who brought us vegetables plus the board you and Pam paid, we got by, and if the neck of mutton stews and soup bone soup with rice got a bit monotonous, we were all able to keep our health till better times came.

Toni, I lack the ability to express myself in words but when I write it comes from the heart. Confucius once said ' From a man's mouth may come sharp arrows to wound and fiery brands to burn. Take good heed then that neither issue from your mouth to the injury of others.' Why then did God not give me the wisdom of Confucius? It is when we have time to survey the years that are past that we can look with keen critical eyes at the part we played throughout them. 'There can be no harsher court than the tribunal of self-judgement when it sits upon the errors and omissions of the years.' Not my words but written by Sir Herbert Barker in an address.

In a way, each of us gets the old age he deserves and when I write that I am not thinking of material rewards, but of those consolations that no man can steal from another. 'For just as the bee gathers honey for the winter, so too we fill the storehouse of the future with the trash and treasure of our choice, for when the heat of the day has passed, and evening has come, we shall draw upon whatever we have gathered through the years, but if all we remember is the wealth we have been able to gather, we will all be empty in the evening of our day.'

In old age beyond the minimum of needs, there is but one want the old desire and that is to be loved. 'Human love needs human meriting.' We are loved as we deserve to be loved."

My Mum died in October 2006; the following month my youngest child Jeremy was killed in a tragic motor vehicle accident. 'Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever'....Psalm 23:6 

Mum's Unsent Letter

I recently came across a blog titled 'Unsent Letters.' The concept is one that I find interesting! How often have we been told the solution to many disagreements is to put the problem in writing and then to burn the letter? Maybe there are letters that should not be sent.

The following is not one of those letters; my Mother wrote it in 1975. It was addressed to my sister Toni in response to a statement made by Toni regarding her political views. Somehow this letter found its way into my personal papers.

On 19 October 1965, as a 17 year old, I was admitted to the Mater Hospital in North Sydney where I safely delivered a beautiful baby girl. On that day I became an unmarried mother.The following is taken from Mum's letter;

..'has left a scar in my heart and mind that nothing can erase.

Ten years ago, in October this year I turned a deaf ear to a cry of "Mummy, please take us both home" and in my [as I thought] wisdom, I turned a deaf ear to that face, with tears running down both cheeks and two days later she signed away her child and my grandchild. I did not have the courage to "give it a go" as my sister Paul Mum's sister] did with Gregory, and face the barrage of ridicule that would have followed. I try to pretend that I did what I did for Cheryl's future happiness, but deep down I know that it was to preserve the facade of respectability that had been ingrained in us all. I used to condemn Paul's way of life, but now I know that she had the courage I never had. She is now rewarded by the love of a grandson whom she adores and to him "Nanny" is probably the best and most important person in the world. She is so good to him too. He is spoilt rotten, she has not got the tortured mind of wondering where her grandson is and is he happy and do the people who have him love him that I have. I can only say "God take care of the little baby and fold her in your loving arms" on 19 October each year. I can say Happy Birthday darling but she can't hear me. I only hope her new mother will tell her that her birth mother did not give her away because she did not love her but because her Grandmother "thought it best" because she was a widow and 42 years old and was afraid she might get sick and not be able to care for her until she was grown up and just lacked the courage to give it a go. It is easy to be wise after the event but as the years go by the scars get deeper and believe me Toni, the agony of a stroke of a rattan could not be worse than the scars of guilt I'll live with for the rest of my life. I now know I was wrong. How easily we could have made a second mistake 6.5 years ago when WE decided Robyn [now daughter-in-law] could do the same thing. Fortunately, against bitter opposition from my side of the family Glad and Horrie were the wise ones. They used the "right" words "It would kill Dad and me if you gave your baby away Robyn" Glad and Horrie were more fortunate, they had security and proved to be wonderful backstops. I often wonder if they look at Kylie [Garry and Robyn's first born daughter] and wonder what might have been. I thank God every day of my life for their God Given Wisdom.

Toni, there will be unmarried mothers right through civilization but thanks to Bill Hayden [Labor Politician] they are now given a chance to keep their babies in Australia because of the Unmarried Mother's Pension [A Labor Policy] Cheryl could only get $4 per week in 1965 for 6 weeks after the birth and then 50 cents per week endowment for her baby.

When I mentioned to her in Singapore that Lee [Amah] worked hard she said "Mum, I know what it is like to work from daylight till dark for nothing." That was the price paid for the sin of having a baby out of wedlock. She got nothing at all at the hospital at Nelson Bay, except to work all day and help to lay out dead bodies in return for her keep and a shelter to hide her "shame." I keep looking at the wedding ring she wore which she got from Dinny O'Brien [Pawnbroker] and I'll never take it off because it is a reminder of the saddest period of my life [not that I need the ring as a reminder.] I had the tag off the baby's wrist, but Cheryl asked me for it and also her Birth Weight Card. I know I was wrong to see the baby because her beauty made it all the harder to bear when I look at my other grandchildren, but it put the 'crown of thorns' on my head as I already had the cross on my back.

I did not refer to it on the 19th in Singapore and Cheryl said "How come" and I replied "What's the use," but that was not what was in my heart. She said "Between you and Ray I'll never be allowed to forget it." Ray always gave her flowers on 19th October. As Cheryl gets older the scars will get deeper, because that is a fact of life. I just hope she will have enough compassion not to blame me too much for the part I played, because I already have enough guilt of my own.  I've often thought about giving the money I have to Saint Anthony's Home for Unmarried Mothers because it broke my heart to go there when I tried to get Cheryl in, but perhaps my first obligation is to my family.'

Cheryl says......in 1995, after 30 years, I reunited with my daughter Carla giving my Mother the opportunity to make her peace.

You may find this Post appears again as I originally scheduled it for 2nd October @ 1012pm thinking it would show Australian time however, it appears to be 'floating' in cyber space. My apologies.

Love and peace to all.

More on Sexuality after Breast Cancer

Judging by the response to my previous post it seems I have mentioned the 'unmentionable'

Thank you for your  comments on the blog, and also to those that have chosen to email me personally. Maybe I had underestimated the degree of change in attitudes towards sexuality and sex after breast cancer diagnosis and/or treatment.

Given the level of interest, I decided to follow up on the original research. It led me to the Breast Cancer Network Australia and the results were published in the BEACON magazine. I had only to seek out my Autumn edition. If you would like to know more, simply follow the link:
http://www.bcna.org.au/news/resources/research-reports#sexuality

I have chosen to speak out on behalf of all women who have felt that for too long the problem has been hidden. Sex and sexuality is a very sensitive area and one that has a profound impact on women.

I have included a brief summary of some of the problems mentioned in the article and would be happy to cover them more fully if requested, although it is recommended that you check with your doctor, breast care nurse and/or the website mentioned. It may take courage for you to become proactive and enlist the help of sex therapists or counsellors but anything is possible.

 1.   Sexual confidence and barriers to sexuality

• physical effects such as fatigue, breast tenderness, pain and loss of sensation
• sometimes partners have trouble accepting the changes. Feelings may be different.
• partners may stop making sexual requests because they don't want to put pressure on us
• intimacy and sexuality is not just about sex.
• body image is important.
• adult products can enhance sex life.
• online forums and breast cancer support groups may be helpful
• then of course there is blogging; we are becoming 'old hands' at that

2.   An end to spontaneity
Spontaneity can become a thing of the past; it can become a major planned event. Sex can become not only unbearably painful, but virtually impossible. Treatment can put you into early menopause.

3.   Vaginal dryness: a common problem

Vaginal dryness can be a distressing side effect of some breast cancer treatments. It is one that is not often talked about and is often associated with menopause, both natural, and early, brought on by cancer treatments. Oestrogen levels drop causing the vaginal walls to become thinner and less flexible producing less lubricating fluid. Sex may become painful resulting in vaginal bleeding. There are a number of products that may be useful.

Common suggestions from women include:

• be yourself
• be honest
• sexuality is more than a woman's breasts
• ask advice from people who have been there, or health professionals
• talk about sexual needs
• take time for yourself
• do things that make you feel good about yourself

Women may find the following useful:

•  lubricants
• massage
• different positions
• oral sex
• vibrator or masturbation
• creating an environment to help 'getting in the mood'
• believe in yourself

More than 50% of women said they had not discussed with anyone the challenges they were experiencing with their sexuality or sex life. Let this be a forum for fellow bloggers to do it differently.

Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.

'Diagnosis is Killing Desire'

The following article was in the Newcastle Herald on Saturday 25 September 2010:

'An Australian study has revealed the broad and long-term impact of breast cancer, with most women reporting a major post-diagnosis blow to their sex lives.

Research by Monash University professors Susan Davis and Robin Bell found that 83 percent of the women described their sex life as good before learning they had breast cancer.

But within two years of being diagnosed, 70 percent experienced sexual function problems as a side effect of treatment, including a loss in sexual desire.'

'Self Imposed' Exile Over

Today my life changed! After 12 months of a 'self imposed' exile I DROVE MYSELF to East Maitland. Alleluia!

There were several contributing factors that saw me give up my right to share the roadway with fellow drivers. There was the tragic motor vehicle accident that took my much loved youngest son and saw him join his beloved Dad in Eternal Life. Then there was the fatigue that plagued me since the completion of radiotherapy in June 2009. Thrown into the mix was the dreadful pain, and prescribed opiates and other medications, to control it. As a result of the Metastic Breast Ca in the Brachial Plexus, I no longer had control of my dominant right arm/hand. We also upgraded our motor vehicle to a 4WD, which seemed to me to be bigger over all.

So I sat at home on the farm alone and lonely, except for the days that I attended yoga and Tai Chi. That is until today! Two beautiful friends, Sonya and Glenys, were heading this way for an appointment. They suggested it would be a perfect opportunity for us to get together for lunch. I even tried to renege on the deal last night, but, thankfully, Haydn refused to be a party to my insecurities and lack of confidence. He reminded me that my journey today was only 4 times to the village of Gresford and return. That's one way of putting things into perspective!

So, I did it! After saying a prayer to Saint Christopher, and asking the Lord to protect me and other road users, I headed off. It was a delightful day of perfect spring weather. My time spent with 2 very special friends has put me into a new place. I feel I have regained a level of independence not seen for 18 months.

'Memory' Moments

A quick follow up to yesterday's Post...

Megan phoned me today knowing that I would be super excited about some news she shared with me. I decided to ask her if she had read yesterday's Post as the information had come from her. I was surprised to learn that she had. My writing is very much for my own benefit; I do not want the family to feel pressured into reading my 'rantings.' Time for that when I am no longer around and they have unanswered questions about this person they know only as Mum or Ma.

I asked Megan if I had 'got it right?' She agreed that was pretty much what had been said. I went on to explain that 'things' were not always 'perfect' in my life and she may be surprised to learn this when reading the letters.

Her response brought tears to my eyes. She said 'Mum, I understand that you and Dad were not always perfect but your love was.

Touche sweetheart.

Something on my Mind

This afternoon I made a quick call to my daughter Megan. I am so glad I did. I had a question that needed answering, and I knew she was the one to ask.

When I met Ray in 1966 our courtship did not take the 'normal' path. I quickly realised this man was very special. We had known each other only a short while when Ray proposed. When he asked my Mother's permission she immediately said 'NO.' She accused Ray of being an alcoholic and, reminded him that I was only 18 years of age. Far too young, in her opinion. Ray was transferred to Tamworth  in the New England region of New South Wales shortly after. We missed each other dreadfully; the time apart dragged on for both of us.  The only way for us to get to know each other was by writing letters. There were no mobile phones, and public telephone boxes did not lend themselves to 'chatting' on the phone.

Consequently, I have an enormous box of hand written letters. Although I have lived in many homes over the years I have carried this box faithfully with me. I am not normally a hoarder, however there are some 'personal' things  I have treasured. Mum did agree to our marriage. I believe she got sick of Ray arriving in Dubbo from Tamworth and bringing with him a weeks washing and ironing. He continued to live the life of a bachelor, playing rugby and socialising with mates, while I did his washing and ironing, ready for him to leave first thing Monday morning. I was 19 when we married.

Ray, as Zone Manager for International Harvester Company, was on the road. Letters became the norm. Having carried the letters for over 40 years, I am now beginning to sort through personal things and nominate where they are to go. I asked Megan if she was interested in having the letters. I was a little surprised, and thrilled, by her reply. She definitely wanted these 'treasures' as she has wonderful memories of life in a family that epitomises 'perfect' love.

I must admit that, at the time of Ray's death in 1994, I reflected on my many years of marriage to this amazing man and I realised that I had enjoyed 27 years of unconditional love. Who could ask for more?

Megan, thank you for this beautiful compliment. I am so glad that we  were able to provide a loving, secure environment for your growth, leaving you with wonderful memories.