Not Everyone's 'Cup of Tea'

This Post is not for the feint hearted!

We are all suffering with Cheryl's ailments of late. I am determined to 'fix' the problems once and for all. Althought it is good for blogging, I doubt I will run out of ideas and will find many worthwhile things to write about. Of course I am always open to suggestions, keep them rolling in..

When I visited the doctor on Wednesday morning I was not aware that I had redness and swelling above the knee at the back of the leg. Yes! It is the same left leg.

I decided against going to Wingham with 'The King' who was scheduled to visit the accountant. I thought a restful day was in order with a light exercise thrown in. I happily allowed 'The King' to take the car rather than the Hilux utility.

In his absence I sorted through the books on the study floor and came out with my copy of 'YOUR OWN PERFECT MEDICINE' by Martha M Christy. If you are not familiar with urine therapy now is the time to stop reading. I felt that I had nothing to lose by using my own urine to massage the leg. I have been using Voltarin Gel and Hirudoid ointment which does not appear to be doing much at all. I also take Horsechestnut night and morning.

I have not lost sight that Juliet George stated at the Lymphoedema Support Group meeting Tuesday that more people die from thrombosis than cancer.

My concerns increased today; I was due to call Paul regarding the continuing use of the Castor Oil Compress. During the conversation I mention the second thrombosis. Paul voiced his concerns and stated that 'it is not good'

He said it indicated problems with the clotting factor. Paul, being a bio-chemist, always looks at the underlying body chemistry. We will, in time, be looking to find the cause. In the meantime I am to treat the symptoms.

Tonight I am to eat late. After dinner I am to take 10 grams of Vitamin C (calcium ascorbate) powder and go to bed in an effort to hold the Vitamin C for the longest possible time.

I gave thanks to Jezz, my personal angel, as I took the Vitamin C powder from drawer. It was one of the many health supplements I had sent to him while he was living in Victoria. It had never been opened. In January 2007 I had the unenviable task of sorting through his personal things. The lease was due to expire on the house. Whatever made me bring it home with me?

So..tonight my gratitude goes to Paul, for the suggestion, and Jezz for providing the Vitamin C powder that will, hopefully, bring me through this latest crisis.

Why the caption? I believe that the problem has come about through the number of hours spent sitting on the hard dining room chairs. Given that the nerve pain in the arm is debilitating and the second thrombosis has the potential to be life threatening I will certainly make other arrangement for using the laptop. I will not be giving up Blogging, Facebook and e-mails to my special friends. I know how much your friendship has changed my life.

A huge 'Thank You' .....

More Medical Matters..

This has been an amazing week and I am so glad of the opportunity to share with you some of the highlights.

Wednesday morning I arrived at my regular medical practice to see a doctor that I had not seen previously. You may be aware that my doctor has been absent for some time.

Dr Mark Henderson welcomed me warmly. It was his second day at the practice. I briefly described my current situation explaining that I did not necessarily like taking prescription drugs, particularly morphine, which is absolutely essential at this time. Remembering that I have also been seeing Dr F in Sydney, I do not have complete medical records at the Adamstown practice. Dr Henderson did not seem to think it was an unusual request. I felt immediately that our doctor/patient relationship would be based on trust.

I gave him the run down on the testing, knowing that the outcome confirmed that there was no evidence of skeletal metastases, but it still does not give us an explanation for the pain which requires desperate measure to control.

Dr Henderson asked if I had experienced any sweats. I explained that I thought the ones I had were related to the heat but wondered why he asked. He thought it could have been a low grade infection. He then did the extraordinary and asked what I thought about iridology. Wow! I was impressed! Explained that I was a patient of Nancy Evelyn and it turned out that he is also. Done! Happy to make an appointment with Nancy to check out the possibility of infection using iridology as the diagnostic tool.

Before leaving I asked about seeing him at a later date knowing how hard it is to get an appointment these days. He advised me to tell the girls at reception that I was to have an appointment any time I phoned irrespective of how busy he was.

The real surprise came when I went to pay the bill only to be told that the good doctor said I was to be bulk billed. For those not familiar with the terms Medicare is Australia’s universal health care system. Medicare ensures that all Australians have access to free or low-cost medical, optometrical and hospital care while being free to choose private health services and in special circumstances allied health services.

Seems I have found myself a new doctor! Praise the Lord

Love is the Answer

I am frustrated that I have been unable to purchase good second hand book shelves since moving to the farm. It probably has something to do with the fact that book lovers like to keep their books and, of course, their bookshelves.

Yesterday while looking through the pile of books sitting on the floor I was drawn to my copy of 'The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav.' I have not read the book yet I found it interesting that I opened it to a chapter on Psychology. It states that Psychology means soul knowledge or the study of the spirit.

Given that I am still taking Oxycontin twice per day for the intense pain that has been my constant companion for months I read on through the few pages. I remembered recently that David, my local hypnotherapist had mentioned that we are emotional, physical and spiritual beings and for complete healing it might be wise to address the pain on these levels.

I understand from the book that the experience of pain, coupled with an understanding that pain, serves a worthy purpose. As I read that suffering in meaningful I questioned the purpose.

I wondered if there could be any truth in the statement that suffering can be endured because it is necessary for the evolution of our soul?

I believe that we are spirits having a human experience. I do not see death as 'the end.' Surely there must be some other way to learn the lessons. I do not believe it has to be this painful!

The lessons came hard and fast as I read that if you are unkind to yourself you will, in turn, be unkind to others. By neglecting myself could I possibly be treating others in the same manner?

Was I truly able to feel compassion for myself and compassion for others?

I quote the following in the knowledge that, for me, it is of utmost importance.

'If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love others and you cannot stand to see others loved. If you cannot treat your own self kindly you will resent that treatment when you see it in anyone else. If you cannot love yourself loving others becomes a very painful endeavour with only occasional moments of comfort. In other words, loving others, or how you treat yourself, is your own dose of your own medicine that you really give to others at the same time.'

There was a time recently that I became aware that I had put myself in my current situation. As I was walking down the drive at the farm, literally screaming in pain, I said to myself 'You have done this to yourself.' It was a light globe moment for me.

I was so sure that I had always shown unconditional love for Jeremy. His passing leaft me in a state of utter disbelief and grief. Although he remained with me in essence, I no longer had the joy of physical contact.

I began to think about the love that I had felt and expressed so readily and easily. There was never a conversation that did not end 'Love you Sunshine.' He shared with me that he always felt that I loved him unconditionally.

Of course, I began to look at the way I had abused my body over the two years since his passing. Drinking far too much coffee and not eating correctly has taken its toll. Given that I have lived with cancer since 1996 I knew, with absolute certainty, that in order to love others in the way I proclaimed to, then I had first to apply the principal to myself.

It is with a clear vision that I choose healthy food knowing that food is to be my medicine.

Worth a Try...

For those that have been following my blogs I would like to continue with both for the time being. I feel that this Indigo Dreaming will be related to Health and Spirituality. The two things that are very important to me, and I feel are interrelated.

Many of the decisions that I make these days come after much 'soul' searching. I feel that it has enabled me to make good choices. I listen carefully to medical advice, no longer allowing myself to be afraid.

I was diagnosed with a melanoma. It was removed in 1996 just prior to my marriage to Haydn. I will always be grateful to Hamish Foster, who removed the tumour in its entirety, rather than doing a biopsy. At that time he said that he does not like to biopsy anything that could be a melanoma. Safer to remove it completely!

Today I realised that I still have two breast lumps that are painful, and causing me problems. Both the CT and Bone Scan Reports state that there is no evidence of metastases. That 'sort of' gives me the all clear. This being the case why am I still taking 1 x 20mg Oxycontin Slow Release tablet twice each day?

This brings me to the decision to try The Castor Oil Pack.


A quick Google search will give lots of information. Briefly it is as follows:

Take two cotton cloths (each about half the size of a tea towel) and a piece of plastic (a plastic shopping bag will do nicely.) Wet one cotton cloth and squeeze dry placing flat on the plastic. Place the dry cotton cloth over this and liberally spread with castor oil.

Fill a hot water bottle with hot water and place the pack (castor oil side down) over the area. Wrap a towel around to hold in place and put the hot water bottle over it. The heat will open the pores and allow the oil to be absorbed. Keep the pack on for about 1 hour and repeat each day for three days. I intend to roll the pack up and re-use the next day adding more castor oil as necessary.

On the fourth day massage the area with olive oil and do this for the next two days. On the seventh day, do nothing.

This entire procedure will be repeated for a period of seven weeks.

I believe I have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Although it was my intention to begin tonight, I have decided that it is probably best to do it during the day. I really think that it has the potential to be quite messy.

There are a couple of other things that appear to be making a difference; I look forward to sharing with you.

'Good' Advice

For some time I had been concerned about the fungus in my nails. I had stopped having my regular pedicures and was painting on a 3% Hydrogen Peroxide solution night and morning.

At the back of my mind there was an awareness that the tumour removed at the time of my mastectomy was fungating. Not sure that there is any relationship, but I was not prepared to take unnecessary risks at this time.

Tuesday I ask Dr F in Sydney for an opinion. He presented me with a hypodermic syringe and asked if I had any Tea Tea Oil. Does not every Australian home have a bottle handy?

I have now filled the syringe with pure Tea Tree Oil and, placing the needle carefully from the side under the nail, I ensure that the Tea Tree Oil saturates the nail bed.

I am optimistic! It will take some months for the results to become obvious.

I Believe in Angels

Each day I give thanks for the special people that cross my path bringing with them their very personal gifts.

A special Thank You to Liz Hayes, Mum to Angel Raymond for this verse written especially for me.

Sunshine and rainbows, laughter and rain
Buttercups, butterflies, ladybirds and pain
These are my memories, dedicated and true
I clasp them so close, they remind me of you.

In my heart lives a world where you'll always belong
My baby, my son, so handsome, so strong.
I don't want the future, I yearn for the past
My memories are with me and I know they will last.

When you left me the pain I just couldn't endure
It takes so long to heal because a Mother's Love is so pure
When you thought I was wrong and I just wanted to nag,
When you where so far in front and I was starting to lag.

But out of the blue you sent angels to me,
Called me friend, my eyes opened and started to see.
I wasn't alone, they offered their hearts,
I melted a bit and knew 'its a start'.

In my grief and my misery, others were there
With they're memories, stories and support 'worth the share'.
No more isolation, no longer alone,
I can e-mail, light candles or maybe even phone.

From me to you Cheryl
The outstretched arm of friendship reaches far across the miles,
It's there to make you happy and I hope it makes you smile xxxx

The above two lines are the end of the poem, but they are from me to you xx

Happy New Year

May hope sustain you, friends surround you and love give you strength in 2009.

The Message

This treasured graphic, a gift from my beautiful Angel Family Friend Susan Stoner, Mum to Angel Kurtis Cleaver who shares the same birthdate as Jeremy.

Shortly after Jeremy's accident in November 2006 he gave me this message;
'Mum, we could not both live; I had to die so that you could live.'
I had no idea what it meant! Was I to assume that I was going to live through my breast cancer? That Jeremy had to die to allow me to do that?

During the very painful grieving process I developed new ways of learning to live with my grief.
I joined a local Bereaved Parents Support Group. At my very first HOPE meeting I was blessed to meet Sharee Carson Wright who told me about the online Memory-of site that she had set up for her beautiful daughter Dixie. I arrived home at 10pm on that night and went online and signed up. I knew nothing about how to put all that information together. I simply had a burning desire to keep the precious memory of my son alive. Is that not the desire of every bereaved parent?
My pictures had all been taken with a 35ml camera. I learned to scan them and save them to the computer, allowing me to display them on the Memory-of site.
While working on Jeremy's site I decided to check out other sites to see how it was done. I found the most amazing graphics. I asked the question 'How do I do this?' I received an e-mail that led me to Angel Families Online. It was there that I found strength, support and lasting friendships.
Over the past 18 months I have given and received many beautiful graphics and verses. There is a constant lighting of candles to keep those Eternal Flames burning brightly.

At the time of Jeremy's accident I was in the process of preparing for a new role as a Funeral Celebrant. I had lovingly prepared a portfolio of verse. 'A Child Loaned' is the one I chose to read at Jeremy's Celebration of Life Service. I have been blessed to become very close and personal friends with Diane Rodgers, Mum to Angel Matthew for this graphic befitting the occasion.

After many months of therapy setting up the Memory-of site I realised that I had always lived my life through Jeremy. Everything I did, I did for him. I had raised him as a single parent following the passing of his beloved Dad. He was telling me that it was time to learn to live for myself. Somehow I had to find the will to fight for myself and my own life.

I could not help but think back to the time of my original diagnosis. In 2003, I came home from the doctor with the news that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer. As a 20 year old Jeremy informed me that he would have to leave home. He lovingly reminded me that I did everything for him. He knew that if I learned to do it for myself I would be well. He wanted me to be well! He wanted life for me!

Did that surprise me? Actually. No! Jezz was always a very spiritual being and there are many stories reminding me of this fact. He was, and is, protected by his Guardian Angels.

Yesterday as I was preparing to visit my doctor in Sydney. I heard him say 'Mum, I cannot do this for you. You have to do it yourself!'

What was my reaction when Doctor Fluhrer advised me that my breast cancer is active and the treatment that we have been using to keep it at bay has not worked? I felt at peace with myself in the knowledge that I am surrounded by the loving light of my Guardian Angels.

I reflected on the time just over twelve months ago that I awoke from a dream with the knowledge that there was a doctor in Manly that could help me. The only information that I was given was that his name started with the letter 'F'. I knew it was a message from Jeremy and that it was up to me to find the doctor. It took no time before I was making an appointment to see Dr Fluhrer.

After twelve months of being guided by him I appreciate the fact that he did not try to tell me what to do at a time that I was not ready. He simply walked beside me on this journey. He provided the help to allow me to continue down the path of alternative and complimentary therapies.

So what now that he is recommending chemotherapy? I will spend time in contemplative prayer and meditation awaiting insight knowing that everything is just as it is meant to be and all things are possible.

As we go into 2009 I thank you for sharing the journey

Memories

I am aware as I write that I like each entry to stand alone. For those that have follwed me from my BigBlog Lessons4Living I do apologise.

When I married Haydn in 1996, I believed it was for 'Better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health'. I packed up everything in our family home and put it into cartons to be stored. Unfortunately I realised very quickly that the situation was intolerable for me. More importantly, Haydn was giving Jezz a hard time. Everything Jezz did caused a reaction in Haydn. I knew that I would protect my child at all costs. I think it was about 1998 that I knew, with absolutely certainty, that it was time to leave.

We had moved from our family home into Haydn's and the tenants that were renting our Warners Bay home decided that they would like to purchase. Unfortunately, they were unable to get finance. On the Saturday morning that we were making the move back to the house the Real Estate agent brought a prospective purchaser. Eric loved the home and made an immediate offer, leaving Jezz and me with nowhere to call home. I never did get to unpack those cartons. I made the decision to go ahead with the sale as I had no income and needed money for us to live.

Being the type of person that gives everything my heart and soul I had given up my studies in welfare, and my Kumon Study Centre, at the time of my marriage. This allowed me more time to give to Haydn and daughter Claire who had been traumatised by the tragic passing of Leigh.

For the past 12 years my personal things have been packed away. The things selected and purchased so lovingly in Singapore have not been seen for years. I now realise that they are only material things and have very little place in my life as I follow a new path of healing and wellness.

This entry is one of the sadness yesterday of unpacking one of those cartons to find the singlet and jocks that Jezz had worn on one of his many visits to the Bairnsdale Hospital. On this occasion he had stopped breating. It was a hot, humid summer day and he was always badly effected by the hot northerly winds. He was wearing this singlet with a badge reading 'Major Cheers - Cheers Squad' when he was rushed by ambulance to the hospital
It has been in my 'Personal Posessions' for 26 years. Do I keep it or let it go?

I am very mindful of the fact that when I am no longer here, these very things will mean nothing to other family members. I think it best that the memories go on these pages knowing that it is a record for a lifetime.



These handful of trophies represent the best of Jeremy's activities during his latter school years; Soccer, Indoor Soccer, Cricket, Air League, and Kumon. Although he loved Karate, I appear to have nothing representing the many hours he spent kicking his way to happiness and good health. I was always amazed that for someone of his size he showed incredible balance as he squatted down, hands on floor and lifted his feet leaving him balancing on his hands. If only I had the digital camera in those days! As I unpacked the box containing these items I knew it was time to let go; they would go in the bin.
The memories will remain in my heart and on these pages.

Boxing Day

No! I did not hit the shops today for the Boxing Day sales. I was not really in that space. Instead I choose to sit quietly and reflect on a course of action given my current circumstances.

I was fascinated to find that dozens of little wrens made their way into our garden for the very first time. The striking blue is the male. Wrens appear in folklore all aroung the world. I stood by the kitchen window for some time, watching as they darted in and out amongst the shrubs. Knowing that Boxing Day is also know as St Stephen's Day, or Day of the Wren in Ireland, there simply had to be a message for me.

The book Animal Dreaming, the symbolic and spiritual language of the australian animals by Scott Alexander King gave me the following:

'The Wren heralds the coming of new challenges. It charges us with an unwavering faith in our ability to achieve any goal. Carrying the torch of the East: the beacon of illumination, intuition and the intellect Wren embodies the ability 'to know'. It offers clarity potent enough to shun confusiona and despair forever by acting as the metaphoric light at the end of the tunnel. It maintains mental lucidity and the knowing as to when we should close old doors so that new ones may open'.

This has certainly given me something to think about...