A Reflective Moment

'Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend' – Melody Beattie

This morning I was rushing to check my Inbox feeling certain that Haydn's patience would soon run out; we were due to leave home about 7.30am. On opening a message from a very sweet friend in the USA I was surprised to learn that she had chosen this day to check the latest entry from my friend 'Starry' at  Easy Giving 101. Being her first visit to the site, was it a coincidence that my name had been mentioned in the Post? My American friend appears to have read into the lines that I am going to die sooner rather than later.  She naturally showed heartfelt concern. Of course I felt my heart begin to pound, wondering if Starry had had one of her 'insights.' I could not contain myself, or my pulse rate, as I hastened to get over to Easy Giving 101. Starry's Post is on the subject of acceptance and I certainly hope you will take the time to read her carefully chosen, articulate thoughts on her ability to accept MY JOURNEY. There is also a little on Starry's thoughts in a previous Post The Week That Was.

As it is now past my bedtime, I will leave you with some 'homework' should you choose to read Starry's Post. I believe this is a very important subject and I look forward to further discourse.

Take the time to enjoy the season and feel the joy in each new experience.

Shh! Don't Talk

‘Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him when he falleth; for he has not another to help him up.’ – Bible: Ecclesiastes
Yesterday I suggested to Haydn that I would be looking to make plans to move next year. As you know, I struggle with the isolation and loss of independance. My cancer has robbed me of that!  As only Hayd could, he said  'Where would you go? Who would look after you, nobody wants you?' Good one Hayd! Fighting back tears, I said little except that the decision would be mine. And mine alone! I live with the belief that 'things work out best for people who make the best of the way things work out.'

The past couple of days have been particularly difficult. There have been many tears shed, and much swearing, particularly when I found myself unable to throw the sheets over the line. I now have limited range of movement in my right arm and shoulder. My pain meds have been reduced in the hope that the chronic fatigue will miraculously disappear however, I am adjusting to increased sensations in the inflamed nerve endings.

 I have taken the following lines from  Paul who opened my eyes with his posting of Desiderata....
'But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.' 
It seems, at times, the fatigue and loneliness is 'playing with my mind.'

This afternoon Haydn arrived home with his 'Shh! Don't say a thing! Just listen to what I have to say.' He proceeded to tell me that he thinks it would be a good idea to buy a caravan. Last year we purchased a new Mitsubishi Pajero 4WD with that in mind. I think it was my decision that it was all too hard; my pain had returned with a vengeance and I was not in a good place. The thought of being organised enough to pack and unpack a van seemed like hard work. As the owner of industrial sheds in Newcastle, there is always work to be done; Haydn likes to be busy. We would be able to take the van down and stay for a few days, allowing Haydn to work on the sheds and me to receive much needed therapy for my lymphoedema etc. Of course, there would also be the opportunity for socialising. Haydn feels we could take the van across to the coast and spend time. I am a little uncertain as Hayd is a 'worker' and finds it very difficult to relax. He does not enjoy being a 'tourist' so it would mean changes. The big PLUS for me is that we would be able to visit my children. God willing. Yeah!

The Week That Was....

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”....Kahlil Gibran

Having felt that I successfully survived 'Spirit Child' Jeremy's Birthday on the 16th, followed by his Angel Date on 21st, I was totally unprepared to find everything come crashing down around me.

So what happened?

Maybe it had something to do with an email from my very special friend Starry. I think, from memory, that I was the first person to leave a comment on her new blog when she commenced blogging all those years ago over at Bigpond. It quickly became apparent that we shared something very special. The words of her email have touched me deeply; there is no better place to share, and invite your welcome comments.

.....'I've just been really absorbing all your blog posts I've missed even the ones in between times I've commented. You have been sharing so prolifically I wanted to give you my full attention. Your life shouldn't be something I just squeeze into a spare few minutes here and there, after all I find you a completely fascinating and inspirational person.

 I think I might also have been delaying reading as I sensed you might be trying to tell me you are going to move on soon and that I might have to acknowledge that to you... though I don't want to assume too much since as you say you are still alive, and you might not be quite ready to go yet. So how do I tell you what I think or feel? You have to know that I simply accept you. I totally respect you. I'd love it if you stayed forever, but I will never ask you to suffer more. I accept your journey and I accept the journey of our friendship and this acceptance is one of the most enriching experiences of my life. Jezz will tell you, I'm scrappy, I'm a fighter, but I'm learning from you how to be that and still have grace and dignity, you're a great role model for me Chez.'

Knowing that January is close, and I am fascinated by family members that have been born in the month of their passing into Eternal Life, it has always seemed natural to believe that would be the case with myself. Well! I thought that I was ready. But maybe not....

I believe that we are given situations in life that allow our own spirits to grow. The more our souls gain from our life's experiences, the closer we become to God. My choice is to become more 'God like'

The messages that I am receiving are slightly ambiguous. Yes! It would be easy to 'give in' to my illness. It seems I have been 'doing battle' to stay alive for so long however, I am not yet ready for it to end. I do believe that my life's purpose has not yet been achieved. So..thank you sweet Starry for the carefully chosen, and thoughtful content, of your email. I am planning on staying around, God willing, no matter how great the hardship.

Last night I watched as Altiyan Childs took out the finals of X Factor Australia. His version of 'Somewhere in the World' speaks volumes to me as I negotiate this journey of life. It has been tears, tears and more healing tears for me today. 

'Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.'

Kahlil Gibran

To the Point!

Thank you for your comments which mean so much to me. Recently I have dropped behind with my replies and, God willing, I will manage to get caught up. Please don't hold your breath, just in case! I can promise I will do my best.

The popular conception of therapy usually goes something along the lines of client, couch and therapist, coupled with a notepad and talk. Yesterday went well! Jeremy's birthday passed smoothly! Many candles were lit on his Memory-of site and I received countless personal messages, giving me a sense of being personally blessed.  This led me to Google 'Group Therapy.' According to Georgetown University Counseling and Psychiatric services, Group Therapy is a powerful venue for growth and change.The isolation of farm life, along with a degree of disability, gives me more time to think than I would like. Definitely, time to grow and time to change! Therefore, being part of a group allows me to connect with others in a similar situation. Although the circumstances of my breast cancer recurrence appear to be somewhat unique, the blogging community provides a safe forum, along with emotional support, in my daily battle. Social Networking also gives me access to a large diverse group of individuals offering warmth and providing support. This is the perfect forum to say a huge 'Thank You.'

Dr Sales yesterday checked both the rash on my eyelid and the mark on my jaw line. Thankfully, neither is cause for concern. The rash is a scratch that has become slightly infected while the spot is a skin cancer but...NOT A MELANOMA! I have always used Curaderm for Basal Cell Carcinoma treatment so will probably do the same with this one. He was however, concerned about my current level of  fatigue, as well as the results from the Doppler ultrasound, which showed a complete obstruction of the subclavian and axillary veins indicating extensive post treatment changes within the soft tissue of the right axilla.

I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist on Friday. Dr Sales has suggested I may need further testing. I am normally reluctant to undergo testing unless the symptoms suggest there is some sort of activity. I feel testing is essential at this stage, in spite of my belief that testing increases risks.. The problem could be radiation damage, tumour growth or very extensive blood clotting. Whatever it is, it is a cause for concern.

The one thing I have noticed is that when I feel well in myself I worry less about outcomes. I let my body be the barometer of the soul. As I have been feeling 'out of sorts' as well as fatigued I am 'looking for trouble.' Not a good thing!

On a lighter note, today I had a manicure and pedicure done. Not being able to do my own has become a nightmare. The nails on my right hand often look like 'claws.' I have only just located Tracey, offering a mobile service. In spite of giving explicit instructions about care being taken with cuticles etc I have been left with red, inflamed toes. I think rather than 'pushing' the cuticles back, they were 'shoved.' As you can imagine, I have been applying Tea Tree Oil all afternoon in the hope of reducing the risk of infection. Drat! There has to be a better way!

‘We cannot tell the exact moment a friendship is formed; as in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one that makes the heart run over’. Author unknown

Oh No! Could it be Another Melanoma?

The week has not started well with this wretched fatigue being an ongoing problem. My morning Tai Chi class, normally uplifting, was tiring for some reason so I found my way to the sofa as soon as I arrived home. This afternoon, after checking the garden and spreading some fertiliser in anticipation of the rain, the fatigue got the better of me and I curled up on the lounge. There was no  sense of feeling refreshed when I surfaced. Not a good sign!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my regular General Practitioner, Doctor Milton Sales. The date is 16 November, which is also the birth date of my 'Spirit Child' Jeremy. The appointment will be slightly different to my 'normal' appointments which have come to be about prescriptions for medications and blood tests for INR levels. Being  on Warfarin for the blood clot means regular testing as many have discovered.

I have not had results for the Doppler ultrasound on the blood clot so that will be a priority considering the sonographer did not appear able to find either veins or clots! I now have a rash that is beginning to spread across the eyelid of my left eye. Having a problem on the left side is certainly different! Until now, everything that does go wrong is on the right side of my body. Yesterday, with the sun shining through the en suite windows giving better light, I checked the rash on my eye. That done I looked at the area on my jaw bone to see if the rash had spread further; there was an itchy spot which was annoying me. I was amazed to find a spot that does resemble something like a melanoma. I self diagnosed my own in 1996 having spent many years in melanoma clinics with my late husband. His Death Certificate gives cause of death as melanoma. As you can imagine, I am a little shocked. Actually, that is an understatement!! You would know from my writing that I believe it is not what is given to us that is important, rather what we do with what is given to us that teaches.... I really feel like I could do with a break about now. Then again, it may not be as bad as I think.

There has not been a lot of proof reading for this post as I simply wished to put my thoughts on paper before going to bed for m,ore sleep.

'Time does not always HEAL: it just breathes and swallows memories like the seasons change – sending showers; beating flowers into the mud. And nothing is forever in this place. Nothing but the way my heart fits in your hands; the held breath of HOPE'…author unknown

Our Aussie Spring Garden

Using the camera has become more difficult due to this 'dyslexic' right arm/hand. Taking these pictures led to tears of frustration when I found myself no longer able to use any of the fingers of the right hand. Lots of strengthening exercises and I later managed to snap a few. Hand is no longer steady. I am grateful for the technology that allows me to work even at the 'entry' level. The parrots love the front railing.

 An Australian male King Parrot feeding the babe

 Male Australian King Parrots are the only Australian Parrot with a completely red head. This is 'Percival' our 'regular' enjoying the sunflower seeds.

 Allamanda Cherry Ripe which, when in full bloom is a spectacular climber suitable for pots and tubs

 Grevillea Peaches and Cream

 Grevillea Peaches and Cream close-up

 Kangaroo Paw under the front stairs

 Native Hibiscus

 Swamp Hibiscus

 Water Iris

 Yellow Clivia

 Cream Grevillea Banksii

 Weigela, with its arching branches producing pink flowers is not native to Australia

 A Chinese Lantern bought for $1 as a 'stick' when we visited Victoria for the butterfly release

 Another Variegated Chinese Lantern which absolutely thrives in our garden

 A weeping form of Callistemon (Bottle Brush)

Our view

Who Am I?

If I am not my Breast Cancer and I am not my Grief then 'Who am I?'

Why is is that I am feeling that I have little in my life other than my cancer and my grief. Having mentioned the word 'coincidence' several times lately I have come to realise there is a 'pattern' to my life of late. It is not just a coincidence that I am in this place. It probably began at the time of my marriage to Haydn. In 1996 we returned from our honeymoon. On the way home I began to question  myself, asking if I had made a mistake?  Haydn and I were 'soul mates' during our courtship. Or so it seemed!  Haydn's daughter Claire now says I was 'duped.' The person that courted me was not the father she knew or the man I married. Anyway, that aside, I suspect I suffered from depression in the early days and was very grateful that I found the strength to leave. I felt I had reclaimed my life.

My Breast Cancer diagnosis in March 2003 had little effect on my day to day activities and it was enough for Haydn and I to resume our life together. I had a melanoma removed in 1996 and considered myself blessed to have been referred to a surgeon that believed anything resembling a melanoma should be removed fully rather than biopsied. The world was my oyster. I was never going to see my son an orphan. I felt well and optimistic.

At the time of Jeremy's accident in November 2006 Claire was preparing to depart for New York. Haydn sold the family home as it was our intention to retire in June 2007 and move to a new home at the farm. It was to be a 'new beginning' for us. Haydn's business partner put a stop to the Company trading account that June, being the end of our Financial Year. We ended up preparing for a court battle, as well as living in a site shed at the factory for as long as it took to wind things up. That turned out to be 18 months. I suspect the 'rot' began to sink in about that time. Friends that I had known for years appeared not to be able to handle my loss. I began to withdraw and preferred to be alone at the shopping centres where I could simply drink coffee and watch the world go by. There were less tears that way!

I realise that life with Haydn can be difficult due to his antisocial behaviour. He can be intolerant! He has more than enough good points to compensate. That was not a problem when I was well and we lived in town. I simply lived my own life allowing him to do the same. I loved my role in the Charismatic Renewal as well as my study to become a team member at the Newcastle Healing Rooms. It pleased me to have the opportunity to undertake the preparation to be a Prayer Counsellor. As long as I had a vehicle and a telephone I felt free! And then, of course, I was preparing to  become a Funeral Celebrant.

'Is freedom a state of mind?' I am confused! I am lost! Today, I received a note from Brenda which touched me so deeply that I sat began to sob.

'If only I could understand the reason for my crying. If only I could stop this fear of dreaming that I'm dying' - Laura Palmer

Several times I have skirted around the situation with life as it is today. Yesterday I commented to Haydn that I do not like the person I have become. I even admitted to feeling resentment towards him, meaning that I see him living his dream while I feel 'trapped.' When he told me that his late wife Leigh had said the same thing warning bells rang in my ears.

For more than 2 years I have lived with the pain and uncertainty of life. That is doable! Today I realised that the love in my heart has been replaced by fear. Living with the uncertainty of my condition is bearable. I have come to the conclusion that I  am not ready to die. This has come as a complete shock. I had believed that the date was written in the Book of Life. My role in life no more than simply 'being.' It may be nothing more than to be of service to others that will give me a feeling of contentment:

'Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy'....Lao Tzu

Since beginning this blog I have used my writing as a tool to keep me strong. And positive! Although it may seem that all is well in my little world, in reality I am afraid.  I have recently used ideas from Brenda's Blog to resurrect tools acquired over many years to reclaim my life in the belief that I will return to a healthy state of mind allowing the fear in my heart to be replaced with love once more. For those interested in what Brenda had to say, the words that allowed the flood gates to open -

'Cheryl My Darling, You haven't given up on any front!! You've had so much loss to deal with plus your own cancer. I think you've done an exceptional job at surviving mentally, physically and emotionally. Yes, there are aspects of your life you wish were different, but you're taking back your power and making changes that will benefit you and Haydn. I'm so proud of you for putting more of an emphasis on yourself. The hypnosis tapes, meditating, prayer, will all help you get centered so you can move forward and make better decisions from a place of calm. Bravo! You don't have to fix everything, today, but embrace those small changes and tweak them in for the maximum benefit. I'm proud of you! You've got grit, girl! XOXOXO, Brenda'

Time to 'Do it Your Way' Jezz

Although there was much to be done, the arrangements were being left to my inestimable family. Damian (always the 'rock' of the family) and Tyneal had the experience. Megan, in charge of music, was determined to make it a celebration to be remembered, just as Jezz would have wanted. When she suggested the venue should accommodate between 200 to 300 people, I questioned her. After all, Jeremy had only returned to live in Victoria more than 12 months after my Breast Ca diagnosis in 2003. Megs said 'Ma, have you forgotten what it is like to have Jezz around?' Even writing this entry brings with it a feeling of contentment; being with Jezz allowed me to be the person I most wanted to be. I began to wonder what it was like for others mourning their loss. His appeal had nothing to do with the way he looked, or the clothes he wore. It was simply his presence and, of course, the smile.

Damian approached Tobin Bros, appealing to them to allow him to collect Jeremy's body from Bairnsdale. He received an emphatic 'NO!' Definitely not! They did agree to allow management to make the decision and, given Damian's work record, as well as the circumstances, it was decided that both Damian and Tyneal would make the journey. I think I actually said somewhere that Tyneal was already undergoing training at the Victorian Police Academy. That is not right as they made the journey together. Thankfully, only a couple of years before, Damian had earned the nomination of 'Employee of the Year' and had won the award. He was held in high regard. Knowing that the accident that took his brother's life had been horrific, he was concerned about what it would be like for him to view his 'bro.' It was a big ask! He need not have worried. Haydn and I drove Damian's car, while he and Tyneal collected the work van. We set off on a journey to Bairnsdale; a journey that no family member should have to make.

Somehow the pain of writing this is overcome by the joy of knowing that Jezz was in good hands. Damian took with him Jeremy's Snoop Dogg CD's. I can imagine Jeremy's amusement as it would not be DJ's choice of music. What a ride the return journey to Melbourne would be. Damian had chosen a close personal friend at Tobin Bros to prepare the body for viewing; he wanted that for his brother.

Before we arrived in Bairnsdale I made a call to Brad Bennett, devoted Father to my granddaughter Ella. Although Megan and Brad are no longer together I asked Brad if he would consider singing at the service. I had always let Brad know that I would like him to sing at my own funeral. I would not have believed it possible; here I was asking  the same for my son. Brad's choice was 'Time of Your Life' by Green Day. Perfect!

Somehow, it was essential to ensure the message going to the young people at the service was about LOVE and HOPE.
Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received - only what you have given; a full heart enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice and courage... St Francis of Assisi
Although I am a devoted Catholic I chose the Riviera Christian Centre as the venue. I wanted, as much as possible to keep this 'A Family Affair' therefore Tyneal's Dad, Mark, A Civil Celebrant, would perform the service. As a member of the Charismatic Renewal, I knew  it would be possible for me to arrange with Father Tony Brady to lay Jeremy's body to rest in the Catholic tradition. God willing, that would be done on our arrival back in Newcastle. It would not be the first time we had chosen to 'think outside the square' for Jezz.

Megan's choice for the music for the Audio Visual display was 'Forever Young' by Youth Group while Claire agreed to sing 'You Are the Sunshine of my Life,' secure in the knowledge that Jeremy was all of that, and more to me.

My amazing family ensured that we did indeed celebrate Jeremy's life. On 28 November 2006 we managed to do just that, knowing that we had a lifetime to mourn our loss. As I complete this post I want nothing more than to express my love and gratitude to Damian/Tyneal and Megan for undertaking the arrangements. Although four years have now passed I know the value in voicing love and appreciation as we never know what each new day brings. 'We know not the time or the place.' With breaking hearts they made the arrangements that allowed me the freedom to listen to the messages that came into my head as Jeremy entered the final stage of his journey into Eternal Life. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been.

Was it another coincidence that we were able to use family and friends for many parts of the service? In spite of the pain of our loss we knew Jezz better than anybody else thus allowing us, in many ways, to stamp 'his' name on the service.

I remember a woman walking up to me with, what turned out to be her daughter. She explained that she did not know my son but she wanted to thank him, through me, for giving her daughter back her life. It seems to me that there is something special about the young who are destined for a better place. They leave this earth having made a difference.

Have you ever had a son who meant the world to you?

One you loved so very much, and miss him like I do.

Have you ever felt the heartache, or even nursed the pain?

Have you ever shed the tears that drop like falling rain?

If you've never had those feelings, then pray you never do

For on the day that Jezza left me, a part of me went too

Love you Sunshine. Miss you with every heartbeat..

                         

A Family 'Affair'

A continuation of  'Was it a Coincidence?'

On the night of 21 November 2006 at approximately 10.25pm I replaced the telephone handset. Death hung heavily in the air of the room in which I sat. My life had been forever changed; I had absolutely no idea of just how much. How could I say goodbye to 'the love of my life?' Jezz was my reason for living after the death of his Dad; he had been my focus. At the time of my cancer diagnosis in March 2003 I knew I would survive. Quite simply, I had no intention of leaving my youngest son an orphan. Was it a coincidence that he was almost 12 when he said goodbye to his Dad and 12 years later I was saying goodbye to him? I sat. I talked. I wanted nothing more than to talk about 'my child.'

Haydn held me and let me talk. Claire sat with us for awhile. She sensed there was nothing to be said or done, so she retreated to her room. I suspect she got very little sleep that night knowing exactly how much of my identity was tied up with that of my child. Claire and Jeremy had a relationship built on trust. She stood up to her Father when she felt the need to 'protect' Jeremy from Haydn. It was interesting to watch! Just as Haydn THOUGHT Claire could do no wrong, I KNEW Jeremy was always right! That's my truth and I'm sticking to it!

Haydn donned work clothes knowing full well that as Managing Director there was preparation to be done for our absence. It was 3am when he left the house. The sun rose soon after although it brought with it no joy. Time to book seats on a flight to Melbourne. Most of my personal things were at the farm. It would mean a trip to the farm before heading to Williamtown to catch the flight. I sat in silence for some time. The call to the airline left me feeling completely 'ripped off.' Good old Qantas, the Spirit of Australia! I was charged an arm and a leg for a booking based on compassionate grounds. Maybe money was not the real issue! The fact of the matter was the reason for making the trip.

Damian had asked me to find about 30 pictures of Jeremy for a video display. It was a mad rush to get to the farm, followed by the airport in time for the flight. I remember so vividly our arrival. We let the travelator take us up to where Damian and Jascha waited. I fell into Damian's arms asking 'How did this happen?' He simply said 'Mum, he's just a naughty boy!'

That nigh I had my first real experience of words coming into my head. Words that had meaning but did not appear to be of my doing. I definitely was in shock, not myself. As Haydn and I entered the kitchen the following morning I asked if Damian or Tyneal could help. I had been given  the words 'You are so Beautiful.' Damian laughingly asked where I had been hiding during the 60's and 70's as I was giving him the words of a song sung by Joe Cocker. Bingo! I explained that Jeremy wanted that song to be played for me. A real turn around! I was unsure! Should I do it? Damian put Megan in charge of music and she had a copy of the CD. After listening to it she gave her approval and claimed it was perfect!

Is it possible to have the pain of the worst time of your life eased by the love and experience of family? My beautiful Number 1 son, together with his future bride Tyneal took over the arrangements for the funeral service. Jeremy was still at the morgue at the hospital in Bairnsdale. We were together in Melbourne; a distance of 350 kilometres.  Was it yet another coincidence that Damian was employed by Tobin Bros as a Funeral Director's Assistant and I was preparing to become a Funeral Celebrant?

This was our first day in Melbourne. Damian had asked Tobin Bros if they would be prepared to undertake the service. That would mean several trips between Bairnsdale and Melbourne and yet it seemed 'just right.'.

So! We had one song from Jeremy to me. I had the following verse in readiness for the days that I would become a Funeral Celebrant, and was prepared to read it myself.  I had never thought it would be at my own son's funeral and yet it was 'perfect:'

A Child Loaned

‘I’ll lend you for a little time a child of Mine,’ he said,

‘For you to love the while he lives, and mourn for when he’s dead.

He may be six or seven weeks, or 24 years, or three,

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me?

He’ll bring his charm to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,

You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,

And from the throngs who crowd life’s lanes I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labour’s vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call and take him back again?’

I fancied that I heard them say, ‘Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

For all the joys Thy child shall bring the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness; we’ll love him while we may

And for the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay.

But, should the angels call for him much sooner than we planned

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

We knew that there was much work to be done in readiness and yet, as a family we had the belief that with God's Grace, all things are possible.



Was it a Coincidence?

If you read my blog frequently you will know that it is an eclectic reflection of my life. What is it that others may observe as 'thriving' in the face of adversity? My so called 'interesting' life is 'normal' to me. I know nothing else! Who am I to draw comparisons? I endeavour to learn, and inspire, from each new challenge and experience. If there is any truth in the thought that we are here to learn lessons, then I am going to learn quickly.

Was it a coincidence that I watched an episode of Packed to the Rafters on Tuesday night?  I was left with are tears streaming down my cheeks. Mel's death in a motor vehicle accident was just to close to home; so many memories.  Just as I am affected by the passing of anyone as a result of breast cancer, so to the emotion raw and unchecked as I sat watching the programme and Mel's death in a trafic accident.

I am taken back in time to the morning of Tuesday 21 November, 2006. Was it a coincidence that I received a text message from Jeremy?  I read the message and surprised him by calling, rather than texting a response. As usual, he was overjoyed to hear from me and did not try to conceal his pleasure. We chatted about the previous weekend; he had apparently had a fabulous time. It pleased me to hear that life was good to him, and that he was getting on with it. He let me know that he had decided to take more interest in his personal appearance, making an appointment to have his hair cut and coloured on the Thursday night. My thoughts were that there must be some truth in a comment made by a radio broadcaster...  young men began to mature around the age of 24. He had turned 24 just 5 days previously. I remember thinking to myself  'He is safe now.' We laughed together and, when his boss Nudge arrived to take him to his job as a plasterer, we finished our conversation. My final words on that morning, 'Love you Sunshine.' Little did I know these would be the last words between us. On reflection, or was it a 'coincidence' that Claire chose to comment that few things stirred feelings of envy in her, but our relationship was definitely up there. I don't remember to many times that Jeremy and I were together, or chatting on the phone, that there wasn't joy and laughter. Others sensed the shared energy;  his mates loved 'hanging out' at our place.

Was it a coincidence that I went to bed  at 7.45pm on that night  but had difficulty sleeping? Normally, I would sit with Claire watching our favourite television programmes. I was unsettled, continually telling myself to 'go to sleep' with no effect. It seemed odd that I was still wide awake, therefore not surprised when the phone rang at approximately 10.10pm. It seemed to confirm my worst fears. There had to be a problem! It was my  beloved eldest son Damian who, on this occasion, was the bearer of heartbreaking news. Damian, and Tyneal, live in Melbourne; a three hour drive from Bairnsdale. It still amazes me that it was Damian who received a phone call advising him of the tragic accident that took the life of his younger brother Jeremy.

I learned that Damian (who is employed in the funeral industry) and Tyneal (a then student at the Victorian Police Academy) on receiving the news, had made the necessary phone calls to the Bairnsdale police. It was confirmed that Jeremy was deceased. In the meantime, Megan had also learned of the accident and she rang me as Jason drove her to the scene of the accident. My understanding is that she was hysterical, and vomiting, unable to function. When she arrived and found the rescue workers cutting her gorgeous, 6ft 6in brother from the wreckage, she was inconsolable knowing that her bro was in that car. It was too much for her and the police asked Jason  to take her to the morgue at the Bairnsdale hospital to wait. It was the very place at which I had given birth to Jeremy 24 years previously.

I believe Megan regrets that she did not have the opportunity to hold Jeremy in her arms one last time. She was allowed only to view him from behind glass at the hospital, although she was the one to formally identify the body. If only I had known; I would have begged her to come to Melbourne to view his body. I believe it would have helped enormously with the grieving process. Was it a coincidence that Jeremy died with a smile on his face? In spite of the horrific nature of the accident that took his life he was smiling. Was it Michael's jokes, or was it because Jesus laid His hand on him and gently whispered 'Come with me?'

Jeremy was not alone as he took his last breath. Was it a coincidence that Jeremy was comforted by a complete stranger named Michael, telling him jokes as he held him in his arms? Jeremy received the sacrament of the Holy Spirit in Confirmation the year his Father died. Was it a coincidence he chose to take Archangel Michael as his Patron Saint? He wanted a powerful guardian angel! As onlookers stood around watching on that night, Michael made the decision to be there for Jeremy. He stepped up to the task knowing only to well the heartache of losing a child. He had held his own baby in his arms as he lay dying. I asked Michael later why he thought jokes were what was needed at that time. Michael simply said he felt he had been led. I will be forever grateful to Michael; I believe he truly was like a 'Guardian Angel' to Jezz.

Although there are some things that are blurred about that time, I am going to try to put some of the pieces together in the next post. I now believe it is possible to receive messages from our deceased loved ones.

All God's angels come to us disguised.
-James Russell Lowell