Thursday, December 30, 2010

Frustrations and Life on the Farm

'Consult not your fears but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what is still possible for you to do.' Pope John XXlll

Knowing that 1 January 2011 brings with it an opportunity for change, I cannot help but reflect on life as it is today. It seems only natural to  recognise that unaddressed anger is a real possibly. It is one feeling that I have always had difficulty with. As I endeavour to write from a positive perspective in order to lift myself and inspire others, I know it is time to be honest with myself.  I am sure that deep seated anger does, in some way, contribute to my breast cancer!

As my struggle with peripheral neuropathy in the lower extremities increases, and the degree of pain, including nerve and muscle damage, develops in my right hand, I have become increasingly frustrated with my inability to manage daily household chores. The isolation of rural living, medication and chronic pain all contribute to depression which, in turn, leads to lack of motivation. I now acknowledge that Femara is instrumental in causing the fatigue that makes life almost unbearable at times. I sometimes omit to take it and within 24 hours my sleep requirements become somewhat normal.

The garden has become overgrown; pests are becoming a problem. Mealy bug, borers and scale are currently causing serious damage. Haydn is a great one for spraying Round Up to control the native couch. Fortunately, we have now learned that glysophate locks up trace elements and we have been able to add it, along with organic matter, to improve the soil. Haydn loves the tractor and works tirelessly on pasture improvement but is not interested in maintaining our shrubs. As a result, they are becoming overgrown. The bush garden in memory of Jeremy has never been finished.

I am wondering if the time will come that I am once again able to drive myself? If not, then it seems fair to say that life at the farm will be unbearable. It has become very difficult for me to think positively and act accordingly as one day stretches into another.

Rather than focus on lack of/problems I intend to see the New Year as a way of making changes to improve my quality of life.

Have I recogised my Frustrations and how do I act on overcoming them?
What are my Hopes and my Dreams?
How do I go about reaching my Potential?



20 comments:

Kaz said...

Chez glad you are writing on how you really feel,you can not help everyone all the time you need to take care of you.We know life isn't perfect,would be nice if it was.I so pray you coulkd have your health back or at least where you could still enjoy your life.Chezzy wish i live closer would drive you and help you in many ways.But i know there are ways none of can help just walk with you.Try to call u yesterday my time,will try today if Payten will be good and allow me to.lol.

Love,Kaz.xoxo

stonepost said...

Chez, I wish I knew of a five point
program with easy steps to recovery. My neuropathy, especially in my right hand is pretty bad also. I think of mysef as Dr. House when I pop my vicodin.
Truth is if I had to choose I would keep my rabbit fur gloves. I wear them 20 hours a day. If my hands get too much stimulas on one day then they are a lot worse the next. As for the garden, think of it as a bug farm for now. I do love mine but let it go for the year. It will wait. Now, seriously, find some comedies to watch. Join netflex or whatever and make it a point to watch one a day, every day!!! I can not emphasize enough how important laughter is. I always thought that if the cancer was going to kill me I would go down laughing! Take me and you die too! Cancer is bad, it is not smart. You are! If I were closer I would make you laugh.

Sami said...

I agree with stonepost! Try to find something, aaanything, positive in your days. As you know from my recent posts this months, it's not always the easiest thing to do... but it makes a difference if you can. Although you can't do the things that once made you happen right now, it's crucial to find new things that can fill that void. I know you will figure it out. Thinking of you & hoping 2011 is a great one for us all xoxo

nancyspoint said...

Chez, I always look forward to the wise quotes you find to include in your posts. I'm sorry you so often feel depressed. I believe your feelings are valid ones. Do you ever try to state them out loud? All of them, the bad and the good. Sometimes that helps. Start with the negative and then say or write down something you still enjoy doing, something positive. Try to concentrate on your potential as you said yourself. I don't think you realize how much your writing helps others. That's pretty big in itself! Anyway, hope the new year brings improved health for all of us. Also, I agree with WhiteStone about laughter. Do you have a favorite comedy tv show or movie? Sorry I got to rambling a bit here.

Diane Rodgers said...

Hi Cheryl,

I have been thinking how to respond to this post for some time now....I am trying to put myself in your place...remembering how you spoke to me a few weeks ago...with the love and the voice of an angel!

Looking at my anger from what had happened in my life recently and telling me to look at the situation in a different and loving way. I so needed that love that poured from your heart to mine...it is the way to healing and moving forward.

Your anger must be dealt with also, my dearest friend....The people who surround us... they are all doing their best ... in their eyes anyhow.. We must all learn to "LET GO AND LET GOD" ... trusting Him to show us the way in our individual lives with our own set of issues.

Be still...and listen...be watchful..and you will find your way... and the changes you need to make....or not...

Love you Cheryl, as always,
so thankful you were put into my life...

Di
xox

Beth L. Gainer said...

Chez,

You have every right to be angry. It's a normal part of grieving the temporary or permanent ability to go about your life as normal....if there is such a thing as normal.

What makes it worse is when people say, "Think positively." I found it infuriating.

I love your posting. Keep sharing! I hope this New Year will find your health improved.

Maundering mutterer said...

You continue to be inspiring: I wish you success in your plan for the New Year. There's no point in denying one's pain and frustration - it doesn't make you less to do so. Don't drive yourself too hard though. May you turn 2011 into a good year despite the odds you face.

Chez said...

Kaz I am taking care of 'me.' Just a bit of an emotional roller coaster at the moment. Thanks for caring my friend.
May 2011 see us continue our friendship and good health and happiness be our stars. Love Chez xo

Chez said...

StonePost I know you would have me snorting as I laughed until I peed. Can tell by the way you write on my posts.
Wish I had it in me to see this place as a bug farm. Do you think that the situation is made worse for me because I know there is NO REMISSION! This is the way it is!
I am not LIVING MY DREAM. Problem is, I am unsure as to how to go about making the necessary changes.
Writing is good therapy and is also my thinking so I know I will 'get there' although time is running out.
Is there any chance your neuropathy will improve? It can be a bit tricky. I know!
Looking forward to a continuatipn of our friendship in 2011...Chez

Chez said...

Sami, thanks for your vote of confidence. I know I will manage to get on top of the situation although I am afraid and that is a feeling that is new to me. I struggle to accept that I am no longer self reliant.
Thanks for coming into my life and I look forward to following your success' in 2011

Chez said...

Nancy I am so glad you appreciate the quotes. They have always been a big thing for me with lighting candles for our loved ones on the memory-of sites.
I have always kept a journal and find myself 'robbed' of that activity with the loss of the use of my right hand. My digital recorder is just not the same. Actually, I think I have more anger than I realised. I do know I will find a way to overcome it. Thank you for your contribution and the strength that I gain from sharing the journey.
May you prosper in 2011. Love Chez xo

Chez said...

Di thank you so much for the reminder that I am not living by my own set of values. There arer several ways of expressing my needs 'Be still and and know that I am God'' and 'Let go and let God' are two that come to mind.
I am so very grateful that we are together to share the journey. We know that a problem shared is a problem halved.
I will sit quietly and listen, secure in the knowledge that everything is just as it should be.
Thank you for being an enlightening companion my friend. You are well able to comfort me in times of need. May we both allow our LOVE to shine brightly in 2011. Love Chez xo

Chez said...

Thanks Beth. I will certainly be working towards the changes that will lift me up and out of this ditch.
Looking forward to the opportunity for personal growth in 2011. May we both allow our lights to shine brightly.

Chez said...

Mm my thanks for your acknowledgement of my current situation. It is very important to me! I also apptreciate your comment regarding inspiration. It is sad that my family are away and know very little about my struggles. They simply find it a little too difficult having watched one parent lose his battle. This record is for them. I try to keep it honest.
Thanks for being there with me at the end of 2010 and I look forward to a continuation and sharing of our journey in 2011

diane b said...

I can understand your anger and frustration. I really hope you can find a way through the situation.

Sean said...

Perhaps 2011 is a time for reassessment. I very much liked Stonepost's view. The garden could be a bug farm...teaming with life! You cannot change some external forces in your life. When playing poker,no amount of anger changes the cards you've just been dealt. Dreams can change Cheryl, and one needs not feel betrayal or a sense of nonachievment if they do.
I know life is more than just philosophizing...it's also about doing. I know also that I do not live with your physical pain and restrictions, making it much harder to remain positive. I do firmly believe though, that there will be signs and opportunities for you to make peace with your circumstances...some internal, some external. I wish I had a way of giving you the help you so readily give others Cheryl. Kim and I love you, we pray for you and we hurt when you hurt. So let us all enter this new year with hope...the engine that drives us. Just a generic hope that we will get what we truly need, and give us the insight to see it and obtain peace. Bless you precious Cheryl.

BreastCancerSisterhood.com said...

Chez, It seems as though both of us are facing more of life's tough choices and challenges. This evening, as I'm writing tomorrow's blog about the death of my beloved James, I am finding comfort in the Bible and that James was right with God.

James didn't fear death, but he wanted an honorable death. Perhaps that was the Comanche Indian in him, but he died quickly, on the land he loved.He would have said it was a "good death."

My heart breaks for you, your sense of loss of Damian and all of your physical limitations. Despite our losses, we shouldn't stop living and believing in life, and we must cling to "hope."

Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

I pray we both have a New Year filled with hope.
All my love,
Brenda

Chez said...

Diane B as this one has been brewing for awhile, 2011 is the time for a resolution. I will certainly be doing my best.

Chez said...

Sean, how I would love to book a flight and come to Canada for counselling. I have always found myself heartened by your choice of words and analogies.
We are in the midst of an electrical storm so I will write more at some time later my friend.
My thanks to you and Kim for your presence in my life.

mandy said...

Don't say you're not important,

It simply isn't true,

The fact that you were born,

Is proof, God has a plan for you.

The path may seem unclear right now,

But one day you will see,

That all that came before,

Was truly meant to be,

God wrote the book that is Life,

That's all you need to know.

Each day that you are living,

Was written long ago.

God only writes best sellers,

So be proud of who you are,

Your character is important,

In this book, you are the 'Star'