Monday, October 25, 2010

Wondering What to do Now

I cannot help but wonder what is going on in this 62 year old body of mine. It will be four years next month since Jeremy's accident; Haydn did not expect me to see the first year out. Why would he say that? There is no doubt that he knew, better than most, the affect on me of the loss of my youngest child. The pain was simply 'different' because he was my youngest not 'better' or 'worse' than for any of my beloved children. Jeremy had not chosen a life partner, unlike Damian, Megan and Carla. He was 'my baby' just as Ray was to his Mum.

So, there is no doubt in my mind that stress was a contributing factor in my breast cancer recurrence, leading to metastatic infiltration of the right thoracic nerve outlet. Was my pain not great enough? I believed my Radiation Oncologist when he told me that the radiation would relieve the pain, and 'cure' the cancer, whatever that means. And it did! But only for one month. I have no idea why it was not longer. I did find the side affects from Arimidex unbearable and was relieved to be told to stop taking it. Within a few days the pain returned; I have written about that and that is not really what this post is about. Actually, I do not know what this post is about. It is simply my confused mind!

I had previously booked tickets on a flight to Melbourne, and then felt the need to cancel. Haydn and I were to visit my family. Both Damian and Megan live in Victoria and I see them far too infrequently. I was looking forward to spending time with them. When Dr Sales referred me for another Doppler, due to his concerns about the extent of the blood clot in my right arm and neck, I realised that I would be putting myself at risk. I was also trying to deal with the feelings of lethargy and general malaise which, according to is a non-specific symptom associated with nearly all infectious, metabolic or systemic diseases. Depending on the disease, malaise can develop quickly or slowly. I have no idea if my problems are due to my cancer, or the medications that keep me relatively pain free and, more importantly, alive. Or, so I am led to believe!

I know that my problems are not helped by my restrictions with food preparation. I rely on Haydn to help me in the kitchen. And then there is the banana toffee loaf that Haydn's daughter Alex makes for me ,and the delicious sticky date cookies that we purchase at Coles when we do our weekly shopping.

So, on one hand, I am exercising, meditating and eating relatively healthy, albeit simple food while, on the other, I console myself with a piece of cake, or a cookie as I drink my herbal teas.


Anonymous said...

The yin and the yang of food! Healthy and nutritious alongside the not so healthy and nutritious. I think that balance is indeed important in all aspects of our lives, and that we need to sometimes indulge in those things that we otherwise might reject.

Chez, you write so beautifully. When I read your posts, I always feel as if I am sitting in your living room with you enjoying a cup of tea and a spot of conversation.

Be well, my lovely friend.

Futomara said...

Your post brings so much to mind. I have endured much loss in my life. So your recollection makes me recollect. I have endured pain and suffering. I am reminded that pain is all in the head. I am reminded of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism.

I feel the need to say something profound, something consoling. Yet, I am also content at just saying the few words that I do and letting you know, you are in my thoughts, half a world away in California.

Alli said...

Dearest Cheryl
sometimes I think we complicate our lives by over thinking trying to find out if 2+2 really = 4 If there a corelation between birth dates and death, why does it happen and not to others. My grandmother died in her birth month. My mother died not even a year after my grandmother. Are these a coincidence? Is there a greater plan that we don't know about? Who knows I would like to think that when my turn comes whatever the month it will that I will have Brad Pitt greeting me on the other side like he did with Anthony Hopkins in the movie "Meet Joe Black"! Think about them say a prayer but don't worry about things that are all by standards "Mere coincidences" Remembering them on theses days say a lot.

As for the food, hmmm Cheryl here I was had a good balanced dinner and what did I do? I had a couiple of Halloween Chocolate Bars I bought to give to kiddies on the weekend hahaha The good thing is Thank goodness we don't have to pretend we are perfect!!

Love Alli XOXO

Cheryl said...

Futomara, thank you for your thoughtful comment and for leading me in search of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism. I cannot claim to understand the meaning at this time however, my education will continue.
I am sorry that you have experienced loss in your life also. I am doing my best to get it right this time around. I am definitely not coming back to go through it again.
Nice to know I am being thought of from sunny California; reminds me of the caricature of Arnie from your latest post. Loved it!

Carole said...


You are also being thought about in grey, wet London UK...

Eat healthy foods by all means - but we also need some balance, therefore a nice slice of cake or a cookie with your herbal tea seems perfectly acceptable to me.

None of us is perfect :-)

Sending hugs for your pain Chez xxx

artistdeb said...

Thinking of you. I know it's so hard when in pain - emotional and physical to think about non other as I have been there as well. Do yourself a favor and enjoy a trip or two down memory lane of the good times. Do whatever it takes to raise your spirit. Cookies and tea and a funny movie might be a start. Here's a (HUG) from me.

Kaz said...

Chez,I do understand why H would say that as you know i know what it is to lose a child but you to have to go thru this ontop of it i am sending you big gentle hugs always and someday would love to sit for tea and snack..You are amazing my friend for all you endure and your writing about your life tells me always there is always someone going thru more and maybe not written the way i wanted it but Chez u know my writing..

Love you gorgeous lady.xo

Unknown said...

Good Morning Cheryl,
Audrey said it so well and just as I feel too my friend...reading your writing feels as if I'm actually there with you! You captivate the attention and share so beautifully!
In my mind I see that you have absolutely put the best foot forward and done exactly as you should Cheryl. You have been so strong and dealt with your disease with head on resistance to what your body was dishing out!! All I can say at this point is continue as you have done and I know it is in your best interest the choices you make! I believe there is a power that is leading you in the direction that is your path to take with knowledge that is not obtained easily! Cyber Hugs from NC and Love to you dear Aussie friend! You are Amazing!!!