Saturday, October 23, 2010

Another Day of Mourning

Today, 23 October 2010 marks the fourth anniversary of the passing of my mother Valerie Ellen Townsend; it is also the month in which she was born. I wonder as I write this if others have connected dates as I do with births and deaths?

There is certainly a tinge of sadness as I reflect on my upbringing. What was it in Mum's life that allowed her to dwell on negativity as she overlooked the intrinsic goodness of life? Although family members had visited frequently for some months prior to her passing, and I had been there just the day before, it was not until later that I mentioned to my sister Toni  I found it odd that Mother had not mentioned that she loved me and yet she managed to tell my ex-husband Haydn. By the same token, I realised that I had not declared my love for Mum. Quite frankly, I think I feared rejection. Toni then told me that her experience was the same, although Mum found it in her heart to tell Brian - Toni's husband. Interesting! I then asked my other three siblings to share their experience. I soon learned that at least Mum did not discriminate. She died without telling any of her children how she felt. Love me, love me not, love me, love me not...

I remember a discussion in which I virtually accused Mum of not wanting me. Her reply still echoes in my ears ' I did not want any of you!' Odd sentiments for the mother of five children! Did Mum feel like that always, or was it just that point in time? Does it really matter now? Although we were raised in what appeared, at times, to be a loveless household, I have just found a card from Mum. It was sent in early 2006 and I suspect Mum knew then that there was something happening within her body. She told me that she loved me. Alleluia! She said she loved all of us declaring that she had not been one to tell us. Were we supposed to read her mind and to know from everything she did?  Being somewhat perceptive I felt she did things out of duty.

So why do I still live with, and 'hang out' with my ex-husband Haydn when I tell him, on occasions, that living with him is like living with my mother? Even he recognised that Mum carried out her responsibilities as a matter of duty. Or so it seemed. Maybe somewhere within me I see this as an opportunity to allow Haydn to see that there is another way.

I do know that there is not a single day that I do not think about my Spirit Child Jeremy, and the wonderful gift he has given me. Between he and his beloved Dad he taught me about unconditional love; something I will carry with me always. I recall my oncology social worker pointing out that she thought Jeremy had allowed me the freedom to be the person I most enjoyed being. I knew immediately that thought resonated with me. To be accepted and loved unconditionally is a true blessing.

So maybe in another post I will explore what love means to me. To finish this particular post I will simply say 'I love you Mum. I so wish I had been able to do it better.' The following is from:
Thought for

Like a Star

At the end of the day, on the wings of your thoughts, go beyond the cares and troubles of the world. Remove your mind from everywhere and everyone, and become blissfully detached, like a star.
Like a star, be free to radiate light, for your essence is light and peace. Enjoy the simplicity of the night sky, the peace. And then, when you want to, you can shoot down to earth.


Anonymous said...

You know Chez, my Mom is also a woman who does not verbalize her love for her children or grandchildren, and I also used to wonder if she really did love us. She was always very good and kind to us, but she never said the words that we all long to hear. I think that it wasn't until I became ill that she actually told me that she loved me. And the words are somehow healing, when you hear them. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that they are "strengthening." Funny how 3 small words can impact us so strongly.
I am thrilled that you found the card from your Mom. I don't believe in coincidences - I believe that things happen when and how they are supposed to. You finding the card has provided some documented proof that she really did love you, just maybe didn't know how to demonstrate it properly.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Diane Rodgers said...

Hi Cheryl,
What a beautiful touching blog you have written today for your Mum and for yourself. Getting it all out as you felt then and how you feel now...Being a Mom....ourselves...we all do the best that we know how and pray for our children to know how much they are loved and treasured. We are all different in expressing our love....My Mom recently said to me that I was the MOOSHY one....hahaha....yep....that would be me....the sensitive emotional one always carrying my feelings on my sleeve...My sister, Linda ... Mom said to her... you are the STRONG one right once again ... Linda is much like our Mom....some think not as loving or caring but it goes way deeper than that. The STRONG ones carry the same emotions we do ....they have a gift to be able to face things with courage and set aside their emotions for a need inside of be and to do what it takes to face situations in life ...Yes...saying the words "I love you" is important ... but as we look back sometimes we can see the bigger picture and we can know how much we really were loved and always will be.
I love you Cheryl....I thank the Lord I have always been able to say how I feel...

Anonymous said...

Chez thanks for sharing as it brings up thoughts for us all..I had good parents and my dad never said those words but i knew he loved his 6 kids and my mom also and tell u the truth after losing my daughter in 2006 can't remember my mom saying those words,but almost sure she did. we say them alot now.lost my Dad in 1991 and he show his love without the words and am wondering if that was the age era?
So sorry uu had to lose your Mum a month before your beloved son Jezz,my heart will always be with you as you have been thru so much,so much more then me and you still are so strong and the heart i know hurts so much..But with your writing it heals and gives us your readers a learning and a healing and special feeling to share your life..

Love the stars..
Chez xoxo my friend.

Anonymous said...

Chez not sure what it didn't let me leave my posted before i finishes...Hmmmm..signs maybe..

xoxo Kaz

diane said...

Some people are like that, just not demonstrative. I don't remember either my Mum or Dad saying the words but I was never in doubt that they loved me.

Starry said...

some people are like that, you need to play detective to find any sign that they might have any positive feelings towards you. These people they just aren't as strong as they make out. Thank goodness there are people like you and your precious Ray and Jezz who give people the freedom to love and be loved.
Bask in the love Chez, and don't exclude the self love!

Nancy said...

This post resonated with me because I blog about losing my mom as well as about my cancer. My mom did say the words "I love you" easily, but my father, that's another story. Even now he never asks me about my cancer or how I am feeling. I guess he just can't. It's hard when we want more. Glad you found that card.

Chez said...

Nancy it seems to have been such a common thing in the previous generation. I certainly like people to acknowledge my struggles however, our parents appear to have a real 'fear' of losing a child in their life time. I have many friends that know what that is like.
Wishing you well in your struggles