Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Memories

I am aware as I write that I like each entry to stand alone. For those that have follwed me from my BigBlog Lessons4Living I do apologise.

When I married Haydn in 1996, I believed it was for 'Better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health'. I packed up everything in our family home and put it into cartons to be stored. Unfortunately I realised very quickly that the situation was intolerable for me. More importantly, Haydn was giving Jezz a hard time. Everything Jezz did caused a reaction in Haydn. I knew that I would protect my child at all costs. I think it was about 1998 that I knew, with absolutely certainty, that it was time to leave.

We had moved from our family home into Haydn's and the tenants that were renting our Warners Bay home decided that they would like to purchase. Unfortunately, they were unable to get finance. On the Saturday morning that we were making the move back to the house the Real Estate agent brought a prospective purchaser. Eric loved the home and made an immediate offer, leaving Jezz and me with nowhere to call home. I never did get to unpack those cartons. I made the decision to go ahead with the sale as I had no income and needed money for us to live.

Being the type of person that gives everything my heart and soul I had given up my studies in welfare, and my Kumon Study Centre, at the time of my marriage. This allowed me more time to give to Haydn and daughter Claire who had been traumatised by the tragic passing of Leigh.

For the past 12 years my personal things have been packed away. The things selected and purchased so lovingly in Singapore have not been seen for years. I now realise that they are only material things and have very little place in my life as I follow a new path of healing and wellness.

This entry is one of the sadness yesterday of unpacking one of those cartons to find the singlet and jocks that Jezz had worn on one of his many visits to the Bairnsdale Hospital. On this occasion he had stopped breating. It was a hot, humid summer day and he was always badly effected by the hot northerly winds. He was wearing this singlet with a badge reading 'Major Cheers - Cheers Squad' when he was rushed by ambulance to the hospital
It has been in my 'Personal Posessions' for 26 years. Do I keep it or let it go?

I am very mindful of the fact that when I am no longer here, these very things will mean nothing to other family members. I think it best that the memories go on these pages knowing that it is a record for a lifetime.



These handful of trophies represent the best of Jeremy's activities during his latter school years; Soccer, Indoor Soccer, Cricket, Air League, and Kumon. Although he loved Karate, I appear to have nothing representing the many hours he spent kicking his way to happiness and good health. I was always amazed that for someone of his size he showed incredible balance as he squatted down, hands on floor and lifted his feet leaving him balancing on his hands. If only I had the digital camera in those days! As I unpacked the box containing these items I knew it was time to let go; they would go in the bin.
The memories will remain in my heart and on these pages.

15 comments:

NAVAL LANGA said...

I have read some of your posts. I would like to revisit your blog and would like to read more from you.

If you like short stories and paintings, then a short visit to my blogs would be an interesting one for you.

Naval Langa

http://indianshortstories.wordpress.com/

http://paintingsgalleries.blogspot.com/

http://fashionterritory.wordpress.com/

Chez said...

NAVAL LANGA thank you. I will certainly take the time to visit.

Maybe we have some things in common..

Diane Rodgers said...

HI CHERYL,

YOUR BLOG TODAY....AS ALWAYS IS SO VERY FULL OF EMOTION OF THE TIMES IN YOUR LIFE. I FEEL AS IF I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A BOOK READING HERE EACH DAY. ONE OF WHICH I CANNOT PUT DOWN.

WHEN SEEING THE TROPHIES YOUR DEAREST JEREMY EARNED ... THE MEMORIES....HIS RECORD OF HIS LIFE IN SOME KIND OF WAY... I TOO HAVE MY MATT'S TROPHIES, STILL ON THE SHELF IN HIS ROOM. YOU SEE HE WAS STILL HOME WHEN HE PASSED. HIS ROOM IS AS IT WAS..STILL. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BEGIN TO CHANGE HIS THINGS. I HAVE GIVENHBIS CLOTHES AWAY, CHANGED THE BED TO A FUTON...BUT ALL OF HIS THINGS ON HIS SHELVES AND ALL ARE STILL THERE.

YOU MY DEAR FRIEND, AMAZE ME IN YOUR STRENGTH, IN YOUR COURAGE, AND IN YOUR CREATIVE ENERGIES...DOING THIS BLOG EACH DAY ....SUCH LOVE AND DEVOTION TO A LIFE WELL LIVED AS YOU SAY! JEREMY WAS TRULY BLESSED TO HAVE YOU AND STILL IS! NOW WE HERE ARE BLESSED TO HAVE YOU THROUGH HIM.

PRAYING EACH DAY FOR YOU TO HEAL AND BE WELL.

WITH MUCH CARE AND LOVE,
DIANE

yevisha said...

thank you for sharing

mandy said...

Dear Chez, I sit here with tears in my eyes....This to me would be one of the hardest things inlife to do....
I do understand where you are coming from with Haydn and Jezz, Matt and myself had this very problem ourselves but with persistence we were able to meet half way....

Surely though there would be someone is the family who would cherish some of Jezz`s belongings????....
You are one incredible woman Chez, the strength you show for what life has dealt you but you keep bouncing back...

You give me the strength to keep focusing on what`s important in life and for that I thank you....

diane said...

Thank you for sharing your memories, I too think you are brave to visit these cartons and then decide it is time to let go. I think you are healing and it would be nice to think that it is these posts that are helping you.
Hopefully the new year will be kind to you.

Diane Rodgers said...

Hi Cheryl,

I had to come to this blog as when I went to post on the other it wouldn't allow me.

I am totally heartbroken to read of the news from your doctor...I am working today so I have only a little time to write now.

When are the tests scheduled for you? I am praying not as bad as doctor thinks. Maybe another treatment besides kemo...

Yesterday my sister- in- laws Mom went to a cancer center. She was told by 2 doctors she had cancer in her kidney. It turned out benign. Was our "Monday Miracle"...

Now we need another miracle and I am holding onto that for now...In the meantime please take the pain meds and be as comfortable as you can be. Listen to your new cd from your friend...talk to Jezz... Listen to me... I sound like your Mum!

Keep in touch when you feel you are able and know I am thinking of you, and praying that this path you are on right now is as you say..."exactly how it is meant to be"...

Love to you today, tomorrow and always,

Diane
xox

Chez said...

Diane Rodgers

Good morning sweet friend
Where would we be without our treasured memories? My heart bleeds for you in the knowledge that Matt's things sit exactly as they were. I think of my friend Sonya who finds comfort in spending time in Carla's bedroom amongst her personal and private possessions. I really do not think there is ever a 'right' time to think about what to do with them. Why not leave them as they are?

My story is different due to my cancer and the fact that the children live in another state. Being in a second marriage means that I like my life to be in order. Should it be my time I wish to have everything packed in boxes and marked with the children's names. I have already given money and personal possessions to them in the belief that I would like them to have the benefit in my lifetime. Somehow, apart from a few personal belongs material things mean nothing to me these days as I know that I came with nothing and I will leave with nothing. It is what I leave behind that is importnat. Hence my desire to write, write, write..
Love you. Chez xo

Chez said...

Yevisha how is that new henna colour going?

I write here because this is my record of a life well lived; something for my children.

Chez said...

Morning my sweet friend Mandy

Mandy, I would never have known how important these things would become to me.

I truly feel that it is very easy to be biased when we are parents. Unfortunately Haydn was in a state of grief after the sudden and untimely passing of his wife. It took him at least eight years to recover sufficiently to lead any sort of a normal life. Even now he is still in love with her. She was and is his first and only love. Sad really!!!! I think I will do a Post on the subject actually.

Interesting that you know first hand of the problems. I suspect that it is a common problem. I congratulate you on your ability to work with Matt to find common ground.

Megan does have so many things belonging to Jezz. She collected them all from his place of residence in Bairnsdale.

My friend thank you for travelling this journey with me.

Chez said...

Morning Diane

Have just done a Post on the Pond regarding my news from the doctor yesterday. These pages, with all the memories,twists and turns are my record for my children.

Knowing that I get feedback makes it so different to writing a journal which has been my habit for the past 20 years. I now have carpel tunnel which makes hand writing a little difficult. What better than this?

I thank you for personally following along with me. By the way, Carla was the only one of my children to take the time to see what the outcome of the doctor's visit was yesterday. Interesting!

Chez said...

Diane Rodgers

Morning gorgeous friend and confidante. Well! What can we say? We know the pain of the greiving process and how easy it is to neglect ourselves. I try not to be too hard on myself at this time. If I could have done 'better' I would have. I was where I needed to be and now I am left with a mess to clean up. I can hear Jezz telling me that I made 'dumb' decisions. He should talk!!!!!

How often does he tell me to get out of the colour black as I was not grieving. I guess somehow it always felt that was my outward sign of how I felt on the inside.

It is always the same with me. I look well. Even yesterday the doctor commented on how well I looked. Am I such a chameleon?

It certainly was your sister-in-law's Mums lucky day. A blessing from God!

Diane the one thing I do pray for is a release from this debilitating pain which is consuming my body and my mind at this time. The rest I can deal with, knowing that I have the love and support of many (including the spirit world)

I have always said I would never have chemo. A lesson! Never say never....

Love you my friend...

Chez said...

Diane I have just done a Post on BigBlog telling Carla's story if you are interested.

I do think on my Blogger I will have to go back to that time....

I am looking to keep this as a record for my children.

Thanks for sharing the journey..

Chez said...

Diane, please ignore previous comment. It keeps coming up when I sign in. I decided the way to remove it permanently is to post it. I hope it works as I did this once before and then put it into bin only to find it reappear..

Starry said...

Oh Chez, it has been a long time since I have come here, so I have read back all the missed posts.
In regards to what to keep, I was priviliged to witness counselling of a family that had lost a son. They had a complete shrine to him. But they needed to move on, and not just let his room stay as it was forever. They were traumatised by the idea of letting go of any of his things. But they kept unhappy reminders - they had the clothes he was cut out of in the ER, they had the pjs he wore during chemo, they kept things that reminded them of the misery and pain the last months of his life comprised. They were lovingly guided to keep happy tributes to him, his favourite toy, the things that represented his personality, etc. I will never forget how big a difference it made in their life to keep real treasures and learn to see that if their son had lived the things they were clinging to would have been discarded easily.
Anyway, I thought that might ring a bell or a light bulb with you.
xxx Starry