The Message

This treasured graphic, a gift from my beautiful Angel Family Friend Susan Stoner, Mum to Angel Kurtis Cleaver who shares the same birthdate as Jeremy.

Shortly after Jeremy's accident in November 2006 he gave me this message;
'Mum, we could not both live; I had to die so that you could live.'
I had no idea what it meant! Was I to assume that I was going to live through my breast cancer? That Jeremy had to die to allow me to do that?

During the very painful grieving process I developed new ways of learning to live with my grief.
I joined a local Bereaved Parents Support Group. At my very first HOPE meeting I was blessed to meet Sharee Carson Wright who told me about the online Memory-of site that she had set up for her beautiful daughter Dixie. I arrived home at 10pm on that night and went online and signed up. I knew nothing about how to put all that information together. I simply had a burning desire to keep the precious memory of my son alive. Is that not the desire of every bereaved parent?
My pictures had all been taken with a 35ml camera. I learned to scan them and save them to the computer, allowing me to display them on the Memory-of site.
While working on Jeremy's site I decided to check out other sites to see how it was done. I found the most amazing graphics. I asked the question 'How do I do this?' I received an e-mail that led me to Angel Families Online. It was there that I found strength, support and lasting friendships.
Over the past 18 months I have given and received many beautiful graphics and verses. There is a constant lighting of candles to keep those Eternal Flames burning brightly.

At the time of Jeremy's accident I was in the process of preparing for a new role as a Funeral Celebrant. I had lovingly prepared a portfolio of verse. 'A Child Loaned' is the one I chose to read at Jeremy's Celebration of Life Service. I have been blessed to become very close and personal friends with Diane Rodgers, Mum to Angel Matthew for this graphic befitting the occasion.

After many months of therapy setting up the Memory-of site I realised that I had always lived my life through Jeremy. Everything I did, I did for him. I had raised him as a single parent following the passing of his beloved Dad. He was telling me that it was time to learn to live for myself. Somehow I had to find the will to fight for myself and my own life.

I could not help but think back to the time of my original diagnosis. In 2003, I came home from the doctor with the news that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer. As a 20 year old Jeremy informed me that he would have to leave home. He lovingly reminded me that I did everything for him. He knew that if I learned to do it for myself I would be well. He wanted me to be well! He wanted life for me!

Did that surprise me? Actually. No! Jezz was always a very spiritual being and there are many stories reminding me of this fact. He was, and is, protected by his Guardian Angels.

Yesterday as I was preparing to visit my doctor in Sydney. I heard him say 'Mum, I cannot do this for you. You have to do it yourself!'

What was my reaction when Doctor Fluhrer advised me that my breast cancer is active and the treatment that we have been using to keep it at bay has not worked? I felt at peace with myself in the knowledge that I am surrounded by the loving light of my Guardian Angels.

I reflected on the time just over twelve months ago that I awoke from a dream with the knowledge that there was a doctor in Manly that could help me. The only information that I was given was that his name started with the letter 'F'. I knew it was a message from Jeremy and that it was up to me to find the doctor. It took no time before I was making an appointment to see Dr Fluhrer.

After twelve months of being guided by him I appreciate the fact that he did not try to tell me what to do at a time that I was not ready. He simply walked beside me on this journey. He provided the help to allow me to continue down the path of alternative and complimentary therapies.

So what now that he is recommending chemotherapy? I will spend time in contemplative prayer and meditation awaiting insight knowing that everything is just as it is meant to be and all things are possible.

As we go into 2009 I thank you for sharing the journey